Manifesting Friendly Exes

October 26, 2008 | 34 Comments »

divorce1.jpgMy ex hubby called to share his success story in manifesting an amazing night with a beautiful young lady in Nashville last week.  He’s new to law of attraction, and isn’t exactly in the habit of picking up girls – so this was out of his ordinary.

He created it by first recognizing the desire – “I want to have dinner with a beautiful girl.”  Then he stated it out loud: “I am dining with a fun beautiful girl tonight.”

Then he “acted as if.”  He saw the Godiva chocolate store in the hotel, went in for raspberry truffles for his as of yet nonexistent dinner date, which is when a beautiful young fun girl nudged him in the back of the knees to get his attention.

Hours later after a whirlwind of dining, dancing and (probably) some drinking, he was back in his own hotel room at 4 am.  He was quite proud of himself, and I admit, I am too.

As we were laughing about his first deliberate creation success, he said “I knew if anyone would appreciate this story it was you.”  Ha!  I like being the kind of ex-wife who can delight in hearing her former husband romance another woman.

I asked if I could blog about it.  He said, “Sure, but don’t call me your ex.”  He hates that term.

But it’s practically a term of endearment for me.  I think it’s a fortunate man who makes it to my ex list.  He’ll get more love as an ex than most men do as a husband or boyfriend.  (Slight exaggeration, perhaps.)

What’s even more cool is when I get hired to help others accomplish this same thing.  They want to relinquish the traditional experience of divorce or breakup and instead create a fulfilling friendly relationship with a former spouse or partner.  Certainly that’s using our power for good, right?!  (Or maybe that’s still up for debate as per our last post!)

Some folks assume I’m friends with exes because I ended the relationships.  They say, “It’s easy for YOU because you’re not the one getting left behind.”

Well that’s just not true.

In fact, the times when I was the dumpee (vs. dumper) were my best chances for ongoing friendships – since if it’s me initiating departure, their ego seems to have a harder time thinking nice thoughts about me.  (The other impediments generally include new girlfriends/wives.)

But how I got to be such good friends with the only man I’ve ever said “I do” to was not what you might expect.

I credit it to the night he walked out of the house looking like a million bucks and smelling even better (on our date night, no less, which we’d implemented when the marriage road got bumpy) and he said, “I’m going to do what I have to do to be happy; you should do the same.”

Well, I knew exactly what that meant!  There was no talking about it; his mind was made up.  He was gone.

And I cried.  And cried.  All night long.  And felt betrayed.  And abandoned.  And rejected.  And scared.  And angry.  And a failure.  And alone.

All of it.  It was quite the solo pity party!

And the next morning, I was done with it.  I was done being sad and feeling depressed.  I had traveled that road to the end.

The next day I bounced off to work with a spring in my step.  (For real – not faking!)  All the bad feelings were done and gone.  ?!  Sounds bizarre, I know.

I was still getting divorced, obviously; I still had a husband who (apparently) didn’t want me, and who (apparently) wanted other women, but that wasn’t going to ruin my life or even one more day.

As I waited at the bus stop I heard someone approach from behind and I called out “Good morning!” in the most sincere singsong voice I’d heard from myself in a very long time.

That was the beginning of my friendly divorce and becoming even better friends with my ex.  I attribute much of it to “feeling all the feelings” and letting them process right on through.  Not getting stuck in them, just letting them come – and go.

(It maybe also helped that the person I called out a cheery “Good morning” to at the bus stop turned out to be super handsome.  There is definitely life after love, huh, Cher?  hee hee)

This is what I mean when I say this place is crawling with fabulous people.  They’re right under our noses when we just look for them – whether they’re the ones we’re married to, divorced of, or waiting for the bus with.  That doesn’t mean we have to make something work with a person we’ve grown apart from, but it also doesn’t mean we have to cut off the love in order to move on.

After all, we live in an “AND” Universe. We can have our cake AND eat it, too.

What does that look like in terms of relationships?  Where have we limited ourselves as to what we believe is possible?

I see an opportunity right under my own roof right now, and will have fun bringing more AND into my current love life.  The same way I’ve learned how to work less AND enjoy more money; to work out less AND be more fit; I intend to bring more ANDness to my relationship with Russ.

The food for thought here includes manifesting by acting as if (way to go, Kev!), “feeling the feelings” as part of the allowing process, finding ways to feel better (handsome men at bus stops!), dropping conventions about how it’s “supposed” to look (divorce=ugly), and being willing to let more of the good stuff in.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about relationships and their evolution, as well as your range of experiences in deliberate and maybe not-so-deliberate creation of them  … ?

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34 Responses to “ Manifesting Friendly Exes ”

  1. Great post, as always, Jeanette.

    I divorced in early 2000 after 14 years of marriage. I was the one who asked for divorce.

    At that point, it was simply the right thing to do for all parties involved. Myself, my ex and my children.

    Today, I have a civil rapport with her and an awesome relationship with my children. All but one are in their 20s.

    My youngest is 17 and lives with her 700 miles away.

    When we divorced, we gave our son the choice who he lived with. He chose his mother.

    Although this was a tough decision for an 8 year old to make, it was the right process.

    Living away from my son was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I hadn’t been away from him for more than a day since he was born.

    Point is that this was about him, not me. And, he is doing really well. He is very centered, is doing great in school and is truly happy. He knows he has 2 parents that love him, and that he has an open door.

    I believe this came about because I was focused on who I am and the life that I want to live.

    In order to be happy, fulfilled and abundant, I cannot have resentments and I can’t live in the past.

    To this day, I am still considered family by my ex-wife’s clan and I regularly attend their get togethers.

    How cool is that?

    This really is an AND universe. The only limits on me are those that I impose on myself. I prefer not to take the hard road anymore, and am fully open and aligned with the happy, prosperous and abundant life that I desire.

    My coaching essentially focuses on relationships, and the most significant questions are those about how you are taking care of you and how you are showing up.

    After all, if you’re not clearly focused on being that which you desire, how can you possibly expect your other half to make anything happen for you?

    It really is all about you …

  2. Terry says:

    Love this post, Jeannette. I will tell my readers about it and provide the link!

  3. In the BEST of ways, Mark – I totally get that and applaud you for saying it: “It really IS all about YOU.”

    I love how you found your “and” when it came to relationships with children and former spouse and her extended family!! (That is a good sign when her family still considers YOU family!) AND I love how you help others find theirs too.

    Thanks for posting here, Mark! Always a pleasure to read your words! 🙂

  4. Thanks for spreading the word, Terry!

    I still get a big kick out of your blog posts, and I know your readers do too!

  5. Tami says:

    …this one resonates with me in two ways….
    one-(yes I gotta bring up the job thing again) Jeannette responded to one of my posts about being totally consumed and devastated about this whole crazy thing that has happend to me and actually advised me to go ahead and feel all of the yucky feelings that I needed to- cry those spontaneous cries- allow myself to feel those feelings and get ready for the great job that is on its way to me- leave that old stuff behind-
    …secondly- I have joked with my friends that I have GOT to be the only EX that the new girlfriend actually calls for “love advice” with my ex husband…..his past two have actually done that- haha- he has sent me a few online links to some jobs I may be interested in and such- we are by no means best friends but we have “come a long way baby” and it makes for a much better environment for raising a son..thank you universe-
    for great relationships with exs,for fantastic new jobs and great new relationships too (even online ones with LOA pals)

  6. Here’s to “coming a long way, baby”! ha Good job, Tami, in allowing all these good things into your world!

    I think it takes someone with a seriously backseat ego to be able to give the ex’s new lover advice. lol You rock!!

    (I’ve been privileged to be in that position a time or two myself, and really appreciate being of service to my former guy in that way. In fact, that’s where two of my best girlfriends came from!)

    Thanks for sharing your experience here, Tami. And we’re all sending GOOD thoughts your way for fabulous new work!!

  7. Kim Falconer says:

    Hi Jeannette,

    This post is inspiring!

    I used to be a ‘burn all bridges girl’ when it came to ending relationships. My nickname was Medusa! Ha. You can imagine, unlike Mark, the in laws were NOT sending me any invitations to the family gatherings!

    I also used to think that being independent and being in a partnership were mutually exclusive. Oil and water. You couldn’t have both.

    Now, as you know, I am thinking of them as peaches and cream. They totally go together. It’s easy to have both.

    Just like it’s easy to be close to someone you’ve been quite close to in the past. After all, it’s OKAY to break up! We don’t have to make it hideous to justify it. It can be fun, accompanied by a lightness of being on both sides.

    Thanks for bringing this topic up, Jeannette, and tell Kev I’m impressed. That’s great manifesting!

    x Kim

  8. Yeah, maybe we could think of better terms to reinforce the powerful thoughts you’ve shared here, Kim: “After all, it’s OKAY to break up! We don’t have to make it hideous to justify it. It can be fun, accompanied by a lightness of being on both sides.”

    Instead of EXes and Breakups .. we could call it .. wow, why am I having such a hard time thinking of a new term than ex? The Latin of that word means “cut off” doesn’t it? Or something like that?

    I wonder what the Latin for “always connected” might be. lol

    And I don’t really believe in the word “breakup” when it comes to relationships because it seems more that they “change” or “transition” or “evolve” than really END.

    Know what I mean?

    That’s funny, though, that you used to be a Medusa on this topic! ha ha! I can see where there could be some pleasure in that, too. lol

    Thanks, my dear, for joining the conversation here!

  9. Kristy M says:

    “After all, we live in an “AND” Universe. We can have our cake AND eat it, too”

    I LOVE that. I was skimming through a book called “Secrets Of A Millionare Mind” and one of the key points was “Poor people think in either/or… Rich people think in AND”

    That really spoke to me.. especially since its always beem “okay, if I have the fries, I can’t have the shake” or “okay, I’ll if I buy the shirt, I can’t get the jeans”…. we really CAN have it all 🙂

  10. Absolutely, Kristy, great simple examples of where we cut ourselves off! We really CAN have it all – which is ridiculously easy when we get clear about the essence of what we want.

    That’s a great book, huh? Thanks for joining the conversation, Kristy!

  11. El Baugher says:

    Of course you KNOW my long winded self LOVES this post. I promise, I’ll be brief….as possible. LOL

    My oldest son just turned 14. He has lived with his father and step mother since he was 2. We weren’t married. We were just young and dumb… and when we weren’t compatible anymore, I just turned out to be the younger and dumber of the two. I didn’t want to let my son go (what mother would?) but I knew in my heart that this was the best thing for him.

    I wailed and screamed and self destructed for a while thereafter. I even tried those awful, dirty, underhanded things that women sometimes do to get a man back who’s moving on.

    There came a day. I’d love to say that it didn’t take me long, but it did. It took me a couple years to stop resenting him and hating the new woman. Ya have to give me a little break though. I’m a child of dirty divorce and abuse. One can not act in any way other than how they’ve learned to act. But the day came. The day I reflected on the relationship and realized that, had I been in his shoes, I’d have ditched my ass a long time before he did. I was awful and mean and abusive. Not to our child… but to him.

    Once I decided that we were going to have a good relationship, we did. I don’t know how much it had to do with it, but at one point when I was dropping our son off after my weekend with him, I ended up talking to my ex and I actually appologized. Was one of the most emotionally freeing things I’ve ever done. I even cried. I told him I was sorry I was so awful to him. I’m sorry I treated you that way. I accept full responsibility for the fall of our relationship. I hope you and your wife are deliriously happy and you have my full and complete support in everything from this point on. And he really did.

    Since then, we’ve had birthday parties that mine AND his AND her whole families attended together. I call and ask for HER automatically because men never know what’s going on. LOL We… my Hubby and I…and Tom and his wife.. have co-parented our son for 10 years now.

    It doesn’t HAVE to be ugly. When I realized that everyone involved just wanted to be happy…. and let go of my idea that I had to have HIM for myself to be happy… everything just fell into place and it’s been fine since. Last Wednesday, me, my Hubby, Tom, his wife, their 2 other sons, OUR 2 other sons, my younger brother and my grandmother all huddled freezing in the stands at my oldest son’s last football game of the season. What a fun night. Lots of yelling and cheering!!

    So… my peace came from accepting things as they were and accepting my own part in making them that way. Then my joy came from deciding that we were going to be a TEAM and not against eachother. When my ego disappeared from the equasion, it all added up.

    People fall in love with other people for specific reasons. It’s amazing that when one party feels wronged, they forget about all the things they LOVE and start focusing on things they hate. Of course it’ll move downhill from there.

    Ok… shuttin up.

    Oh, PS. Jeannette… ex husband? I bet I got the look on my face that I usually SEE when people hear I have an ex husband. I SO didn’t see that coming. LOL It’s the “YOU were married before?? REALLY?!” look. Funny how people assume they know someone, then BAM, they find out you weren’t ALWAYS this happy, grounded, wise person. They find out you had to grow into who you are by making mistakes like everyone else. They’re always SO surprised too. Tell Kev he’s lucky to have manifested such a fantastic ex 🙂

    Happy Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  12. El, I’m not done reading your post yet, and I got goose bumps reading: “But the day came.”

    !!

    Yay for you in accepting things and choosing to be a Team. VERY cool experience, El! I’m not a bit surprised you’re the one telling it, either. 😉

    PS – your last paragraph made me laugh out loud!

  13. I’ve not taken to the ‘ex’ name thing . . . I really felt uncomfortable with people who state “my ex this or my ex that”, when I hear that I as what the ex’s first name is and then I use that in a sentence . . . . then the conversations (if they continue) seem to become peaceful vs. mean. . . . . .

  14. Peregrine John says:

    Quick notes as I sprint through (spent all my time reading, but worth it!) :

    Certainly that’s using our power for good, right?!
    The best good, yes.

    After all, we live in an “AND” Universe.
    We do. There is, quite literally, more to the Universe than can be seen. Likewise with the cornucopia of love and good. Almost nothing is a zero sum game except for actual games.

    It all reminds me of something e e cummings said: I imagine that yes is the only living thing.

  15. Nice habit you’ve developed there, Phillis.

    And John, this quote really got me!: “I imagine that yes is the only living thing.”

    WOW.

    Thanks for joining the conversation you two!

  16. Kim Falconer says:

    You’re right, Jeannette. The language I used was old school–the old paradigm.

    The Latin would be contineo eternus–the eternal connection.

    I don’t think having an ‘ex’ equates with making a mistake, especially in light of the contineo eternus! I’d like to marry every man on the planet, for a time, just to see what that would be like!

    Here’s to all our eternal connections.

    x Kim

  17. Thanks, Kim! “Contineo eternus–the eternal connection” sounds much better than what I was thinking (cum = with). ha

  18. Ms. Tee says:

    Wow. The story El B. told really touched my heart. I’ve been involved in a nasty relationship with the father of my children for about 7 years now. Since he now has my sons living with him, it’s even worse.

    I wish he would let go of whatever it is that makes him hate me so much. Telling me I’m a horrible mother and telling my kids that I don’t want them is too much for me to handle. Everytime I have an encounter with him or his fiance I ask myself, “What did I do to deserve this?” They are both insulting and critical of me and my life, which is funny because it really is none of their business. Sometimes I think their hatred and criticism of me is what bonds them. I wish he would wake up and let go of his pain so that we can co parent together. These days, it’s a war just to call and speak to them. I truly believe he wants me out of his life so that he can have the family he always wanted (without me).

    I used to want him back but then I grew up. I sincerely wish he would too. I have no control over this. ~sigh~ He is who he is.

  19. You know what, Ms. Tee? That “he is who he is” thought holds lots of potential!

    Potential to be liberating when it’s thought with the feeling of acceptance and giving up need for him to change.

    Could also have the potential to trap him when we “know who he is” and thus continue to elicit same behavior from him.

    But either way it’s all good. (This is making me realize that I “know” Russ is someone who isn’t going to do well with me sleeping in the guest bed night after night (to escape his snoring). With that knowing, I just get more of that from him. Maybe I could practice knowing he’s someone who has my best interests at heart and trusts me to do what’s best.) Hmm.

    And if he still has a fit, I can practice loving that about him. lol

    Sheesh, my exes are EASY compared to the men I still have to sleep with! lol (Yes, everyone, I see what I’m manifesting and also see the opportunity to shift my attitude. I’ll do a little rampage of appreciation on Russ and his snoring right now.) 🙂

  20. Tia says:

    Jeannette, you inspire me! I like to think I have grown up enough (in consciousness, love, strength and grace) to be a wonderful ‘ex’ partner!

    Used to be that the thought of my (last) ex being with anyone else would drive daggers into my heart. I have decided not to let that own me over the past few months and am now in a space of acceptance and unconditional love (I hope!). Have always been friends with my exes (yes I left) but the last one that I;m talking about (on, off, mutual ~ I left He didnt stop me, I think he probly wldv’e told me to go anyways…) has been the hardest to bring to an easy, friendly place.

    This is also the relationship that brought me to my knees and changed my life forever for which I am so grateful. My deepest learning has come from that and I have learnt so much through your blogging about relationships and would love to embody that love for my last ex too. Ok if someone can tell me a better word to use for ex, I will!

    AND I intend to cake my cakes and eat them all!!! I love the concept of an AND world. And fully ready to live in ANDness as opposed to ORness 🙂

    Thanks everyone for sharing your stories, much love to you all.

  21. Tia says:

    Arghh typos and spellings! Bake my Cakes 😉 Delicious yummy smelling and tasting cakes …mmm

  22. Oh my gosh, and we GROW with that, don’t we Tia?

    When you said: “has been the hardest to bring to an easy, friendly place” – to have that opportunity/challenge is SUCH a gift! We learn love in ways we wouldn’t have otherwise. We learn to love when it’s not easy, or even expected.

    What a gift!!

    When we’re TRULY heartbroken and abandoned and forsaken (he he – that thought just makes me laugh as if we really COULD be – in the bigger scheme of things, you know!) – but when we really FEEL that way – there’s SUCH HUGE opportunity to reconnect with love when it isn’t easy. THAT’S when we get to be Professional Lovers!!

    Thanks for great posts, Ms. Tee and Tia!!

  23. M* says:

    Thank’s Jeannette! I am actually in a relationship but we barely see each other because of distant and he is busy working.. (i just took a sabbatic year before university and he is already working in active live).. SO since i read your post (you will be surprised by what i will say) one question bugged me : WHY BE MONOGAMOUS? let’s have fun and share love with many people!! Ahah i know.. So i decided to act like your ex and declare that i want to have many dates with handsome funny men, now i-m waiting for the universe to bring it on 😉 Can’t wait.. we’ll see how it ends 🙂

  24. Oh, I like your style, my friend! Breaking a few rules and conventions usually does light me up! lol

    You know what he did, though, that contributed to his success – he didn’t wait for Universe to bring it – he started behaving as if it were a done deal already. He was buying chocolate for the nonexistent date (which is also how she found him)! lol

    (Reminds me of Ali saying “I’m the Biggest Loser” when she was getting kicked off the ranch!

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gL7NHw6qHLo

    I am already smiling at the thought of the emails you’ll send sharing details of your handsome funny men, M! Enjoy! 🙂

  25. Jessica Earl says:

    OMG Jeannette!! “THAT’S when we get to be Professional Lovers!!”

    Brought back a funny memory of when I was dating my now husband. We were talking about our jobs, how important it is to love what you do, etc. I sort of stuck my foot in my mouth in a totally hilarious way… I was saying how I am not that fulfilled at work, but it would be great to be paid for what I do best- love unconditionally. I could be a professional lover!

    We roared with laughter at the way it sounded… but true that I have a gift of loving unconditionally and it feels so natural that I should be paid to do it and of course I would LOVE too. Before I met my husband, I was starting to think that my purpose in life was to “love” the men in my life until they were ready to find their “true” loves. I mean, I just would help them to see who they were, and worthy, and and and… just by being “me”. It doesn’t work that way when you “try” to do it. I finally was “okay” with relationships ending because I could see how much each person grew and how well I just allowed it to just be a blossoming experience.

    Anyhow, it was funny when I read that!! how cool!!

    thanks!!

  26. So YOU’RE the original Professional Lover, Jessica! lol Nice to meet you!

    And THRILLED to be in your company.

    You should write a book! Or a guide. Or a how to of some sort. hee hee

    Thanks for posting, my friend!

  27. Tia says:

    Wow, as if to test whether I really meant all of the above, the Universe dropped in a little surprise. My ex just got back from a trip to Oz and has put up a few pix of him (on facebook) hugging hot girls, girls in bikinis on the beach etc.

    My 1st reaction was of shock and hurt and I’m sorry to say I shed a few tears and hated that he did that esp when I have been considerate enough (or so I thought) to keep pix of me and other men off so as not to hurt him!! Man I can be such a drama queen sometimes …

    I want to be okay with him and his shenanigans, ok with him playing the field, hooking up with other girls and posting pix – I want to be okay with it all cos what we had is in the past and we are just friends now and friends want their friends to be happy.

    And so as I think about this, I am SO proud of myself that I have turned it around within minutes!! I can now truly say I am happy that he is looking good, healthy and having a blast!! He deserves it!

    OMG is this what’s called unconditional love (even though I started from a place of fear, anger and indignation!?)

    The more I type, the better I feel. Just went and posted a nice comment on his album saying he looks great and Im glad he had such an awesome trip 🙂

    Thank you Universe for giving me the opportunity to practise what I preached and Thank you Jeannette, for helping me come to this place by modelling what a great ex gf one can be and that it really CAN be easy when we come from a place of love and wanting whats best for our loved ones!!

    I feel so …. liberated …. 🙂 🙂 🙂

  28. It IS just that, isn’t it, Tia?! Liberating!!

    It feels good to flow that love … even (especially) when it might not seem called for.

    Kudos to you, my friend! Thanks for sharing your process here. Very inspiring, as you always are!

  29. Leslie Richter says:

    I have no exes stories I just have a 27 year old relationship that I am working on to remain friendly. Lol feels like that is even more of a challenge to remain in a relationship that long and not have your energy emeshed or embroiled.

    Don’t kid yourself you are always working on unconditional love whether it’s a past relationship or a current one. The gift of past releationships is there is breathing space, current ones tend to be in your face and require more thinking on your feet.

    But the good news about unconditional love is that it is timeless. There is always a time and place for it.

    Love Leslie

  30. 100% agreed, my friend. (Loving my ex is SIMPLE. Russ, on the other hand, offers me more practice opportunities. he he)

    I LOVE how you said we are ALWAYS working on unconditional love, no matter the state of the relationship. “The gift of breathing space” – I can totally relate to that.

    And the timelessness of it … I have to say, I think this is my favorite post of yours of all time, Leslie. And that’s saying something!!!

    Brilliant words here! Thank you SO MUCH for sharing them!!!!

  31. Peregrine John says:

    Wow. You all are… well, words fail me (alert the media! yuk yuk yuk). Gems of wisdom all over the place, stories of how things work – or don’t – and what love means, totally unexpected but enormously enlightening new perspectives, truly frank admissions, wonderful risk-taking, on and on.

    Amazed; honored; grateful; something like that. There should be a word to describe how I feel about being here and gaining the benefit of all that, and the happiness you all bring me, and the love swelling and reaching out in return.

    How about this one: Thanks.

  32. And you know it’s all a mirror of yourself, right, my friend? Which makes you amazing and full of love, too – that you see it outside of you.

    Cool how that works, huh?

    Well, what’s cool is YOU. Thanks for being such an important part of this community, John. Much appreciated. 🙂

  33. Mariam says:

    Hello dear Jeannette!!

    I just wanted to give a quick news about how my perfect date went.. Ahah not only he was THE perfect date (me and my girlfriend were waiting for a friend to come so we could sit on the table we had made a reservation but he was late.., so a girl kindly proposed us to sit at her table(that NEVER happens!!) and i sat next to mr perfect and we talked for many hours and for the moment we had two awesome dates….) but he also had ALL the caracteristiks i asked for my perfect match!! Universe is crazy!! Merci Gracias Spasiba Thank’s Danke…………….. 😀 !!!!

    It is so wonderful Jeannette all the people you help with your knowledge and the passion that animates you! You rock!!

    With all my love,

    Mariam

  34. What a fabulous story to hear about, Mariam! Thank you so much for tuning back in to let us know how it went!

    I’m still smiling from the high energy you shared here. Much appreciated – and congratulations!! 🙂

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