Q&A: How to Deprogram Beliefs from Parents?

July 12, 2009 | 39 Comments »

qaThis girl is so easy to love!  Here’s a question from Laura I wanted to toss to the Good Vibe community, since it is one many of us have worked with (and perhaps are working with now):

Jeannette, I have a question for you.

I was brought up with parents who had a lack vs. abundance attitude regarding money. Even though we were well cared for, the fear around not enough money was so prevalent in my household that it became so ingrained that:

  1. money is hard to get
  2. feeling guilty about spending money is normal
  3. other people can be rich, etc. you get the idea.

For many years I rebelled against this type of thinking about lived way above my means as I never wanted to feel the deprivation that my mother did.

As a result, I have been irresponsible, gotten myself in debt and never felt I could get out of the viscious cycle… It was almost as if I needed to spend the money I got since I never knew if I would be able to do/buy this thing again.

I know this thinking was backwards and I have seriously shifted my thinking on this, but there are times when it is very hard to get beyond the thinking that I WILL NEVER HAVE ALOT OF MONEY BECAUSE I NEVER HAVE.

Other than affirmations and new thoughts, have you discovered some other way to unprogram the voice and beliefs of our parents that can be so powerful since they are ingrained at such a young age?

Would love to hear your experience with this (with your parents) and anything you’ve used with clients. Thanks so much.

Love, Laura

What do you think, everyone?  What words of wisdom and experience can you offer in response to Laura’s excellent question? 

Thanks in advance for your generous input!

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39 Responses to “ Q&A: How to Deprogram Beliefs from Parents? ”

  1. MissyB says:

    Oh I hear you !
    As a child, we appeared to have little money. Both my parents worked hard. We lived in hand made clothes or stuff from jumble sales. We were second hand Rose !
    I then spent years purposely buying new, but I hasten to add, now love the second hand bit !
    I have guilt issues as to what I should spend my hard earned cash on. I recently purchased a motorbike. Its a toy not a necessity. My parents feel that the money would be best spent on decorating my house (which does need doing.)
    I have taken time to rethink my childhood in recent months. My parents made choices. My father always wanted a small boat – not an expensive one – but none the less, a boat. We had one. So there were his children, living in a second hand world, so that he could have what he wanted. Now I’m not saying that’s the case in every family – my upbringing was incredibly rich compared with some poverty stricken families, but my point is that our parents made choices on how to view and spend their money. THEIR choice. I disagree with what my father spent his money on, and when I catch myself in the throws of feeling daily guilt, feeling I have failed them and feeling all the other emotional issues we as children seem to have, despite being adults, I remember HIS choices differed to how mine would have been.
    Has this helped Laura ?! Probably not ! But you’ve helped me because I worried that I was the only one to be in this situation. Thank you !

  2. I think that’s brilliant, MissyB. It’s a pattern of logic that helps get you to a free-er place, and it reminds me of lyrics from Shinedown’s Second Chance:

    Tell my mother, tell my father I’ve done the best I can
    To make them realize this is my life, I hope they understand
    I’m not angry, I’m just saying
    Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

    Saying goodbye to their perspectives, beliefs and opinions – the ones that we’d rather not live by – that IS a liberating second chance, isn’t it?

    Thanks for starting the conversation, MissyB! Always a pleasure to hear from you!

  3. sonia says:

    Hi Laura. I know how you feel. I’ve been there. You feel that the affirmations are not working because you’re not believing any of it. Don’t try to make a big jump, from there’s not enough to I live in total abundance. You gotta shift your vibration one thought at a time, a rampage as Abe says. You just try to feel a little better every time the thought of money crosses your mind.
    I’m just giving an exemple here because I don’t know the thoughts that are going through your mind, but here’s how I’d do it:
    – I’m irresponsible
    -I have so many debts
    – it’s childish

    all of these are negative statements. To feel better, find thoughts that are not so far from where you are that you cannot believe them bu that do have the power to shift your vibration a little bit, like:
    -it sure is fun to spend the money
    -I really love what I bought
    -I know I’ll look great with that
    -till now I’ve always managed to survive 😀
    -I’d rather spend money for things that bring me joy than save it and feel deprived
    -I’m a good person and I have a right to all the good things I want

    Well, now, these are my words and my thoughts but I’m sure you can find what resonates with you.
    Do it anytime you think of it. at first you won’t notice anything different. but small changes will occur. It’s like adding one little rock to another till it becomes big and strong.

    There are many tricks you can use. Abe says to keep a one hundred bill in your wallet for a month and evrey time you see something pleasing to you, you know that you can buy it. You think I can afford it. This feeling will become a habit of thought and it will shift your vibration.
    You can look for abundance in other areas of your life, friends, food, love and appreciate it.
    You can give to those who have less. You don’t need to give much, even things that are not useful to you anymore and that will unconsciously make you think that if you can give out things, it means you’re over flowing.
    I’ve heard about a technique that removes blocks from the past but I haven’t tried it myself. It’s called EFT (emotional freedom technique). You can google it.
    Good luck and improving a situation takes time so be patient with yourself, be kind and gentle.
    love

  4. Great examples, Sonia. That consistent habit can make all the difference in the world.

    And thanks for mentioning EFT – I know lots of clients swear by it as a powerful vibe-shifter! http://www.emofree.com

  5. Laura, I think MissyB and Sonia are saying in a way what I’ve been sitting on my hands all morning to toss in, which is:

    What’s wrong with affirmations and new thoughts? I wouldn’t discount those!!

    Yes, you can play with http://www.psych-k.com for instantly rewriting beliefs, and techniques like EFT and Lifeline for unhooking, but man, thinking a new thought (or telling a new story, or repeating a mantra, whatever you want to call it) is POWERFUL.

    I’m curious as to why you’re looking for an alternative to that … ?

    Hey, check out Meadow’s fun with positive money affirmations:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BCd98wndI2s

    They don’t have to be boring! 🙂

  6. Jeannette says:

    Yes, it’s me again! I must have money mojo on the mind, or something! ha

    (I logged in differently so hopefully we won’t have to see my picture AGAIN here. And would everyone else please go to gravatar to get theirs on?! Thanks!)

    Laura, I wanted to ask this question to you:

    How does your question feel? Where is it coming from?
    What vibe is flowing there, I mean?

    Is it open and free and curious? Or is it frustrated or impatient or worried?

    I ask because that’s what you want to pay attention to.

    What are you vibing? If it’s not what you want more of, switch the dial!

    I’m anticipating your response saying – that’s what I want to know how to do!! Switch the dial! Without relying on affirmations or new thoughts!

    (I’m totally making that up, just trying to be concise with this post.)

    My answer to that would be that you are a powerful creator with answers to every question you could ever come up with. Which is why YOUR response is one I’m super excited to read!

    🙂

    Maybe some of you can help with that one, too. How do YOU switch the dial (without relying on a new thought, which I still think is a super powerful, easy and effective way to go). (See prior response.)

    Okay, maybe I’ll go do whatever everyone else is doing this gorgeous Sunday. Love to you all!

  7. Mia says:

    Hey Laura,

    One technique I’m using these days to clear up the relationship with my parents (my mother still lives, my father passed away 7 years ago but is still very often alive & kicking in my energy system ;-)) is writing a Book of Positive Aspects about them. Alternating between both, one page per day: one day about my mother, the other day about my father.

    Sometimes the results surprise me, sometimes it’s hard to write anything positive. But it sure helps me to change my focus when I look at them or think of them. Deliberately choosing to look for positive aspects in each of them helps me get the charge off these relationships, and leads me to compassion and understanding towards my parents. Understanding that raising 4 kids on 1 income and sending them all to college or university was a huge feat. Acknowledging that, despite the emotional tightness there was around money at home, helps me look at my childhood in a broader perspective. Yes, they were doing the best they could, and for them, education was hugely important. That was their focus – which often felt like an obsession – but when I look back at them with a perspective of gratitude and appreciation, it’s easier to see the value of the education I got.

    I’m not saying this approach is gaining me big bucks yet, but the need to overspend in reaction to my parents’ scarcity thinking is gradually fading away, and I consider that a good thing.

    Hope this helps,
    Mia x

  8. Stephen Taylor says:

    “Who do you think you are?”

    That’s one of my favorite things to ask myself when I’m not feeling good (actually, I ask that when I am feeling good, too).

    “Who do you think you are?”

    And when you ask yourself that question, you get to choose the answer. Since you get to choose, why not choose answers that feel good?

    “I am powerful.”
    “I am worthy.”
    “I am bigger than ________.”
    “I’ve accomplished a lot, I certainly can accomplish this.”

    Try a “who do you think you are” rampage occasionally. They feel really good.

  9. Mia says:

    A brief follow-up on my previous answer about the Book of Positive Aspects: I just finished writing about my mom, and to my surprise I found myself writing things like “She’s compassionate”, “She loves abundance”, “She’s great with kids”. Things which I don’t remember from my experience with her, to say the least 🙂

    But you know what, writing this was so much fun that I continued in that vein: “She rocks! She’s absolutely fabulous. She’s got a great hairdo. She’s got a fantastic sense of style. She always wears the perfect outfit for the right occasion”, etcetera. I was inventing a whole new mother on the spot, and it was great! Talk about telling yourself a new story…

    If we’re going to focus and be partial anyway, we might as well give the truth as we knew it a twist and feel better with our new past. If we can mould our future, why not mould our past…

    love,
    Mia x

  10. Great stuff, Mia & Stephen!!

    If you’re reading this blog and you didn’t read those two responses – go back! You’ll be glad you did.

    🙂

  11. Erik says:

    I just read part of “The Greatest Money-Making Secret in History” by Joe Vitale. It points to the joy of giving. I am struggling really much with those old and bad thoughts (own and from my family) about money and how to get rid of them. My goal is to have more abundance in my life and – same as you, Laura – do get rid of this old mind junk.
    After reading some pages about joyous giving, the ages old law of “you reap what you sow” came back to me.

    If I want more money, love etc. in my life, I have to give it first. I feel this focus on giving is much easier on me and my mind than constantly worrying about old thoughts and how to get rid of them (doing this, I guess, I on strengthen them only more).

    Try to feel the emotional difference it makes in you after reading each sentence:

    “I am happy to give money where it is needed, to make people happy, to give them abundance”

    and

    “My old bad thoughts hinder me from achieving true abundance – I am so stuck because I grew up with those limiting thoughts”.

    I think it is pretty obvious now – at least for me, this was part of (if not “the”) solution.

    Best regards and hope this helped a bit,

    Erik

  12. Mitch says:

    Iyabo, I’m loving this whole emancipation thing! I’ve never heard of it in those terms, but seeing myself as an adult has been an issue of mine basically since I *became* an adult. Your words are really empowering me. Thank you!

    As for the blog topic, my advice would be to question where our parents got the beliefs that they passed to us. Our parents showed up on this planet like we did, eager and quick to learn and ready for anything. And, like us, they were indoctrinated by the people around them about how to think and what to do. This means that these ideas our parents gave us are not really based on any factual evidence. They just never realized, like we have, that they had the power to question the story they were given.

    I remind myself that I have the power to choose what I think now. My parents taught me the best they could, and I love them for it, but they simply weren’t right about everything, and I’m willing to let go of the idea that they know better than I do how my life should work.

  13. MissyB says:

    Can I just add here: children don’t come with handbooks. Only a few parents do wrong by their children, and luckily for me, my parents did what they thought was best incorprating their needs too. I don’t have children and so I find it hard to see from their shoes. I love them, am grateful for them still to be here in my life, but for me, affirmations and new thoughts aren’t the way forward. I think I just want to release the negative hold they have over me…and by doing so, my inner knowing that it’ll be alright, will have the room to flourish.

  14. Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Hi Laura, first let me appauld you and love on you a little bit for bringing something so wonderful to Jeanette so we can talk about it. I love your courage. Just putting it out there begins to change it. That may surprise you but it does.

    Let me give you some helpful information.

    The job of a parent is to provide for and guide and protect a child since we come into this world so helpless.
    And most parents do that.

    So as kids, we get programmed by our parents to think a certain way and adopt certain values.

    What is missing in this Western culture, is the concept of emancipation. In other cultures, at a certain age, you as a child are taken through a rite of passage, a ritual, and presented to the world as an adult.

    When we become emancipated, society is supposed to inform us and support us in developing a sense of awareness with all our upbringing merely acting as a guide or something to fall back on.

    As an adult, awareness is your guide and teacher, not the values and programming brought about by your parents.

    So, I, as someone that sees you as an adult, fully wonderful, capable and totally smart, independent and awesome, I give you permission to enter into adult awareness thinking.

    Listen to your emotions and to your body. Listen to your intuition and your creativity. You indeed are a wonderful and amazing human being capable of harnessing the energy of her money and allowing a wonderful relationship with money to happen.

    As you read this, if you enter into that space of awareness and then ask yourself, what do you want your relationship with money to be, you will change that programming.

    Namaste!

    Iyabo

  15. Kimberly Gauthier says:

    My mom is bi-polar and suffers from severe bouts of depression. She’s very negative and pessimistic. I took her behavior and attitude with me into adulthood and after years of misery, I finally changed my way of thinking.

    It was difficult at first, because I felt like I was treading water for years until I found LOA and read about it and understood, for the first time, a lot of what my stepdad was trying to teach me. Having him as a guide and soaking up as much as I could about LOA, I learned to (1) forgive my mom, because she was the victim of her background/experiences and (2) celebrate the power I have to create the life that I want.

    I look at the person I was 20 years ago (gosh, even 10 years ago, 5 years ago) and I’m happy with how far I’ve come and how much I’ve learned.

    It wasn’t easy at first, but now it’s old hat. I’m still in touch with my mom and the difference now is that she sees the changes in my life and now she’s starting to understand what my dad and I have been talking about and she wants this too, but she’s stuck with old habits and old ideas.

    I didn’t change overnight so I understand her struggle, but I’m hopeful. But she has to live her life and I can’t attract for her, but I can attract a loving relationship with my mother, which I finally have.

  16. MSNikki says:

    What a timely post that corresponds with the Money Vibe Course!
    This one is a tough question for sure! Money seems to yield the most power over us, ie.feelings of deprivation, anxiety, jealousy, etc
    I so relate to this question!
    My parents are the exact same way! One of the things that has helped me is to truly examine my parents relationship with money. Sure enough, they have manifested those negative beliefs into reality. Instead of judging them, I observe and question those beliefs. One of their gems is “the only thing you can trust in this world is money.” Hmmm…I trusted that my portfolio was secure until I lost 2K of it. When I was going through a very stressful time in my life, my friends and faith saw me through the ordeal not money. I also realized that I had my sense of self worth tied to the amount of money I had. Again, in today’s fluctuating market that wouldn’t be a great way to bolster self esteem!
    So the solution? It is a work in progress but so worth it to really examine how much our parents influence impacted our relationship with money. Once we can do that, we can go on to make necessary changes in belief. Am I overflowing with abundance right now? Uh, no! I just started the process! But I have my self esteem intact exclusive of my wealth status which I didn’t have before. Baby steps!

  17. Carol L says:

    Like everyone else, my parents and grandparents did the best they could, but also handed down several of their limiting beliefs (including the “lack” mentality). It can be mind boggling to figure out each and every limiting belief and take care of them one-by-one (or maybe I’m just lazy – LOL). Or maybe I just like “easy” because that’s how I believe life should be.

    One of the best self-help items I’ve ever purchased has been Kelly Howell’s “The Secret Universal Mind Meditation” (delta version). You listen to it every night (as you’re falling asleep) for six weeks to reprogram your subconscious. In the beginning, she tells you that the thoughts you hear will become your own. The entire meditation is based on U.S. Andersen’s book “Three Magic Words.” Some of the things you hear are:

    “Through the great law of attraction, everything in life that I need for my work and fulfillment comes to me. (I add “easily and effortlessly” to the end of that sentence. LOL) It is not necessary that I strain about this, only believe. For in the strength of my belief, my faith will make it so.”

    “I know that my body is a manifestation of pure spirit and that spirit is perfect; therefore, my body is perfect.”

    “No matter what obstacle or undesirable circumstance crosses my path, I refuse to accept it, for it is nothing but illusion.”

    “I need only open my mind and my heart, and I am filled to overflowing with the power and abundance and love of the universe.”

    The mp3 download is only $9.95 from the Theatre Of The Mind website (and you have it right away instead of waiting for a cd). I have to admit that I’ve never been able to stay awake for the entire track because the delta sounds put you to sleep, but have heard all of the different parts of it at different times. If you have an aversion to the word “God” you may not enjoy listening to it. If you have the “Three Magic Words” book, you can read the meditation at the end of each chapter to get a feel for what is on Kelly’s meditation. BTW, I am not affiliated with Kelly or Theatre Of The Mind . . . this is just an inexpensive product that I’ve found beneficial for helping to get past some limiting beliefs, and thought others might find it beneficial as well.

    Here is the Amazon link for the book: http://www.amazon.com/Three-Magic-Words-Uell-Andersen/dp/0879801654 if you want to read the reviews.

    You can also read the reviews of the CD here: http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Universal-Mind-Meditation/dp/1881451569/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1247447904&sr=1-2

  18. Hi Laura,

    Great question! In addition to all the fabulous suggestions that have already been offered, I would also like to suggest “looking for evidence.”

    Take a belief you wish you had, like “I receive income from unexpected sources.” Now, find all the ways in your life where this is already true! You may have to dig deep at first, but you can always find evidence if you look hard enough!

    For example, with the belief above, say you find a penny on the sidewalk one day… that’s unexpected income! Or your friend buys you dinner. To me, that’s unexpected income! Before you know it, you will have tons of evidence to support your new belief and it will start to really take hold in your mind. At that point, law of attraction takes over and before you know it you start attracting “real” sources of unexpected income!

    I’ve done this before with great success in several different areas of my life. Try it, it works!

  19. Laura says:

    Hello all: First I want to say how much I love all of you for the wonderful and thoughtful responses to my question and a huge thank you to Jeannette for posting it!

    I forget to mention something really important…a few years ago I had the realization that I was rebelling against my mother and then thought…”haven’t you done this long enough?”. Guess that is when the adult (me) really realized that yes, I have control over my actions as well as my thoughts. I did get very mixed messages as my father was a spender (used to sneak things into the house from my mother) and my mother had tremendous guilt about spending. I brought this question up because 1) I am particpating in the money mojo magic and I am closely examining my “old” beliefs and 2) I just saw my parents the other day after not seeing them for awhile and my mother desperately wanted this scarf she saw and agonized about spending money on it. Important to note that it was on sale and spending that money would not at all change my parents financial situation.

    Just brought to light where my little money gremlin comes from. I am totally NOT dismissing affirmations and watching/shifting my thoughts, I guess I was looking for something to really reprogram (like an EFT sort of thing) that old thought that keeps coming in.

    As for your question Jeannette, about what the vibe is behind the question (excellent, by way!)…it is really one of curiousity and excitment as I really feel that is the last piece of the puzzle. I manifest things all the time, keep a gratitude journal (the back pages of my pray rain journal as you suggested) and am so appreciative for all I have.

    Your responses (all of you) really have me thinking of ways to amp my vibe right up. 1) Appreciate my parents beliefs as THEIR beliefs and not mine 2) STOP telling that story about the way it was and START telling the new story of my life now 3) Take some small action let the Universe know (and amp up my own belief) that I value money and am ready to let more in…a BIG one for me.

    And thank you for the huge reminder that baby steps are the way to go…Sonia and MSNikki, trying to go from the place of lack to one of super abundance is a stretch that sometimes is hard to swallow. You hit it on the head!

    Erik and Iyabo…your suggestions are so helpful. I am so excited to have all this support and really “get it”…I am very famiiliar with Abe, Joe Vitale, etc…sometimes a little reminder to shift the focus (to ALL that I do have), helping others, and letting go of that old, past story.

    And one last note…I am so grateful that I have the wonderful parents that I have who really just did the best that they could and in most ways did a pretty teriffic job!

    Again, thank you all for your time and thoughtfulness…
    With love, Laura

  20. Laura says:

    Hey Selfhelpgoddess….just read your post. So funny, because on the MMM forum I posted evidence of 1) getting a refund when I was not supposed to and 2) having a friend unexpectedly pay for dinner! HA! I was also walking with a friend this evening and found a quarter. She said…you always find money. It’s true, I tried it once to intentionally find a coin on my walk and I did…after that it was easy. I know I can manifest when I want…it is just a major shift – like the ability to dramatically change my financial situation is when the limiting belief crops up.. I now think I can handle that and thank you so much for your suggestion! Yes, it does work and it is so much fun to see the evidence! Love, Laura

  21. Jeannette, I see you’ve already mentioned Energy Psychology (Psych K and EFT) and I just have to put in a bit of a plug for the power of these techniques 🙂

    EFT is the one I’m an expert in, and I can’t begin to tell you how much it’s changed my life and the life of other people I’ve worked with for the better. It is a very versatile technique and can be used in a lot of different ways, both to help “deprogram”/release limiting beliefs and help install new more self-empowering beliefs in a way that they really “stick”. What tends to happen when we try to think the “good thoughts” is that the subconscious brings up the old limiting beliefs in resistance to the good thoughts, so it takes a long time to really get anywhere. EFT helps release the limiting stuff, so when we’re thinking the good thoughts, that is what we are reinforcing, not the limiting stuff.

    If anyone wants to learn more about EFT, check out http://www.emofree.com

  22. Sonya Vicars says:

    I love what is being said about how our parents raised us and “giving them a break” as they taught us what they were taught.

    I remember being in my mid 20’s and for the first time realizing that my mom “didn’t have it all together” like I thought she did. For myself, growing up, I thought my mom knew “everything” and her word was the only truth…lol I was surprised to learn that she wasn’t the end all be all and I went through an adjustment period of removing her from the pedestal I had placed her on.

    Now that I have a 14 year old son and a 4 year old daughter my husband have had a few conversations with our son saying that just because we are adults and parents doesn’t mean we have all the answers or that the way we raise him is necessarily the “right” way but that we are still growing and learning as well -as life is an endless journey of self discovery.

    I tell him that as he becomes an adult he is free to take what he wants and leave what he doesn’t as far as what we taught him through our words or actions. I believe the greatest thing you can teach your children is about contrast and how they can learn just as much about who and how they want to be by what they like about what we have taught them and what they didn’t like.

    Sonya 🙂

  23. Great input from everyone, as expected!! he he

    I also enjoyed this reminder from Abraham today:

    “You don’t have to go back and deal with childhood issues, because those childhood issues produced a vibration within you that you are still offering which is producing today issues.

    “You can shift your vibration a whole lot easier when you’re dealing with today issues, than trying to deal with childhood issues. It’s the same vibration. That vibration that was creating childhood issues, now it’s creating today issues. Deal with it in your now.

    “Which thought feels better? Which thought feels better? Which thought feels better?”

    San Diego, CA 7/31/99

  24. Our parent’s opinions, beliefs, and emotions are instilled in us from birth– they are almost ritualized. Certain looks and words, trigger automatic responses, much like Pavlov‘s dog–salivating at the mouth even when there isn‘t food on the table. These are not our chosen responses–they are programmed.

    Now that you have learned that you can change the programming, perhaps you can forgive yourself for having believed that you were never good enough to be, have, or do what you wanted. You have to give the new programming enough repetition, enough time, to overcome the old input. You choose your thoughts. Chose only those thoughts that serve you. Have the faith that you will succeed. Habits are changed with time, paying attention, and applying the new process. Choose the program that you want.

  25. Debbie – that sounds just like something I watched on 60 Minutes last night!

    Leslie Stahl did a story on “our malleable memory” in regards to how easily witnesses to crimes identify the wrong person, although they’re completely confident they’re remembering clearly!

    Really interesting stuff … which just reinforces (for me) the belief that it is what we say it is (or was). We create the truth – even if it’s a “past” truth.

    Thanks for chiming in, Debbie!

  26. Debbie Lattuga says:

    I just read a fascinating article in Discover magazine. Scientists used to think that our memories are ‘engraved’ on our brain. Good ones and bad ones.

    Memory studies have proved that memories are not engraved. Every time we mentally replay a memory, we are virtually ‘rewriting it’ on our brain. We actually ‘overwrite’ the old memory with our new ‘replaying’ of it.

    And we’ve known for years that therapists can plant false memories that we totally believe we’ve experienced.

    I’m not saying it’s a speedy process, but mentally replaying real or imagined memories from your childhood where abundance was the norm, will help you achieve the abundance you seek. Just as visualizing abundance in your life today will move you closer to your desire.

    Debbie

  27. Sarah says:

    I think T. Harv Eker has a very good book, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind’, that helps people to reprogram their attitudes towards money. He uses the term ‘money blueprint’.

    Since Laura is able to identify the underlying reasons for her spendthrift behaviour, she has already taken a big step in solving the problem.

  28. Laura says:

    I just want to say thank you again for all the great responses here…and they just keep coming! You’ve given me so many great things to consider and offer a great reminder of so many things I already know! Like I mentioned earlier…I feel like this part is the last piece of the puzzle and it’s true – as I say on my website “while the past helps shape who we are, it does not dictate who you are today or can be in the future”. DUH!!! LOL! Silly me…need to listen to my own words… HA! Thanks again Jeannette, the people on your blog are gems! xo. Laura

  29. money attraction says:

    Hi, Laura. I am glad you have digged these limited beliefs. It is the first step to release them.

    To try to resist these beliefs is not a good idea. In my personal experience, releasing them is more effective than try to forget or only using affirmations.

    Beliefs are just thoughts that formed by you through many yeas, so to change them is not so easy, but take it easy, you can release them, just like that you can throw away anything you don’t need in your daily life.

    we are always locked into these beliefs because we hold them tightly consciously or unconsciously. Wealth continue to come to us, but whether we can receive it depends on if we can release the resistance caused by these beliefs. To release them or set up new beliefs can all works, but the former is easier and more direct.

    I suggest you can search “release technique ” in Google to get more information or get something more in my blog.

  30. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Jeannette,

    I really like the Abe quote you put up there because it feels like a lot of work to go through all the layers of crap that accumulated around money, not just from parents but also other family members, teachers, boyfriends, boyfriends’ family members, friends and on and on. Digging through it all doesn’t feel good and it sets off a bunch of fireworks I didn’t order. 😛

    What feels so much better is just asking myself whether the belief serves me now, being aware enough to see when beliefs are coming into play and then asking what thought would feel better. Sometimes just taking my hands off the wheel feels good too.

    I think I just had an idea pop into my head when I was thinking about MissyB’s answer about her father’s boat. I was thinking well, we have to really be careful judging others’ money decisions because they decide based on their values and we decide based on ours…no good or bad about it. It made me think of a Thomas Leonard exercise I did around values. I chose my top five or six values, then wrote my goals down. I matched them up to see whether my goals were expressing my values. I’m wondering if this applies to money or makes money make more sense in terms of a deeper connection to self. No idea, but you know I’m going to try it.

    Either way, maybe it’s helpful to ask yourself what your values around money are and then find ways to deal with money that both serve you and express your values. I’m totally thinking out loud to the group here. “Values” is coming through loud and clear, which is why I think this is such a sticking topic for people.

  31. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    One more thing just came to mind. I can be known to listen to a few television evangelists now and again. I listened to a preacher one night who talked about how the way we get kinked up about money and stop the flow is that we are arrogant and give ourselves the credit for creating the money. We think it’s OURS. hee hee

    What the preacher had to say was that all that we have and all that we are belongs to God and is one with God. He explained that God flows money to you, he gives it to you and trusts you with it. You are handling HIS money, not YOUR money. That is why he asks you to tithe, to see if you will show some gratitude for the money he’s given you to help others.

    The test is to show God that you know how to be a good steward of the money he provides to you. If so, he will give you more. Ask yourself, are you handling the money God/Universe gives you in a way that invites more into your life?

    I don’t know if this helps Laura at all. She’ll tell me here or on the forum or on FB. 😉

    I suppose this would translate to the tug of war between Mom and Dad, which I also grew up with. Mom worries that she doesn’t have enough. What would God have to say about that? God gives you all that you need and before he’s finished you say, “Omg, I’m worried that won’t be enough! What will I do? I might have to take this into my own hands!” LOL!

    If you had a dad who bought things and hid them from your mom, he was shameful of how he spent his abundance. He felt that he had wasted it, or that someone might think he did. He was afraid his purchase would be judged. Is that the stewardship that Universe is asking of us in handling the money that comes through our lives? Or might it be nicer if we choose decisively and take pride in the values and priorities we have with money and then make decisions accordingly?

    Iyabo and I talked about credit cards and how I refuse to pay bills with them. She challenged me to think of the credit cards as a plan B. I refused. I can see that they may be a very last resort, maybe plan Y. 😉 In applying this stewardship test I’d say that resorting to desperate measures, such as using a credit card or hocking jewelry or taking out a line of credit or cashing in a 401K is an act of great distrust. To me it sends the message to Universe that I do not trust that I will be provided for.

    For a long time I didn’t trust, and my lack of trust was so deep that I did resort to those things to pay my way. I made a deal with myself that I will only pay cash and buy what I can pay cash for.

    The next step, if I am following the gradient suggested would be to ask myself whether I can make a deal that I will pay cash and that I will trust fully that plenty of cash will be provided for me to responsibly take care of myself, my expenses, my wants and needs, and even to treat myself and help others while paying cash. Now, that’s stewardship of the flow of money I receive, if you ask me.

  32. Three things come to mind, Dana …

    1) that would be a fun exploration call for you to lead around values and money! I think you’re on to something there!

    2) I think we ARE (part of) God, so even though I talk about Universe as if it were separate from us, I believe it’s really just another aspect of US on the “other side.” And since everything that exists came from this creative power, that would mean everything is spiritual in nature – including money.

    3) I learned from my mentor coach that all debt is not bad. There IS such a thing as good debt. That was an incredibly liberating realization for me at a time when I needed that freedom to change my life.

    Thanks for sparking such fun thoughts, Dana! You are good at that!

  33. Jessica says:

    I love that I stumbled across this, because I have truly been struggling with the exact same issue. I was raised with money always being a source of fear and stress in our home, and my way of ‘rebelling’ against the way my parents handled money was to spend out of my means. It has been an interesting journey over the past few years reworking my ‘blueprint’, and I can tell you some of the things that I have read and done that have so far been helpful.

    Books

    1. Secrets of a Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker
    2. The Energy of Money by Maria Nemeth Ph.D
    3. Ask and It is Given / Money & Law of Attraction by Abraham/Esther & Jerry Hicks

    Tools to reprogram/remove resistance:

    1. Whenever I feel resistance/anxiety creeping back in, recently I have been turning primarily to EFT and it has been helping tremendously. There are some youtube videos that have helped me a lot when I feel the need to be guided through it.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fg_mdvmnvJo&feature=related)

    2. Keeping a gratitude journal

    3. Going through Ask and It is Given and picking exercises that resonate me to help me focus my vision, remove resistance, and move up the ’emotional scale’.

    4. Every night my boyfriend and I list what we are grateful for and feel abundant for.

    5. Holding on to checks longer. Sometimes I tape them above my desk so I can admire them before putting them in the bank.

    6. Keeping track of ALL MY SPENDING. Checking my bank account every day. Writing down everything I spend. This is something I really had to train myself to do because the idea of it made me feel restricted, but ultimately puts me more in control and helps balance me out.

    7. Being as generous as I can with my time, energy, and money (within my means) — what goes around comes around. With healthy boundaries, of course.

    8. Morning pages (from The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron) — they help me clear my head each morning and get my fears out so they don’t keep swimming around my head.

    9. MEDITATION (a huge “deprogrammer” in my experience)

    10. Exercise / dancing / creative movement

    11. Choosing better thoughts, but in small steps.

    12. Allocating a percentage of my income that I spend on myself and having fun so I don’t feel deprived.

    13. Writing down all the things that I want and playing a game with the universe to see how much of it I can get for free. Sometimes its amazing!

    I am truly in the same boat as you. Though I have greatly improved my relationship with money since becoming financially independent of my parents and have identified many of the issues I absorbed from them, it still takes a great deal of daily awareness to keep myself in check. I still have plenty to learn and often go ‘how did I get back here? what am I doing wrong?’ and need to re-examine myself and what pieces of these lessons didn’t fully register the first go-around. However, I have seen the evidence that all of the above techniques work… so if any of them are new to you, good luck and have fun!

  34. Amanda says:

    Am loving this discussion, and what occurred to me as I was reading it was the baby I was (as all babies are I think:-) when I was learning to crawl and then walk. I could feel my determination to succeed even though in the background there were words of caution. Am sure my intent was so strong that the words of direction were very quiet – and then I thought “well, I can do that today, too”! I can remember how clearly focused I was in the midst of what must have seemed to be chaotic directions, knowing that I could do this. So, each time I feel challenged by worries that I adopted I’m going to remember the me that came into this world so clearly focused and empowered!

  35. Wow, what a great list, Jessica!! Thank you for taking the time to share it here!

    I also got value from Eker’s book and remember to thank checks (and their senders) before I deposit them.

    And Amanda, thanks for such a powerful visual connection to clear focus and empowerment!! That’s inspiring!

    Appreciation to both of you – for ALL of you – for sharing your wisdom and perspectives here!

  36. Laura says:

    Jeannette and Dana,

    Totally agree with you on the values vs. money. That was a HUGE realization for me when I used to think (and I admit it, say,) that money was not important to me! I many times dated men who didn’t have money, created situations for myself when I never had money, even if I was earning a good living…

    Once I looked at my values – not a formal exercise, just an awareness, I realized that 1) I LOVE nice things – whether I get them on sale or not…love beautiful things of quality. 2) Love to be pampered (my favorite vacation is going to a spa and getting massages 3) I love to travel 4) Love to be able to give gifts to people just because they would like something 5) Love education and being able to enroll in a class or program just because I want to…do you see the common thread here??? They all require money, so I actually DO care about money..I care about it alot. I care about what it can provide for me and most of the all the freedom to be able to do the things I want. It has nothing to do with status or competition…just the quality of life that I desire.

    So, thank you for bringing that up, Dana. It is really something to look at and I agree with Jeannette, a class on this would be great!

    xo
    Laura

  37. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Yes, Jeannette, I think we are all an extension or part of God too. Maybe that’s why it all starts with being good to ourselves…but why it’s also hard to be good to our neighbor, give others a break, treat our money well, treat our bodies well, etc, until we realize it’s ALL God/Universe.

    Hmmm…yeah, I’ve been playing around with those concepts of values and money. Heh, not a bad thought.

    Thank you for the compliment! And thank you for bringing this topic to the forefront to begin with and letting us play with it. Same to Laura. 🙂

  38. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Oh, and Jeannette, bring the good debt thing to the MMM group, would ya? That might be a good topic to briefly touch on because I wonder if there aren’t more than a few of us who have debt.

  39. Will do!! REMIND ME to unmute you again this week, Dana!!

    Okay, I’m setting an intention to remember and easily find you. 🙂

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