Q&A: How to Manifest ‘Him or Someone Better’?

November 10, 2009 | 49 Comments »

QAToday’s question comes from a reader we’ll call Kiki.  Her question to the Good Vibe Community is about how to best manifest what you specifically want while still being open to other possibilities.

Here it is in her words:

Is it possible to be open to more than one outcome and still get what you want?

For example, Kiki is in love with Juan but is trying to allow the Universe to bring back that love or something better .  She really wants Juan but is willing for the Universe to show her Someone Better if he (Juan) is just not on the same wavelength as her.

How does she do it?

I know more than one person in this same situation, so I suspect this is a question many will appreciate being posted (and answered).

What are your thoughts?

* * * * * * * *
Jeannette Maw is the LOA party host at GVU and publisher of the rave reviewed Good Vibe newsletter, which you can subscribe to here.

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49 Responses to “ Q&A: How to Manifest ‘Him or Someone Better’? ”

  1. LivingtheLOA on November 10, 2009 at 11:02 am

    I was in Kiki’s shoes 2.5 yrs ago – in a relationship that was good, but didn’t set me on fire or make me especially joyful or happy either. I was afraid to end things for a long time because I didn’t really believe ‘great’ was possible. After discovering The Secret (and shortly thereafter TUT and Abraham), I decided to take the leap and we parted ways as friends. It was hard letting go, even though i told myself a reconciliation was an option (all things are possible and sometimes time apart makes the heart grow fonder). Still, I shifted my focus away from him to the end result that I wanted (i.e. a happy, healthy, passionate, fun and supportive relationship). I wrote lists of what my ‘dream guy’ was like, down to really minute details. I included all the things i wanted in and from that person and then I visualized doing all sorts of fun things with him and I made plans and decisions as if he was already with me. Less than 6 weeks later I was asked at the last minute (a fill-in – thank you universe!) to participate in a wedding that Mr. Perfect was also in (we’d never met, although we’d heard of each other) and we have been inseparable ever since. He fits every criteria on my list and I am happier with him than with anyone I’ve ever known. Of course, I had pretty serious limiting beliefs and attracted a LOT of frogs before discovering the LOA. LOL!! Still, I am living proof the LOA works!

    So my advice? Let go of the how and the who (as difficult as that may sound or seem). Focus solely on the end result, KNOW it’s coming, “act as if” it’s already yours, then get out of the way and let the Universe do its work. It really can be that easy….if you believe it is.

  2. Good Vibe Coach on November 10, 2009 at 11:10 am

    I got goose bumps reading your story, LivingtheLOA!

    What seems particularly key to me was how you cleared your plate by releasing what wasn’t perfect.

    I think it can be challenging to let someone fabulous in while we’re hanging out with someone who is 50% fabulous – unless we’re REALLY good at focusing on the fabulous parts.

    Thanks for starting our conversation here, my friend!

  3. Brigitte on November 10, 2009 at 11:14 am

    I don’t have an answer for that, but… I do have another question.

    Doesn’t the “or someone better” imply that you *think* it is possible that the relationship will not work? In other words, by saying “or someone better”, are we unconsciously expecting a failure?

    It’s an interesting topic. I’d like to get an answer to both her and my question. Thank you in advance.

  4. Good Vibe Coach on November 10, 2009 at 11:35 am

    Brigitte, you are becoming known as someone who offers a keenly insightful perspective to these dialogues!

    Thank you for that!

    This question of yours actually probably deserves its own post, actually. I am really fascinated with the answers that are coming to mind!!

    Well, after dwelling on it for a few minutes, it strikes me that Universe has often surprised me with how good things can be. So while I might see this particular thing/outcome/person as ideal, I like the thought of being open to Universe that it might get even better than my limited imagination can conceive.

    From that perspective, I can entertain the “or something better” thought that doesn’t feel like I’m setting this other thing up for failure.

    And having said that, I suspect there’s a lot more to be revealed in the question you’re asking.

    I’ll be giving it more thought, can’t wait to read others’ answers, and don’t be surprised to see this as a post of its own later this year.

    Thanks, Brigitte! :)

  5. Shauna @ BreathingProsperity.com on November 10, 2009 at 11:36 am

    This is always an interesting topic. Existing relationships contain dynamics that have been co-created over time and can be difficult to change. The way we relate to someone – the web of assumptions, resentments, perspectives – all form our relationship with them, and it goes both ways. So yes to Brigitte, it is true that we have to be willing to consider the possibility of our current or past love NOT being the answer…but then again, IS there such a thing as a perfect mate? Aren’t we all just people who can and do come together to help each other grow (or not)?

    While I think it’s possible to reconcile with a loved one and/or to change ourselves enough to transform the relationship, I’m not sure it’s the best option. I have done this with my own relationship but still feel that maybe I should follow in the initial poster’s footsteps (the questions plague me: Is this enough? Do I want/deserve more than this [YES]? How can I create it so that it’s better? Is that even possible with this particular person?) We are complex beings and any unfinished business that caused you to have difficulty with a particular person must be worked through, really deeply, or it will remain…if you move on, you will carry it with you into your next relationship unless your own ways of being are examined.

    Thanks, Jeannette! This is difficult and close-to-the-heart subject for me, at least the first poster’s answer is…I am afraid that hers is the scenario I ‘see’ in my mind’s eye when I look deeply at my own relationship…then again there are days when I feel so in control and grateful I am certain that my existing relationship is the perfect mirror and tool for my own growth and his. Argh.

  6. Good Vibe Coach on November 10, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    Shauna, it was exactly that thought that was tripping me up as I considered the prior question. (That the “perfect” mate IS the one we’re with. Until we’re not. And then someone/something else is perfect.)

    And just like you said here: “I am certain that my existing relationship is the perfect mirror and tool for my own growth and his. Argh.”

    … that’s the thing, huh? Since the outside is just a reflection of the inside, maybe our best work when we’re with someone who doesn’t seem “ideal” is to work on ourselves.

    I have to say, the three plus years I’ve been with Russ I’ve learned a lot more about myself then when I was changing men out left and right before that. (Fun as that may have been at the time.)

    This is a big question, isn’t it?

    Thanks for sharing such thoughtful wisdom with us, Shauna. I’m sure this discussion will continue to evolve, but we’re off to a “deep” start already thanks to our early responders!

  7. The Dating Dr. on November 10, 2009 at 12:13 pm

    Excellent question and often a tough emotional space to stay positive in.

    What I’ve found helpful is this:

    Keep your focus always on how you want it to feel with this person: see it, feel it, allow it as much as possible.

    Keep *stepping away* from how their current behavior triggers your regular emotional response- and step back into how you want to feel around them.

    Keep resetting into that positive feeling, all the while knowing that one of 2 things will happen:

    1) Either your beau will rise up to meet your higher vibration

    or

    2) They won’t and thus they will fade away and allow someone else to show up who CAN greet your vibration with an equal one.

    Either way, you win!

  8. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Jeannette Maw, Allison. Allison said: RT @TheDatingDr @GoodVibeCoach I added my 2 cents to how to manifest love when… http://bit.ly/39AkTJ Good one! [...]

  9. Good Vibe Coach on November 10, 2009 at 1:24 pm

    You know, Dr. Jenn, that might sound like a difficult process that you describe, but it’s exactly what I did with my crackhead neighbor, isn’t it?

    Had that been a relationship I could dump I would have done it in a heartbeat. But since I didn’t want to move and he wasn’t going anywhere, I was “forced” to learn to focus on what I want right while I was getting the exact opposite behavior/results from him.

    With some perseverence and commitment to the vibe I experienced the first outcome you described (he rose to the occasion) – which I would have SWORN impossible to happen.

    Just shows how limited I was in my thinking.

    And what I learned from that?! How I grew as a creator?! I would never give that opportunity up, knowing what I know now.

    This is really interesting to me to realize, because my first suggestion to clients is to dump the guy that’s not perfect. I tell them that makes our work much easier to let someone better in.

    Wow.

    Thanks for pitching in, Dr. Jenn! I am a HUGE fan of your work!

  10. SameBoat on November 10, 2009 at 1:26 pm

    I am in the same exact situation as Kiki, and my previous relationship has already ended (we loosely stay in touch). I **think** that there might be some assumptions in the previous posts that Kiki’s relationship with Juan was not “all that” or was “good” but not “great”. However, reading the little bit that she wrote, she actually says that she IS IN love with Juan and wants HIM to be the one but wants to be open to others.

    My relationship with my ex- was wonderful and it was external issues that prevented him from being ready for a long term relationship. Do I hope that he finds his way back to me? You betcha! Therefore, my mantra is firmly “him (with no external issues) OR better”. “Better” to me does not mean he was “less than” but acknowledges no human being is perfect and the “or better” really just means all that I want (which my ex was …I manifested him, as he met all but 1 of the criteria [lol he failed the "ready for a long term relationship"] I wrote on a list about 6 months before meeting him) AND ready NOW for a committed, long-term relationship. SO… how do I do it?

    1) I love him so much that I want what is best for him and our being together (at least for now) apparently is not.
    2) I thank the Universe for my having met him and all that I learned and have taken away from that amazing relationship. I will always have those gifts, and therefore, I can (or try to when I miss him ;) ) release him.
    3) I love me enough that I want what is best for me, TOO, and I AM ready (super ripe :) ) now for that committed-leading-to-marriage-married-w/kids relationship.
    4) I have absolute faith that the Universe is going to deliver THE best guy/hubby for me, and if that is my ex, then et voila! If it is NOT him, then it’s ok, too, b/c the one who is “the one” IS “the one”! Somewhat tautological, but it’s what gets me over the hump. I think about all the wonderful times I had with my ex and capture that love feeling and place it (that love feeling in general; not the love specifically with my ex) on a figure with no face (although he DOES have floppy brown hair …:) ) that represents MY guy. Feeling that love with My Guy makes me feel good and TRUSTING the U takes my focus off of my ex- to be open for him or better.

    I have a question for LivingTheLOA: You wrote “I made plans and decisions as if he was already with me.” Would you be willing to give some specific examples? I’ve heard of doing this (so as to imagine he is ALREADY here), but I can’t get my head wrapped around what kinds of things to do/decisions to make for that bit. All I do is visualize him here and there (i.e.,all mental/emotional) but I don’t actually change what I do vis-a-vis my actions (i.e., physical). Thank you!

  11. Good Vibe Coach on November 10, 2009 at 1:31 pm

    @kelsea53083 shared this response via twitter that I wanted to post here as well:

    “We know about 500 to a 1000 people, the universe knows 8 billion ish- manifest the feeling of love, surrender and trust.” @kelsea53083

    Also, this from Neil Stolmaker on facebook:

    “I wonder if this is something that even needs to concern us. The universe will provide us the “intent” of what we desire. I think that we always receive “this or something better.” I focus on the feeling state of what I want because I have learned that if I focus on one specific thing (which I may have some doubt whether I can achieve) my energy is mixed. Focusing more generally and visualizing the feeling outcome works much better for me.” Neil Stolmaker

    Thanks for chiming in, you two!

  12. Good Vibe Coach on November 10, 2009 at 1:48 pm

    Well, SameBoat, does that make him a Close But Not Quite?

    http://goodvibeblog.com/2009/05/settle-or-hold-out-when-the-manifestation-is-close-but-not-quite/

    Here’s what I know: On my list of perfect guy traits is that he is present and accounted for, totally into me, ready to invest fabulous energy into our relationship. If that’s not happening, he’s outta here. I’m not going to let him cloud my vibration.

    And that feels like that answer contradicts what I was getting at before, so this may be a good post to ignore me on. ha

  13. SameBoat on November 10, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    LOL … you are right, Jeannette, and thanks for that link repost. He IS a “close but not quite” at THIS time (as he WAS (is :) ) totally into me and was ready to invest fabulous energy into our relationship for most of it). I guess the issue is one of “timing” versus one of “personalities”, as we were in sync mentally, emotionally and physically. However, my belief about relationships that work has always been “It takes the right person AT the right time” and I do agree with you – if those external factors took precedence, then maybe HE wasn’t “the right one” ever, so I am perhaps contradicting myself, too ;-).

    I think my point is that (for me) until My Guy actually manifests physically in my reality, that between now and then, there is a chance (as in, I’m not limiting the possibilities) that my ex- could become “ready” just as much as someone else and therefore he COULD be “My Guy”. I am “open” to his coming back but not focusing on him… I would be happy with him (ready) or better, however the Universe wants to dish him up.

  14. Good Vibe Coach on November 10, 2009 at 2:05 pm

    I have to be honest with you, SameBoat … I halfway expected LivingtheLOA’s story to be that she attracted her ex-beau back in as Mr. Perfect!

    So I totally believe that’s possible (in fact, I have a client experiencing that very thing as we speak!)

    .. AND I also know it works best when we don’t have any attachment to it. Meaning we’re OPEN to other possibilities. Maybe even not just open, but looking forward to other possibilities. (For good measure.)

  15. Mitch on November 10, 2009 at 2:11 pm

    Jeannette, you hit the nail on the head for me in your earlier response regarding “this or something better.” When I was reading my first, and still my favorite, book on LOA, Creative Visualization, I learned to say “this or something better now manifests for me” at the end of all of my daydreams. It’s not setting yourself up for failure. It’s just recognizing that the Universe has a broader perspective than we do. Kind of like if I ask for $1000 but the Universe has a way to offer me $10,000 instead! I want to be open and ready for that, right?

    It’s a little different in relationships because we get attached to certain people. But you may not really want that particular person as much as you want the way that person makes you feel. I think it’s that way with everything we want to manifest. And that may sound a little cold to someone who is madly in love, and I can understand that. But if you can see it from that perspective, (be more concerned with the way he makes you feel than you are with who “he” is!) then you can be open to your old flame AND to anything better the Universe might send your way.

  16. Good Vibe Coach on November 10, 2009 at 2:25 pm

    And thank YOU, Mitch, for reminding us the whole point of all this manifesting stuff, anyway. Which is how we FEEL, not what we GET.

    The other day I looked up blog stats before shutting off the computer for the night, and realized I hit my goal of 1,000 hits a day. I wasn’t that excited, though, and I looked at my original intention list to see if that was really it. It was. Goal accomplished. Supposedly.

    So why wasn’t I more excited?

    I realized it was because it wasn’t a stupid thousand hits a day I wanted, it was a feeling. Way to miss the mark, Jeannette!

    Again.

    ha ha

    (I LOVE that about me! That after all this time I can still fall for that old trick!!!! rofl)

    What I WANT, for the record, is the feeling of satisfaction of delivering high value material to fellow creators who are appreciative of, entertained by, and grow from it; the feeling of connection with fellow creators that remind us we’re not alone – we’re in this TOGETHER!; the feeling of acknowledgement that this blog is drawing some high vibing traffic!; the feeling of wise investment that I put so much time and thought and love into this space.

    That’s what I want.

    And sheesh, let’s face it – I had that a long time ago.

    Have I told you lately how much I love you, Mitch?! ;)

  17. Gemstone3 on November 10, 2009 at 2:46 pm

    Thanks for posting this Jeannette! This subject has tripped me up, because it seems people have different perceptions of what works.

    My question is somewhat varied off of Kiki’s. I am extremely attracted to a man who lives in my neighborhood. We have some mutual friends. I don’t know if he’s “the one”, but I’d like to at least get to know him! I read in Mike Dooley’s book that if I just focus on him, I’m cutting off so many possibilities, and he won’t totally come into my life. Where I guess I’m getting confused is if I write down my perfect guy– who so far strongly resemble the man I’m attracted to, and visualize his face/being– am I doing something wrong?

    *Also, how do I get my piccie in my post?

  18. Jackie on November 10, 2009 at 2:53 pm

    I agree that focusing on what you really want in a relationship rather than on having that relationship with a specific person is the way to go. Be very specific when you make your ‘list’. Don’t leave anything out by just assuming that it will be included by the Universe.

  19. Susan on November 10, 2009 at 4:05 pm

    I’d like to chip in here too. I’m in the same situation (would love to be back with my ex) I totally believe this is possible as I believe we can be,do or have whatever we want. After all I manifested him into my life in the first place, I can do it again.
    My problems come when I try any manifesting techniques around this subject. I think that without realising it I vibrate in two different places. On the one hand I’m visualising him back with me but at the same time this is bringing into my vibration the fact that he’s not here yet. I’ve really struggled with this issue. Now I’m going in a different direction. I’m trying not to think of him at all. The universe knows what I want, I don’t have to visualise, affirm or anything else for him to come. All I have to do is be aware of my vibrations, and I mean really aware. I stop myself many times throughout the day and ask myself if I’m aware of what I’m vibrating. With a little practice you do know what you’re doing with your vibrations. I’m making the most of where I am now and enjoying everything that I can and leaving the rest up to the universe. That’s all we really need to do. By not thinking of him I can’t offer any resistance about him. Since I’ve started doing this I feel much, much better so no matter what comes along I’m enjoying the journey.
    Susan

  20. LivingtheLOA on November 10, 2009 at 4:52 pm

    Sameboat – I’d be happy to share how I ‘acted as if”. Having lived with only my children for a long time (my ex and I always stayed at his place), I made room in my home for “Mr. Right”. I left work earlier because I knew I would want to rush home to see him. I made sure there was enough food for an extra person when I cooked. I made plans as if I had someone else’s schedule to work around (no early mornings or late nights). I RSVP’d for 2 ppl for future events. I bought materials for a household project that required more skill than I possessed – because I knew my Mr. Right was handy around the house! Certain nights of the week, I even chose tv viewing based on what I was sure my dream guy would like. Interestingly, all the things I did fit my current boyfriend’s personality and interests perfectly!

    As for whether my ex could have been Mr. Right if I’d “worked” at it or intended it strongly enough? Maybe. I think you CAN use the LOA to bend the will of others, but I don’t think it’s the easiest or best approach (def upstream!) to manifesting what you really want (Jeannette did a post on this!). I left it up to the Universe to open my ex’s eyes to my needs and bring him back to me in vibrational alignment with what I wanted or to bring me those things in another form. I didn’t make it my ‘work’ and I didn’t let myself get so hung up on missing my ex that I stood in the way of what was ‘best’. I kept reminding myself that I had been in love many times and each time I was sure I would never feel the same about someone new. And yet I did. And often it was even better. Even the best relationship you’ve ever had can be topped if you believe it can! Hanging onto that thought helped me keep my focus and stay true to my goal. If only ALL manifesting were that easy!

  21. Janette on November 10, 2009 at 5:15 pm

    Many years ago I fell, hard, for Mr Right. We dated for a while, broke up, became best buddies and even shared a house (though not a bed). I was crazy desperate ‘in love’. Him, not so much. Even back then, way pre-LOA in my life, I knew being clingy and desperate wasn’t a good way to be, and that I needed to break away if I was to find true love.

    I left town, moved states. He followed me. We became best buds again. Only this time, he finally figured out he was gay. (Way to choose the wrong guy, Janette – LOL!!!)

    That still didn’t stop the crazies. My mind knew it was a waste of my time and energy, but my heart would not listen. I still wanted him.

    You can imagine what my vibe was like by now. Despair, depression, self-loathing (OMG I turned him gay…), even vague notions of suicide (then he’ll be sorry…). *headdesk*

    Until one day I woke up feeling really really p**ed off. It felt GREAT. So I revelled in it, for probably a week or two. It got me over the line – I was finally able to let go of that relationship and move on.

    Some time later, we genuinely became best buds, and even lived and worked together again several times over the next 20 years. I married (sadly mr-still-not-quite-right, but that’s another story…) and these days I live with the bestest man in the world (sorry everyone else, I got him, LOL!)

    In hindsight I now recognise that I needed to move bit by bit up the scale of emotions, as Abraham would say. I tried to push myself from despair into either happiness or feeling numb – neither was an option. For me, in that addictive energy, it was only rage that helped me break free.

    I wouldn’t recommend it as an automatic solution to the love blues (!!) but if that’s what it takes, so be it.

  22. uberVU - social comments on November 10, 2009 at 5:36 pm

    Social comments and analytics for this post…

    This post was mentioned on Twitter by GoodVibeCoach: Who has tips on how to manifest love when you’ve got one particular person on the brain? http://bit.ly/39AkTJ

  23. Beatriz on November 10, 2009 at 6:58 pm

    Hi! it is the first time that I write here, even I have been reading the blog for the past two months with great interest. I am living a situation quite like Kiki’s. I had a great thing going on 3 months ago and it was over. Thanks to that break up I discovered the LOA and started working on it. At the beginning all I was trying to do was to have that relationship back. I tried really hard and I even had a week miracle (as someone in a web page I don’t remember called) and we started talking again and sort of reconnecting. Then I realized that even if I really love this guy, it took too much energy from me to specifically attract him and it was not really working for me. At that point I started focusing on the qualities that I want from a guy and how I want my relationship to be. I wrote my list and I am doing my own pray rain journal, always having in mind that the Universe already gave me that person I am now in love with.

    From time to time I still miss my ex and I try , but even sometimes I can’t do it, to focus on the good things that I felt during that relationship and not on him specifically (even tough one of the things in my list is deep blue eyes, just like his…). Maybe wanting him back or better is not bad, as long as you feel in the right place with it.

  24. The Dating Dr. on November 10, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    Thanks for the reminder of the story of your crackhead neighbor!! You are so right- it is not easy in the moment to keep refocusing on how you want to feel- but like you said- the lesson you learn is PRICELESS: That you get to control your experience every single moment!!

    And when you can do THAT- then you have mastered the secret to joy and manifestation, right?!

    BTW- sometimes it IS easier to dump the jerk of a boyfriend!!! ;) I still believe it’s better to buy a car that has all of the features you need, rather than some old, broken down one that doesn’t and try to fix it!

    But either way the vibration has to get cleaned up and the outcome should be the same (you get the love you deserve!).

    Awesomely, I get to be a HUGE fan of your work too!!! You rock!

  25. Dan on November 10, 2009 at 9:13 pm

    This post hits home for me big time. I went through all of it. I tried relationship rescues 3 different times and still ended in the same place, neither of us happy, but I still wanted to work it out. I put an ultimatum on the table with my detailed list of what I wanted my relationship and mate to be. I took a tip from Anthony Robbins and did over 4 pages of detail(he did 12). I knew what I wanted and this time didn’t want to settle. It took her 4+ months to decide not to continue. Heartbreak! We split and I never looked at my list again. I knew what I wanted. 6 months later, I was connected with 3 ladies who were all long distance and as I continued communicating eventually weeded out to the one I am now married to. We both did ticky checky on our lists once the relationship got to a certain point. I said *this or something better* when I made my list. I meditated to have peace of mind with myself and never used affirmations or focused on who, how or when, just the *what*. I moved to and lived alone in a very rural area accessible in winter by foot or snowmachine and for the first time in my life I was pleased to be by myself and once that happened, Mrs Right came into my life. I could write a book on this one and may well do so in the future.

    I believe a clean break is key b/c otherwise you still have a resistance factor. Clarity, take your time and detail every aspect of what you want from the front door to the back and even how that relationship culminates with family and friends. Get serious about what you want before connecting with anyone and you will be able to know up front as you begin to connect whether it will be worth pursuing or stay friends.

    There is much great info here and love!

    All the best Kiki!

    Dan

  26. kiki on November 11, 2009 at 1:36 am

    hi everyone

    Thanks for all of this. I have not managed to read each response as I’m reading on my phone but will return later when I am near a computer.

    I appeciate your advice and perspectives. Sameboat, as you noticed, I am IN love with Juan. And nothing makes me feel better to think of him and what I love about him and how wonderful it would be being with him again.

    But, we are not together. And like with your situation, it is external circumstances. I know in my heart he loves me back. And, unfortunately, on the flip side of the coin nothing makes me feel worse than to think of us not being together and to keep noticing that we’re not. And also, that for all intents and purposes he seems to have pushed me away and decided against what he really wants.

    Please know that I am 100% sincere about wanting to release this and be unattached. But try as I might whether it be through EFT or anything else, I can’t shake my love for him. He is always there is my heart and while I can often focus on the good side of that, there are times when the pain and heartbreak of not being with him, the man I love, almost floors me. Once, I nearly passed out from the pain.

    I don’t want to cling here but trying to forget him doesn’t work for me. Deep down I believe we can be together and that he also wants this and I am finding it hard to shake that thinking.

    I wish I would already because besides the deep and beautiful love I feel for him and the AMAZING out of this world better than anything ever imaginable connection that we have when he allows us to be together (he does, off and on. Keeps on coming back) this whole thing has really hurt and exhausted to me for nearly two years now to the point where I am feeling like leaving earth would be less frustrating than working through this. Right now my dominant feeling is a mix of frustration and pessimism but it has come up from despair. And at times, usually when I am focussed on the good things/memories/feelings has rocketed into joy.

    I don’t know how to cope anymore. I really love Juan and I know we can be together. And I know that deep down he feel the same way. And as far as I’m concerned all the lists and logic in the world don’t matter. But at the same time I am miserable without him and frustrated at myself for having manifested this, and for still struggling with it like everthing else in my life two years later, and for knowing so much about LOA but just totally unable to release whatever it is (I’ve been using EFT and a variety of other manifesting or clearing techniques consistently) in order to manifest something, anthing, but especially this or love that I can live with. I say “something better” but I don’t know how to believe there is. And I don’t know how to forget him or let him go because I’ve been trying.

    I’m sorry. I just don’t know where to go from here.I love him and now I wish I didn’t. I am so frustrated with what I am manifesting and I can’t seem to flip the switch with this or anything else. And most of the people I ask for help criticise me for my feelings when I am already critical of myself for this all because the most frustrating thing of all in this is that according to the law of attraction – it’s not him, it’s me!

    Help. Its all I can say.and thank you, I will come back and read all these responses as soon as I can. I so appeciate you all for giving of your time and talent. I hope it gets through to me.

    Much love and thanks,
    Kiki

  27. LivingtheLOA on November 11, 2009 at 8:40 am

    Oh, Kiki! My heart goes out to you. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but one day you will look back on this and wonder how you could have felt so low. Hopefully you will see it as a learning experience and a turning point in your life (you are only going uphill from here!!!). There IS someone GREAT out there for you and it CAN get even better than what you feel with Juan. You need to stop beating yourself up and give yourself time to mourn what has ended and work through your feelings. It doesn’t happen overnight, but it WILL get easier in time. You have a bright, bright future within your power. Don’t let your heartache take the opportunity away for you to manifest it. If you are having suicidal thoughts, PLEASE talk to someone and get some help in dealing with those feelings. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline 24 hrs a day at 1-800-273-TALK. There are great people there who will be happy to listen. Please take care of yourself.

  28. SameBoat on November 11, 2009 at 9:42 am

    LivingtheLOA: Thank you SOOOO much for your phenomenal examples! Reading those was exactly what I needed to get my head around it. You’ve inspired me to incorporate some of those into my practice. Thanks!! :)

    Kiki: I cannot tell you how much your story sounds like mine. My relationship with my Ex- was THE best I’ve ever had … the connections on EVERY level were the best I’ve ever had. My best friend who has known me since college and has known all the (many) guys I’ve dated, told me, “NOW, I feel that this is the one, and only one of all your boyfriends, that I think is the one for you and the one you will be with for the rest of your life.” Like you, I **know** (he’s told me) how he feels about me and our relationship, and I know that on many levels his being with me would make him so happy. But right now, he has to figure out alone other parts of his life, which is what keeps us apart.

    SO, I still miss my ex- and the pain at times for me, too, was very deep. I still think about him every day, but it’s getting better. I noticed that this morning he was not the first thought on my mind when I woke up. Hurrah!

    Here’s the thing … Before him, I was in another relationship where I also fell IN love (let’s call him “B”). I RARELY fall in love … I’m quite selective and most of the men I’ve dated just don’t resonate with me. I was heartbroken when my elationship with “B” ended, and I mourned for A YEAR. I told myself after that that I would NEVER allow myself to wallow for that long (my relationship with B was only 6 months!). A few months after getting over my misery re:”B”, I wrote my list for what I wanted in a soul mate (I have since expanded it, and like Dan – DAN: LOVED your story, thank you – it’s now 4 pgs long :) ). A few months later, I met my Ex.

    Here’s the thing: EXACTLY as LivingtheLOA and others above have said, my relationship with my Ex was SOOOO many times better than my relationship with B. My Ex was emotionally available and adored me. I can’t even compare the two relationships, the last one was so much better. SO, I now have the benefit of knowing that IF my Ex isn’t “the one” I’m manifesting, my relationship with the guy who is WILL be as phenomenal as my last one if not more so (and my Ex and I never had a fight, so how could it be better? BECAUSE the one who is My Guy will not leave and I will have that knowledge of long term security …even that one factor makes it better).

    FOR ME, THE worst feeling with “B” was thinking that he was the best one out there and there was NO ONE else who could compare. Because of my relationship with my Ex, I NOW realize that my “scarcity” thinking is what kept me mourning for an entire year (ack). If you were to try to think that there are a million guys who are as phenomenal for you as Juan … to really BELIEVE and TRUST that he is NOT the only one … then maybe you can find some relief. It is this knowledge that has allowed me to not mourn the loss of my Ex as long as I did the loss of “B”. My mantra IS (I mean, I find this post so wacky in timing/synchronicity because I’ve had EXPLICIT convo’s about my mantra) “my Ex- (ready) or better” because I now believe in ABUNDANCE and know that if he came into my life to teach me how it is to be absolutely adored (so as to not settle for anything less), then I’m grateful for that lesson. My Guy will adore me, too, and will be Ready :).

    So will yours, Kiki. He is out there …whether it is Juan OR some other Mr. Fabulous-and-Ready-Right-Now-And-For-Good-For-Kiki. My heart goes out to you, but please know that your knight in shining armor IS out there, when you are ready to let him in.

  29. SameBoat on November 11, 2009 at 9:52 am

    ha! Kiki, in case you don’t subscribe, just thought I’d paste TODAY’s Abraham-Hicks quote (no “coincidences”):

    “There is no shortage. And any attention to shortage of something wanted will always produce negative emotion within you because your guidance is letting you know that you have strayed from your broader basic understanding of abundance and Well-Being. Whether you are focused upon the shortage of money—or seeing yourself as having only so many years to live (and so each day that is expended is one day closer to the end of your years)—that feeling of decline is contrary to your broader understanding of the Eternal nature of your Being.”

  30. EngagingtheMagic on November 11, 2009 at 10:08 am

    Kiki,

    My heart is swelling for you right now. I too have been in a situation like yours off and on for almost three years now. The pain is real and sad and confusing all at the same time. But you will come through this a little each and everyday. What I most want to share with you and what I feel that my lesson was in all of the in’s and out’s of my on again off again relationship was that I was NOT loving myself. And that the relationship was mirroring back to me that I needed to love me the way that I was loving my guy. That is what I am now doing finding ways to love myself just a little more each and everyday. A practice that I learned from Jeanette was to simply write down on a piece of paper…I love myself over and over. Boy was that hard to do but I did it just continuing to write I love myself. And that one little practiced opened huge doors to loving myself. I highly recommend Jeanettes…The Art of Self-Love.

    Hope this helps. Hugs….
    Melissa

  31. Mitch on November 11, 2009 at 10:15 am

    Kiki, it’s great to hear from you! And I agree with everyone’s comments.

    I SO know how you feel here. I held onto a similar relationship for several years because even though it was hard and so very frustrating, I couldn’t let go of the good times. Because when it was good, it was GOOD. But when it was bad… the pain floored me, like you said.

    Eventually I began to understand that no matter how awesome the good times were with this one, there had to be others out there who wouldn’t put up such a fight! And guess what? There were! And what a relief it was to be with someone new who just says yes without hesitation. Someone who easily wants to be with me.

    There are so many guys out there who wouldn’t hesitate to be with you! That doesn’t diminish your pain over Juan right now, I know. But I can also say from experience that what hurts worse than the heartbreak of giving up on a lover is the agonizing fight we put up in trying to hold onto them when it just isn’t working.

    If you decide to give up on Juan for now, I’m sure you’ll cry for a while. But I’m guessing there could be some relief in letting go of the struggle. At least, there was for me when I gave up on my old relationship.

    And a note on EFT… you probably already know this, but are you tapping on past events? Really specific times, maybe in childhood, when you felt like someone wasn’t there for you or like someone was abandoning you? I had little success in tapping on heartbreak myself, until I realized that these current events were drawing from similar problems in the past that needed healing. Just thought I’d throw that out there.

    Be strong, Kiki! You’ll get through this!

  32. Kiki on November 11, 2009 at 12:48 pm

    Hi Everyone

    WOW. I am so touched by and grateful for your help and advice. I’m going to take some time right now and read through each of your posts.

    But first I wanted to reassure you all that I’m NOT suicidal. Perhaps a bit dramatic in my wording, but not at that point. Thank you for your concern but I really don’t want anyone to worry about me in any way, let alone that way.

    I will be back soon with some follow up comments, replies and questions. I thank you all for responding to this post and helping me so much and I thank Jeanette most of all for posting my question.

    Lots of love and gratitude,
    Kiki

  33. Good Vibe Coach on November 11, 2009 at 1:02 pm

    I am, too! (Blown away by the outpouring of love and support.)

    You guys are .. how many times have I said it? .. you continue to amaze me at how wise and loving and generous you are. You’re the BEST!

    And, of course, I feel really smart in posting a question that so many could relate to and offer experience with.
    :)

  34. MissyB on November 11, 2009 at 3:18 pm

    Oh boy – what can I say that’s not already been said.
    I don’t like lists of what I want in a man. All the men in my life have come at the right time in order for me to progress on. I always just ask for the right man for me. My current man is not a partner – he’s not long term – but I accept that he is in my life for a reason and is a stepping stone to the next. He is right now, the right man for me. Though having said that, I’m changing at the mo and am looking for something more…and guess what, he’s not been about so much and it all feels just fine as I know that there will be a replacement. I totally trust that the next bloke along will be right for me – he will suit my circumstances at the time. And it might just be that he’ll suit my circumstances for the rest of my life. And if not – NEXT !
    Kiki – I’d say your feelings at the mo is pobably a major link of us all here. How many people fall upon LOA to win back a love or similar ? There’s so much advice and love here for you. My only thing to add is – feel your way through – whatever the outcome – you’ll get there.

  35. Susan on November 11, 2009 at 5:00 pm

    Love that comment MissyB, ‘feel your way through’. It’s something I’ve come to realise just lately, I was trying to think my way through, you know, am I thinking the right thoughts, am I saying the right words? But in one of those Ah Ha moments (thankyou universe) I realised it’s my feelings that matter. So now I try to focus and look at anything at all that makes me feel happy.
    As Abraham says, ‘Happy on the way’.

  36. Kiki on November 12, 2009 at 7:38 am

    Hi Everyone

    Thank you again for all of your support, love and wisdom. There are so many ideas and examples I can use here. A few of them I’m not ready for as you’ll see by what I write below, but please know that I will take your advice and use what feels good for me.

    I love Juan. Doesn’t matter what list he measures up to and whether or not he’s doing what I want him to. Or whether he is the ‘easier option’ etc. I love him. And natrualy I want to be with him. I really do. That’s just how I feel. I know it doesn’t make sense. I know he’s not perfect. I know he is not the easy option. I know. Doesn’t change how I feel, though I wish it would.

    However, I also know that I can’t control or own anyone else. . .and I wouldn’t want to.

    I love Juan but I don’t need him.

    I just need to release this resistance so I can feel better. That’s what I really need. I want to find my own alignment, really.

    But it seems like I am fighting a losing battle in this regard.

    Incidentally, I attracted information about LOA before I attracted Juan. I then used the LOA information I came across to attract Juan. And, he was beyond my wildest dreams of what a man and a love connection could be. Still is.

    So why isn’t he here? Why did I lose what I attracted? Can I un-lose it?

    And, with other areas of my life, why can’t I shake whatever resistance it is that is keeping me apart from my Vortex?

    I desire a family sooner than later and so I would like to meet Someone New if Juan is not going to meet me halfway. I’m trying to let go of hoping he’ll come back. I’m trying to make space in my heart and life for someone else. I’ve even tried dating again but it seems that now I know about energy alignment, if my energy is even just a little off, it manifests HORRIBLY for me.

    So, what gives? I am doing my BEST and it just doesn’t seem to be good enough. For all the energy I’m putting in, I don’t see any imporvements or twinkles of hope manifesting in my life. I am sincerely trying to feel better but I don’t see anything for all the good energy I am pouring into myself and my life. And, I’m actually not doing this to get stuff. I really just want to feel good. But, day in day out, I am finding myself losing the plot. I’ll be feeling great until the pain of the Juan situation will stab me in the heart from nowhere.

    So why am I stuck? And how do I un-stick so that I can let whatever is good that I’ve created between Juan and I or Somone Better to flow to me???? (Am I even allowed to want him, specifically?). It’s not just Juan I seem to be holding away from me. It’s money, health, my writing talents.

    I’m just at my wits’ end. But I am encouraged that I have managed to attract people, advice and support of your calibre into my experience. I’m taking it as a sign that things are improving in my vibration. I hope that’s true!

    Thanks once again.
    Love Kiki

  37. Toni on November 12, 2009 at 1:10 pm

    Wow… this post AND comments are nothing short of fantastic…

    And you know what, you guys, this can easily be applied to everything else that you so passionately want to attract into your life.

    Personally I’ve got a few new ideas for my two big wishes, DreamJob and SecondChild – in particular thanks to LivingtheLOA and her great examples.

    Thank you! :-)

  38. sonia on November 12, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    Kiki, just stop trying so hard. Let yourself feel the pain, be sad for as long as you need to, cry for as long as you need to and soothe yourself like you would for a close friend. Tell yourself the words you’d tell them, be nice and gentle, be caring.
    You’re hurt, that’s your reality for now, accept it. Things will improve bit by bit and you will be guided toward Juan …or someone else but that’s not the point now. For now, just be patient with yourself, do nice things for Kiki, take care of her and if sometimes it gets too hard…so be it. It’s ok. This too shall pass. Hang in there. I know that some hours can be awful but it gets better, I promise, it does. Been there, done that. And feel the love you have for Juan with all your soul, love is really the greatest energy, it will heal you.
    Much love.

  39. Stacy G on November 13, 2009 at 11:19 am

    I am so glad this post was created. I need some guidance and insight on how I can help to improve my current situation that sounds very similar to Kiki’s and some others.

    I met a guy a little over two years ago and we instantly hit it off and became friends. Our friendship quickly developed and within the first few months we were already referring to each other as best friends. I didn’t see him a romantic way at first but then all of a sudden it hit me and I realized I was falling in love with him. Then suddenly it hit me – he was the guy I created and had been waiting for. He fullfilled everything on my list. To top it off he even filled a test I had set up for myself and my friends. I talked about LOA often and I said I’m going to make a statement to prove it to everyone and I said outloud “I’m going to marry the man that takes me to see Gavin DeGraw” (an artist I love – I’m a big music buff so that statement meant a lot).

    So the first time the two of us hung out alone (we met on a cruise -long story) was – get this – when he went with me to see Gavin DeGraw! I had missed tickets for his NYC show so I bought a solo ticket to see him in Boston and I planned on staying with family after the show. He decided to scalp a ticket (he paid $60 for a $25 ticket) and he took me to the show. That night was also our first kiss. Anyways…

    He told me quickly off the bat that he wasn’t ready for a relationship with me. He said we were best friends and he didn’t want to ruin it and right now he just couldn’t take the chance at losing me due to his issues with relationships. Unfortunately, our friendship lines were very blurred and it often became confusing and in the meantime I fell madly in love with him. He has since dated another girl and is now living with his current girlfriend who was an Ex that he had unresolved feelings for.

    That leads me to my struggle. I love him and I miss him terribly (we used to live in the same city, I moved before his GF came because I couldn’t handle it) but I’m trying to figure out what to do. He is my best friend and I can’t imagine not having him in my life but it hurts to see him with his girlfriend. The kicker is, it hurts more not to talk to him (which is what my friends suggested I do). I’m trying to figure out what solution is best. Do I have to give up my best friend and move on or do I accept the reality of it all and ‘give’ myself my best friend so I’m happy in that regard? I truly believe we are meant to be together but I know I need to detach myself from that thought right now.

    Any insight would be so helpful! I feel like the right thing to do is to be his friend in the best way it works for me and just trust that it’s ‘him or someone better’ and it will all work out as it should. I feel better just typing that. I should listen to that, shouldn’t I?

    Sorry it’s so long – I just feel so relieved to have a place to talk about this!

    Stacy G

  40. Kiki on November 14, 2009 at 3:14 am

    Hi Everyone

    Hope you are all having good weeks. I came across this quote which is helping me (in addition to all your loving and helpful advice):

    “Everything is ok in the end. If it’s not ok, it’s not the end.” – Unknown

    Thought it might be useful.

    Love Kiki

  41. Jeannette on November 14, 2009 at 5:57 pm

    Stacy, if I were in your shoes I would genuinely ask myself the question, “What feels better?” and go with whatever answer comes up.

    My answer in your shoes is that girlfriend or not, I’d still appreciate and enjoy my love for the guy. Just because we’re not in the same city, nor the same bed doesn’t mean I can’t love him! And just because I love him doesn’t mean someone else can’t fill the open spot for “boyfriend” in my life.

    (Which is how I came to have so many ex-boyfriends I love to this day!)

    But that’s MY take. You’ll want to find YOURS. Sending good thoughts to you for that process.
    :)

  42. Alora on November 17, 2009 at 12:56 am

    Hi Kiki & All,

    I was in a similar situation years ago. He was a soul mate and it was external circumstances that kept us apart and it was agonizing.

    How I got turned around and manifested my husband was this (if it helps)…

    I realized that there is a difference between a soul mate and a soul mate who is a partner. Just because they are a soul mate doesn’t mean they are a partner. I wanted a partner. He obviously wasn’t it because he couldn’t or wouldn’t go there with me.

    I realized that dating and dealing with men was such a problematic area of my life and had been for 15 years that I realized I would rather be single because I was happier when I wasn’t in a Romeo-Juliet agony story. And I thought “What’s wrong with being single for my whole life if I’m happy, isn’t happy the point?” and I said OK to that.

    I quit my day job, cashed in my 401k and committed myself to a passion/career I felt completely at Purpose with. I was totally fulfilled in it.

    Then I turned around and there was this guy… and I didn’t want to date him because I was too busy doing my own thing. But the Universe pulled out the stops to get us to date (that’s another story) and 6 years and two kids later I am still madly in love with him, my husband.

    And all of this happened before I knew about Law of Attraction.

    So if it helps, I offer my story to you, with the tools about the soul mate vs. soul mate partner, just dropping the relationship stick (as Abraham may say) if it’s too messy for you and just aiming for happy, and getting yourself completely in tune with what makes you feel completely connected to your Purpose, whatever that is.

    Personally, I am not sure I could have manifested a better guy while still in the woes of that star-crossed relationship. Instead of trying for another relationship – in retrospect – I chose myself instead. And ended up married…

    …because the Universe knows what you want. The only reason you have to keep repeating it is for you.

    HUGS to you all going through this because I remember how much it hurt. So be easy on yourself. You love deeply and you feel deeply and you have big hearts. You are so beautiful.

  43. Carol on November 18, 2009 at 3:52 am

    Hi Kiki, Like so many of us I have been involved in a soulmate relationship which was not a partner relationship. A relationship which makes you want to cry out ‘Why? Why?” a lot of the time. I really love Alora’s take on soulmate vs partner!
    It was in 2006. I read Abraham and I’d come to realize ‘the situation’ was in no way contributing to my happiness and since happiness is paramount, I decided to focus on my feelings in the here and now and putting lots of energy in my goals, practicing self love… Starting meditation also. The “situation’ had lasted for almost six years and only one month after starting meditation, I was apparently ready to play a bit, had a very lighthearted experience with a guy, which still makes me smile. Then, another three months later, while volunteering for something I felt passionate about, I met my partner! And he’s the full package. And I keep focusing on my own goals, my own path.

    Be very sweet to yourself, pour all that loving energy in yourself for a while and the universe will know you are ready…

  44. Kelly on November 18, 2009 at 8:46 am

    Wow. Jeanette, you know that I needed this or you wouldn’t have sent me the link today! In the same situation, seeing my “dating partner” for 2.5 years now, met at an AWFUL time for her (lost job, father dying) and she told me on day one “I don’t do relationships well”.

    The good is off the charts, the bad seems insurmountable. I try to stay open to all possibilities, her or someone else.

    But the “pour all the loving energy in yourself for a while and the Universe will know you are ready…” from Carol was a swift kick in the pants. I don’t do this. I pour it all into this relationship.

    So! Off to try something new.

    This site, and you, are amazing Jeanette!

  45. Stacy G on November 18, 2009 at 9:51 am

    Jeannette – thank you so much for your insight and good thoughts! Shortly after writing my posts and reading your response, I sat down and really thought about what makes me feel good and I acted on it. I actually went ahead and started my pray rain journal and over these last few days my attitude and happiness has shifted upward! I’m no longer stressing about where ‘he’ or anyone fits in my life anymore, I’m just taking it as it all comes and I’m enjoying every single second of it. Shutting people out doesn’t make me happy, so I put an end to that.

    Whomever is my ‘dream’ man, will be, and that is that!

    Thank you so much. I’m really grateful I found this post and this site. I really enjoy coming here everyday as a source of inspiration.

    Stacy

  46. Jennifer T on December 31, 2009 at 12:10 pm

    The way I see it is, that I guess it all boils down to something I once heard: “be the change you want to see in your life”… which also can be put simply: “set the example.” After all, it is up to each and every one of us to let others know (romantic partners included) how we expect to be treated.

    And, of course, by universal law… only those people/circumstances/etc… will be drawn to us from that standpoint.

  47. Nicole on November 24, 2010 at 9:11 am

    Kiki & Stacy G – it’s been about a year since your last posts and I’ve been reading the epic stories with great interest – what happened?

  48. chaim on March 28, 2011 at 5:17 pm

    I have been reading the posts and have found then very interesting. I have been using this method unknowingly for my whole life with excellent results. But I am in a interesting situation. I was dating a woman about 6 years ago and never felt that way with a woman before. I actually got scared things were moving so fast. We parted. I thought I wasnt ready for a long term relationship. Needless to say the lady was hurt and I felt very bad about this. Since then I have dated many woman with nothing happening. I couldnt forget her. About two years ago I became overwelmed with the thought of her and couldnt shake it. I went back and read all her emails to me and finally saw how much she loved me. She changed her phone number so I sent her a Blue Mountasin card and told her how I felt.(big mistake i think) She replied and said thank you. But nothing else. I thought, I guess this is over with and I better try to forget it. Two years went by and I became overwhelmed again with the feelings of my love for her. I sent her another card telling her that I realized we would never be together again but wished her and her kids happiness I told her she would always have a special place in my heart forever. She replied and thanked me. i wrote back asking her out as friends only basis just to talk and no reply. I am trying to manefest her back in my life. Any thoughts???? Im afraid to push it in the physical. I may push her further away.Any help would be appreciated

    Chaim

  49. Jeannette on April 20, 2011 at 10:35 am

    My suggestion is to open yourself to love in other ways besides just this one person. If we get fixated on one particular person, it’s easy to be a vibrational mismatch to the very thing we want.

    But when we open ourselves to love in GENERAL, then we’re a much better match and our desire can be delivered on in a variety of ways. Maybe this person, probably someone else. We’re a winner either way, though. Know what I mean?

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