Q&A: Can I Really Have What I Want (My Husband Back)?

April 28, 2009 | 68 Comments »

Oh boy, everyone – it’s official:

YOU ARE IN HIGH DEMAND!

Since the last Q&A post on getting a relationship where you responded with amazingly insightful, wise and compassionate support, I’ve been inundated with others wanting you to answer their questions as well!

Are you up for it again?!  I hope so!

This one comes from Tracy, who I fell in love with the first time I read her short note asking if she could ask a question.  She’s not just a sweetheart through and through, she’s also a law of attraction savvy creator who asks a (couple of) common and important manifesting questions.

Here’s Tracy:

Using the Law of Attraction you can be, do or have anything you want; and I believe that. But I have a few questions. Here’s a little background.  

 

What I want is for my husband to love me again. We’ve been together 23 years, 2 kids. Last August he told me he didn’t love me anymore.  I know I manifested this situation—I was totally out of alignment for about 6 months due to sickness and I was surrounded by 7 couples who were ending their marriage or at least thinking about it. I spoke with these people all the time and talked about it with my husband. So I know how I got to this place. But I thought Abraham said that if we manifest something we don’t want we can undo it. However, I’ve also heard them say (and others) that you can’t make someone feel something they don’t want to feel; that the Law of Attraction only works on yourself.

 

For the last 8 months I’ve been believing, expecting and visualizing that we’re together, very happy and in love.  I’ve been doing the 68 seconds, and the positive aspects and the affirmations. And I must be in alignment because the overwhelming feeling of joy I feel during these times is something I’ve never felt before, it’s incredible and wonderful. I can feel this way for days and days at a time. But nothing. And I’m not asking for him to instantly love me again, I’d be good with him just liking me for now. I know there is no time limit that you can put on something that you want. But Abraham says that once you’re in alignment with yourself and what you desire (which I believe I am because I can’t imagine feeling any better than what I feel right now. It’s an incredible natural high) that these things will start to rush in.

 

I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid to give up because it could be right there just about ready to manifest but at what point do I know that wanting this is not serving me? But what I want feels right and I’m so grateful for the pure state of joy I feel about everything in my life.

  

 

So here are my questions:

1. Can the Universe, Source or God override what you are wanting?  That they decide what is in your best interest, and how would you know?

 

2. When do you know to let go of what you’re wanting?

 

3. Explain alignment. How long do you have to be in alignment for something to happen? And when you aren’t in alignment, how far does it set you back, is it like starting over? And does my husband need to be in alignment for this is to happen?

Any guidance would be greatly appreciated.

Okay, Good Vibe Community … let’s hear your input for Tracy!  What words of wisdom, experiences or resources do you have to share?

Thanks in advance, and I’ll see you in the comments!

* * * * * * * *
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68 Responses to “ Q&A: Can I Really Have What I Want (My Husband Back)? ”

  1. There’s a great book I can recommend to you — The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis. Although she doesn’t explicitly say, “correct your vibration”, she does give a ton of tactical and practical ways to do exactly that.

    Bottom line: be the kind of person your husband CAN fall in love with — oh, and fall in love with yourself, too — and you will move your couple-energy into a new place.

    If he is a black/white thinker you may have a particularly difficult challenge, in that he may have “decided” who you are — and your job will be to show him who you really, authentically are RIGHT NOW. And who is that person? A person who loves him and who is incredibly lovable herself.

    Finally, biggest piece of advice: be willing to let it all go. Having the attitude that if your marriage is going to end, then it will allows you to be not-needy, not-desperate, not-clingy. Sometimes this is the most attractive thing a person in your situation’s got going for her! When you are confident, full of energy, full of fun and not-clingy — you are a walking dream, and I’ll bet your husband falls for you… hard.

    Good luck.

  2. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Tracy,

    First let me say I can feel your love for your husband in your words. 23 years is an admirable feat for a relationship, and you must have a deep, multi-faceted bond with your husband. I admire that you want to salvage and rebuild your bond with the man you love and have two children with.

    It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right! Envisioning what you want it to look like, raising your vibe sky high in imagining how it will feel to have your vision as if you have it now, and all the positive affirmations. Keep up the feeling good, because that will never steer you wrong.

    I am feeling your resistance in a couple of places:

    “But nothing” — despite all that effort your putting in, and all that feel good alignment, you’re wondering “where is my stuff!?”

    “And I’m not asking for him to instantly love me again, I’d be good with him just liking me for now.” — It’s perfect for you to want what you want, and not settle for less than the prize! Have you thought about little winks from the Universe telling you that you’re on the right track or that what you want is on the way? I’d love to hear about the hints that good things are happening for you, even outside of this context.

    In your questions, you are wondering how to allow and whether the U can tell you no.

    I believe that if you want something and you do the things you are doing, and you come from a place of already having what you want, releasing your attachment that will help with your alignment. Needing something, as you know, actually repels it.

    I’m a big believer in “instant Karma”, if you will. You can put yourself into a feel good place and get into alignment with something pretty quickly. Just look at examples of how quickly you manifested other great things in your life.

    Finally, I would say that as tough as it may sometimes seem, finding the perfection and the peace in what is now may help. What is the perfection in it? It may help to ask yourself what feeling having your husband’s love once again will give you. When you know that, then examine the many ways in which you already have that feeling in your life RIGHT NOW. That will help put you in a place of detachment and allowing, for the greater good of all involved.

    I wish the very best for you and all involved. You deserve the very best love. Remember to practice extreme self-care, showing yourself the love you deserve.

  3. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Oh, and Tracy, on my final point, if you have a tough time coming up with ways in which you already have that feeling, the create it! Like attracts like!

  4. Judy says:

    Hey Tracy!

    WOW, look what you’ve tapped into!

    “the overwhelming feeling of joy I feel during these times is something I’ve never felt before, it’s incredible and wonderful. I can feel this way for days and days at a time.”

    and

    “I can’t imagine feeling any better than what I feel right now. It’s an incredible natural high.”

    And this is NOTHING?

    I wonder if this belief keeps your attention directed toward what isn’t happening, and fuels your frustration/resistance/disappointment.

    Here are two questions you could ask yourself when ever you feel frustrated:

    “How might this situation be working in my favor to create the love I truly desire?”

    “How might I fully welcome the love I desire today?”

    w/ love, of course,
    Judy

  5. Great responses already, ladies!!

    If you’d like Tracy (or others with similar questions) to be able to track you down for more info or to inquire about formal work together, please feel free to include your email address or website or twitter handle or something!

    I know it’s in your link to your name already, but feel free to make it even easier. I promise to check the spam filter to make sure your posts get through!

    Plus, I’m still looking for a commentluv plugin that doesn’t slow this thing down. 🙂

  6. Terry says:

    I’m pretty sure it was in The Power of Positive Thinking (or maybe it was Positive Imaging) where the late pastor Norman Vincent Peale wrote about a woman whose husband told her he was going to leave her for another woman.

    She repeatedly visualized him sitting happily with her in their living room. He never did leave her and the other woman fell out of the picture altogether.

    I commend you for being so dedicated to your expecting, visualizing, etc. Michele makes a great point when she says be willing to let it all go. Being really joyful (as you are) during visualization periods is crucial, but it’s such peace of mind to say to yourself, “You know what? If this doesn’t work out the way I want it to, I’ll live.” It does make you more attractive.

    Furthermore, because you’re married, perhaps your husband doesn’t have much of a chance to miss you. He’s taking you for granted. (We all do it; it’s human nature, unfortunately.) Is it possible for you to go away with a couple of (happy)friends for a long weekend? Can you start a regular night out with the (happy) girls?

    It’s important to give him room to truly miss you and all the wonderful things you offer him. Have fun while you’re doing it!

    Thinking good thoughts for you.

    Thanks, Jeannette, for the opportunity to speak out!

  7. Leslie Richter says:

    I think it is more empowering if we can be very clear with what we want without hooking into another. I believe as soon as we put another in the equation we are creating in their space and putting up resistance and conditions.

    There is an incredible deepening and magnificance with your journey, Tracy. Seven couples that were breaking up and that you were energetically apart of. Were you giving yourself strength and insight?

    We know it requires great strength to grow and evolve and become more conscious with each step. This is why we are here to support one another.

    I have come to believe that what we create and manifest is never a mistake. That an awakening and a deepening has been the inner call. Living is a constant tweaking and a magic event. And sometimes our wizard hat feels a bit ashew but really does that matter, usually that’s when we manifest the big stuff.

    Love Leslie

  8. Daria says:

    Tracy…

    I would like to recommend to you http://www.havetherelationshipyouwant.com

    There you can find a lot of help and even a blog that I comment on frequently on situations like yours… the woman who wrote it was in a situation like yours and turned it around… fast!

    Sometimes our doing “too much” is actually pushing a man away.

    This is an awesome resource and the e-book she has is the foundation for her materials. It has been life changing for me.

    Are you perhaps overdoing it on the “love” for your husband? Are you doing everything for him? Are you initiating contact? This can energetically “push” a man away by taking over the masculine energy in the relationship…

  9. Tracy, you’ve got some wonderful responses here. And what thought provoking questions you have asked! I’ve had a similar situation (minus the marriage and 21 years!)
    where all I wanted was for this one man to love me again the way he used to.

    Underlying mine was the fear of losing love and being alone and having to find someone else which was not something I wanted. It didn’t work out like I wanted but I’m a happier person today than I ever was. That’s my story though, let’s talk about you now.

    “joy I feel during these times is something I’ve never felt before, it’s incredible and wonderful. I can feel this way for days and days at a time. But nothing.”””

    – Really? Nothing? What is this then – the love and joy?

    Abraham also say that what matters is how we feel, that is always at the core of what we want. Want a man = what we really want is love, security, companionship etc

    What I get is that by visualising you’re in a beautiful place of love and ultimately that’s why we want to be with someone right, for how we feel when we are with them.

    You are SUCH a powerful manifestor in that you have gotten what you really want – LOVE! Even if you are giving it to yourself. Don’t be attached to where it comes from..

    This sense of love and joy you have appears is incongruent with “Not asking for him to instantly love me again, I’d be good with him just liking me for now.”

    Tracy, again, really? You’d be happy with him just liking you? You deserve the best, you deserve LOVE, someone who loves you as much as you love them.

    Whether he loves you back someday is not the main point here – what you think you deserve is.

    Yes, you had that love but love doesn’t vanish instantly in 7 months after 23 years of marriage.

    I’m curious – You say you know how you got to this place. Could there have been something during those 7 months that led you to question your relationship and see a future without?

    And could it be that you don’t want to think about that again / face a different future and hence are focusing on getting that love back instead?

    Just something to think about. I could be way off track but I’m going with the sense of something underlying cos it feels like there is more to this story than we know.

    Ultimately you can’t make anyone love you back. You can love yourself and he may end up falling for you all over again … and then what if you decide that wasn’t what you wanted after all?

    What if the Universe has other plans for you?

    What if by insisting on the love of one man, you are closing the door to whatever exciting and new
    opportunities are ahead?

    We don’t know the bigger plan, what growth and adventures await us, a bigger purpose.

    Suffice to say, definitely keep visualising as that is bringing you to a wonderful joyous place where miracles are occur. Just stay open to however this love manifests in your life. How we feel is the most important thing and you’re doing a fabulous job of that it seems!

    Tia

  10. Ha Iyabo! Looks like we were both writing at the same time, lol. Love when that happens 🙂

  11. I’m feeling lots of love for you, Tracy, and am impressed with how well you understand attraction! And I’m wondering …

    When we “feel good” with an agenda, that might not work out so great, huh?

    Like, I’m doing THIS (feeling good) in order to get THAT (thing/person I want).

    That’s attachment, isn’t it?

    That’s string’s tied.

    Universe feels that resistance in it. (And then it can only resist you.)

    When you allow him to walk away and feel however he feels, I think that’ll do wonders all around. Wonders for your relationship with him, wonders for yourself, wonders for him, too (because he won’t be feeling this attached energy – aka “love” – flowing towards him).

    I was just writing up a blog post on “need” this morning (to be posted tonight, I think) and I’m not sure, but I think that might be getting in your way here.

    However you think you’ll feel when he comes back to you, give yourself that gift now. Without conditioning it on him. Don’t make him responsible for you feeling it – give it to yourself. Whether it’s loved, adored, appreciated, supported, desired, whatever … find ways to feel that way now.

    Without needing it from him.

    When that attachment is gone, things will move swiftly. And since you’ll already have what you REALLY wanted (a feeling, not a person or an outcome), you’ll be well positioned to enjoy the very best of what Universe delivers.

    And I realize I haven’t even answered your questions:

    1) no, you can’t be overriden. In my opinion, you ARE God; you ARE (part of) Universe. You’re calling the shots (from a perspective you may or may not be totally conscious/aware of).

    2) I don’t think you need to let go of what you’re wanting as much as you might want to get more clear about what that really is. But yes, detachment IS key to getting what we want. (More on that in the next post.)

    3) You won’t lose ground in the “alignment” you’ve already created/felt. But it will feel even better when you do it without an agenda.

    Loving the responses and resources you’ve attracted to yourself, Tracy! And thanks to everyone for contributing!

  12. Alexis says:

    Hi Tracy,

    The other day while walking down the street I lost an earring. Just last night while coming home from dinner, I lost yet another earring.

    It might seem coincidental, except I’ve not lost an earring in forever. Earrings never, ever, ever fall out of my ears. So losing two gorgeous earrings in less than a week clearly felt like a sign from the Universe.

    I believe I understand what the loss means, but that’s besides the point.

    What I want to emphasize is that the Universe is ALWAYS giving us signs as to the direction that our lives are about to take.

    When I think about all the major changes that have taken place in my life, there was always some random hint that I chose to ignore. I like to think that they came out of the clear blue sky, but in my heart, I really did see it coming.

    When I read that you were surrounded by 7 couples who were ending their relationships, I intuitively felt like the Universe might’ve been giving you a sign.

    Now that’s not to say that your relationship is done. But it really looks like this separation is something that was meant to be for a reason.

    As far as what you can do to get him back? Be willing to move on. Even if you’re aching inside, pretend that you can do it and simply let it go. As harsh as it may sound, no more visualizing.

    I had a guy who I fawned over for many years. I was so in love, it was unreal. He was totally in love, but he wouldn’t commit.

    Only when I decided to let it all go did he come around. It seemed like dynamics of everything shifted when I released that attachment. (BTW, I never went back to him, and I met some incredibly fantastic guys along my dating journey.)

    I wish you strength. I know this is tough journey, but you can and will make it.

  13. Well said, Alexis. Wise words coming from a space of love, I can tell. I liked this especially in response to the question what to do to get him back?: “Be willing to move on.”

    Hey, someone on twitter said the other day something like, “Love is unconditional. Relationships are not.”

    Byron Katie says everyone loves everyone, they just don’t know it yet.

    I’m thinking your hubby’s love, Tracy, is a given. No need to want or wish for it – it’s already a permanently done deal.

    The relationship, on the other hand … that’s where some cool things could be happening.

  14. Hello Tracy, you’ve got a lot of wise comments and inspiration already, so I’ll just like to add a few things.

    When reading your (beautiful) words I get the feeling that you really love your husband and that you really want him to love you again. I also get the feeling that this “want” maybe is not so much as in “I would really like him to” as it is “I need him to”. It’s my experience that when we “need” something to happen it can’t manifest, so if you could find a way to release attachment I think it would help you. I sometimes do this by adding “I would really like this to happen or something even better”.

    You ask if “the Universe, Source or God can override what you are wanting? That they decide what is in your best interest, and how would you know? ” – I don’t think so, but I do believe that sometimes we want things that are in conflict with each other. And sometimes the meaning of what is happeing is not evident until later.

    And then you ask about alignment. I believe that the most important thing to remember in this connection is that its supposed to feel easy and light and fun.

    Love
    //Pernille
    http://www.centerforlivskvalitet.dk (in Danish)
    pernille@centerforlivskvalitet.dk

  15. Susan says:

    Hi Tracy,
    I know how you feel as I am in exactly the same place as you ! I too want my husband back. All I can say to you is carry on with what you are doing and try to accept that the universe will know the best time for a reunion. I wanted my husband back as soon as he had left but I have come to realise that there were lessons to be learned from our separation.
    Be aware of any signs that what you want is on it’s way to you. For instance, five times in the last four weeks I have been told, in conversations with different people, about men leaving their girlfriends to return to their wives, the exact thing I want to manifest! As you can imagine my vibrations were raised sky high!
    Any time I’m feeling not so positive I watch Esther and Abraham on Youtube. Works for me every time.
    Keep on believeing, We can do it .
    P.S. This post has come at just the right time for me too.
    The Universe Rocks !!!!

  16. Good point, Susan! Let’s just get back to feeling good, huh?! Whatever does that for us!

    Good point indeed. 🙂

  17. Hey Tracy,

    Wow, what tremendous nuggets of wisdom being offered here! I just wanted to make one thing explicit that lots of these fabulous commentors have alluded to.

    It seems that you have gotten attached to *how* this love that you want is going to show up. You want your husband to love you again, but we want specific things because of the feelings we believe those things will give us. So, tell me where I’m wrong, what you’re really wanting is that *feeling* of love you had with your husband. It seems like the Universe is already delivering that feeling to you as you visualize and I think if you let go of the how, the feeling will show up more and more.

    When you understand that it’s really you creating the feeling and not the other, your feeling-state is never contingent upon anyone else–I find coming from this place makes you a kickass partner and creates an amazing love vibe.

    All the best to you Tracy!
    Bridgette Boudreau

  18. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Iyabo – I love the “mind your own business” piece of your advice. It’s a healthy reminder to all of us when we are imposing our creation on others or wanting to create for two. We are co-creators. When we want our partner to do something, it can be helpful to ask, “I am doing that?” I always say don’t ask someone to do that which you will not do. Another wise relationship coach I know taught me, “It’s always about you, it’s never about them.”

  19. It’s me again … I just wanted to leave you with some powerful questions that will help you get really clear about stuff.

    1) What do you really, truly want?
    2) What about this is important to you?
    3) What is the opportunity here? The Challenge?
    4) What part of this situation haven’t you explored yet?
    5) What are other possibilities / options?

  20. Hi Jeannette, lots of wise answers here 🙂

    I just submitted (or tried to submit) a comment a moment ago and added my website and my mailadress at the end as you suggested – and the comment seems to have disappeard!

    Well, I can see that while I was writing about “need” and attachment, so were you and others, so my comments are covered elsewhere, but could it be the “links” that made it disappear?

    Love
    //Pernille

  21. The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Have you thought about the fact that this may not be about you?

    First of all, I want to commend you for your honesty. I promise you this: You are going to get what you really, really, really want. I know that because your energy is very honest and you take stock of yourself and you are so open and you desire to manage your vibration.

    However, what you really, really, really want is not your husband. It is your beloved.

    I love what you said about stirring that old pot of bad marriage woes with your friends and how that affected your vibe. Such wisdom on your part. I also love that you talked about being sick and how that affected your vibe.

    If you are in a great place right now with your vibe then you have fixed all that. You are soaring.

    The reality is that is sounds to me that the one with the problem is your husband. When someone tells you they no longer love you and you question if they even like you and they are married to you, then he has the problem.

    You see when a man no longer loves his wife or vice versa, the issue is that he is no longer seeing life through the lens of love. He has made that choice. Now, if you want to manipulate him into making a different choice, that will contaminate your own vibe.

    It is his choice to love you or like you. You are not responsible for his vibe.

    Could you please give yourself a break! You said that you totally manifested this situation – no way!

    You could have been talking about divorce from the standpoint that it may be a positive thing. You may have been sick to have some down time to regather.

    You are being ridiculously hard on yourself by saying that you totally manifested the situation.

    He is a co-creator in the situation as well.

    Furthermore, you believing that you totally manifested the situation all on your own, tells me that your vibe is kinked. Your vibe of blaming yourself and taking all the responsibility and letting others off the hook……… Nah! Nah! Nah!

    Regroup darling. Regroup.

    You are not entirely responsible for the relationship between you and him. Taking full responsibility like you have done, makes him a non-participant in the relationship! Do you see that? You are already overriding him by taking the blame!

    Feeling a need to be the one to fill up the space between you and him means you are not putting a boundary on you.

    Now, on to the good part.

    I know you can handle what I just said and although it may sound painful, you asked the questions and I want to give you the best possible answer.

    1. You are wise and wonderful. You are an amazing woman. Your writing above tells me all this.

    2. Forgive yourself. Across the board.

    3. Enjoy you and you alone. Be in this space of how wonderful you are and enjoy yourself.

    4. Write out all the qualities that you want in your beloved. Not your current husband, but your beloved.

    5. Mediate and call to your beloved from this place of wonderment.

    This is how you get your Inner Genius working.

    6. Let go of all attachments and expectations. Let go of the fact that you want your beloved to look and behave like your husband used to. This is a great time for you to learn to release attachment and what that beloved looks like.

    7. Mind your business. Do not be surprised if your beloved does show up as your husband. Let go of needing your husband to like you or love you. Whether or not he likes or loves you is his business. Your business is to like him and love him with no attachments. Are you indeed minding your own business?

    8. Accept cyber hugs and lots of love from all of us. Use it to amp up your vibe.

    Answers to your questions:

    1. Just ask the Universe for what you want and add to it that you want your relationship with your husband to be loving and wonderful again, “OR SOMETHING BETTER THAT IS IN YOUR BEST OR HIGHEST GOOD AND FOR ALL PARTIES INVOLVED AS WELL!”

    2. When you want something, the wanting is an acknowledgment of what you want, not a lustful permanent yearning of what you want. So letting go is always part of the equation from when your want is created. It sounds to me that it would serve you to spend more time figuring out what letting go means. It sounds like it means you are losing something to you but I challenge you on that. Letting go is about not needing whatever it is. It is about allow a partnership to naturally form.

    3. Alignment is a constant goal. We are all in alignment but the sheer act of being human gets us out of alignment all the time. It is not a place you arrive to. It is a moment by moment tweaking that we engage in joyfully to connect with our highest selves. So just enjoy tweaking your vibration on an ongoing basis.

    When you are enjoying perfect alignment, it corrects all ills that are not working for you. But to be in perfect alignment, you have to allow, which means releasing attachment.

    I embrace you with a lot of love and tenderness and respect for seeking out information that will help you grow and improve your vibe.

    Lots of love and tenderness surrounds you.

    Hugs

    Iyabo Asani

  22. The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Thanks for allowing us to put our info with our posts Jeanette.

    Mine is:

    CoachIyabo on Twitter and
    http://www.InnerGeniusCoach.com

  23. You said a couple of important and helpful things to remember, Pernille:

    “sometimes we want things that are in conflict with each other. And sometimes the meaning of what is happening is not evident until later.”

    Just wanted to put a spotlight on that wisdom! Thanks for it!

  24. Lisa says:

    I always tell my clients to write a description of the perfect relationship. Everything you ever dreamed of. Romance – check. Hot sex – check. Affection – check. Honesty and intimacy – check. Whatever your heart desires. The really good news about law of attraction is you can have all that.

    The real question – the gut honest – super serious question is this. Do you want that dream relationship and wonderful life, or do you want that man more??? Seriously. Which do you want more???

    You can’t create for your husband. However, you are 100% in charge of your vibe, your life, and your future. Focus on the life of your dreams. For God sake, stop blaming yourself or anyone else and know in your heart for sure, that you can create a magical future.

    When you have shifted your vibe to the life of your dreams your husband might just get on board – he might not. Honestly, Hun, it doesn’t matter. You can have everything you want in your life.

    Here’s the good and the bad news…. It really might not be your husband, but if you stay focused on all those things you want for your romantic life, Source will line that up for you – for sure. It’s your best shot for injecting new life in your marriage. It will put you in a much sexier, mush more attractive place.

    In the end though – this is your life, your dreams, your wants and needs. It’s your Rodeo. It’s not about him.

  25. MissyB says:

    Everybody has written sooooo much to help here.
    I say just let go and go with the flow. And that’s certainly not a give up on him statement. What I mean is do what we need to do to feel good and then relax knowing the best outcome will come when we are ready. We can all be guilty of trying too hard, especially when you see your relationship slipping through your fingers. The more you try to stop it, the more it seems to slip away. Well it does for me anyway.
    Work on feeling good, and the rest which is best (whatever that is) will be sure to follow.

  26. Took a little side trip to the ER just now (13 year old daughter broke her finger catching a football in PE — and we giggled thru the whole thing! New catchphrase for her: “It’s my old football injury flaring up!”).

    Anyhoo, lots of great stuff here. I just want to say that one person can indeed change the nature and tone of a two person relationship. You can’t change HIM, but you can change how you relate/react to him and consciously shift into treating him exactly how you would like to be treated. Do it not to “win him back” but because it’s creating the kind of place you’d like to dwell — and at the bare minimum you will have created something wonderful. For yourself. And if he benefits and then the relationship benefits, then all the better.

    Be an observer of what works — and do more of that. Be an observer of what doesn’t work — and do less of that.

    As my old friends in a divorce support forum used to say, “You may or may not save your marriage, but you will definitely save yourself.”

  27. I have to say, Michele, if everyone followed this wisdom, coaches might not be in business:

    “Be an observer of what works — and do more of that. Be an observer of what doesn’t work — and do less of that.”

    Brilliantly simple! Thanks for posting it here!

  28. Lianne says:

    Hi Tracy,

    If you’re not too overwhelmed at this point with all of this amazing advice and insight, I’m going to offer you some of my heartspace because I have been exactly where you are – my husband said those exact same words to me. I have a good idea of where your headspace and heartspace are at.

    I want to add the caveat that I am not a LOA expert in any way, and what I am sharing is just building on all the previous posts.

    I think you need to get deeper about what you want. You say you want your husband to love you – but I think that is coming from your headspace. I believe if you go deeper into your heartspace you may find that your desire is more along the lines of “I want to be beloved.”

    And that is something you can work with. If you have read “Eat Pray Love”, you will remember Elizabeth’s first stop was Italy. Where she could do what I call “loving yourself back into life”. She says of her time there,” I thought of my time in Italy as romancing myself the way I had always wanted somebody to do for me. I was like, I’m going to be the best boyfriend in the world. I’m going to take you to Italy, I’m going to spoil you. I’m going to let you eat whatever you want and tell you how beautiful you are and comfort you when you are sad. It’s a radical idea that we can provide this for ourselves.”

    For me, the key was to get clear about my intentions, and let my actions flow from joyful intentions. I read a number of relationship books, like the Weiner-Davis book mentioned above, but *for me* they were all too prescriptive about acting a certain way to intice your man back. I could not do that cleanly – for me that was coming from a place of control and/or manipulation. I would catch myself doing things recommended in these books with an underlying hope that “this will bring him back.” Whether it was being “not-needy” or “not-clingy” I was still acting that way from a place of clingy and needy, if you know what I mean. In your case you are doing the same with your LOA work.

    So I dropped all prescriptions and pretensions, and opted to just get really clear that I was going to treat myself like the beloved, and also act from a place of love, not fear. What Martha Beck calls “Core of Peace”. If I found myslef slipping into a fearful, grasping place, I would gently and compassionately bring myself back to a place of love. I could take action from that place without worrying if this was the “right” thing to do save my relationship. The intention became more important than the outcome. I would say to myself as a little mantra, “You are beloved” – and that usually would bring me back from the fog to the clarity of what I wanted to co-create with the universe. Right now, you are not clear. You say you want you husband to love you, but that you’ll settle for him liking you. That is the opposite of clear. That is muddled thinking.

    For me, it wasn’t about my husband at all and focusing on him or trying to figure him out would have taken away from relationship I was developing with myself, as cliche as that sounds.

    The Work of Byron Katie was indespensible for me in this process of getting clarity and giving up attachment. If you are not familiar with it, part of it involves turning around your original belief. Your statement **What I want is for my husband to love me again.** may become **What I want is for me to love me again.**

    Having been there, I believe that is the truer statement, and I believe if you can live from that understanding, your life will be transformed.

    I wish you all the best, sweetie – believe me, I know what a crazy web you’re caught in right now. Much love to you.

  29. Yeah, these two don’t go hand in hand, do they Janette? (When you said: “how can she be feeling true joy at the same time as needing her husband to love her?”)

    I am laughing out loud at you in your canoe with the flippers!! Hilarious!!

    Gosh you a bring a beautiful energy to this space! Thank you for that, my friend!

  30. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Janette, that was so nice, and you don’t have to wonder if there are more than one of you paddling like Fred Flintstone under the canoe. 😉 When Jeannette said “you’re feeling good with an agenda” that hit home. 😉 Just feel good to feel good, and I agree with Lianne about the “I want me to love me again” work. Give yourself what you want most and give others what you want most.

  31. Nancy says:

    I remember a dream fragment from two nights ago that floats in and out.

    I ran to the airport to catch an old flame as he was passing through and gave him a big hug and kiss. There was no reaction; I was ignored.

    With disbelief, disappointment, anger and worried that other people might see the rebuff, I took a few steps back. THEN I felt the bubbling up joy that came from loving him and thought … That is what counts, that is what feels good, the expression of loving. So what if I’m not loved back? Love with no expectation of return.

    This dream was the 2 second Cliff Notes version of what it took nearly a decade to realize while I was “awake”.

    When we really know what beautiful beings we are and someone that is disconnected from the truth tries to tell us that we aren’t by disapproving of us or not liking us… it can be disorienting and we don’t always remember what we KNOW. If we work from the beauty of what we KNOW and are true to ourselves, the outcome is good. Whatever it is.

    All my best wishes to you, Tracy.

  32. Tracy-

    Let me say that you’ve done a fabulous job cleaning up your vibration around this whole thing and I’m so glad you’ve received the gift of joy that comes along with that!

    So much has already been said- so I’d like to share just a couple of thoughts with you.

    First, I have a friend who channels Abraham and I’ve spent many fine hours learning from him, several spent on behalf of a friend with a similar problem- essentially how to get a man to treat you the way you want to be treated.

    Abraham’s bottom line about it seemed to be: Hold your vibration in tune with what you want, not focusing on what you DON’T want- and 1 of 2 things will happen:
    a) either the guy will start being the guy you want him to be,
    or b) he won’t and the relationship will fall away.

    My friend didn’t need to make a “choice”- she simply had to hold the vibration and the matter would resolve itself one way or the other.

    Indeed, my friend noticed that when she kept her vibration pure- in love- that her boyfriend’s behavior did shift positively toward how she wishes to be treated…but when she slipped, it was back to the same old ugliness.

    Finally, as a friend, I had to ask: Did she want to be with a man that took so much hard work on her part for him to be what she needed? Or did she desire to find a man who already was that guy that made her heart swell- naturally, easily, effortlessly???

    Why keep pushing that heavy boulder up a hill, and keep falling down, when, with the right person, it didn’t have to be so hard???

    (Of course that comment assumes that the person has done enough of their own work so as not to be the majority of the problem in the first place!!! Which all the work you’ve done and the joy you now feel seems to be evidence of!)

    So- that’s just a viewpoint to consider. And of course, it’s different when considering a long term marriage versus a boyfriend of a year! BTW- if you’d like to get some personal LOA guidance from the “source,” I can hook you up with my Abraham channeling friend, just email me at drjenn@mysoulmatesolution.com.

    Second, you asked if the Universe can override your wishes. I’m not so sure about that, but what I do believe is that we signed up to experience certain situations, to meet certain people, at certain times in our lives- so that we could impart to each other gifts and lessons. Once those lessons are absorbed- sometimes it’s time to move on.

    Sonia Choquette, a popular psychic has written in one of her books: “If something collapses, it’s because it’s outlived it’s usefulness.” I do believe that at times, certain relationships HAVE outlived their original purpose. We’ve learned the lesson, we’ve done our growth, we’ve lived up to our agreement, and then the time comes to move onto the next phase of our growing.

    I’m not saying that is definitely true here- but it is something to at least ponder. I’m quite certain that each of us has several such “soulmates” in a lifetime. And it’s possible, that the doorway is opening to the next one.

    Either way, I trust that the beautiful love you deserve will be yours again- with your husband, or with a gorgeous new soulmate. Continue to KNOW that, and it will be so.

    I support you in that vision of the love you deserve!
    Dr. Jenn

  33. Janette says:

    Hi Tracy – like Liane, I’m not an expert, let’s say just an enthusiastic amateur and student. 🙂

    I want to thank you because your question has shone a spotlight on my own LOA work at the moment, about a completely different area of my life. But I have been doing the same thing that I think you are at the moment, and that is feeling the joy in order to achieve an outcome; not for the sake of the joy itself. Oh boy, do I hear ya!

    When I first read your question, I thought “how can she be feeling true joy at the same time as needing her husband to love her?”. I thought you must have some sense of how conflicted this would feel, that you might be aware deep down that your need is still going to hold you back.

    And then I realised.. clunk… this is what I’m doing too. And it’s seductively easy to do. I’ve been telling myself “okay, whoo hoo, NOW I’m feeling the joy…. but hey, where’s my result? C’mon Universe, whatcha playing at? Darn, I must be doing it wrong…” You get the picture.

    So Tracy, thank you thank you thank you for this gift – because every single bit of advice you’ve been offered by these generous and wonderful spirits is now available to all the rest of us who are still secretly paddling our way upstream. (I just had the mental image of myself in my canoe, sitting in the Stream of Well-Being – I’ve let go the oars but under the surface I have a pair of flippers poking out through the bottom, Fred Flintstone style – yikes!…)

    I wish you all the relief of pure, unadulterated, unattached joy and I know you will get it. I reckon you could start by just savouring all the love pouring to you through this great blog!

  34. Jessica says:

    I’m loving these question/answer posts. As a newbie, I don’t really have anything to add, but Jeannette, your saying, “I’m thinking your hubby’s love, Tracy, is a given. No need to want or wish for it – it’s already a permanently done deal” made me wince, both in a good way and an uncomfortable one. For some reason yesterday and today I’ve been really wrestling with love and feeling loved and that was exactly what I needed to read today–it’s already a permanently done deal. (Obviously, not with Tracey’s hubby ;-).)

    Thank you very, very much, everyone for being so open and generous with your thoughts.

  35. Yeah, Jessica, I believe we rendezvous with significant others that we’re connected to in ways that those bonds could never be at risk.

    That doesn’t always seem really obvious when they’re acting in certain ways or saying certain things.

    BUT, I also believe we say and do some of those things because we think we HAVE to in order to do what’s calling us next.

    For example, how could my husband have divorced me if he were making his love for me really clear and obvious? I wouldn’t have understood the need for a divorce. But when he’s obviously miserable, then okay, I get it. I may not LIKE it, but I get it. (And trust me – that divorce was a beautiful thing in retrospect! I don’t say that out of bitterness, but out of thankfulness for all the other amazing men I got to spend time with as an unmarried girl!)

    And I think sometimes we (subconsciously) take on “miserable” or “upset” or whatever feels appropriate in order to facilitate the changes we feel coming. Like, I want to change careers, so I start to make this current one “wrong” in order to justify taking the risk of starting a new one. So for a while all I do is complain about my job, not realizing I don’t have to be unhappy in order to create change.

    Because the truth is I can leave my lover (or my job) without ending my love for him (or it). In fact, that’s what real love is anyway, right? It doesn’t stop.

    Which … all this makes me wonder if I mistitled this blog post question. Because Tracy didn’t say she wanted her husband back; she said she wanted him to love her.

    And I thought, “how do you know he doesn’t?” Even if he says he doesn’t, that doesn’t mean anything. The same way it doesn’t necessarily mean anything if he said he DID.

    We misrepresent ourselves and our feelings a LOT for a wide variety of reasons. (Like pretending not to be nervous when we’re interviewing, or pretending not to be mad when the boss treats us badly, or pretending not to be head over heels in love with our best friend’s husband, etc.)

    I’m just saying after 23 years in with someone, there isn’t any way you COULDN’T love them. Not saying there wouldn’t potentially be other feelings present as well, (I might hate Russ as much as I love him in two more decades) but … the love is definitely there. Maybe it’s not passion, maybe it’s not important enough to center a life around, but it’s there. That’s not questionable.

    Sorry for rambling. !!

  36. Nancy says:

    Sometimes when someone says “love me again” or “love me” there is a grasping quality to that thought that makes freedom loving individuals turn and run.

  37. How did you all become so wise?!

    And why didn’t I tap into this pool of wisdom a long time ago?!

    You are all fabulous!!

  38. susan says:

    I could be wrong…..’love me again’ is going back including the time of being out of alignment. Could it be that the manifestation is to love you now without reference to the past. Instead of again – in the present, the now.

  39. Tracy-
    What would happen if you made the request and visualization more generic? Not your husband, but someone who met your requirements for love?

    I’m wondering if that joy you feel is self-love, the love of who you are when you are fully-appreciated?

    I’d try taking a step back and saying to the universe- I set the intention for deep, fulfilling love with a wonderful man.

    Perhaps it will be your husband. Perhaps it will be someone else. That’s okay.

    Your question reminded me of this poem by Derek Walcott

    Love After Love

    The time will come
    when, with elation
    you will greet yourself arriving
    at your own door, in your own mirror
    and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

    and say, sit here. Eat.
    You will love again the stranger who was your self.
    Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
    to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

    all your life, whom you ignored
    for another, who knows you by heart.
    Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

    the photographs, the desperate notes,
    peel your own image from the mirror.
    Sit. Feast on your life.

  40. What you think you want and what’s best are often not in agreement.
    What the Universe see for you and what you can vision – guess who see farther, brighter, bigger?
    Right.
    Let go. It’s okay. You’re loved.

  41. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    In reality, we all are a piece of the U. We’re tapped into it, we are Source energy. When you are in alignment with your inner self and you tap into the goodness within, you are the only one, ultimately, who knows what is best for you. Tracy, you are absolutely wise and you deserve the love that you want. You can have it now. Give it to yourself.

  42. Oh, Dana! I love this: “…we all are a piece of the U.” Which could also be written: “…we all are a piece of the YOU.” Tracy, we are you, and you are us. That whole connected deal. Which makes your joy and happiness OUR joy and happiness. Which means you are totally, 100% loved by the us that is you. Gets me all tingly.

    Go at it, girl. Be in the flow and allow. And make sure to let everyone know how things go.

  43. Just got a note from Tracy:

    “Holy cow. I wish I had been on all day monitoring. I have so much to say, and I’ve only read 5 or 6. Thanks Jeannette for this great opportunity.”

    I’m saying the same thing (as Tracy’s “holy cow”) and feeling the tinglyness Michele mentioned above!

    You guys rock. Thanks for contributing, everyone! And keep ’em coming as you feel inspired to share, please! 🙂

  44. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Michelle,

    Nice flip! And so true. Really, I’m gonna sound corny here, it’s all about love. It all comes from love. It’s all love. Interchange that with Source. Interchange it with Energy. We are all tapped into it, because we’re all part of it, and we’re all connected. There’s no end to the love we all collectively have to give and to shower on each other and ourselves. As Jeannette, I think, mentioned, we all love each other but we just don’t know it yet. What do you think is the depth of the love we are capable of for ourselves? Wouldn’t it be nice to explore that? Now I’m tingly…

  45. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Michele…no edit button. 😉

  46. Sugandhi Iyer says:

    Regarding Tracy’s question.

    Yes Tracy, it is possible for your husband to fall in love with you again. One of my clients’ lost her husband’s love ten years ago and they just kind of lived together, and he fell back in love with her in a month of LOA coaching.

    Follow everyone’s advise, and be happy. And know that anything is possible.

    Love
    Sugandhi Iyer
    http://www.lifebusinesscreations.com

  47. Kim Falconer says:

    Tracy,

    I used to care very much who loved me and whom I was with. It seemed that the ‘story’ of love was vital. It seemed to me that it was what counted. It was everything!

    Now I have found that the story is nothing–we can make that up anytime we want. The opening of the heart and the capacity to love is what has made my relationships golden–not longevity, not story, not promise, not behavior or control. Not even reciprocation.

    I wake up every morning and ask the universe to bask with me in love and we do–with nature, with the elements, with men … I bask more and more each day. If I was still trying to control other people, I don’t think I would have a fraction of the love and enlightenment that I do now. It’s a whole other world here!

    Still, Tracy, I totally understand your desires. Why not try out ‘forgetting’ the story of love for a week, or two or three. You can always go back to the story of ‘I want him to love me’ if you prefer. Test the water though, the water of love without agenda. You might be very surprised. I was 🙂

    And the story of a love is not
    important – what is important is that one is
    capable of love.
    It is perhaps the only glimpse we are permitted of eternity.

    — Helen Hayes

    Basking in Love,
    Kim 🙂

  48. MSNikki says:

    Tracy!
    You definitely have attracted such wonderful love and advice from Jeanette’s LOA-a-teers! It was awesome reading all of the pearls of LOA wisdom out there~I am going to take some of it as well!
    I contemplated your question during my hike this morning. I am wondering if this is the U’s way of allowing both of you the freedom and courage to have different experiences, people, paths, etc? The LOA work you have been doing sounds wonderful but what if the U has even better plans than what you can currently envision?

  49. OK, this has to be my final post because I am starting to write a new book and the words need to go there, rather than here… 🙂

    Writer Henri Nouwen defined love as “making a safe place for another person to be fully himself.”

    If you accept that definition, then you can love without clingyness — because you are simply making a safe place for another person to be fully himself. You can make a safe place for your husband to be pissed off at you, or at his own midlife moment, or whatever.

    Under this definition, I can make a safe place for another person to be mentally ill. And I can make a safe place for myself if someone wishes to inflict harm upon me.

    When I make a safe place for others to be fully themselves, I can walk the world loving everyone. Which is, by my reckoning, the spiritual place to be.

    Jeannette, you know I am your big nearly-a-stalker fan — and let me say that by making this blog a safe place, you are creating something extraordinarily special for all of us.

  50. Tracy says:

    Wow, I don’t even know where to start. You are an amazing group of people. Thank you so much for the love and support and recommendations and guidance. I’m completely overwhelmed; I loved every comment, every single one. You all gave me so much to think about. What a support group, I love you guys. And thanks Jeannette for posting my question to your network of fabulous friends. This being posted now is happening at the perfect time for me because today is my anniversary and I have to say I was feeling a little sad knowing that there would probably be no acknowledgement of it. But you all have saved the day. I just keep thinking WOW—I needed love and I got it. Thank you so much.

    Only a few people know about my situation. Even though I have lots of friends who would support me I just didn’t want it out there in the Universe. I didn’t want to talk about it, dwell on it or be sad about it. I wanted to deal with it in my own way. And I don’t mind saying I’ve done a great job.

    It hasn’t always been this way but I am at peace with where I am right now. I know that feeling the joy of being in alignment is something I can always have no matter what. I have recently “let go” of my desire to have my husband love me again because I did read somewhere that maybe everything I was doing was putting me in a place of resistance. It’s only been a week since doing this but I feel good about it and I feel that he feels better that he doesn’t feel me loving him, that he doesn’t feel the pressure.

    I want you to know that I personally have never felt better about my life or myself. I’m a better mother, a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend and a better wife. I’ve grown so much in the last 8 months. I know this will be one of the best things that has ever happened to me; I see the good in, no doubt about it. This time last year I was out of control personally. I didn’t know how to fix it. I know this happened for a reason. Source knew I needed a wake up call and I’m awake now and for that I’ll be forever grateful. I wish I wasn’t so hard headed and we could have taken a different route to get here but I’ll make do with it.

    Like I said I know how I got here and why. I’ve learned to appreciate what I have and I just wasn’t doing that. I thought I was but I was taking my life and husband for granted. Even though Source decided on a route I would rather not have taken he did turn me onto the LOA about a month before my husband told me this. You don’t know how glad I am to have had this information it is getting me through this and reminding me how strong I am. It’s because of people like Jeannette and Louise Hay and so many others that I realized that the love for myself had slipped away. It’s easy to get lost and I’m so happy to be learning how to do it again. At first I was trying to get in alignment so he would love me again now I’m trying to stay in alignment for myself.

    A few of you said that I needed to stop blaming myself for saying I manifested this. I’m just telling you how I believe this happened. I don’t blame myself at all; I didn’t know I was doing this at the time.

    And the “I would take him just liking me” comment. The only thing I meant by that is that with everything I’ve done as far as believing and expecting, etc. I wish I would have seen the smallest amount of change in his feelings for me. That’s all. Although things are better than last August when it felt like he despised me. We can talk now but its small talk at best. At this point because the leap was too big from hatred to love and I was getting discouraged, I’m going to forget about getting the love back for now and just go with friendship. I think that’s a great place to start. But my ultimate goal is love and you all are right that’s all I deserve, I won’t settle for anything less.

    Tia, you mentioned something about the what if once I get him back I realize that that isn’t what I want after all. There is always a “what if” but I can’t even think about that right now or I’ll be crazy, but I appreciate the comment, my sister asked me the same thing. Right now I feel this is what I want and it’s the right thing to do. And I will think about those questions you posted—those are tough ones.

    Dana, I like what you said that “it’s all about me and not about him”. I like that a lot, you’re right. And I think I said that a little earlier about everything I’ve learned and how I’ve grown. I need to take this opportunity to work on me, take care of me and I’m doing that and I love it, it’s about time.

    Someone said that it sounded like I “needed” my husband to love me. No, I don’t feel that—I want him to love me. I’m clear on that. For the most part I’m in place of everything is great. The hard part is not letting his attitude get to me. There are times when he makes me feel insignificant, which can push my buttons (he probably does it on purpose). That was what I meant by part of my question asking “when do you know if what you want isn’t serving you”. When you love someone that much and they make you feel like that it hurts. But no matter what happens I need to learn that whether it’s him or someone else I need to not let those attitudes/comments get to me. I heard a title to a book recently by Terry Cole-Whitaker titled “What You Think of Me Is None of My Business”. I love that and that’s what I’m working on not letting people affect my mood.

    I won’t lie sometimes I want to say forget it, because I feel I’m not getting any closer to what I want. But then I see the big picture and I hear the words I can be, do or have anything I want and I keep pressing forward. I now know that I love my husband unconditionally. My love for him isn’t contingent on him loving me. I love him no matter what. Realizing this has helped me tremendously.

    I am going to change something, based on what some of you have said. I am going to take my husband out of the picture. I’m going to make a list of the things I want in “my man” and I’m going to focus on those qualities. I’m going to focus on someone loving me unconditionally. I believe it’s my husband, he has an awful lot of check marks but you all are right, who knows—I should open it up. And if that person is my husband great and if it’s someone better that will be great too.

    I’m sure you can see I’m really in a great place—my questions were based on me being in that great place and not feeling that I was getting any closer to my desire. But you all helped me to know this—as I continue to work towards being the best person I can, he’d be crazy to want to let me go!

    You all are the best, I can’t thank you enough.

    Tracy

  51. Ginny says:

    I’ve been reading your blog for months, Jeannette, but I’ve never commented before. I feel led to in Tracy’s case though, so here goes.

    Tracy,

    I can so relate to your situation, because I’ve been there. I ended my marriage two years ago. My husband and I had been together almost 21 yrs., married for nearly 17. We’re now back together and working towards remarriage.

    Like you, I wanted very much to have my marriage restored, and for my husband’s relationship with our now 17 yr. old daughter to be healed. She had gotten to the point where she did not speak to him at all, for nearly a year before I ended the marriage.

    It’s easy to lay the blame on my husband for the demise of our marriage, because outwardly, his behavior (gambling everything we had away, and drug use) was the obvious problem. Our family and friends were only too happy to lay all the blame on him, believe me! But I knew my own part in it all, same as you. I do agree with Iyabo on this though, your husband co-created this situation with you. You did not create it alone.

    What I did was focus on what I wanted from a relationship without insisting that it had to come from my husband. I wanted our marriage restored, but more than that, I wanted certain qualities and behavior in the man I spent my life with, and if I couldn’t get that from my ex-husband, I was willing to let him go. I also focused on how I wanted my man to treat my daughter. I wrote out all the qualities I wanted my dream man to have and things I wanted to be able to enjoy with him. Some of those things were things I had previously enjoyed with my husband before things went bad, wonderful qualities he had possessed.

    It took two years, but my husband began to show more and more of those qualities over time. I think, as other people mentioned here, that the biggest change came when he moved to another state, and had time to actually miss me and our daughter. He and I began to have very open conversations, by phone. The kind of conversations we should have had while we were still married. And now we’ve been living together again for the past 6 mos. Our relationship is better than it has been in years, and he and our daughter have a wonderful relationship as well. It makes me so happy to hear them laughing and talking together. :o)

    There are still some things that need work, but we’re taking it one day at a time. The most important thing you can do for yourself is to take care of YOU. Decide what YOU want and what you absolutely won’t settle for less than. The fact that my husband knew for sure that I was fine without him, I think had more impact on him than anything! He knew damn well that I would move on, and find another man to be with, if he wasn’t the right man for me. So he has worked hard to be that man. He has completely changed his life, changed his way, and is in many ways, even better than the man I originally fell in love with. But, even so, if the one area we’re still having some problems in doesn’t change, I’m still willing to let go of him and move on.

    When you said you’d settle for your husband to just like you at this point, I’m pretty sure you meant that you would be happy to see even that, because right now, he’s not even showing you that much affection, so it would be an improvement. Not that you meant you would settle for marriage to a man who merely likes you!

    Anyway, I just wanted to give you encouragement. Be strong in yourself Tracy. Decide what it really is that would make you happy in a relationship, and know that you absolutely deserve to have it and can have it!

    Wishing you all the best,
    Ginny

  52. Ginny says:

    Oh I wanted to add – that when I said I knew my part in it all, what I meant was that I know I had gotten to the point that I focused way more on the negative where my husband was concerned, than the positive. So not surprisingly (well now anyway LOL) I got more and more negative, than positive! Definitely needed to turn that around, and now I focus on the good, so I get more and more good. :o)

  53. Tracy says:

    Thank you Ginny. I know what you say is true and I’m doing just that. It’s all about me right now and falling in love with me again, remembering my great qualities and releasing certain character traits that aren’t serving me. I’m on the right track and I know that no matter what I’ll be ok.

    I’m glad you took the time to write, you know exactly where I’m at. Did you see the comment I posted right before yours, that explains alot.

    Good luck to both of us and thanks again for the encouragement.

    Tracy

  54. Ginny says:

    Hi Tracy,

    We were typing at the same time, because as soon as my comment posted, I saw your’s. :o) You sound like you’re definitely on the right track, and I know you’re going to be just fine. :o)

    Ginny

  55. Mike says:

    I’m going to bring up something much more mundane here. Hopefully I don’t get banned! Men, after 23 years of marriage, don’t fall “out of love” very easily. It took a lot of courage for your husband to say what he said. I’m assuming you have a fairly normal existance; nothing usual going on (prior affairs, alcohol or drug abuse, physical abuse, etc). Men are pretty simple. Give them some attention, a decent amount of sex, less harping on their mistakes (especially from 10 years ago!) and they pretty much fall in line. There are several good authors today who have documented some amazing results with just minor changes in behavior. [I’m not discounting the LOA here.] Anyway, just my two cents. All the best, Tracy.

  56. Lianne says:

    Writer Henri Nouwen defined love as “making a safe place for another person to be fully himself.”

    That is beautiful, Michele, thanks for posting it. xo

  57. Dear Tracy,
    You’ve been married a long time and have a history with each other. My husband and I just celebrated our 25th anniversary. However, a few years back we had some real difficulties. I can highly recommend this book, “Renew Your Marriage at Midlife” by Steve & Cathy Brody. There are some really excellent “real life” stories in there that helped me immensely. Our marriage and friendship is stronger than ever and we communicate much better with each other. There’s lots of great writings here for you, so I’ll keep this short. Best to you!

  58. I know, Lianne! Anyone besides me chomping at the bit to get a hold of Michele’s new book?!

    And Tracy, you’ve just confirmed how open and loving your vibration is … only good things come from this. 🙂

    Mike, thanks for simplifying things. You’re making it sound easy – and that, I like (and appreciate)! I’m going with it. 🙂

  59. Stephen says:

    1. Can the Universe, Source or God override what you are wanting? That they decide what is in your best interest, and how would you know?

    -From one perspective, it may seem that God knows what’s best for you, and thereby ‘override’ what your ego wishes.

    I tend to look at it from the perspective of karma. If you have some karma that is blocking a loving relationship from manifesting, no matter how much you visualize and align yourself with the Universe, you will get nowhere.

    It is true that what you visualize will eventually manifest sometime in the future – eastern religion teaches that thoughts make up who you are today. But unless you have “burned” off your karma or learned your lesson concerning the wish you desire to manifest, LOA, in my humble opinion, will not work.

    That is why ancient systems like Vedic astrology and mantra disciplines were invented by sages. They work on accelerating and burning your karmic seeds before they sprout.

    In another post, Jeannette wrote about the mantra for abundance and wealth – Lakshmi’s “Om Shrim Maha Lakshmiyei Swaha.” Chanting this mantra, coupled with visualizing and intent, works great on karma concerning abundance. Abundance means different things to different people, but in a spiritual sense, the highest abundance is unconditional love.

  60. Gillian says:

    I havn’t had the chance yet to read all the reponses to this great topic, but I naturally feel that in any relationship it takes 2 to tanggo, so if there is no more love felt by the other party then why fight for it? I doubt we can override the free will of another person and we can not force “love” on anyone.
    Also, wanting ” A husband back “, when he clearly expresses no desire to get back, is a form of limited belief in my opinion. Subconsciously they believe, that this man is the only man that can make them happy and where would they be able to find love again after 23 years of marriage and 2 kids. Its fear of loneliness that makes some women cling to their husbands, even if they know their hubbys no longer love them. I personally, don’t want to be with a man, who does not want me, to put in bluntly. I don’ t think visualizations work in this case as we can not override somebody’s free will. And why should we? There are tons of opportunities surrounding us if we look, even opportunities to find new love again, so why cling to something/somebody that longger works?

  61. EL says:

    I wondered….. Why do you feel like you have to make him love you again?

    I’m not dumb. I get the connection between loving and wanting to be loved…. but I think one should focus LESS on “how can I make him ANYTHING” and more on “How can I serve”.

    I’ve seen many marriages turn around because the one that was still in love simply dedicated themselves to loving the other. In everything they do and everything they THINK and everything they say, they’d love love love their spouse.

    In my opinion, there’s not much that makes one feel warmer and fuzzier than thinking about how in love they are and expressing that love. It’s not about what he does or does not feel because noticing HIS feelings or lack there of is holding you back.

    It reminds me of one of my favorite songs by Alanis Morissette – You Owe Me Nothing in Return.
    The chorus goes “You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
    You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
    I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
    And you owe me nothing in return”

    I’ve always felt a kinship with this song and I’ve always felt that this is what it’s all about. Giving the love. How much love do you think you’re expressing outwardly while you’re insecure and worried and feeling bad? I bet you’re tentative and hesitant with him. That doesn’t scream “Baby I LOVE you!”

    My advice.. as a woman who repaired her OWN marriage and has been rediculously happy for 11 years now… and as a LOA savy person who’s ALL about vibrational output…. is:

    Love your husband. Think about how much you love him and how lucky you are that he’s in your life. Physically love him! Not sex persa (unless that’s a go still!) but TOUCH him.. his arm, his leg, his hand… smile at him… laugh at his jokes… Don’t act like “But you HAVE to love ME!!” Act more like, “I don’t know what you’re going through inside, but I still love you and you can’t stop me from feeling the way I want to and I’mma love you anyway!”

    Good luck 🙂

  62. Charlie says:

    Hello,
    Super post, Need to mark it on Digg
    Thank you

  63. Tracy says:

    El-Thanks for the advice. I agree.

  64. Tracy says:

    If anyone is still out there–I have a question about “letting go”. Does that mean you have to “let go” of wanting it anymore or does it mean that you “let go” of caring if it happens; whatever happens happens and I’m fine with it.

  65. El Baugher says:

    Tracy~
    For me personally letting go means relaxing and allowing the Universe to provide for me in whatever way it sees fit. KNOWING deep in my heart that, although I may REALLY want whatever I’m asking for, it doesn’t hold the key to my happiness. I am happy to breathe in and out and watch the wonderful world around me. I am happy.

    You can want something to come to you or happen in your life without allowing yourself to feel like the entire existence of your happiness hinges upon receiving it.

    I like to preform a visualization or ritual to release when something is important to me and I’m having a hard time letting go.

    Even something as simple as lighting a small candle and saying a short prayer… or even having a whole conversation with the Universe or God or whatever your word is…. and then blowing out the candle and visualizing your worries and concerns along with the desire floating up in the smoke and being released into the Universe to be dealt with.

    No matter where your life appears to be going right now… even if you’re afraid and even if you don’t think that where you’re headed is where you want to go… You are headed somewhere you’ve expressed a desire to be. Some of the most amazingly wonderful experiences come out of something perceived as tragedy.

    Change is inevitable. Everything changes every minute of every day. Knowing that you can’t stop change and relaxing and allowing yourself to go with the flow and see where it takes you is “letting go”.

    It in NO way means you don’t want what you want…. “letting go” just means you don’t have to sit in the passenger’s seat staring at the map and the clock and fretting about where you are and when you’ll arrive where you’re going…and do we need a bathroom break.. do we need gas… which way should we go?!?

    When you “let go”, you recline your bucket seat and take a nap knowing that everything along the way isn’t YOUR problem. The Universe will find the best way for YOU.

    It might not be the easiest or the most pleasant… but it’ll be the way you need to go to fulfill the growth that your inner being is trying to accomplish and the way you believe you need to go (watch those beliefs and if any aren’t serving you, it’s time to change them!).

    Every step you take leads you to where you end up, so let go and allow the Universe to line up your steps for you. It has an uncanny sense of direction!

    PS~ I also like “releasing” visualizations like:

    *Picture you’re near a stream and you write your worries on a piece of paper and set them in a little toy boat along the edge and release it into the flow and let it go.

    or

    *You’re in a BEAUTIFUL wooded area (or wherever you feel serene) and you leave a list of your apprehensions or worries or whatever laying on a tree stump for the forest fairies.

    Any way that you can picture leaving your worries behind and see yourself moving forward is good.

    Also, I don’t know if you meditate regularly… but I started finding 10 minutes of silence twice a day and it’s really made a difference in my manifestations. The time that you spend with your mind silent is time you spend not resisting your desires or figuring a plan and mucking up the works. Sit down and tell God: This is what I want… thank you for what I have… and then just become silent for a bit. If you can’t stop your thoughts, that’s ok. Just don’t follow them into a “thought process”. See them, hear them.. and let them pass. Often I have GREAT ideas occur to me while I meditate… so DON’T get frustrated if your brain keeps going. The point isn’t to NOT think… the point is to not attach to any particular thought and allow everything to flow while you simply observe.

  66. Tracy says:

    El,

    Thanks for confirming what I thought it meant and for giving more great advice.

    Tracy

  67. BIO says:

    I practice LOA, but I haven’t read the comments for your problem because I want to try sharing my thoughts to you in the purest form possible.

    Here goes… Reading your thoughts on the matter, I reckon that you are genuinely hopeful but after being on that path that seems without the targeted result, you must have an eerie spasm of fear also. Spasm because every now and then it would come to you in unexpected moments. Perhaps, the result is not what you think it is — that he is to love you for every act of love you show (because as the day passes by, you may be prone to monitor the procedure like monitoring a diabetic patient on therapy). Perhaps, you may be in that plane of self-assessment to come to terms with loving for the sake of it and not to form something out of it because even love, as vast as the concept may be, is fundamental in that it functions naturally. It inspires naturally. It affects naturally. Just continue loving those around you, especially family members because what that generates is the reflection of your self-worth which is probably what you need right now, after everything that you’ve been through.

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