Detoxing in a Toxic World?

September 16, 2008 | 36 Comments »

mental_detox1.jpgJust coming back online after a week of Perfect Health at Deepak’s Chopra Center at La Costa Resort. 

My intention was to experience a physical and emotional detox, giving my body an extra chance to achieve optimum health and my mind to relax in ways it previously hadn’t.

The daily panchakarma massages, group meditations, yoga classes, ayurvedic meals and classroom instruction were quite a change of pace which quickly took a natural hold on me.

I soon found less tolerance for tv, raised voices, even for garbage (go figure).  At the same time it became much easier to see the beauty all around – in food, people, birds, songs, situations.  

Kinda trippy, to say the least.

One night I returned from group meditation to my room where my boyfriend watched tv.  As I sipped ginger tea (several cups a day to aid detox), I asked what he was watching, because whatever it was grated on my nerves. 

(I should add, detox symptoms include irritability!  I maybe should have warned him before he joined me on the trip.)

Anyway, he was watching some crime drama like Criminal Minds or Law & Order – not something I usually watch – but also not something I’d leave the room because of. 

As I stood there sipping my detox tea in front of what felt like toxic tv, I realized the irony.  I’m getting yucky stuff out and taking more in at the same time.  Ridiculous! 

I realized it was time to take better care of my vibration.  Things I’ve tolerated in the past really stood out now.

So, as one participant asked our instructor, how do you return to the “real world” after a week of bliss and peace?

“You don’t,” she said.

Ha!

You don’t.

She said, “You don’t come back to the same world, or at least you don’t come back as the same person.”

It seemed a bold claim at the time, but I get it now.

The question is how do I still be with my beau who listens to radio commercials I wouldn’t listen to and watches shows I wouldn’t watch and eats food I wouldn’t eat and goes places I wouldn’t go and engages in conversations I’d rather not?

We each probably have different answers to these questions, but for me, it looked like this:

  • I shared with him what I was feeling so he understood what was up
  • I didn’t require him to change, or even suggest he should or needed to
  • I purposely am enjoying the overlap we have in common

For example, this weekend is the annual golf tournament he always attends in Moab.  It’s a gorgeous place, and I’ve accompanied him ever since we started dating.  But the last trip was too much of a “guy’s weekend” for me to enjoy.  (Late night poker & drinking in the community condo – big PASS.)  So he’s going without me this weekend. 

No hard feelings on either side.

When he came home from work last night I respectfully turned down the Ong So Hung chant that was playing.  (Not his style.)  Later that night when I walked in the tv room he muted his noisy tv drama long enough for us to converse.  When I came back later and sat down, he turned it off altogether.  I suggested Thursday night we see the movie we’re both interested in before he leaves for the weekend. 

This isn’t so hard after all!

I suspect many of you have found additional ways to manage your vibration in challenging environments and relationships.  Would love to hear your tips, or questions if you have them. 

Thanks in advance for sharing your wisdom and experience with all of us here.

* * * * * * * *
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36 Responses to “ Detoxing in a Toxic World? ”

  1. Kim Falconer says:

    Hi Jeannette,

    I loved hearing about your detox week AND your solutions to the contrast. It’s a little different for me. As I give up tolerations and nurture my vibration, I spend more and more time alone.

    When I say alone, it’s a paradox because I feel more connected than I ever did when I lived with partners and spent long hours with a variety of people. Now I live with trees, cats and flowers, I only spend time with people I love and I see beauty everywhere.

    I’m not certain how I would accommodate or participate in a live-in relationship anymore. How would that go? I’m very interested in hearing how it’s done!

    Please everyone, enlighten me!

    x Kim

  2. Ha – Kim – I was going to say “you’re not alone” lol (in spending more and more time alone).

    Seriously, I’ve noticed that’s not an unusual response when someone gets really deliberate about nurturing their good vibration.

    Accommodating the “live-in relationship” – this is what I’m looking forward to hearing others pitch in on!

  3. Paul. says:

    I’m excited that you’re both discovering ways to enjoy the common ground you share.

    I have to confess this is an issue that I’ve negotiated much less successfully in my own relationships in the past, but I’m inspired by your example (for the next time I find myself in that space).

    PS: welcome back

  4. Thanks for the welcome back, Paul, and I look forward to when you ARE negotiating this territory again since you always offer valuable insights to us!

  5. Jessica Earl says:

    This hits home… or rather I’ve often wondered about this topic and had my fair share of challenges.

    So… when we become aware, and are focused on changing something, it means we also become aware of the polar opposite. It is natural to suddenly see the contrast. For instance, I set my intention to eat healthy, and suddenly I am bombarded with junk food around me (well it happens to be too many birthday celebrations or too many goodies from well meaning family and friends) So… do I resist it? Do I give it attention? It seems as though it is there mocking me… haha, you don’t want to pay attention to me, but here I am. 🙂

    So really, what I found is that the true balance of it is that we swing far in one direction and the contrast swings us back in to balance. It is about realizing we have the strength to be “at peace” even while we are surrounded by chaos, noise or otherwise, right?

    I mean, do we need to sequester ourselves away from people, noise, chaos and negativity? Yes it feels GOOD. But what feels equally good is finding our own “quiet” inner world no matter what is going on around us.

    I agree being subjected to constant negativity really is a vibe crusher. I am merely sharing how we also manage to attract the polar opposite and how we can overcome by knowing we do not need our external conditions to “be” what we want or need to find that place, right?

    I have found some blissful, amazing moments while alone… and connected to “all that is” and I don’t want to trade it for anything. Yet, I found that it also increased my sensitivity to the world around me. I don’t want to de-sensitize too much and become numb, but I also don’t want to be so sensitized that a greater number of external events bother me. That defeats the whole purpose of gaining that bliss in the first place. Why have the “real world” suddenly become that much less tolerable?

    Anyhow, it is such a fascinating topic!! I really love to discover ways to remain in our good vibes regardless of our external stimuli. 🙂

    I’ve always considered myself highly sensitive. It has been such a painful journey, that I had to find that balance otherwise I’d be swinging between complete “escape” and completely “hyper-sensitive” either case was painful.

    I compare it to my choice of not using toxic chemicals for cleaning, etc. I do it for health and the environment. Yet, I have NO tolerance. It seems if there is bleach around my senses break down and I have a “melt-down”. I can’t even walk past the isle with the cleaners in it without my nose making my insides go awry. In turn, basically, I feel like a wimp, when in reality, my goal is to make my body STRONGER. So? What’s that mean? Maybe partial exposure? Maybe use them at work, but not at home? Starting to get my gist?

    Does this make sense? I’m not sure I explained it well, but I am truly grateful for the balance that I’ve discovered.

    Now I feel like maybe I’ve gone off topic a bit. I DO find it a challenge to fulfill what we know we require and want to raise our vibe while respecting others around us. My daughter needs to MOVE- constantly. She needs to make noise constantly. That’s just her. I love her for it and being “her”. Yet… that movement is over-stimulating to me, and the noise too. So how do we spend time together and who gets to have it their way? Short of never being in the same room with one another.

    So… the question is still open, in many ways. So let’s hear some more. I love it!!
    Namaste, Jessica

  6. Yes, Jessica, I would agree – you’ve got a special sensitivity that is probably more of a gift than you may be giving yourself credit for.

    (You know, like someone who has a high pain threshold doesn’t get the care they might need because they’re not aware of pain signals?)

    It seems to me this sensitivity strongly helps keep you on track. You can’t get too far off without it REALLY getting your attention.

    I’d call that a good thing. (Of course I would, though, since there’s no use looking at it as a bad thing! lol)

    I also like the thought that the “real world” is becoming more .. mm, tolerable. More peaceful. More accommodating. Easier. More enjoyable. And I can name lots of ways that seems to be true. For me, at least.

    Nice comments, Jessica. Thanks for inspiring the greater thought!

  7. Ann says:

    I think that we all struggle with these issues in any relationship in our lives…boyfriends, spouses, parents, children, friends. When we are focusing on our own inner peace, we feel agitated by the outside noises. Sometimes I even get very annoyed with birds chirping!

    I try to compartmentalize my activities. I separate out the time that I know will be quiet to those when I know I will have a ton of outside disturbances. For example, if I know that my family is going to be around, I realize that it’s not “my time” at that particular moment, so I strive to be completely present for them.

    For many busy folks “my time” never seems to come. You can start by trying to find 5-10 minutes a day to connect with your soul. I grab these precious moments while waiting in a grocery line or while I’m stuck in traffic. If you can’t even find that, then perhaps take a few deep conscious breaths when you are feeling annoyed or stressed by something.

    Each precious moment in life will give a gift. Stay ever present and consciously aware, to receive this gift. You will begin to see that even amidst chaos you’ll find your inner calm.

    Anna

  8. Anna, you’re making me laugh – I’ve been annoyed with the birds on occasion, too! lol

    Thank you for the VERY helpful and practical tips here! I like the compartmentalizing idea. That’s something I can certainly use more consciously.

    Thanks again for posting, Ann!

  9. I think I must have decided it would be a good time to be human on earth in this time. That’s why! lol

    Seriously, Jeff, I think these challenges are part of the whole gig. I think it’s a given (although that may be limiting) and I also think it’s part of the fun. For real.

    Can you imagine being a human being and not experiencing challenging situations and relationships? I have to admit, when I try that one on it almost feels boring.

    What do you think?

  10. Yes, Jessica, it makes a lot of sense! As many have observed, mountaintop experiences are great; but you can’t live there.

    Fortunately, you don’t have to. Watch the Dalai Lama as he travels. You can practically see it radiating from him. It’s what is meant by the ancient expression, “in the world, but not of it,” I’m pretty certain. If your vibe is unshakable, you can go just about anywhere and see things from that other point of view. It’s not closing yourself off – that’s a whole different thing, and I doubt our Master Coach here would advise it – but, rather, being secure in the positiveness the mountain top brings. You get that inner calm Anna mentioned regardless of your surroundings.

    Not that it’s an easy thing to do. I’m terribly inconsistent with it, myself, and more consistently lacking than having it. Still, practice improves things.

    Recently I’ve been trying to pinpoint the sorts of things that I do that remove my inner calm, the self-defeating things. You know, like getting irritated at someone who’s not conforming to what I think should happen, or feeling superior about my point of view and thinking they’re so wrong and backward not to see it. Stuff like that sneaks in, looking like an attempt at the right thing while preventing it. There’s much more there, on the tip of my (metaphorical) tongue, but as I have yet to grasp it, I’ll pipe down, now.

  11. Oh – Jeannette’s reactions to input/surroundings incongruous with her just-detoxified self are exactly the sort of “in the world but not of it” things I am striving for: getting along fine and even influencing for the better without blowing the vibe in self-righteous demanding behavior. Just wanted to say Thanks for the good model.

  12. Jeff Atherton says:

    “manage your vibration in challenging environments and relationships”… huh?

    But Jeannette, you choose to put yourself in those “challenging environments and relationships”…

    Why is that?

  13. Yes, John, I agree! Dalai Lama is a really good example of how it can exist in the “real world”!

    And here we are practicing it ourselves, which just makes it that much more accessible not only to us, but also to those around us.

    You gotta admit that’s pretty cool!

    Thank you for the kind words, too, John. You may be giving me more credit than I deserve, but it’s certainly what I’m shooting for! 🙂

  14. Anonymous says:

    Jeannette – you always remind me that “we are all One.” I wonder the same things that you blog about. Do I need to have a guy who’s a touchy-feely new-agey veggie like I am or can I have a guy who’s kind of a hamburger eating jock and maneuver through that just like I would any obstacle; which is what relationships provide us with so that we can become more flexible. Relationships as yoga – they give us a good stretch!
    Blessings and gratitude for raising these issues that are so perfect for me!

  15. I like that, Anonymous – “relationships giving us a good stretch.”

    I think, Jeff, THAT’S why we put ourselves here. For the growth.

    (And maybe for the good sex, too, I think. hee hee)

    Anonymous, I am all for working the carnivorous jocks into our beautiful peaceful lives. In fact, that’s almost a perfect description of my guy. If we just add “nuclear-weapon making” to it, too. lol

    Thanks for posting, my friend!

  16. Jeannette — sounds like you and Russ are getting in (and getting better) with the “Groove” in your “Dance” of the life relationship — nice to move to different vibes and learn from each other without having to always be the ‘lead’ partner . . . sounds like a wonderful – growing – thriving – relationship.

    Just follow each other’s lead and keep with the “Rhythms” that you both bring to the “party”.

    Your adventure(s) sounds wonderful — I’m intending to have that retreat very soon!

    Cheers, P.

  17. It is that, Phillis – at least, I can see it that way in this red hot moment: “growing, thriving, wonderful.”

    Thanks for mirroring that back to me. 🙂

    PS – Chopra Center staff will LOVE having you join them for a week! You bring a great vibe to the table!

  18. Ann says:

    John, don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a light in the world being exactly who you are.

    If you see yourself struggling with something (whether it is bringing calmness to a situation) or anything else, then you’ll attract more of that. At least this is my understanding of the LOA, which Jeannette might be able to shed some light on.

    Observe every situation, and your feelings toward it as they come. Allow all your feelings and thoughts, be mindful of them, and simply try not to react to them. Just observe them. I think that this is how we can create the space to “be in the world, not of it”.

    I don’t like to berate myself, that I am not mastering this stuff yet. Like you said it takes practice to shed all that baggage from the past and learn a new way.

    Be blessed on your journey. Remember you, as everyone else, are where you are supposed to be always.

    BTW – I’m going to see Wayne Dyer speak (my first time to see him live)! I missed the Delai Lama when he was in town.

    Anna

  19. Gillian says:

    I think that sometimes the idea of “tolerations” can be taken out of context. While I agree, that tolerations do not generate good vibes, I believe we need to rethink the term and what it means when it comes to relationships, whether with spouse, family members or friends. Living and interacting with other human beings takes much “give and take”. Practising loving kindness and patience with other’s shortcomings is essential in relationships. While we do that, people around us will also respond with a generous heart to our own shortcomings. While we “tolerate” other’s shortcomings, we know, that they have so many other good qualities about them too and we can balance these energies out. When we focus on people’s strength instead of their shortcomings, those shortcomings will eventually disappear, or seem so miniscule, that we don’t feel we need to “tolerate” anything. Relationships is always about give and take, the more we give, the more we get. Unless we want to live a life of loneliness and seclusion, “toleration” or “patience” is key to interact with other humans, but it just doesn’t need to always feel bad. Its just all about give and take and focusing on the good qualities of people instead of their weaknesses. We get what we focus on, don’t we? I think we become self-absorbed humans, when we limit or cut off our interaction with other people, just because we refuse to “tolerate” anything with the hopes to keep our vibes up. I am not even sure this attitude will keep our vibes up for very long, because it really gives us nothing but loneliness as a result of our self-centredness. Loneliness and seclusion is not my idea of a joyful life!

  20. Yes, Gillian, I would agree.

    I would add that these relationships outside us are a reflection of our own inner world.

  21. Jessica Earl says:

    So, I love the discussion here! I would like to point the other aspect of this post- “detox”.

    I guess the point is, that detoxifying ourselves, gives us more awareness of what is actually “toxifying” us on a daily basis. Once we are “gunked” up, we stop noticing these things. So really, all it is, is an opportunity to make a choice on how much and when we let our world impact our vibe negatively. Right? I mean, if day to day, we give ourselves “some” time, (even those few mintues standing in line) then we can keep ourselves from getting a toxic inner world build up.

    when we don’t have this build up, which is being in a state of awareness… which makes us more present for our relationships and interacting with the world. This is all a good thing!

    Abe’s explanation of Preference is what comes to mind. To me, that seems to make everything clear and less dramatic than to tolerate or not; helps give us patience with others who have different preference than us; and also the detox lets us know where our preferences lie.

    On that note, sharing with all of you is a preference that feels good! 😀

    Thanks everyone for sharing too! I love reading the responses. Thank you Jeannette for always managing to stretch our thinking, beliefs, and finding more of our own inner dialogue!!

    Love & Light, Jess

  22. Kim Falconer says:

    This is all so brilliant.

    I love the contrasts and insights. Thank you everyone!

    I am with Jessica on the notion of preference. If we think of someone’s choice and actions as a preference instead of a short coming or fault, it shifts the energy immediately. There is nothing pathological in them, or us…just different ways of experiencing situations–different as opposed to better or worse, right or wrong. Getting in alignment with that puts a new twist on toleration.

    I have to say I do love living ‘alone’ though. I’ve not experience loneliness or isolation but then I am surrounded with all kinds of energies. To me loneliness is a state of mind which can be experienced with or without the proximity of loved ones.

    Jeannette, I’m wondering…given everything is energy, how can anything be toxic?

    Warm blessing,
    Kim

  23. Oooh, Jess, this REALLY hit home for me:

    “detoxifying ourselves, gives us more awareness of what is actually ‘toxifying’ us on a daily basis. Once we are ‘gunked’ up, we stop noticing these things.”

    That’s what this process has been for me.

    Thanks for putting it in words that make sense. 🙂

  24. Kim, I like how your perspective keeps you from concluding “right” or “wrong” …

    and I’m trying on the thought that nothing’s “toxic.”

    In fact, that’s easy for me to embrace from the perspective that everything serves us, all is well, and nothing is “wrong” or needs changing.

    In that light, it’s not that a crime drama tv show feels toxic to me, but rather that I prefer not to be with it. ha ha

    Subtle but powerful distinction in the languaging. Thank you for that, my friend!!

    I’m considering letting go of my belief in toxicity! lol

  25. Judi says:

    Hi everyone,
    Love the post Jeannette and all the brill feedback.

    It is helping me with a “toleration” I have a battle with with my current live in partner Tony. I say a battle I have, it’s really one I am managing better now, but it doesn’t always sit easy. All of your feedback about “preferences” and “give and take” really help me a lot here, so thanks for that.

    The “toleration” sits around the fact that I am a very committed vegan. The thought of eating animals is totally unacceptable to me. And guess what, Tony is not a vegan. He has tried to be, bless him, but a meat free diet just doesn’t seem to suit him. He doesn’t eat dairy and very few eggs by choice, but the meat – which is the real biggie for me, he really seems to need. He feels like I do about animals and is really compassionate, but he seems to need the meat for energy, or at least that is where his consciousness is at right now.

    I’ve struggled with this for years, but recently I’ve learnt to give and take, his life and body are his own, he is so much more than his eating habits and is a blessing in my life. I have come to an accommodation with it. Now I don’t see it the same way, it isn’t a toleration any more. It’s okay. He is well and happy on this diet, and I love to see that. If it’s to be that he can change his diet, it will happen in his time not mine.

    It’s only toxic in my life if I make it be so.

    Now all I need to do is deal with all the other tolerations, yes I seem to have a lot of them!!! in the same way.

    Love to all
    Judi

  26. Oh, Judi, you and I could have a heydey with this one!

    I’ve spent a LOT of time on this topic myself, as I consistently date meat eaters, and although many of them gravitate towards eating less animal products as they spend more time with me, inevitably I eventually find myself sitting across the table from someone I love who is relishing a juicy red slab of dead animal flesh.

    (I couldn’t resist. Ok, maybe I could have. lol Apologies to all you meat eaters!)

    Anyway, I studied lots of Abe and P’taah material that helped me find peace on this one.

    This actually might make a great blog post all on its own!

    Judi, kudos to you for making the conscious choice about what’s “toxic” and what’s not to you.

    (I guess Kim’s observation is already taking hold in me – as I felt naturally compelled to put “toxic” in quotes.)

    Thanks to both of you! 🙂

  27. Contrast – choice – observer – however we choose to view life it is what it is to ‘us’ as we choose the meaning . . . we can tolerate (a word/feeling) or accept (another word and feeling) — it is up to each of us — like the saying ‘pick your battles’ – – – whatever you choose is what you are vibrating – remember you can choose to view differently and allow what is to be. . .

    “Here is your Friday story,

    A Pot of Panatunies

    As many times before, my gardening rituals brought about some thoughts. The other day I learned a lesson; but not one of which I didn’t already know. The lesson just became clearer because of my hands-on experience.

    We have a large pot of panatunies growing in our back yard. You might ask, “What are panatunies?” When our daughter was about 3 years old she proclaimed the name of our petunias by combining the name pansies and petunias. We have used that name ever since to describe our petunias.

    Just like roses, if you want more blooms to occur on your petunias, you need to snap off the dried up buds. I don’t mind at all dead-heading petunias or roses; in fact it’s rather relaxing. So here I was working with this big pot of petunias which are a beautiful deep purple. As I was standing on one side of the pot I picked all the dead ones I could see, and thought I was through. However as I began to move around the pot I began to see more and more of them. For awhile I thought I would never finish. I began to lift up the stems to discover more underneath.

    The result I am always trying to bring about is to help maintain a nice looking pot of panatunies. This work always rewards me with new blooms. A few days of laziness had got me to this place and I was paying the price.

    The thought that came to me is that if we procrastinate, we pay a price or even worse. We may have to do something over and over to keep the beauty of what we want to accomplish.

    In other words, change your perception, your view. Heck, stand at a different spot if you have to. There are times (sometimes many) that you feel you’re going around in circles picking off old dried blooms, but what you are really doing is clearing up old negative garbage and being persistent trying out new ideas.

    If you want your life to look and feel great there are times that you may have to do something over and over while you’re looking under your old beliefs and picking them off to bring forth new and vibrant ones.

    Ideas with right action equal a great life, but if you don’t feel you’re there yet then go back to the pot of panatunies and start over again. You will then find your life enriched with new vibrant blooms.”

    © Tony Masiello 2008

    Tony Masiello is an author, and intuitive consultant. He is the author fo the e-book, Whispers from the Universe, which is a collection of writings that will help you, motivate you, inspire you and guide you along the inner path ofyour life. For more information or to contact Tony, go to his website: http://www.universalinsight.com

  28. so – here’s a thought – if we release ‘judgment’ in our relationships – are we compromising ‘who we are’ or will ‘we’ be better for that release? Looking back at some good/great relationships I wonder — would they have been better without that ‘judgment’ of me not compromising ‘me’ for who I was then? Just thinking out loud. . . . seems like that adage “six of one and half a dozen of the other”

  29. Hmm, Phillis. You’re making me think of the situation I just posted on the Rules Shmules post.

    Years ago my fiance told me he was NOT okay with the fact that I was friends with my ex husband. He said he didn’t even want me to TALK to him on the phone, let alone see him in person.

    My ex husband was a good friend; I was proud of the fact that we had a great relationship post-divorce.

    And here was my new love telling me it was a problem.

    I thought, okay – this is what relationships are. Compromise. It’s a problem for him. I’ll let my ex know I can’t be friends with him any more.

    And a few days later my fiance showed off his new shoes to me. Shoes that he had just bought while shopping with HIS ex-wife.

    I said, … well, basically I said “What the hell – I can’t even TALK to MY ex but you can SHOP with YOURS?” and he said, “mm, I see your point. But … NO. It is not okay for you to be friends with Kevin.” And he was still going to do whatever he wanted with HIS ex.

    That’s when I threw the ring at him.

    hee hee

    Gotta love those passionate moments in life!!!

    I sure do love it now, anyway.

    But in reference to your question – would I have compromised myself to release judgement that he was being a hypocrite?

    lol

    Honestly, the thought of getting over that one is such a ridiculous thought for me that I can’t properly entertain it.

    This is a good question, Phillis.

    I’m curious to hear others weigh in on it …

  30. Kim Falconer says:

    Great ring throwing story, Jeannette! And a good example.

    It may be semantics but I think if we release the judgment it is not a compromise. It’s a compromise only if you don’t want to do the thing you are doing. If you release it, you don’t care. It’s no longer an issue.

    Not being friends with an ex because the current beau says so is a compromise (or perhaps enabling insecurities lol) UNLESS one releases the desire to be friends with the ex.

    Thinking about it that way might help with the choice to release, compromise or call the deal breaker.

    x Kim

  31. Gillian says:

    Every relationship needs compromise from both sides and finding the middle path is key to keep any relationship well and working. I see this all the time with successfull marriages and relationships, people are just willing to compromise and search for the middle way, letting go of their ego’s, self-centredness, insistence on their own ways and views. Each of them happily “sacrifice” some of their own views and habits in order to find common ground, which leads to fullfillment in their relationship, if a happy and lasting relationship is what you are looking for. It always takes two to tanggo in every relationship, because it involves two people, with two different hearts, different needs and wants, different habits, different views. Both parties have to make the effort to “compromise”, “sacrifice” and “tolerate” to find middle ground and then reap the rewards of a happy, successful relationship, or else you might just be happy alone.

  32. Good point, Kim!!

    That’s an empowering realization, indeed.

    I’ll have fun with this one in the future …

    Thanks for posting!

  33. Paul. says:

    I know the party has moved on from here (and, frankly, I’d rather focus on our relationships than financial “panic”) but I wanted to thank you all for reminding me to pay attention to how the words I choose effect my vibe.

    Your posts got me thinking to how I use some of the more “charged” words appearing in the thread–words like “toxic,” “tolerate,” “compromise,” and “vibration,” to name a few.

    Kim’s observation about the term “toxic” struck a chord with me. How does assigning a “toxic” label help my vibe? Is it more effective than “vibe-lowering” as a label? I feel a quality of “resisting” in my body when I choose the “toxic” label and, as we know, “what we resist persists.” So, after thinking about this, my first thought was to intend to choose “vibe-raising” and “vibe-lowering” as my spectrum of “judgement.” (Let’s call this my baby-step towards No Judgement. 😉 ) As in, “does this experience/situation/relationship/etc. raise my vibe or lower it?”

    OK, better but I’m still lacking something…. It occurs to me that even this new spectrum of judgement, the mere judgement itself doesn’t provide me with any real power at all. (I take that back: it gives my ego some smug boost, a bit of superiority from the act of judging, but we know that not creative power.)

    How about I simply recognise that my vibe is being lowered and then, in that moment, in that situation, reclaim my creating power by finding a way to raise my vibe? I wonder, is that how the Dalai Lama does it? (And maybe the Dalai Lama does it so “effortlessly” because he’s not in a relationship like that .)

    I’ve read a number of books on negotiating where a key premise for successful negotiating is to work towards win-win for everyone. So I’d like you all to remind me, when I’m next in relationship, that I’ve intend to “negotiate” or “navagate” instead of “compromise.” (“Compromise” just reminds me of what I had to “give up” and, as a creating, unlimited being, there is nothing to give up, right?–Hmmmm, still wrapping my head around that one.) Yesterday, the Abraham-Hicks Quote of the Day spoke about this topic:

    “Tell everyone you know: ‘My happiness depends on me, so you’re off the hook.’ And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they’re doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel—and then, you’ll love them all. Because the only reason you don’t love them, is because you’re using them as your excuse to not feel good.”

    Thanks, you guys, for helping me by a better partner in my next relationship!

  34. Kim Falconer says:

    Hi Paul,
    These are interesting insights, and the Abe quote at the end really ties it together. I hadn’t heard that before–You’re off the hook! I love that!

    If words like toxic, compromise and tolerate are charged, its because they imply a loss of power–we have to give something up, or put up with or endure….It’s a turn of phrase, but the language used to structure the thought is key, as you point out.

    If I feel out of alignment with a situation, instead of thinking it’s ‘toxic’ or something I have to ‘deal with’, (giving it power over me–it is forcing me to respond) I think of it as a road I can travel or not. The road has no power. I choose to walk it or not, and there is always a choice, a different direction, different paths.

    Instead of working out how to negotiate a road that isn’t a vibration I want to experience, I see a different road–one I do want to travel.

    It sounds like semantics but it’s the thought that counts and when we ‘hear’ our thoughts we are expressing them through language. Because language is the scaffolding our culture hangs on, changing the language we use is as important as changing our thoughts! The paradigm shift starts with words.

    What do you think?

    🙂 Kim

  35. Two big ahas for me in reading Paul’s and Kim’s comments.

    I’ve heard Abe say that before, but reading that quote you posted, Paul, just made me realize how truly UP TO ME my happiness is. NO ONE ELSE is responsible for it!

    I KNOW that intellectually, and I think I practice it to a fair extent, but the response I felt in reading those words shows me I’m a little bit nervous about being SOLELY responsible for my happiness. ugh!

    I mean, I don’t get ANY help here?! lol Didn’t some boyfriend or girlfriend or parent or neighbor agree to rendezvous with me in this time/space and help make my happiness an easier gig? hee hee

    Oh my. Uncomfortable thought!

    Wait a minute here … he did!! My neighbor DID agree!! And he delivered! My crackhead neighbor I’ve written about before (who to be fair isn’t really a crackhead – it’s meth he does, I think.)

    He DID give me huge help in finding my way to happiness. Whoa.

    Paradigm shifts!! lol

    And Kim, changing the language as important as changing the thoughts is giving me goose bumps! You’ve captured something really important here … will be dwelling on this some more as to how I can help clients with this …

    Thank you, both! I am SO grateful for your insights!

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