Q&A: Are Love Spells Ethical?

March 20, 2012 | 40 Comments »

is it ethical to use a love spell?Is it ethical to use magic to attract a specific love interest?

Deliberate creators sometimes wonder about the morality of creating what they want when it involves another particular person.

Which is why this reader’s question felt important to address.  (We talked about this almost two years ago, but I thought it worth a revisit.)

Here’s her question:

I have heard about Love spells. I want to know is it right ethically and spiritually to cast a love spell for the person you love? I love someone but he does not feel the same for me.

Is it pure? Is it some kind of black magic?  Can it affect either of us in long run? I don’t want to harm anyone. Please let me know.

I’ll share my thoughts in the comments, but I’m particularly interested in hearing from fellow creators and those who also work with spells.

(I cast a love spell at the Coaches Summit in Phoenix last weekend (it was a spell for “knowledge and love of self,” actually), so this one feels relevant!)

Thanks in advance for your input, guys.  🙂

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40 Responses to “ Q&A: Are Love Spells Ethical? ”

  1. Mara Enid says:

    This is a good one, Jeannette. I happen to believe that we can’t know what’s best for someone else, so casting spells for a specific person to feel a certain way doesn’t quite sit right with me. How do we even know that that specific outcome is what’s best for us? Perhaps our ideal mate is someone else and we end up blocking that person from reaching us because we’re transfixed on creating a specific outcome? I believe spells can be powerful and helpful, but I think they should be used to create the best outcome for all involved, and I believe in leaving it up to the Universe to work out what that best outcome should be.

  2. That’s exactly what I was thinking, Mara. That to focus on one specific person is a little shortsighted and kind of “micro-managey” of us.

    And yet, I think we do this informally a LOT. Where we WILL a particular someone to interact with us in some way … like the police officer not to write a ticket, or the boss to give us a raise, or the bingo caller to draw our winning number, or our love interest to call, etc. etc.

    We might not be drawing the circle or speaking the incantation (or whatever’s involved in a love spell), but when we focus our energy on one person in such a way – it’s not much different than a spell, if you ask me.

    Anyway, Mara, loved your post and I appreciate your jumping in right away to start this conversation! Important insights you’ve shared here.

  3. Kim Falconer says:

    This is a great question because it reaches much deeper into the realm of need and the nature of love/desire. When we fall head over heels in love, something is waking up in us. It’s a magic time – wonderful and dazzling and erotic and also cutting edge painful if we can’t ‘be with’ the beloved.

    But . . .

    It’s not them we want.

    It’s never them.

    What we really want is:

    1)the way being around them makes us feel
    2)what they represent in us.

    Every time I fall for someone, I know they are a symbol of something in myself that I am ready to connect with. What wants acknowledging is in me. If it’s unrequited ‘out there’ then I’m not seeing it in myself. I am ignoring and rejecting a piece of my own heart.

    This is where we direct the love spell. Inward. To our own heart! That is where love is given and received. Nowhere else.

    Is it ethical to cast a spell to open our own hearts? Hell yes. Go for that! It works like magic 🙂

    What happens when we cast it towards another person is a train wreck. We are pointing more energy away from what wants to awaken and thinking ‘if only they loved me, I’d be . . . (happy, fulfilled, complete)

    Show of hands anyone who has ever felt happy and complete when that happiness was dependent on another person’s behavior. Anyone?

    There is a reason we attract unrequited love. It’s a powerful message. To ignore it and try to change it to make things better is like insisting a messenger sit down and eat cake when we haven’t even heard the message yet.

    I don’t think ethics is the issue at all. Spell them or don’t spell them but miss the message and we miss the point. Also, spells like that are high maintenance. You have to keep shoring them up and that just means more energy going away from your heart. ‘Getting them’ is always a disappointment because we don’t want them, we want something in ourselves. They are the messenger!

    When I’m in the unrequited love zone I do three things:

    1) appreciate that I am feeling so moved! It’s pretty amazing!

    2) listen to the message to discover what they represent in me. Ask what’s waking up! What wants to live out in me?

    3) Take that love I’m feeling and give it to myself.

    As Jeannette says, the universe can only give to us as good as we give to ourselves. The true love spell that works every time? Self love. It trumps all others!

  4. Kim Falconer says:

    Just a thought: In my world, magic has no color. It’s neither black nor white. It’s energy, just as it is, not ‘good’ vs. ‘bad’. Think of it like sunshine, warming, nurturing, tanning, burning, don’t stare straight at it etc . . .

  5. Well that takes us right to the heart of it! Thank you, Kim.

    Casting a spell on our own hearts – I LOVE IT!! (goosebump alert)

    Also, the idea of unrequited love being an important message – that’s a new one for me (more goosebumps).

    I’m quoting this on facebook, I liked it so much: “The true love spell that works every time? Self love. It trumps all others!”

    Thank you again, my friend! Your wisdom never ceases to amaze me.

    (I also am so intrigued with the idea of high maintenance spells. There is so much I want to learn from you!)

  6. Now THAT’S using our power for good, isn’t it Stacey? “focus on the essence of what you want. Love.”

    Well said.

    Your post reminds me of how when I ask my boyfriend for flowers it’s not quite the same as when he just chooses for himself to surprise me with flowers.

    Kind of even like when I intended positive feedback from the presentations I gave last weekend … I sort of discounted it because it was EXACTLY what I intended to hear. As in, I made that up – they didn’t.

    Rather interesting …

    But then, since we’re making it ALL up, can you really ever get away from that?

  7. Stacey - Soul Intelligence says:

    This post made me think of the following passage in The Science of Getting Rich:

    “It is as flagrantly wrong to coerce people by mental power as it is to coerce them by physical power. If compelling people by physical force to do things for you reduces them to slavery, compelling them by mental means accomplishes exactly the same thing; the only difference is in methods. If taking things from people by physical force is robbery, them taking things by mental force is robbery also. There is no difference in principle.

    You have no right to use your will power upon another person, even “for his own good,” for you do not know what is for his good.”

    In book, The Power, Rhonda Byrne talks about how in relationships love is about freedom. We have no right to take someone’s freedom to choose to be with us or not. She gave an analogy of a man whose girlfriend left him. Instead of honoring her decision— he kept harassing and stalking her. The result: His freedom was taken away through a trip to jail.

    Casting spells to get someone to love you (against their free will) isn’t about freedom (or love). It’s about control. I agree with Kim, this type of attraction is high maintenance. Eventually the spell caster will get tired of trying to force someone to stay in love with them.

    Instead of casting spells, focus on the essence of what you want. Love. Feeling adored and treasured. Feel these things on your own and the Universe will bring more of these feelings to you through experiences and your ideal partner.

  8. Jackie says:

    We’ve all had our hearts broken, right? Of course we broke our own hearts but it didn’t feel that way at the time. I made it through the biggest heart break when I realized that I really didn’t want to be with someone who didn’t want to be with and didn’t love me. Why would any of us want that? Don’t we all want someone who loves us and wants to be with us? If we have to have a spell to make that happen, is it genuine? I wouldn’t think so.

    This thread made me think of this song: I Can’t Make You Love Me
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nW9Cu6GYqxo

  9. Jackie says:

    I promise I do not look anything like that little creature on my last comment and possibly this one.

  10. lol Jackie!

    I sure see the wisdom in that observation that we break our own hearts, and that it of course works both ways, and very much appreciate that reminder.

    Thanks for posting. 🙂

  11. You are a gifted coach, my friend.

    (And as if to add emphasis to that sentiment, Universe had that appear in all caps for some reason when I first typed it! lol)

    I agree with what you’ve posted, and am inspired to add this thought: maybe the way to answer the question is it okay to cast a spell on another is to ask if we’d be okay if someone else did that to us?

  12. Janette says:

    It’s interesting to me that there is a question at all. I’m not in a position to judge anyone else’s behaviour as “ethical” or otherwise …. but I wonder whether asking the question reveals that the questioner feels doubt about the ethics of the action they’re considering.

    Anyway, as Kim says it’s not about the ethics. It’s about whether the action will bring the desired happiness.

    Could I be happy with my lover when I know that he/she has been compelled into the relationship? No way.

    Could I be happy with myself, knowing that I’ve allowed their absence or presence in my life to determine my state of joy? No.

    It may not feel like it right now, but this unrequited love is a huge gift. Instead of using your power to try and compel someone else, you now get to use that power to build a more loving relationship with YOU. I’d recommend taking baby steps, being radically gentle with yourself, and seeking out relief.

    Spend time away from the desired one – this is for YOU, not for them. If it feels too hard to remove them completely from your life, set a timeframe (a month, a week). Maybe one day you can be friends, but not right now. Time to take a break.

    Use Kim’s strategies (they are brilliant!).

    Take distraction action to unhook from the habit of unrequited love. Get outside in the fresh air, hug your pet, volunteer at a soup kitchen.

    Put yourself on a “romance diet” for a week or two – no soppy movies, no sad songs, no romance novels. Watch comedies and action flicks, listen to uplifting music, read thrillers and whodunnits. Of course there is love and romance around, and it’s absolutely available to you – but if those “happily ever after” stories are feeding the fantasy of one specific person being your true love, then they’re not helping.

    Most of all, spend the next couple of weeks FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF. I’d recommend Jeannette’s Art of Self Love product. Find the feeling of being loved and being in love, without needing another person to get there. Do it for its own sake, not with a hidden agenda of making someone love you. Do it because it feels damn wonderful!

    And once you’re there, don’t be surprised to find an even better lover dropping out of a clear blue sky.

    😉

  13. Anonymous says:

    Wow Kim, love it love it love it! Jackie – hilarious! Oh, as for the question? Trust me It.Does.Not.Work. At.All. Thus do not even worry or bother about ‘ethics’ by being deluded that by standing on one foot by a full moon whilst singing incantations is going to change another person’s feelings for you. Over & out!

    Now however, & as Kim & Jannette said, should you open your heart to love & love only & flow it to you & the person whose affection you covet without a single expectatio (HAHAHA, yeah I know!)…you may be surprised by the result 😉

  14. I get the impression Anonymous speaks from experience. We always appreciate hearing from someone who has practical life experience – although I am making that up, so forgive me if I’m wrong.

    Thanks for posting, my friend. 🙂

  15. Lisa says:

    I typed about 20 paragraphs on this one, but alas, I deleted them all, and will keep this short and sweet.

    The only spells that really get us anything we want are the ones we cast on ourselves…

  16. Jackie says:

    Right on, Lisa

  17. Had to post that on facebook, too, Lisa. (No wonder I love you!)

    Thanks for weighing in here. Very much appreciated!

  18. Kelly says:

    Ah Love…

    When we are in our groove/vortex we don’t NEED love – not the no boundary die-if- I-don’t -have -you love. Being in thrall of that urge for immersion and blending means that we are lost! If you think the same thoughts, like the same stuff and are sooo much alike- you are in love with yourself- and your beloved is a hat rack for your projection. It’s bad enough when it just happens. To chain yourself to that by a deliberate act is welllll..,,deliberate destruction.What goes around comes around!

    The opposite is true too. When we have an animus towards someone- when we blame everything on our ex- that’s another way of giving up our power and creative energy. We are in thrall- and now we are caught in our illusion that the former beloved is the problem. Baby it’s you…

  19. “a hat rack for your projection”!! ooh! Intriguing thoughts!

    Which Kelly is this, exactly? I’d love to hear more from you! Do you blog? Tweet? I’d love to plug in. 🙂

  20. Ashley says:

    Hmmm, and what happens when the spell wears off?

    I personally think a better approach is to manifest the partner that has the qualities that you would look for and have the universe do the work for you. There is some assurance in that approach that it will be the right person that way and if you manifest it right their will be natural mutual love and respect.

    The “spell approach” well that is the human picking out the subject and in my experience that turns out poorly.

  21. MissyB says:

    I kinda think you can’t mess with someone’s free will.
    I think you can change the energy between the two of you…but actually getting in there and doing the whizzy bizz…I don’t think so.
    So if casting a spell changes the energy you project on to Mr A N Other…well can that be so wrong? You are merely changing the energy. And if Mr A N Other picks up on that change of energy and chooses to act on it…well is that wrong? He’s not been dragged down the street kicking and screaming against his will. He’s just caught the waft of the smell of a bacon sarnie and now fancies one.

  22. m.e. says:

    From a very basic L.o.A perspective, if you are somehow magnetizing someone toward yourself intentionally, they are also a vibrational match to your doing so, as with anything. If, as we study law of attraction we say there are no victims, no injustice – there are simply two parties are attracting what they’re a match to.
    Personally I don’t want to coerce anyone to be with me, I don’t like the way that feels and life is much better when I simply set my own tone and let the universe do the rest.

  23. MissyB and m.e. – you make good points: there are no victims, we can’t impose our vibration where it isn’t already aligned.

    Ashley, I like where you’re going with that thought – in my experience, Universe DOES seem to be really good at delivering something even better than I was thinking.
    🙂

  24. GorgeouSophie says:

    Oops! Well, when I posted yesterday, nothing appeared & I now realise much to my disgust that my ‘expectation’ lost its ‘n’ & the whole post is looking rather higgeldy piggeldy! GorgeouSophie here my favourite Jeannette, & I am the one who *knows* they do not work…wonder however what someone like Stella Seaspirit would say of course!

  25. Wow, Kim, this is amazing.

    What we really want is:

    1)the way being around them makes us feel
    2)what they represent in us.

    It really makes me think.

    I do have to say that when I was quite young I did multiple things to try to “make” the boy – who is now my husband – love me. I wished on stars. I blew out birthday candles. And when I was a teenager I cast a spell. I lit a candle, said an incantation and used his photo from our yearbook. And one day when I was 16, out of the blue, I saw him walking down the street and followed my inspired action to turn around and pick him up.

    Looking back now, I think what he represented to me was fearlessness. I was shy and scared of everything – he was just so out there and unspoken, not caring what anyone thought, even as a young boy. And even today he shares things with others that I would keep secret because I’m scared of not being taken seriously.

    Now that I see that, I’m going to look for more and honor those qualities in the both of us.

  26. **out there and OUTspoken** is what I meant to say 🙂

  27. Cate F-N says:

    About 8 years ago I fell madly and obsessively in love with someone. This is when I met Kim, because I was searching for ways to “handle” it, as I was 22 years older and married. And from the perspective of TIME, I found Kim to be right–I had madly fallen in love with aspects of myself that I had denied and suppressed for far to long. His effective was Plutonic on me–it changed my marriage (we are still together,) my health, my work, my relationship with my children and my relationship with creativity. Have patience and see the obsession as a gift, trying to tell you something!

  28. Jack Cox says:

    I was particularly moved by Kim Falconer’s reply and also by the words of Janette. May I just add that it makes no difference whether we talk about the ‘Law of Attraction’ or ‘Magic’ or whether we say ‘spell’, ‘prayer’ or ‘intent’. Its all the same thing.

    Being a big fan of Bill Harris I often quote him saying “Whatever you want there is a certain way of thinking and acting that will get it for you. Your job is to find out what it is and to be flexible enough to adopt it.” Yes, in theory, we can attract anything we desire into our lives, so long as we believe (on a subconscious level) that it will work and expect it to work.

    However people are not things. People have their own agendas and are using the Law of Attraction (or ‘Magic’ if you prefer) themselves too, whether they are aware of it or not. So its not just a case of ethics. We simply can’t use the LoA or Magic to attract a specific named person. It just won’t work.

    What we can do is to attract a person like the person we want, a person with the same characteristics, someone who will make us feel the same way. But first we must learn to love ourselves.

  29. Wow, I’ve got goosebumps reading about your experiences, Bama Girl and Cate!

    Jack, thank you for pointing that out – that there’s no difference in the energy other than what we might label it.

    And I always agree it’s a good idea to start with loving ourselves.

    Thanks for posting, everyone!

  30. Kim and I share the same sentiment on this one.

    In my experience, a relationship that results from a love spell cast with the intention of netting a specific person typically derails after a short while and the experience is usually emotionally traumatic.

    As mentioned by Stacey, the relationship can be prolonged with effort but at the expense of burning yourself out.

    Analogous to what Kim said, you are dealing with aspects of yourself being mirrored back at you so ask yourself what it is about this person that you so admire and then acknowledge it within your being. After all, two whole beings make for a healthy, balanced relationship rather than the emotional turmoil and explosions that arise from co-dependency.

    Someone vibrating from neediness will only attract someone else with the same vibe. Casting a spell into the universe is like activating a receptor (it only receives and delivers frequency resonant with yours).

    I would advise a self-love spell or a love attraction spell, perhaps fashioning a talisman, that is open-ended for the universe to fill in the gaps. A self-love or love attraction talisman will receive self-love/love energy through the correspondences that resonate with self-love such as; the planetary sigil for Venus, the colour pink or green, rose quartz and so on. These correspondences act like tuning forks to attract and imbue the frequency of self-love/love in your being.

    In the case of Bama Girl, though determined she wasn’t needy about it and I think she brought about the event which allowed them to get to know each other better because they were already vibrational matches, it was just a case of gestative timing.

  31. What a treat to hear from you on this one, Stella! Thank you so much for chiming in with your words of wisdom!

    I am just delighting in the thought of a self love spell. !!

  32. Nicole says:

    MissyB: “He’s just caught the waft of the smell of a bacon sarnie and now fancies one.”

    I think this is one of the most hilarious things I’ve ever heard in my life. In a good way. Very instructional!!

  33. Tom Hudson says:

    Wow, am I the only guy here? LOL. Well after 20 years of being a life/personal growth coach I’m used to being in the minority among women. I hope all are aware of: free will, personal authority, and accountability principles as these principles are the foundation upon which my comments are based.
    First from the perspective of the one having a spell cast upon, I doubt that anyone who has a strong constitution and exercises their own free will on a regular basis would be adversely affected by a spell.
    From the perspective of one who is desiring to cast such a spell on someone with a constitution so weak as to succumb it, what would be the point and what would a person find attractive in that. So unless one were so insecure in him/her self as to want a person to be duped into being attracted to them, it seems like an ultimate dead end.
    In addition, such a person with such a weak self esteem would be constantly wondering what would happen should the spell ware off and the person wake up to the fact that they have been manipulate and lied to. After all just what do you think would happen then? Not sure how anyone else feels, but not something I’d want to be a part of.

  34. You were, Tom, until I found Jack’s comment in the spam folder.
    🙂
    I appreciate your comment that someone who is strongly grounded in their energetic intentions isn’t likely to be swept up in someone else’s wishes (unless, of course, those intentions were aligned).

    That’s been my experience as well, and it’s why I suggest to people they get very deliberate in choosing for themselves what they want.

    Thanks for posting, Tom.

  35. Sorry Jeannette, that it’s taken me so long to weigh in on this! When I do spellwork, it always includes a phrase like “may this be for the greater good for all involved, honoring all wisdom of the God and Goddess should a different outcome be better.” And, I’m open to the idea that it’s the ESSENCE of what I want that I’m asking for, so I need to be open to however it shows up. Maybe it won’t be love with this particular person, but what I’m asking for will happen – the essence of it! That way, I’m respecting the other person and I’m respecting the wisdom of source. I see this as ethical magic. 🙂

  36. Ben says:

    Very interesting subject. I’m going to comment before reading the other comments then read some of them.

    What pops into my head initially is the very fact somebody would want to do this stems from something inside, such as a doubt, insecurity or whatever. And instead of trying to control and force someone else to love you which is unhealthy, it would be MUCH more positive and beneficial to work on and let go of whatever is causing you to want to control this person in the first place.

    Such as letting go of the neediness, letting go of what is stopping you from attracting quality relationships into your life and then you will find somebody who is most likely much more suited for you.

    I used to attract ALOT of drama into my life from women, attract all the wrong ones, who would lie, manipulate and cause me lots of trouble and when I started letting go of the things I was holding onto inside using EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) and it’s variations, this really lessened and I attracted more positive and healthy relationships with minimal drama and that went much more smoothly.. and I feel much better for it.

    This really goes into all areas of your life.

    Letting go of the emotions, patterns and especially the past memories/experiences that caused this is powerful and will be much more beneficial in the long run than trying to force somebody to love you!

    -Ben

  37. jennifer says:

    hmmm… what if one was to cast a spell on oneself to try to make him/her more attractive (with the traits) that he/she knows the other person values/finds attractive? then, this would be a spell on the self, still allowing free will for the other person, but upping the ante, or giving yourself a leg up in the event that the efforts may get noticed?

  38. Yes, Ive been asked this many times, as most people want their lover to love them “For natural reasons” and I explain that love cannot be created when its not their, it’s simply not something you can manufacture…
    Now with that said, I don’t think there is anything wrong with giving it a gentle “Push” or allowing a spell to create a situation for something to grow….

  39. buy jordan retro 2 says:

    Wow Kim! I have been struggling lately trying to find various approaches to post on my blogs. This helps tremendously and I appreciate your willingness to share your insights. I wish you peace, joy and success!

  40. Diane says:

    OK, my thoughts differ a little on this one. I do not like to use the word ‘spell’ because it has negative connotations regarding relationships. I am in a relationship with someone whom I love greatly. Things have been push-pull lately and I have been using LOA to help the energy between us be more positive. For instance, I will say things like (let’s use the name Sam here) “I am so very happy and grateful that my committed relationship with Sam is loving, tender, kind, caring, romantic and mutally fulfilling. I am so grateful that we have found each other and that we are terrific life partners who honour and respect each other.” See the difference?

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