Q&A: Spouse’s Lack Spoiling Party?

February 25, 2011 | 29 Comments »

From our Good News about Sucky Paydays post, Dana asked this most excellent question:

I would love to hear your perspective on when you share finances with someone and they are constantly focusing on the contrast.  I recently saw a clip from Abe that addressed this by saying, you know what?  I love you so much, I don’t care what you think.

That’s perfect advise and a great way to think about it, however, what if your money mate does more than think?  What if they want to bring up their perceived lack, struggle and worry every couple of days and figuratively stomp their feet about it until you are not happy anymore?

What if they perceive your happiness as deluding yourself and being irresponsible? What if they literally throw a fit until you are knocked off kilter and forced to “worry” with them, even though you know it’s all fine and plenty more is coming?

What’s the perfect LOA way to prevent that kind of constant barrage from affecting your perception of payday?  Are shared finances a recipe for LOA disaster?  LOL!

You can tell she’s already ahead of the game with her ability to laugh as she asks the question, but what other words of wisdom would you share with someone who feels challenged in how to manage their partner’s habitual focus on problems?

I predict your responses to this post will be a valuable resource for many a creator!

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29 Responses to “ Q&A: Spouse’s Lack Spoiling Party? ”

  1. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Wooohoo! I can’t wait to see the responses and wisdom from your amazing friends, Jeannette. Thanks for posting a Q&A on it.

  2. MissyB says:

    Cor now there’s a challenge “how to manage their partner’s habitual focus on problems?”

    And what a challenge YOU have chosen ! Is he a mirror of hidden doubt within you ?

    My two pence worth…up your party Dana, the better party you’re having, the less room there is for spoiling. And if it does get spoiled, hey, its not the end of the world because you can generate more than enough for you and him, and its merely a passing blip.

  3. debbie says:

    For me personally, it’s the resistance to my partner’s views that limit me. So, if I can allow him his view by responding “that’s an interesting perspective, honey. Maybe” instead of fighting to get him on board with mine, I relax and flow with it.

    I can say “maybe” and not resist what he’s saying, use it as a source of contrast to check in with my own thoughts and then choose the thoughts that feel best for me and allow him his without so much resistance.

    If I attempt to up my own party beyond what feels good for me, it feels like another form of resistance … so the path of least resistance for me is to allow for his perspective, which allows my partner to feel heard, and then choose my own thoughts to dwell on. He doesn’t have to buy into them.

    My favorite thought around difering views in relationships: “you don’t have to change so I can feel better”

    And if he ends up driving me batty with his temper tantrum, then I let myself react, get over it fast (because I’m not fighting it) and get back to focusing on the thoughts that feel good to me.

    For what it’s worth …

  4. Lois says:

    Debbie,

    I love your method of dealing with this. It makes so much sense not to try to change your partner’s view….that would indeed be resistance. But by responding with “that’s an interesting perspective, honey,” you allow him to have his feelings and you get to keep yours. Such amazing advice.

  5. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Yes, I agree and employ the same technique, Debbie. However, what would you all do when faced with constant demands for action? Now that’s what I’m really talking about here…my money partner demands action…when I know I’ve finally gotten good at flowing and the action behind it isn’t what matters.

    Case in point: When I reaffirmed my usual affirmations today, relaxed and got to a good feeling place after our most recent clash over this, or my most recent reaction to his reaction to his perception (if you can follow), I received a new legal case referral that is paying me on Monday and I did my own finances for the month ahead and saw that more is flowing in than out.

    Jeannette, I have to add that he is a spreadsheet person too…wants to know what our daily balance is for the next year…and my flow is different and unknown because I’m self-employed. He, on the other hand, has a concrete and weekly amount he can put in the spreadsheet. Therefore, any low daily balance is my fault…or the story goes. 😉

  6. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    …giggling…just got a new divorce client. See? Just gotta keep that vibe clean yourself. Or sing, “la la la la, I’m not listening to you!!” 😀

  7. stella says:

    I think that partner’s often express parts of OURSELVES that are in doubt and/or operating in the dark ages (ie: before LOA). In my experience it can be more effective and empowering to examine whether our partners are expressing our “shadow” self and then work on releasing that. I really don’t think it has anything to do with them . . . they’re just reflecting our unowned bits. Classic Jungian projection. Love your blog by the way Jeannette!

  8. Stephen says:

    if you don’t have the buttons, they can’t be pushed.

  9. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    I buy all of that except for the doesn’t have anything to do with them part. When things come out of their mouths, they are also creating their reality. They have to own that part.

  10. Stephen says:

    You’re absolutely right, Dana. And it’s also absolutely not your bidness.

  11. I know from personal experience that situations like this offer me really good practice at staying grounded in the vibration I want to flow.

    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve reminded myself, “He gets to do it his way; I get to do it mine.” He can be upset if he wants; I choose how I feel for myself. (In fact, sometimes I think I can see him silently reminding himself the same thing on occasion. Either that or he’s just counting to ten.)

    But that helps me keep his vibe separate from mine, so I don’t get dragged down to freakout mode with him.

    That is of course easier to practice when I feel like I have plenty of room to do it my way – both in thought and action.

    Which I set myself up for financially by maintaining separate accounts and then having one joint account for household expenses. We contribute the same amount to the joint account, and if there’s ever a disagreement about how that account should be handled, the other person is free to use their own money on something they think is important.

    Which is why I buy my own bird seed, and he … what does he do … hmm … well he was going to pay the lawn guy bill himself, but once I realized it was that important to him, I agreed to share that expense.

    Key point, though, is for me to remember that I’m in charge of how I feel. Which I do have to remind myself in those highly charged moments.

    And I should probably add that I am not always – maybe even not often – successful. But I know what I’m shooting for!! lol

  12. Ming says:

    Hi Dana, I like your question alot!!

    For me, a lot of it is just my hubby just hanging around and watching.. some of it rubs off on him. He’ll all of a sudden surprise me with something so enligtening! I never make it a big deal and just smile. Of course inside I’m just bursting! I also say to him, hey, so Jeannette said this the other day what do you think of that? And he’ll say, well, that makes sense. Then I leave it at that. 🙂 Or I’ll email him at work something I learned about LOA and I don’t even expect a response, just planting the seeds. (he does admit later he’s read it)

    Now, though, the other day he was not happy and saying very loudly, “you choose which vacation you want because we can’t afford to go!!” At that point, I just stay quiet and say alright. What can you do? The next morning, he asked me for a RESET button.
    LOL

    Best to you, and from your responses, sounds like you are getting lots of clients!!

  13. debbie says:

    If it were me, I would do inquiry on the “they have to own that part” thought. Is that really true?

    No one in my life needs to do anything in order for me to feel better. Sure, I’d really like it if they did, but they don’t need to. Their actions don’t affect my reality. My thoughts do.

    As for the constant demands for action – is there an action you can take that doesn’t feel like you’re paddling upstream but still results in a mutually desired outcome?

  14. stella says:

    Given this is all about LOA, wouldn’t you want/need to ask why you’re attracting a partner with those qualities? Wouldn’t we do that with just about everything else?

  15. petecito says:

    Hi Dana, lovely juicy question!

    I’ll add to Stella(r) in wondering why there’s a mismatch for you two in this area. Either there’s a tasty opportunity for you to discover yourself more or you’ve recently boarded the LOA train and your partner will soon catch up. For the latter you could congratulate yourself big time for the shift in attitude you’ve made because your old positions are right in front of you. For the former, well, who knows what’s going on.

    Regardless, it’s all goodness!

    On a tactical level, I find the low energy, simple task that placates my partner often helps while I quickly get my boat back in the stream to wherever it’s going 😉

  16. Monica says:

    I definitely think this is a relationship question, and not really a money question. While I am no expert in the relationship field, I do generally find relief by focusing on the partner that is in your (joint) vortex. Imagine your partner being happy and secure on this topic and others. Imagine you are BOTH happy and secure on this topic and others. Focus on the positive aspects of him and your relationship.

    I think you have been *expecting* him to behave this way. Just change your expectations.

  17. Janette says:

    Ooh, I hear ya Dana! I love my hubby to pieces and if anything we have the opposite issue LOL!!! We have joint finances, I earn about twice as much as he does and ALL the financial decisions rest with me. This means when we’re out shopping, I’m likely to find myself thinking “no, sweetie, you can’t have that DVD boxed set you have your eye on, because we can’t afford it”.

    Blech!!! It’s like I’m his mother LOL!!!

    I have learned instead to say “not this pay cycle” and move on. And to trust in our income. One day I like the idea of separate accounts but I’m not yet secure enough to let go of the control. And that’s okay for now.

    If this is the only area of the relationship that produces the ickies (which it is for me), then I’m not gonna ditch the rest. My hubby is not into LOA consciously, but he’s just as likely to say the enlightened thing and take me by surprise (love how that works!)

    I also love the idea that when he’s not being aligned, so he’s grumpy or sulky, it gives me the best EVER opportunity to practise my “you don’t get credit for how I feel” vibe (no, I don’t say it out loud – just to be clear heheheh). I love knowing that he can be as stroppy as he likes, it’s not going to knock me off my happy perch, unless *I* decide it is.

    Thanks for asking this question Dana, one of the best 😀

  18. Kim Falconer says:

    Wow, Dana, great question and everyone has contributed wonderful answers. I found myself nodding at each one . . . All excellent points. I think Stella has a point re projection (and Petecito) Is he expressing your doubt? But as you say, this is who he is . . .

    Monica’s suggestion that it’s not really about money nails it in my mind. I mean, nothing is ever about ‘money’ but what money represents, or the way you think having or not having it would makes you feel as a partnership. It’s just energy, like air.

    ‘Honey, you HAVE to be more careful! There is not going to be enough air if we keep going like this! How can you just sit their breathing when this ledger says our air’s running out?’

    Why not play with a thought experiment?

    Pretend he has his money and you have yours. Imaging what it would be like to completely restructure your finances so that, like Jeannette has set up in her relationship, you are each responsible for your own contributions, each allowing to have your own unique experience around your money relationship. I mean, would we really expect to always be in the same money vibe with another just because we live with them? Viva la difference and take the wind out the sales by have each to their own.

    If that thought feels good, you could try it out in ‘real’ life, just for fun, say for a month. If it’s disastrous, you could always go back to the old way.

    My experience as an astrologer has convinced me that couples rarely ‘argue’ over what they think they are arguing over. Arguments are often about power, control and about passion. (the astrological symbol Mars represents our drive to power, our healthy aggression, fighting, flight, adventuring and sex — all one and the same!) When having an intense one-on-one, Mars is heated up, red hot and there is a particular kind of intimacy going on. I mean, in a ‘dispute’ you and that other person really have each other, you’re really paying attention and fired up. Sometimes we have things to ‘fight over’ because we are after that passionate feeling, or we want attention, or we want to win, but it’s not the thing, its the feeling we are after.

    If you zoosh your joint money vibe into the vortex, great, but what do you want to line up to take its place in the passion/intensity realm?

    Another thought experiment is to listen to what he says and try substituting his name, or yours, or ‘our relationship’ for the word ‘Money’ and the core of the matter may become clearer.

    I think your question is a very important one to understand. Thank you for asking and everyone for sharing!

    xKim

  19. Sue says:

    I fully believe that you cannot directly change anyone. In my own life I focus on my own energy that I give off during these times and model behavior that aligns.

  20. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Debbie,

    I knew you’d say that…however, I’m not saying he has to do anything. What I’m saying is I don’t have to own how he creates his reality. I only have to own how I create mine.

    Exactly as you first stated it, it’s none of my business. 😉

    You guys have lots of great points and solutions. I’ll have to read some more. Let me make clear this is not a LOA savvy sweetie I have. 🙂

  21. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Kim,

    Some great suggestions, as always. 🙂 I love the one about substituting “our relationship” for “money” to see what that does. I also like Jeannette’s idea, and I initially suggested it…3 accounts. His, Mine and Ours. Contributions to ours based on equities and then we are free to use “our own” money as we see fit.

    Many of you are unfamiliar with our wonderful relationship, and the fact that we are newlyweds who have had joint finances for exactly a month. This is new territory for a 39 year old man who has never been married and who never even lived with anyone other than his parents…and that was years ago.

    Monica, I totally agree with you! What I have been doing and it has worked (it’s only been a month and I only just started doing it and am seeing improvement) is affirming that my husband is relaxed about our finances and can see that we are flowing plenty…and can see there is plenty more where that came from. I also do practice gratitude and appreciation for the many aspects of him that I do adore and enjoy.

    For me, I’m being proactive as a newlywed to get this flowing right early on. I appreciate all the perspectives.

    Janette, your situation is similar, only we make nearly the same and he perceives me as making less…lol. I think there is a “control” issue there and I won’t deny that it could be a reflection back to me, because in fairness to him, I have been independent with my own finances for 35 years and I did have a previously controlling boyfriend…hmmm…

  22. Dana, your ability to be as open and proactive as you are is incredibly inspiring … and shouldn’t be surprising considering who it’s coming from.

    Kudos, girlfriend.

  23. ChipEFT says:

    I get the uncooperative or unbelieving mate a lot with clients.

    I ask them, “Who do you think is more powerful, your mate or the Universe?”

    Chip

  24. I love that Chip! (Just quoted you on my facebook page.)

    And saw this tweet from Tiffany who is at Byron Katie’s event in Salt Lake today:

    “Waiting for someone else to change is the long road to happiness.” ~ Byron Katie

  25. Erik says:

    Well, thinking about this comes down to two possible views:
    1) there is cocreation
    2) there is ‘this is MY pie, this is YOUR pie’
    I think we often cocreate subconsciously because we are close to each other and our auras / vibration intermix —> some of their vibration mixes with ours, especially couples (think of the closest possible form of mixing energy as a couple and you know what I mean by energies ‘could possibly intermix’ ;-)).

    This can be a blessing but also a challenge (as in Dana’s situation). This is excellent training to (re-)define your own vibration. Ok, it might not be fun but still it can serve as a very strong impulse to realign yourself, with, well, yourself.

    I know this too and it even happens with close friends. I have to very very strongly realign myself not to let their vibration color mine or rather (positive focus –>) be proud of my own colors and vibrate them firmly – metaphorically speaking.
    Huge kudos for your awareness around your and his vibration!

  26. Lin E says:

    great great thread. thanks for getting it started Dana!
    and Jeannette, I love the Byron Katie quote, via Tiffany:
    “Waiting for someone else to change is the long road to happiness.”
    That is soooooooooooooooo good.

  27. Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Awww, thanks, Jeannette. I know starting off early by creating it how I want it to be is the best plan of action. Honestly, these are all things that people who aren’t yet married have no idea they even need to envision. I didn’t see it coming prior to being married, or even prior to combining our finances. Now that I can see it, contrast creates clarity! Getting clear about what you want is step one. 🙂

    Saw an Eckhart Tolle clip on relationships and meeting someone, particularly someone with whom you share a past, without their history and just in the moment today. It was from Chip’s wife, Julie, actually. It was perfect for this discussion as well.

  28. Cassie says:

    Hey Dana,

    Great question and an awesome topic to bring up. My first question is, “What is it you really want?” I’m guessing behind it all what you really want is for him to join you on the LOA train of good vibes and creation instead of “What’s the perfect LOA way to prevent that kind of constant barrage from affecting your perception of payday? ” Stop focusing on what you don’t want (the barrage) and get in the vibe of what you do want. Instead of the barrage what do you want? What do you want your money relationship to look like as a couple? How do you want to interact? Get clear on these questions and start moving your energy to this place. Here’s a couple ways you can do that.

    1.) Journal about how grateful you are that your husband has joined your LOA train of good vibes, and about how grateful you are that he is getting it and that money is flowing in with ease and grace.

    2.) Have a soul to soul conversation to pave the way. Some of my friends and fellow coaches call it higher self to higher self. Close your eyes and let your higher self have a talk with his higher self about what you believe, and why you believe it, how it’s going to benefit both of you and what you would like to see from your relationship around money. Share your vision with his higher self. Literally invite him to join you in your LOA vibe.

    3.) You get the fun light vibration so here’s a great exercise you can do. Literally, create an invitation to join you in the LOA vibe. I called it the LOA train here, but it’s however you view the Law of Attraction and the energy you want to be in. It could be a party, or an LOA road trip. Think of everything. What are you inviting him to do? What will he experience? What can he expect? Write it out with all the details you would a regular invitation. This gets you clear about where you want him to join you. You don’t have to give it to him. The energy is in creating it. I might do something like put it between the mattresses, but that’s optional. The important thing is to get into asking him to join your vibration, and putting that energy out there.

    We cannot change anyone else. That being said we can invite them to become part of our vibration. When we are clear and hold true and strong to the vibration we want to have and be in with someone else it makes a difference. If you have two clocks in the same room one pendulum will start to swing in tune with the other and if you have two tuning forks next to each other that are the same note but only strike one the other will start vibrating. If he has the vibration of LOA in him (and since you attracted him I’m sure he does) all you have to do is create and play in the vibration you want to have and the LOA vibe will start vibrating in him too.

    I hope this helps and if you do the invitation exercise I would love if you shared it!

    Jeanette thanks for getting this conversation rolling!

  29. Phil says:

    I have only recently discovered LOA and am really exited about the journey. One thing that has occurred to me in the very early stages of my learning is that if we stay on course with it wont it all balance
    I mean what if your partner isnt the partner that you really want or need, this may sound nieve and as I am a newby I might be right off course here
    If this relationship is a loving 2 way gig how are there arguments in the first place, discussions maybe

    Loving this colum

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