Managing Jealousy

October 25, 2010 | 29 Comments »

Ever catch yourself shooting daggers at the happy couple holding hands?  Or holding back tears after opening a baby shower announcement?  Or wanting to unfriend a former colleague who announces her dream job on facebook?

While it isn’t pretty, it also isn’t unusual – feeling bad when someone else feels good.

Deliberate creators know feelings of envy and jealousy aren’t very vortexy.

Meaning, the worse we feel, the longer our own good news is in coming.

What to do when someone else’s happiness makes you feel worse?

Abraham says jealousy is an “activated awareness” of the difference between where you are and where you want to be, and that in order to let in what we want we must “eliminate the discomfort” of jealousy.

They also say jealousy is a good sign because it means you want something.  It also means you’re not in alignment with that something, but it is first and foremost a sign of desire.

And desire is not a bad thing.

With that in mind, we can reframe feelings of jealousy (and get to a higher vibe) by remembering the truth:

1) Feeling jealous is a sign of desire. So what exactly is it that I want?

That simple reframe takes the attention off the negative “gap” and puts it back on the desire.

Her husband is a model of the ideal man: kind, generous, considerate, smart, funny AND hot?  While I stand here dateless and divorced at yet another family event?  My jealousy signals my desire: having a guy like that.

And with that simple acknowledgement my attention dials off of WANTING a guy like that (and being irritated that I don’t have him while someone else does) and ON a guy like that.

BIG reframe!

Can you feel the difference?  I’m celebrating my desire, rather than dwelling on not having what I want.

When I drop the “lack” and the “wanting” (and the irritation that someone has what I want but don’t have) I’m dialed solely in on my desire: a guy like that.   And that’s a sweet subject.  🙂

2) Jealousy arises from negative comparisons. If you’re going to compare, do it in a more positive way.

I’m jealous of the sexy blonde in the black dress getting all the attention?  You know, there IS something to be said for having a conversation with someone who is genuinely interested in conversing, not just hopeful about catching a glimpse of cleavage.  (For real.)

Better yet, stop the comparisons altogether.  Per Abe:

We want you to care so much about your own balancing of energy, so much so that we want you to leave everyone out of the equation.  If you’re trying to achieve what someone out there is achieving, if your comparing what you’ve accomplished with what anybody else has accomplished, its gonna drive you crazy… because there is always going to be someone who is focused in more of a succinct way on something that always managed to attract something or create something beyond what you have.

And that’s one of the reasons that we think it is really a good idea to get your nose out of everyone else’s business.  And you put YOUR nose in YOUR business – and your only business is your alignment of energy.

3) Honor your feelings. If I know anything, it’s that resisting feelings of envy will contribute to more stuff to envy.

My advice?  Own it, and get over it.

I’ve noticed when I let myself feel a negative emotion fully (ala Tom Stone’s work from 12 Core Dynamics) it doesn’t last all that long.  It’s only when I resist it that I get stuck in it.

Deliberate creators sometimes do get panties in a twist about negative feelings, which the truth is it’s all a part of the evolution of desire.  So jealousy isn’t such a bad thing; it’s just not something we want to get a PhD in.

4) Using jealousy as a signal of desire, that can help me see someone else’s having what I want as reinforcement that what I want is possible.  People are doing/having/being it!  It’s happening every day!

And if I’m seeing it, that means I’m not that far away from it vibrationally.  As I revel in that, even through someone else’s experience of it, I’m getting that much closer to it vibrationally.

Which means it is soon to be mine, too.  Happy day!

Remembering that everything is possible for me helps, too.

Much of this managing jealousy is simply finding a better feeling thought.  Which just requires an awareness of what we’re thinking and feeling and a willingness to play with it.

No biggie.

I’ll end with this quote from Abraham, and invite you to share your tips and tricks about managing jealousy in the comments discussion:

Don’t you know people that have all the money in the world and are still dissatisfied? Don’t you know people that are living in what you think is your dream house who are dissatisfied with it? Don’t you find it amazing that people who OUGHT to be happy under the conditions that you think you are reaching for aren’t?

And doesn’t it sort of point out to you that you just can’t compare anything anyone else is living with what you are living?  – Abraham-Hicks, Caribbean Cruise April 8th, 2006

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29 Responses to “ Managing Jealousy ”

  1. Jeannette says:

    Smart facebook comments rolling in on this one:

    from Yasmin, “Focus on what’s good in YOUR life.”

    from Mike: I believe that if you experience jealousy, that’s just a sign that you don’t truly believe that you are in control of your own life. Once you realize that you truly are a powerful creator (deliberate or by default) and YOU are in the driver’s seat of your life, then you will focus your energy and thoughts on what you want, and jealousy will not be present. I’ve written a blog post about this at http://www.theuplifter.com/2009/12/11/locus-of-control-believe-in-your-own-power/

    from Kimberly: Jealousy is a form of fear and fear will only beget more fear so I’ve learned to focus on what I have and appreciate where I am; plus, I truly believe that the grass is never greener once you jump the fence.

    from Nikky: Sometimes using Hoʻoponopono on the object/person causing you to get jealous helps dissipate the negative feeling of jealousy. Has worked for me !!!! ( use – I love you, I am sorry, Please forgive me and thank you- say it in your mind as often as required)

  2. Jessica Earl says:

    My thought was a bit of a combination of everything mentioned so far, but I want to word it a different way. Jealousy is a fear or belief that we can NOT have what they have. For instance, If she has THAT job, or THAT guy, then I can’t have it.

    AS deliberate creators, we can tap into the knowing that there are infinite possibilities, and even a better options for us than what we are seeing over there! That there is “enough” to go around! 🙂

    Thanks again for another practical approach to “real world LOA”!

  3. Nice one, Jessica, for being able to recognize the feeling of jealousy is just a clue to remember our power that we CAN create whatever we want.

    Thanks for posting!

  4. Thanks Jeannette. I found myself dealing with some feelings of envy lately. It makes me so uncomfortable. I feel guilty – like a bad person, but your post makes me see this differently now. I understand when I have this reaction. I realize now that should focus on the “feeling of having” of what I’m feeling envious about – and bless and release the person who is already where I want to be!

  5. I know from personal experience as well as coaching lots of other creators that you’ve got good company, Angela! And yes, thanks for the reminder NOT to beat ourselves up when these feelings do arise.

    It’s just a sign of something we were believing that isn’t true.

    Ahh, that feels SO much better! Thanks for chiming in on this one, Angela! 🙂

  6. I love the work of Abraham and I believe they give some real life keys in being able to move your emotions from where you don’t want to go, to where you do.

    I think everyone feels jealous at different times and with different situations, but the most important point I got out of this, is that your emotions are always guiding you to the place where you really want to be.

    It get you to take a step back and wonder, “hmmmm what are my emotions telling me right now”. Its this curiosity of what are emotions are telling us at the time that we must make note of. We must remember not to live in the emotion, as this just causes suffering.

    Thank you for your post Jeannette

  7. I love that, CMMM: getting curious about what the jealousy is saying to us, rather than getting caught up in it (or judging it, as Angela mentioned above).

    That lighter and more open approach is sure to bring the benefits that feelings of jealousy offer us! 🙂

  8. Dude!! “” It’s only when I resist it that I get stuck in it”” I was sick for a week. And really mad about it cos it was a full on physical revolt in response to the stress that went into creating my new website – the night it was launched, I was wiped out instantly (releasing 3 months of ahhhhh!).

    Till I decided if I was going to be sick for so long then by gosh darnit I will be sick in STYLE. Got myself $40 in junk food and 3 DvDs which I watched in a row. Mid way thru the 2nd DvD I was already feeling better – that’s 3 hours after being out for 7 days. Haha the irony is not lost on me 🙂

    As for the rest, I used to be that girl. Now, I am so happy for everyone who has what I want that it can bring me to happy tears for them sometimes! Except for people who are creating products left, right and centre and launching courses cos I’m slacking on that. Ooops! Ok, letting go of resistance to non-creation in the way I’ve been attached 😀 I’m a product/course slacker and i embrace it!

  9. Tia, I LOVE it! “Sick in STYLE”!! ha ha

    Talk about releasing resistance!

    It makes me wonder if we could leverage that with jealousy, too … like embracing jealousy rather than resisting it and feeling it isn’t right or that we shouldn’t feel that way.

    I think “sick in style” would make a great (guest) blog post! 😉

  10. Not a surprise, Pernille, that the more you trust in your ability to create anything, the less jealousy you feel.

    And I love that you can take those rare moments of it to appreciate the clarity it brings. 🙂

  11. If I feel that heavy tug in my heart I pause and think how cool it really is for them to have manifested that for themselves and then I breathe and decide to be happy for them 🙂 Voila! tug disappears and is replaced with sparkly flow*

  12. Pernille Madsen says:

    Very interesting article, Jeannette!

    The more I’ve come to believe and trust that I can get what I want just by asking and allowing, the more seldom I experience feeling jealous.

    However, recently I was in a situation where I did feel jealous and bad about something that another person had/did. Then I realized this was actually just a piece of contrast and it helped me gain clarity around what it was that I wanted!

    So I particularly resonate with this part of your article:

    “jealousy is a good sign because it means you want something. It also means you’re not in alignment with that something, but it is first and foremost a sign of desire”

  13. Ah, lovely reminder, Stella, of the magic a nice deep breath can do!

    Nice to see you contributing on this one, my friend! Thank you. 🙂

  14. Stephen says:

    Yeah, I see you’re goin’ down the street in your big Cadillac,
    You got girls in the front, you got girls in the back,
    Yeah, way in back, you got money in a sack,
    Both hands on the wheel and your shoulders rared back
    root-doot-doot-doot-doot, do-wah,

    I hear tell you’re doin’ well,
    Good things have come to you.
    I wish I had your happiness
    And you had a do-wacka-do,
    Wacka do, wacka-do, wacka-do.

    Roger Miller

  15. Stephen, if I know that song, the words have never registered. Too funny!! lol

  16. Well said Pernille! My envy shows me what I want or what I say I want and am not doing yet, so I can then question if I REALLY want that or just think I should, thus teasing them apart! So my job then is to understand that 🙂 Simple ay.

  17. Phillis Benson says:

    WOW — again, always perfect timing — thank you for the post and reminder! Cheers, P.

  18. Glad you liked it, Phillis! Thanks for popping in to say so.
    🙂

  19. Jeannette, I totally agree with Abraham’s assessment, but it’s still more of a Master Deliberate Creator’s response. Not everyone is at that level *yet*. 😉

    Years ago, I would feel jealousy laced with *why them, and not me?!?* …UNTIL…I heard someone say:

    If you are going to play the comparison game, go ALL THE WAY. Compare EVERYTHING about that person, not just the thing you are jealous of.

    So, I tried that…and it worked. It gave me enough relief that I could let go of the jealousy knowing that none of us are *perfect*. We are all *in-process*, and doing better in some places than in others. Once we all reach Christ-Consciousness, all bets are off, however until that time…chances are the person who has what you think you want, also has a LOT of what you think you DON’T want!!! 😉

    Many blessings,
    Nancy

  20. Oooh I like that Nancy, compare everything! HA!! Bet I’d find out in a hurry that I liked everything else about my life just fine 🙂 I’ll remember this one.

  21. That one has worked for me on occasion as well, Nancy. Thanks for sharing it here! I think many others will get some leverage from it as well.
    🙂

  22. Nicole says:

    Great post! I’ve never thought of jealousy in this light, where it is telling you what you desire. Our emotions really are a key in getting to know what we want.

    How do you think this ties in with relationships? Should we really be jealous if our significant other has deep personal(friend or love)relationships with others? Is jealousy in a relationship a good sign that you want your lover, or is it problematic?

  23. Oooh, Nicole – such a fun question!!

    My boyfriend has been a little bit bothered that I don’t show jealousy. He interprets it as a sign that I don’t care.

    Which couldn’t be further from the truth – it’s the ULTIMATE sign of caring! Because when you really truly love someone, you are a champion for their happiness – even if it’s in the arms of another.

    I think I wrote something along these lines before … maybe it was called “Drawing the Line on Love.” Let me go check it out …

    … well, somewhat related: http://goodvibeblog.com/2008/08/drawing-the-line-on-love/

    But I think the fact is that jealousy is very common in relationships and thus lovely ground for gaining clarity about what we fear, what we want, and maybe simply following Angela’s lead in not judging ourselves for it and then Stella’s lead by breathing into it. 🙂

    I’ll invite others to chime in on this one, too … ?

  24. Nicole says:

    Wow – this is great: “when you really truly love someone, you are a champion for their happiness…”

    I agree that in relationships, jealousy is a trigger that we are afraid of something, feel inadequate, or an excuse to get out of the relationship.

    Thanks Jeanette 🙂

  25. Kim Falconer says:

    ‘Get you nose out of other peoples business!’ I love that, and I am also thinking of WHY we put our nose there in the first place. The core of being a ‘sticky beak’ might just be an innate desire to connect (with 150 other people)!

    To get our nose out of other peoples’ business, we might want to make our lives fuller, richer and absolutely burgeoning with meaningful connections!

    I love these tips for the green eyed one! Thank you, Jeannette and everybody – great comments!

    🙂

  26. In a conversation today with a client I realized that it might be easy to feel resistance to jealousy, thinking it’s a bad vibe …

    … and that the remedy for that COULD be embracing it instead. “I LOVE that about me!” feels like a nice upgrade from thinking “I need to change this about me.” hee hee

  27. Parul Bhargava says:

    What can I say? Jealousy and I have been fast friends for almost forever. I feel the emotion SO acutely that it’s a physical reaction (feels something like a panic attack). 🙁

    For me, it mostly comes up in romantic relationships. It’s only recently that I’ve started examining it closely to really understand how to tackle it since it has caused a lot of havoc in my life.

    The first thing, like with all, has been to acknowledge it and still appreciate myself for it. Something like “I love how jealous I am!!!” (thanks, Jeannette :))

    The other is working on not taking it too seriously. Which means, I acknowledge the emotion and then side-step it, since that’s almost a default reaction. This is a new technique and I’m still playing with it. I hope to diffuse it completely over time.

    Of course, self-appreciation and self-love go a long way.

    The mere thought of this guy I like, around attractive women, is enough to send me into a tizzy. To counter that, I’ve started focusing on ensuring I look nice by putting make-up, dressing a little more carefully etc., when I step out. So that each time I look at myself in the mirror I like what I see and send appreciation and love to myself!!

    A little narcissistic, but it really helps!! 😀

  28. LOALoveCoach says:

    Hi Jeannette,

    I love this post. It shifts one’s perspective to think of ‘jealousy’ as a magic key to happiness. When the uncomfortable feelings come up, it is a call to use the moment to redefine (clarify) what it is you really really want. It is a leap of faith to do so sometimes as it can sting a bit, but it is so worth it.

    It is just another sign of CONTRAST….Woohoo!!

    I love the Good Vibe U! So glad to connect with you here.

    Love,
    Catherine
    http://TakeTheSoulMateQuiz.com

  29. Kerry says:

    It’s good to read everyone’s comments and views!

    I think it is normal to feel jealous at times, in particular when you feel you lack something. Your mind chattering things like you don’t have this, that and not satisfied with not having something etc. It then turns into worry, fear, sadness, lack of faith, not good enough, etc. It’s all in your mind. You are limitng yourself and don’t trust yourself and the univese.

    We should acknowledge all our emotions and feelings that ebb and flow like waves then move onto better thoughts gradually which serves us better! We should be grateful for what we already have. But more than anything have courage, self-love, believe and faith. Keep smiling and love yourself first.

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