Granting Freedom from Tolerations

September 24, 2009 | 39 Comments »

freedomEarlier this week I published an issue of Get What You Want ezine asking deliberate creators to acknowledge the energy-drainers that keep them from alignment with their dreams come true.

I wrote that many of us don’t “see” the things that serve as manifesting obstacles, like jobs we hate, relationships that aren’t working, or responsibilities we don’t enjoy.  The reason we don’t recognize them as problematic is because we often think these things are unchangeable or we’ve just grown to take them for granted.

(Like the frog who doesn’t jump out of the pot as the heat gradually increases.  We’re just used to it.)

I received emails from grateful folks who were willing to look for – and see – what wasn’t serving them vibrationally in daily life.

And while it seems helpful to point out potential pitfalls, I also wanted to offer solutions here by continuing where the ezine left off.

Not to suggest I know what’s best for you when it comes to changing your work, breaking up with partners or running away from home.

But I believe there is one thing that can help no matter the situation we’re dealing with.

That is to recognize we have a choice.

We always have a choice.

Once upon a time I hated my job, but I went because of the story I believed about how I should be grateful for it, that bills needed paying, and that the investment in this career shouldn’t be wasted, etc. etc.

And it was misery.

But once I realized (with the help of a coach) that I actually had a choice as to whether I got out of bed and went to work, it wasn’t quite as awful to go.  I could stay home.  That was an option!

That choice would have consequences, surely … but it was an option!

Believe it or not, that was a new perspective to me.  I could stay home!  I could get a different job.  I could spend my savings.  I could go bankrupt.  I could move back home with folks.  (Okay, maybe not that.)  But I had options!

All of a sudden this option (of going to work) made sense.  (Until it didn’t, and then I quit.)

But it was easier to go to work when I did it out of choice.

And when I didn’t enjoy my marriage …  I’d been raised to believe divorce was not an option; that this was a promise for life.  Grin and bear it.  It’s what we do.

Then one day, I realized I could stay married – or I could be divorced.  (Can you hear the angels singing?!)  CHOICE!  Freedom!

Just having the breathing room of knowing there were alternate possibilities available made it easier to be there.  (Divorce was his idea, not mine, but it was a good one.)

And there was a client who did not enjoy being a parent.  At all.  That was their big toleration in life.  (And that’s not an easy thing to admit, my friends: that you wish you’d never had your kids.)

They were flabbergasted to hear me suggest they seriously consider their long time fantasy of relinquishing custody to the other parent and pursuing their big dream of travel with a new lover.

As they considered the possibility, guess what happened?  They began to recognize the joys of raising children.  To the point they realized they would not be happy giving it up.  That’s the magic of feeling CHOICE in life.

When you have room to say no, it makes the yes easier to feel.

So when you’re doing the work of following what feels best, be sure to include some options you might not have considered before.  Give yourself freedom to make a true choice, and don’t be surprised if that in itself transforms your experience of old “tolerations.”

(Easy to say for the girl who quit and got divorced, I know, but take it from my client who is now happily raising her children – it helps tremendously to recognize we truly have a choice.)

If any of you have experiences to share about eliminating big tolerations in life, I’d love to hear them!

* * * * * * * *
Jeannette Maw is the LOA party host at GVU and publisher of the rave reviewed Good Vibe newsletter, which you can subscribe to here.

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39 Responses to “ Granting Freedom from Tolerations ”

  1. Theresa Robbins on September 24, 2009 at 10:23 am

    I am loving this post, Jeannette! This is exactly what I try to teach all my clients. I have learned to love and embrace the concept of everything being a choice because it absolutely is! For a long time, I was a stay-at-home mom stuck in the belief that I had no other choice. I had all sorts of evidence to support this, but ultimately, my heart longed for more. When I gave myself permission to just consider becoming a coach, a certain freedom and excitement washed over me and I gradually opened the door to creating a new, more fulfilling and definitely more joyful life. It is an incredible gift I have given to myself. This awareness of everything being a choice is an absolutely liberating way to live. Everyday, I get to decide what I want to do…and so does everyone else! I firmly believe that by living from this place, in this energy I am so much more powerful in attracting exactly what I want.

  2. Good Vibe Coach on September 24, 2009 at 10:25 am

    Theresa, I had WAVES of goose bumps while reading your post!!

    “Everyday, I get to decide what I want to do…and so does everyone else!”

    Well said! And indeed, that perspective creates a mighty fine & attractive vibration.

    Thanks for echoing an important message, Theresa.
    :)

  3. PurePotential on September 24, 2009 at 10:26 am

    Choice = freedom, sweet, delicious freedom. Choice begins with thought. The opportunity becomes available the moment we create a thought that is better than the current thought. A single step higher on the vibrational scale. With practice, the recognition of a thought that does not feel good triggers the immediate move to a better thought.
    namaste Jeannette

  4. Sara Exley on September 24, 2009 at 10:27 am

    Seeing the word CHOICE so majestically in all caps made me think of something.

    CHOICE is Creating Happiness Of Intending Consciously Everyday

    (I’m sure there are all kinds of power words I could play with. Those are just the words that hit me immediately.)

    I love this post. It’s so true, when I am so clear that I’m CHOOSING my life, receiving the bliss of my own freedom immediately becomes my experience. What a shift! Going from I have to – to I GET to.

    (I used to use this languaging with my summer campers a lot, and rarely did they ever argue with me.) When I have a clear intention, I install clear experiences within myself. When I am clear that it’s my choice to receive my own power, it becomes the gift that keeps on giving. All the time. Every time.

    I don’t have a lot of experience with eliminating daily tolerations – but I do have a lot of experience with molding tolerations into delights. (Will share more about that later, time to go to lunch.)

    Happy Birthday, again Jeannette!!! Many <3's to you!!

    High Vibes to All,
    Sara E.

  5. Good Vibe Coach on September 24, 2009 at 11:42 am

    Mm, yes indeed, Susan! Freedom to choose our thought is what makes this game so much fun, huh?!

    Thanks for pitching in on the conversation!

  6. Jenny on September 24, 2009 at 11:43 am

    I once had a boss that really got under my skin. She was passive-aggressive and could be really difficult to work with. It was all I could to do tolerate her. I made peace with it and chose to not let her get to me. Best part: I then got a new boss who I really liked.

    In reading what you wrote, it really opened my eyes to how many more choices I have about everything than what I was acknowledging. I mean, everything! Here’s my latest example. I’ve been thinking about the different ways to market my business. Some feel icky, so I’m not doing them, even if people say it’s the “right thing” to do. It’s a choice I have. And I choose to not do the things that feel icky and putting it in that perspective feels way better!

    Thanks for sharing!

  7. Good Vibe Coach on September 24, 2009 at 12:07 pm

    Ooh, and the beautiful thing about not doing those “icky” things, Jenny .. is that you won’t attract “icky” people/results either!

    LOVE your example of making peace with difficult boss and then getting a new one! lol

    Thanks for being here, Jenny. :)

  8. Rosemary on September 24, 2009 at 12:08 pm

    Thank you for this! I had just been praying 20 minutes before reading this, for help with clarifying why I should appreciate things in my life.

    I have been tolerating and living with a heaviness. Yet, realizing that I have been choosing, also gives me the oppurtunity to appreciate why I have chosen this and love myself for the choice I make everyday.

    With much love and thanks,
    Rosemary

  9. Sara Exley on September 24, 2009 at 2:51 pm

    A very interesting acronym for CHOICE hit me like a ton of bricks upon reading this…

    Creating Happiness Of Intending Consciously Everyday

    Hmph!

    Love this post, Jeannette. It couldn’t be more true and to the point than that.

  10. Janette on September 24, 2009 at 5:24 pm

    Your ezine landed in my inbox at exactly the right time (but you knew that, right??). It sounds extraordinary, but it’s only been this week that I’ve really, finally GOT that I have choice … in absolutely everything. And I can’t begin to express how great that feels!!!

    I still have no idea what to do with this new, deeper understanding, but I’m not rushing into anything.

    Do I want to write, really? Do I want to stay in this town, really? Do I want to work for myself, really?

    I love love love being able to say “I dunno! – but I will know just as soon as I’m ready”. After so many years of living other people’s notion of success and happiness, I intend to have so much fun playing with my own. Woohoo!!

  11. Good Vibe Coach on September 24, 2009 at 6:56 pm

    Mm, well said, Rosemary – and loving yourself for it is an immensely empowering choice as well!

    PS – you’re not alone in living with tolerations. In fact, even though many coaches strive for living in a “toleration free zone” (TFZ for short), I don’t know a single one who consistently does. Just sayin’ – we’ve got good company.
    :)

    Nice acronym, Sara! I’m quoting you on that one!

    Janette, here’s to finding your true choices in life! woo hoo!

  12. sonia on September 25, 2009 at 1:34 am

    My marriage was not happy but I just covered whatever feelings I had with a happy face sticker. I told myself I could create whatever I wanted from that relationship, I could make it work. Well, sometimes, I did but deep down inside, it still didn’t feel right. I knew I wasn’t as loving as I said I was and I wasn’t happy but I accepted the fact that marriage was like that and divorce was not an option (children, no job…) And then, Jeannette, you told me I had a choice. I could CHOOSE to stay if I wanted to but not because I had to, but because I chose to. At first, it didn’t hit me but then…Oh my God! I got it! And clarity came so fast, the anger was gone, the judgment, the pain. All of a sudden, I could look at my husband and this relationship with compassion and for the first time in my life, I felt free. And God, does it feel good! I was so calm, so peaceful, so clear, so sure and I made the decision to leave. The relief was incredible, even if at that time, I had no idea how I was going to do that. But that knowing…You just feel it in your gut when you make the right decision and when it’s time, when you’re ready. It was 3 months ago and my life since then is miraculous.I met Mr right. I had an incredible job offer, they even give me a car. What the Universe can do for you is unbelivable. It’s really like that metaphor of the genie. Once you find a way to align, it’s easy and fast. Folks, you always have choice, no matter what. Make the decision that is right for you even if it’s only in your head, even if you don’t change anything physically. Once, you know…your job is done and everything will unfold perfectly. Love u all! :)

  13. Gemstone3 on September 25, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    Jeannette:

    It’s uncanny how you always seem to post things that are surfacing in my thought process.

    I’ve spoken to you about the situation with my job briefly before, and you really helped me gain clarity. Unfortunately, I lost my way the last 2-3 weeks with all the stress that came my way– some good, some not so good– but something happened at the beginning of this week that made it all better for me. And it had to do with choices I was willing to entertain.

    My department has been in flux since my boss was let go in May. At that same time, a co-worker went on maternity leave. The timing was more or less perfect since the company didn’t know what to do with me, so I temporarily stepped into her position for the summer. (Even though my dream job is in another department within the company.) I did an amazing job, and everyone– including me– saw me in a new light! Then she came back, and things became really awkward really quickly.

    This past week (with all that crazy stuff going on in the astrological sky) we had a showdown (after I had a melt down). I chose to face my fears (which is so hard for me to do that it usually paralyzes me) and have it out with her. Once I heard her side (which my gut had been “telling” me about for the last six weeks), I was able to let it all go– even though nothing was resolved. Just knowing that her actions were all born out of fear made me feel better. What she thinks of me doesn’t hold weight. I choose not to entertain her thoughts (a first). And even though we didn’t talk about the white elephant in the room– the fact I do her job better than she does, and she doesn’t want me in the department– it was understood by both of us. It wasn’t about winning or losing. It was about self respect and self worth, and putting my needs first. Where in the past, I would have felt that I lost, I came away from this meeting feeling that I won. It was liberating.

    The next day I found perfect new roommates, and co-workers complimented me on all I’d accomplished in my temporary role. Once again, I became very hopeful about my future. I know the perfect job is waiting for me. I feel it in my bones, and this process made me realize once more that MY thoughts control my destiny. Valuable lessons for sure.

  14. Carol L on September 25, 2009 at 2:47 pm

    I had a revelation this week that by letting go of the things we are merely “tolerating” in our lives, we are playing a part in helping the Universe fulfill the dreams of others.

    For instance, I have owned five acres of wooded land for five years. When I bought it, my intention was to build on it, but I never did. Six days ago I finally decided to put it up for sale. Two days ago, a very excited young family showed up as the buyers. Unbeknownst to me, they have been looking for land in this area for a while so they could build their dream house. I realized a while ago that it isn’t what I really want any more, yet it is a dream come true for them. It has been an energy drain on me because I am paying taxes on it and have been (up until now) constantly procrastinating on making a decision of what to do with it.

    The same can be said of a job we don’t want, a spouse we don’t want, or any of the energy drains we have sitting around our houses. What we don’t want in our life is the fulfillment of a dream for someone else. By giving yourself permission to let go of the tolerations, you are not only freeing up the energy in your life, but you are giving the Universe resources to work with. How cool is that?

    That job you don’t want is someone else’s dream job. That significant other you don’t want is someone else’s dream man/woman. That white elephant that is sitting in the corner of your living room (the one that makes you cringe every time you look at it), is a treasure to someone else. These things are in someone else’s vibrational escrow . . . and they are lining up with them as you are releasing them.

    Even if it is a bit off topic, it was such a huge change in perspective for me that I wanted to share it . . .

  15. Good Vibe Coach on September 25, 2009 at 3:14 pm

    Thank you, Sonia, for showing us a powerful example of choice in action! Clarity, relief, knowing, miracles … that’s what we let in when we liberate ourselves by realizing we have options, isn’t it?

    And wow, Gemstone, for choosing not to entertain her thoughts! Easier said than done, I know. Your story will inspire many here, I’m sure. And we all know with this kind of mental mastery you’ve got great things in your immediate future.
    :)

    Carol, isn’t it great how it all fits together?! One woman’s toleration is another’s dream come true! ha ha

    Thanks for offering that perspective and making it that much easier for readers to find a better-feeling and more empowered approach to releasing their tolerations.

    You guys rock!

  16. sonia on September 25, 2009 at 3:15 pm

    “That job you don’t want is someone else’s dream job. That significant other you don’t want is someone else’s dream man/woman” Carol, that’s truly amazing, u put your finger on something big, here! It makes things even easier, now I feel even generous to leave mu husband! lol
    I love the new light that’s shining now on the things I don’t want anymore. Thank you!
    Namaste.

  17. sonia on September 25, 2009 at 3:40 pm

    “You are at a choice-point in every moment of each circumstance, each activity, spoken word and thought.” ~Michael Beckwith

  18. Good Vibe Coach on September 25, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    PS – great quote, Sonia!

    Thanks for sharing it here – I hadn’t heard it before.

  19. Charles on September 25, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    How can we deal with the guilt of making choices that seem to cause others grief/heartache?

  20. sonia on September 26, 2009 at 3:01 am

    Charles, just remember that each person creates her own life. You’re not responsible for other’s feelings or creations. Every time you think of the person that might get hurt by your choices, see her as happy and whole. See her in your imagination feeling great, realizing her own dreams. And feel good yourself, find thoughts that make you feel good. When you feel good, everything unfolds perfectly for you and all involved. Be truly happy and those around you will benefit from it even if now, it seems impossible.

  21. Good Vibe Coach on September 26, 2009 at 6:30 am

    Good question, Charles (I’m sure this is a big one for many others) and I LOVE Sonia’s response to it!

    You’re not in charge of how they feel. Period. We can’t make another happy, and we can’t make them sad (although they may not realize that themselves).

    I also love Sonia’s suggestion to see her as happy and whole. That will be using your energetic powers for GOOD. (Often we anticipate they’ll be crushed or upset, and that’s not the kind of energy that helps anyone.)

    I once had a client who was reluctant to leave her long time partner because of how devastated he would be. I asked her to imagine he would be fine instead. And he was so fine with it that it took her (ego) by surprise.

    There’s a key to another answer in the way you worded your question as well, Charles. “… choices that SEEM TO cause others grief …”

    Things are not always what they seem. :)

  22. Erik on September 26, 2009 at 6:34 am

    I have a simple question: how do we find the tolerations if we have lived with them for so long that they have become second nature? I figure my vibe is hampered by tolerations but I am hardly able to figure them out. Any general advice on how to figure them out?

    @Charles: I guess it is inevitable that your decisions sometimes hurt somebody else. The point is, if you are living without deciding for the next few years, you will be unhappy and the other party will be happy. Where’s the fairness in that? Apart from that, with you being unhappy, there is a good chance that this unhappiness spreads to other people also.
    For me this question is a bit like deciding if we stay together with somebody or not. I have to very very thouroughly ask myself if there is a realistic chance, that I will be happy again in this situation (be it a partnership or job etc.). If the answer is no, then I would leave. You have a right to be happy and so does the other party. They deserve someone who is happy with them as a colleague, spouse etc. –

    What I am trying to say is: if you did a lot of feeling, intuiting, thinking about all possible solutions and the only solution is one that hurts another person (like getting a divorce or quitting a job) but without this decision you will be chronically unhappy, where is the sense in staying chronically unhappy for you *and* for others?

    Just my 2 cents ;)

  23. Anna on September 26, 2009 at 1:27 pm

    I discovered an amazing world of opportunities, joys and realities once I realized that I actually had options. I abhor being told I “have” to do something (typically Aquarian) which makes the thing I’m doing somehow difficult and unpleasant.
    Yet take the same “thing” and if it’s not expected of me, I can always find joy somewhere – something about knowing it’s not a “have-to” that I indeed have choice, makes everything easier… whether I have to do it or not (she adds with a grin).

    Choice. I LOVE choice!

    Janette: YAY for you!!! And ultimately, everyone around you – because as you start living this life for You, your dreams and desires, you will also be giving the “others” a most perfect opportunity to face their own dreams and desires. You Go, Girl!

    Charles: You are not responsible for anyone else’s happiness any more than they are responsible for yours. Put another way, you are only responsible for someone else’s happiness to the degree that you hold them responsible for yours.

    Happy Day, ALL!
    Anna

  24. Good Vibe Coach on September 26, 2009 at 3:30 pm

    Another good question, Erik. I think the answer is in becoming more sensitive to our emotional guidance system. When we develop a stronger awareness about how we’re feeling, we can’t miss them.

    There is also the answer of getting another trustworthy person’s objective, too. They can see things much more clearly than we can, sometimes.

    PS – great 2 cents for Charles, in that if we’re not happy, what are we really accomplishing? Who would really be happy having a partner that wasn’t?

    Anna, I am loving your vibe. Do we already know each other?

  25. Theresa Robbins on September 26, 2009 at 3:43 pm

    You all have the most fabulous comments! I am really enjoying them.

    Charles, I believe that by doing what is right for you results in the best for the people around you. It may not always seem like it, especially at first, but eventually something good flows from something that looked pretty bad at the beginning. If you let someone go, you are in essence not only freeing yourself to be happier, but you are also freeing them by enabling them to get on with creating the life they really want. For example, if you are in an intimate relationship with someone that you don’t truly love, you may be holding them back from finding their true love. By staying in the relationship, you both prevent yourselves from being with the person you truly love and deserve. Does that make any sense? Do you absolutely know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you would be doing this other person a disservice in the long run by doing what your heart desires?

    Your guilt stems from your perception that you can cause a certain feeling in someone else. I say only they can cause those feelings of heartache. I absolutely agree that you cannot be responsible for anyone else’s feelings. Feelings flow from our thoughts and you cannot control anyone else’s thoughts. We each have the right and ability to think and feel for ourselves. Does that mean we go out and intentionally do things to try to hurt others? No, it just means that by acting in alignment with our feelings, we are being true to ourselves.

  26. Carol L on September 26, 2009 at 5:33 pm

    @Erik: My overly simplified test to see if something is a toleration is to look at it and ask myself, “Does this truly add value to my life?” By looking at personal belongings, club memberships, people, magazine subscriptions, etc. and asking myself this question, it has helped me whittle down the unimportant stuff so I am spending my time and energy on the stuff that really matters.

  27. Erik on September 27, 2009 at 7:48 am

    @Carol: this is a good idea and I guess I will find quite some tolerations there. I think those tolerations are partly in my attitude which is a bit harder to detect and change but I sure will :)

  28. Charles on September 27, 2009 at 9:55 am

    Everyone -

    Thanks for the responses. Now to just feel the fear and the guilt and the choices and know it’s all okay.

  29. Good Vibe Coach on September 27, 2009 at 10:16 am

    Wow, Theresa, thanks for adding to the fabulous comments!

    I totally agree that doing what’s best for ourselves is also what’s best for everyone else, because we’re all connected.

    Great test, Carol! I’ll be using that one as well!

    And Charles, how brilliant are YOU?! Knowing that letting yourself feel those feelings is a key part of the process!! (If you were one of my former clients, I would take great pride right now.) hee hee

  30. Melissa on September 27, 2009 at 7:03 pm

    I tolerate going to a job I really dislike because I don’t see any other opportunity to earn the salary I’m earning now. I go every day because I have bills to pay and I am saving for a home of my own (one day). But every day I dread going into work. The atmosphere is depressing and lacking any positive energy. I would love to quit and work on growing my business, but then I wouldn’t have an income to support my business or myself. So, how do I let go of this job when I need it, but can’t stand it? I know I choose to go to work every day, but if I chose to leave it and stay home, I’m not sure I could quickly find another job. The job/career thing has been a struggle for me for many years. I need it to change.

  31. Anonymous on September 27, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    I would like to also offer my appreciation for the comment Carol made about the spouse/significant other you no longer want being someone else’s dream man/woman. It immediately offered me an immense feeling of relief regarding my recent breakup that I thought I was totally ok with! What a beautiful gift, and you thought your comment was off topic, I’m so glad you followed the impulse to offer it anyway!

    Jeannette, when I read the ezine article, I was really moved. I have found myself, since reading it, looking at everything around me with new eyes. Thanks for this followup.

  32. Amy on September 27, 2009 at 7:07 pm

    Oops, new computer. I’m not anonymous, I’m Amy, in the last post. :)

  33. James Oh on September 27, 2009 at 8:55 pm

    Thought it is my very first time reading your article, yet I find it very inspiring and motivating. No wonder that I can find nothing which I can’t agree with. Perhaps it is due to our same minded and belief.

    I am a firm believer that life is the sum of our choices. we have to accountable to ourselves for what are today. However, blaming others is become the phenomenal of today world. So, it is up to individual to make the change before he can change the whole world.

    Ironically, lots of people still don’t see that way. They still want to follow the crowd yet expect different result from the crowd.

    To achieve success, you need to take courage to be different i.e. different from the ordinarily path. How can you expect ordinarily way to produce extraordinarily result?

  34. Linda Davis on September 28, 2009 at 12:55 am

    What an inspirational read, thank you. :) Sometimes we are afraid to make choices because we are afraid of changes. We settle on a routine that works for us even if we’re not happy with it. So when we’re faced with other choices, we retreat safely back to our “routine” for fear of not knowing what’s in store for us if we choose other.

    I say, go for it! We have freedom of choice to live our lives the way we want it (responsibly, of course).

  35. sonia on September 28, 2009 at 1:54 am

    @ Melissa
    Don’t quit your job if your thoughts are “I won’t find another one” cos you won’t. You have to FEEL it’s right. But you still have a choice: in your thoughts. You can tell yourself “for now, it’s safer to stay where I am. Bills get paid. I’m lucky to have a job at least”. And then, try to focus on the positive aspects of it. May be you like one person, may be it’s the coffee time, what you see from the window, whatever. And if you really can’t find anything pleasing, just play it differently in your mind. Imagine whenever you feel like it, at night, in the morning, in the shower, imagine what it would be like to have a job you love, to wake up every morning eager to start a new day and they almost have to kick you out at the end of the day :) Imagination is a powerful tool and you have plenty of it. It will change your feelings and little by little your circumstances. the first choice you make is always in your thoughts and your thoughts are free. Hope I could help.

  36. Michael on September 28, 2009 at 10:47 am

    This ‘choice’ topic is one I keep cycling back to, and ‘tolerations’ are an issue I’ve had to look at and be reminded about again and again.

    I was just refreshing myself on ‘letting go of need’ in the face of ‘not enough work/money’ when I read this. I realized that even in the face of a ton of perceived stress over the last few months, I can choose how I will respond in the now.

    And, as challenging as that can be, the now is everything.

    With rent due and general exhaustion from searching for jobs again, I came back to ‘what would feel just a bit better’ and chose that. (So I’m laying on the couch writing this and doing a bit of EFT, which feels liberating).

    And, like Susan said above, that moves me a bit up the scale…in range of another good choice which can move me even further up.

    I guess I would like to be in a place where I feel like there are less life tolerations in general. In a lot of ways, I have and am building relationships that work better for me, demanding–as best I can–the things I want out of work and love and life…but I’ve had a 2009 with severe events that I couldn’t control. And while I realize it’s my choice to feel better about those or not, some of that perceived stress of losing a family member, then a job, then moving, and just being generally thrashed from it all and now my stomach is really acting p….it is just now catching up to me, and it occurs as ‘really hard’ to *choose* feeling good.

    I’m doing it, but it seems much tougher as some of the impact just now hits. Of course, now that I write about it, the logic of LOA tells me that I don’t have to make *hard* choices to feel good…just little ones, and that can make a difference.

    Maybe I just answered part of my own kinda rambling question. :) Really appreciate the posts that people have offered. There are some great insights around work, relationships and other facets of life that really help flesh out the topic!

    m|p

  37. Emiko Jaffe on September 28, 2009 at 12:03 pm

    Another great post. Love it! For me childcare is a toleration–love my children, loathe caregiving . . . (so this post so resonated!) and when I reviewed my choices I realized that I don’t “have to” care give, but I “want to” or “get to” care give to the extent it doesn’t drive me nuts (then I call in reinforcement! ha!). The option of not caring for my children is not an attractive choice. When I realize that I don’t have to soldier through it, either, that I can call on help (nannies, their father, my parents, friends) I also get rid of the dichotomous, all or nothing thinking, too. Such freedom!

    @ Charles I love what Sonia and Anna have said, I just wanted to add that guilt is just arguing with the past and as Byron Katie says, you will lose this argument only 100% of the time. The past is perfect. As for others, you have absolutely no control over how someone is going to react or respond to your words and actions, that is so completely their responsibility as Sonia and Anna pointed out. By taking care of you first, you are ultimately taking responsibility for your part of the relationship. That’s all anyone needs to do and it works!

    @ Erik I agree with Carol, fabulous place to start! I also check in with how my body feels when I think of a suspected toleration. When something doesn’t work for me I get a tightness in my solar plexus or chest. When something does work for me I feel light and free. See if you discover a physical sensation when you go over your list of toleration suspects (try thinking about the stuff you know you really like first, then think about the stuff you really can’t stand next–notice how each feels and then see where your toleration suspect list of items fall on that “scale”)

  38. Micah on October 1, 2009 at 1:13 am

    Great post! This is very helpful. I’m sure I’d visit your site more often. Anyway, you can drop by my favorite online hang out too, at UK Student Community. Thanks!

  39. Berta Bauer, Lighthouse Coaching and Retreats on October 4, 2009 at 7:24 am

    I am very late coming to this post and want to thank Jeannette for it, and all the others who responded for helping me get clear with a choice that I have been continually making. By making this choice to stay stuck I’ve successfully resisted facing the uncertainty of change. I also have successfully stayed stuck to what I’m tolerating.

    Just yesterday the topic emerged again and I said some of the exact words that you all have spoken. Most poignantly I discovered that when someone blames you for something, they are abdicating their power and putting you in their driver’s seat. They are not happy and neither are you.

    It is funny how we can easily see what other people tolerate, but loose our objectivity in our own life. (Or maybe we don’t trust our objectivity to take our right action out of FEAR.) And fear is not a pretty place to live.

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