Guest Post: Wanting a Relationship or Avoiding Single?

February 9, 2010 | 63 Comments »

Our very own Self Help Goddess shares her recent breakthrough about manifesting love and romance in her life:

With February 14th approaching, I was thinking about love and romance. As I contemplated the idea of relationships (I’m not currently in one), this thought occurred to me:

Am I am looking for a relationship right now to reap the benefits of being in a partnership, or to avoid being single?

The question hit me like a ton of bricks! The distinction is subtle, but important.

When most people think about relationships, they think of spending time with their partner, having someone to share their life with, being able to share their innermost fears and desires with a trusted companion, etc. And sure, I would love to have all those things!

For me, though, I think that up until now in my life the real motivation to be in a relationship has had less to do with sharing my love for someone and more to do with resisting being alone.

And we all know that “whatever you resist, persists.”

I spend so much time focused on “not being alone” that I actually end up creating the experience I don’t want: that of being alone! The men I attract into my life are either unappealing to me or unwilling/incapable of commitment, so I just end up feeling alone (the very thing I was trying to avoid in the first place).

I’ve been beating my head against a wall trying to figure out why this has been my experience, but now I can see it’s the result of where I’ve been putting my focus: I’ve been focusing on not being alone versus focusing on the experience I want: a loving, fulfilling relationship!

This got me thinking about how many of us spend time moving away from something we don’t want versus moving towards something we do want. It can apply to money, weight loss, career success, romance, anything!

In fact, I think it’s just in our DNA to recognize situations we don’t want to be in and avoid them at all costs. For example, our ancestors had to constantly be on the lookout for wild animals and know how to escape if they were confronted with one in the wild!

But while it may seem like focusing on things you don’t want to create is beneficial because we think it will help us steer clear of them, the law of attraction dictates that we get more of whatever we’re focused on.

Therefore, even if your attention is on avoiding or resisting a particular circumstance, you’ll just end up getting even more of it because you’re still focused on it!

Many people are constantly focused on money and wonder why it’s not appearing more abundantly in their lives. In essence, they’re trying to avoid the experience of not having enough money.  If you’re focused on the lack of money, however, or on how you don’t have as much as you’d like, then it’s that experience of not having as much as you’d like that gets created over and over again.

In my situation, the constant preoccupation with resisting being alone is just leading to more of the same, being or feeling alone.

So, what to do if this phenomenon resonates with you?

  1. Know that whatever you spend the majority of your time focusing on is what gets produced in your life. Even if you are focused on moving away from something, you are still focused on it!  If you notice your attention is on something you don’t want, shift your thoughts to what you do want. You might have to say out loud to yourself, “That’s not what I want! What I do want is….”  You can literally take control of your thoughts and steer them in a new direction, just as if you were captain of a ship.
  2. Try feeling love and compassion for that part of yourself you’re trying to avoid. In my case, it’s the experience of being alone or single. Can I just accept that part of myself, and love it exactly as it is? Can I befriend it and even embrace it? In the money example, try flowing unconditional love and acceptance to the part of yourself that feels poor or without money. This helps release the resistance you feel towards a particular situation or circumstance in your life.

By resisting something you are actually keeping your attention on it, which keeps the situation squarely in place. Whatever you are focused on is what you attract, whether positive or negative.

As you release resistance towards a situation you’ve been avoiding, don’t be surprised if suddenly whatever you were wishing for rushes into your life. Since you’ve made peace with the situation and aren’t spending all your time giving it attention, you’ll begin focusing on actually having the thing you desire in your life.

Once that happens, it’s only a matter of time before you manifest your dreams and desires right before your eyes!

Mary is known online as the Self Help Goddess because she loves finding, reading, and reviewing the best self help books and products on the market to help others create their ideal lives.  Visit her at www.selfhelpgoddess.com or on Twitter as @SelfHelpGoddess.

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63 Responses to “ Guest Post: Wanting a Relationship or Avoiding Single? ”

  1. Leah Bach says:

    Thanks so much for a great post. I was just talking to a friend about how we get caught up in “who” and “how” and just struggle with sitting gently with “what”.

    And after all, isn’t it the “feeling”… that is important, not the provider of the feeling or the path to the feeling? That is the power of the Universe. Ask and you shall receive… dictate the path and the delivery model and prepare to be dissappointed… 😉

    I love the suprise aspect… every day is an adventure.

  2. Leah, I love how you reiterated the fact that it’s really the *feeling* we’re after, not the means to the feeling. And yet we all try so hard to manifest that one special thing we think will give us that feeling, but the harder we try the farther away our manifestation seems to be!

    I think you hit the nail on the head when you said: “Ask and you shall receive… dictate the path and the delivery model and prepare to be dissappointed…” Bingo! Universe sees the big picture and has endless ways to deliver us the feeling we’re after, if only we would stay focused on that feeling and not worry about the details. 😉

    Great insight, and thanks for your comment!

  3. That’s nice “allowing” you’ve mastered, Leah. I especially like the way you said this: “dictate the path and the delivery model and prepare to be dissappointed.”

    Thanks for posting!

  4. Coach T.I.A says:

    Ahhhh Mary!! FABULOUS post, love the clarity and subtle distinction you highlighted! This is what’s different in my life the past few weeks esp since the OutSoRCerers 😀 Every waking moment focused on the experience I want to create vs the experience I’m lacking.

    Man you sure hit the nail on the head, woohoo!

  5. Stacy @ Wealth For Everyone says:

    Excellent! I love the idea of sending love to the part of ourselves that is resisting an issue.

    I actually have the opposite issue about being single. I like being single and I have some beliefs that being in a relationship wouldn’t be my cup of tea. That and I constantly don’t feel “ready” for a relationship. Hmmm, now that I think about it – I do focus on that a lot and thus continually feel like I’m not ready.

    The whole relationship thing has been a low priority so I guess that’s why it continues to not happen (which goes to show that when people say it will happen when you’re NOT looking can be BS lol) and why I have no desire to make it a priority. Ahhh, one day I’ll be ready.

  6. Tia, you were definitely one of the people I was thinking of when I wrote this! I was hoping (make that *intending*) you would get something out of this, and I’m so glad you did!

    Yep, it was really a huge breakthrough for me when I discovered this about myself and I immediately wrote Jeannette because I knew I wanted to share it with everyone here. It’s such a subtle distinction, yet so powerful. Universe takes us literally, so whatever we are focused on/vibrating is what we attract, whether it’s something we’re longing for or trying to get away from.

    Thanks for your comment! I definitely see you attracting the relationship of your dreams before month’s end. 🙂

  7. That might be a fun post, Stacy: “which goes to show that when people say it will happen when you’re NOT looking can be BS”

    I’m thinking that happens when we have thoughts that are not aligned to it (which sounds like could be your case) – but I’d love to hear from others their thoughts on that, too.

  8. Stacy, thanks for your comment! I think I might have a bit of you in me, too. 😉 I’m very independent (not to mention an only child), so being in a relationship is not necessarily number one on the priority list. At the end of the day, though, I’d still ultimately like to be in one, and it sounds like you would, too.

    In your case, you might try flowing love to the part of you that is not ready for a relationship, and also the part that keeps making it such a low priority. There might be some resistance in there you’re not aware of, and sending love and compassion to it should clear it up! That’s been my experience anyway.

    Thanks again for chiming in, and keep us posted!!

  9. Deborah Stewart says:

    Mary, what an inspired read! There is such depth to your insight, which does not just explore / reveal the nature of relationships, but the nature of achievement itself. Your wisdom belies your youth.

    I have no doubt that not only will you have everything you’ve ever wanted in a relationship… but you will have everything you’ve ever wanted in life.

    And I for one, will stand by, watching you soar, with a great big smile on my face!!

    Brilliant and beautiful – what a powerful combination.

  10. Sarah says:

    Yay, Mary!! So happy to see Jeannette feature you! I just adore you both. Thanks for making my day!

    xoxo
    Sarah

  11. Sarah, thanks so much for your comment! It means a lot coming from you since you’re so skilled at coaching others to their happy endings in relationships:)

    Great to have your energy added here!

  12. Thanks for reading, Sarah!

    And Deborah, I couldn’t agree more. (With all of it!)

  13. Deb, thanks for such a generous and thoughtful comment! I feel so lucky to be surrounded by people like you and everyone here on the GoodVibe blog, where we all encourage and inspire each other to soar to our greatest heights!

    I’m pretty sure there are TONS of great things in store for all of us in 2010… woo hoo! 🙂

  14. Great post, Mary, I really enjoyed reading it AND felt very much hit by it!! I wish to attract more money into my life and your post made me realize that my focus is more on “not wanting to not have enough money” than on all the great stuff, experiences and good feelings I expect having more money will bring me.

    I intent to change my focus right away – thanks a lot for the inspiration 🙂

  15. Pernille, thanks for your comment! I put that money section in there in case someone couldn’t relate to this regarding relationships, but could relate to it in other areas, like money. So I’m very glad it resonated with you!

    I can see you manifesting HUGE amounts of money this year. You better get ready because it’s on its way to you right now! 🙂

  16. Janette says:

    Awesome post, Mary; great way to shine a spotlight on the distinction between wanting more rather than wanting to stop the lack! I totally ‘got’ the money aspect, like Pernille.

    But the big revelation you gave me is about my current, 20-something year relationship. I initially thought, well this doesn’t really apply to me because I’m in a relationship… and then I came smack bang up against the fact that it DOES apply.

    My relationship has been amazing, and I’m extraordinarily blessed. And every time I grow and learn, I begin to have doubts – is this relationship still right? Is HE still The One? Can he keep up with the expanding me (erk, can anyone spell “arrogant”??) How do I deal with the fact that he’s not into LOA (um, if Jeannette can do it…) How do I create that behaviour he does that annoys me (like the fact that he has a blind spot about cooking)?

    Well OK, that last one I KNOW I create – the kitchen is MY territory and I defend it with pointy teeth, even when I’m on the couch and he’s in there doing his best to make me something delicious… and he can feel that energy, poor man! … but I digress…)

    It’s the same thing you describe. While I’m focussed on what annoys me, I get more of that. So now I’m going to get back to focussing on all the incredible connections I feel with this lovely man.

    I did learn a long time ago that his path in life is none of my business. And that I can choose not to give him credit for how I am feeling (that’s MY job, not his). Just sometimes I need reminding 😉

    Your post reminded me of those things, and also helped me understand that it’s not about having a “more perfect” relationship. For me, it’s about relishing the magic that already exists in the relationship I have now – because that way, Law of Attraction dictates the relationship has NO CHOICE but to become an even better, stronger, more spacious and expanded relationship.

    Yummo!!

    So thank you for a fabulous post that applies to ALL of us; and thank you Jeannette for bringing us Mary in all her wisdom!

  17. Janette, wow, I feel like you just took this discussion to a whole new level! I can really resonate with what you said about fearing you might “outgrow” your partner because he’s not into the LOA; I feel that way all the time (and I don’t even have a partner!). I do worry about that a lot, though… will my eventual partner be able to keep up with me in terms of personal and spiritual growth?

    But I LOVE what you said about how his life is ultimately none of your business, and that the more you focus on what *is* working in your relationship the more that will come back to you! And this was particularly genius: “And that I can choose not to give him credit for how I am feeling (that’s MY job, not his).” Why are we so quick to give others so much stake in how we feel?!

    Thanks so much for your comment, because you helped me see things in this issue I hadn’t even thought about! And to think I was scared to guest post this because I didn’t think anyone would relate 😉

  18. Gorgeousophie says:

    Nice one all! Goddess for the post and commenters for bringing even more light into it! Thank you!

  19. Gorgeousophie, thanks for adding your shining light and presence here! 🙂

  20. John says:

    Mary… “rocking” blog post!

    I’m with Deb; “your wisdom belies your youth”.

    You eloquently articulate the concept of lack thinking (ie: being alone) vs the power of positive “allowing”.

    Anyone who is willing to add-in a healthy dose of the self-worth (love and compassion) that you radiate would realize that it is, as you say…

    “only a matter of time before they manifest their dreams and desires right before their eyes”.

    “Bravo” 😉

  21. John, thanks for stopping by! And thanks for your support. I wasn’t entirely sure when I wrote this whether I would be able to get my point across, so I’m thrilled that so many of you are resonating with it. And thanks for bringing up the concept of “allowing”, which is really the oppposite of resisting, isn’t it?

    Thanks for adding your two cents! 🙂

  22. Sue says:

    Leah, Your words make it sound so doable, so easy.
    I love it. Each step a little more clear, a little more simplified
    There will come a day soon when we will be talking about how incredibly easy this all is. Where all it will take is a few simple reminders from those around us, to just pop us back into the vortex. (I guess that is happening)
    Thanks Mary for such Great insight, and a lovely reminder. I know I can find many ways to move towards what I am wanting and let go of the rest.

  23. Sue, Leah does make it sound so easy! But I’m sure Abraham would say finding our feel good IS easy, and we’re the ones complicating it, haha:) I like what you said about taking small steps, one step at a time. Eventually all those small steps will turn into one big masterpiece of whatever we are trying to attract into our life! And that feels good to me.

    Thanks for your comment 🙂

  24. Toni says:

    Mary, I particularly like this part of your inspiring blog post: “Try feeling love and compassion for that part of yourself you’re trying to avoid. In my case, it’s the experience of being alone or single. Can I just accept that part of myself, and love it exactly as it is? Can I befriend it and even embrace it? In the money example, try flowing unconditional love and acceptance to the part of yourself that feels poor or without money.”

    You remind me that it’s alright to feel this anxiety and that I shouldn’t force myself to change into the opposite immediately. Of course I’d want to flow a much lighter and unconcerned energy, but until I can do that freely and without thinking about it at all, this is a good place to be: Loving even those unloveable parts about myself.

    Thank you 🙂

  25. Toni, yes! You’ve got it, girl. This is exactly the point I was trying to make in my post: “You remind me that it’s alright to feel this anxiety and that I shouldn’t force myself to change into the opposite immediately.” We are so quick to turn away from things that we don’t love about ourselves or situations in our lives that at first make us feel uncomfortable. But ultimately that’s just resistance, and that just keeps those situations locked firmly into place.

    Thanks for the kind words. Right back atcha! 🙂

  26. @Janette – I think you asked a very important question “How do I deal with the fact that he’s not into LOA”. I also share my life with an extraordinary guy, who is not into LOA and what I have realized is this:

    1. He accepts me as I am, he totally supports me and he very much enjoyes my constant growth and my passion for LOA -simply because he likes to see me happy. So if there is a problem here, it has nothing to do with him, only with me – if I think he should be different 😉

    2. I see the gift in having a relationship with a man who is not LOA savvy – he keeps me sort of “grounded” in the “reality” where many of the people I know still are. So he helps me become much better at spreading the word about LOA in a way that “not LOA savvy people” or “partly believing” og “willing/wanting to believe but not yet having been convinced people” can relate to.

    Without him in my life I might fly to the moon and talk/act in a way that would make a lot of people feel totally disconnected with me (too weird!) and prevent me from being of service to them.

    I hope this makes sense, cause I find it rather difficult to express this clearly in English right now!

    What I try to express is that he does not in any way prevent me from growing, but he actually helps me to better be able to help others grow too.

    I am very grateful for having him in my life and I feel no “need” to have him change in any way.

    3. As a result of our mutual acceptance of each other there is no resistance in any of us and I can see that gradually and with baby steps he is being inspired in more and more areas of his life to think, talk and act the LOA way – as long as he doesn’t have to refer to it as “the Law of Attraction” 🙂

  27. MissyB says:

    Love the post – thanks.

    As a singleton (spot the Bridget Jones fan) I’ve had times of manifesting anyone but a right one. As most of you may have read, I gave up internet dating at the new year. This year I am not looking for love. This year I am going to be happy with being single. AND IT FEELS GREAT !
    If love happens, then so be it. If it doesn’t, well I’m happy on my own.

  28. MissyB, that is great!! I’m dedicating 2010 to self-love, so I’m totally on the same page. If someone shows up, great. If not, I’m having the time of my life with myself, so it doesn’t really matter. Kudos to you for realizing that you can be single and still have a rockin’ good time! 😉

    Thanks for the comment!

  29. Iyabo Asani says:

    Mary, such wonderful awareness. Thank you. Awesome post.

    Janette, you are absolutely hilarious.

    I also face this issue of what if he is not into LOA and like Jeanette, my sweetie holds me to it.

    He may not practice it as I do but he knows when I am out of alignment and reminds me to get back in the vortex. This is hilarious and annoying to me.

    Mary, I love the epiphany you had about the nuance of not wanting to be alone versus really wanting the relationship. The tremendous shift in vibrations happens in those slight nuances, doesn’t it?

    Also, your recommendation to flow love to those parts of you that require it is so simple and so true.

    Big hugs!

    Iyabo

  30. Iyabo, thanks for your comment! Yes, it’s such a subtle distinction that I talked about, but it was such a huge revelation and breakthrough for me. Which goes to show that little shifts in our vibe can produce HUGE results! And I love how your sweetie reminds you to get back into the Vortex when you’re not in it. That’s great! It’s like you have an emotional scale living right in your house with you, who tells you when you need to move up the scale. 😉

    Thanks for chiming in, Iyabo. Mwah!

  31. Gorgeousophie says:

    Lol! Goddess, you are soooo delightful, I appreciate how much love you spread around you and talking of which, how does one flow the love?! And another thing – please post more often on your blog, I have no doubt we all will become regular readers and as your popularity goes through the roof, hey, who knows what will happen!;o)

  32. Gorgeousophie, haha! I would love to post more on my blog, but I still have this pesky little thing called a J-O-B. Don’t worry, I’ve already put in my request with the OutSourcerers to see me supporting myself full-time through my website and coaching, so it’s only a matter of time!! And then I will be posting on my blog to my little heart’s content:)

    Thanks for the love, girl!

  33. gemstone says:

    Mary– I really have nothing to add except that I found your post to be very thought provoking. I’m currently reading “Calling in the One” and this book is very similar. Thank you for sharing your insights and helping me to see self-love more clearly!

  34. Gemstone, thanks for the positive feedback! And thanks for the book recommendation. I haven’t read that one yet, but I’ve heard about it a lot recently so maybe that’s a sign I should read it. 😉

    Last year I read “Love Will Find You” by Kathryn Alice (based on a recommendation someone made on this blog actually) and I thought it was quite good. It really emphasizes the fact that if you want a soulmate, he/she is out there and is looking for you, too!

    Good luck on your love journey 🙂

  35. Ben Weston says:

    Hey Mary,

    Like everyone else has already said, wonderful post! I agree with many that simply allowing the relationship to come in can be difficult for many. We often have some form of resistance that tells us that we aren’t good enough or don’t deserve a loving relationship. What do you recommend for people that have difficulty letting go of resistance i.e. limiting self-beliefs?

    I just wrote an article on attracting relationships and love the perspective you gave on the topic!

    Take care,
    Ben

  36. Ben, thanks for reading my post and your comment! I like Byron Katie’s process “The Work” to get rid of limiting beliefs. You can get more info about it at http://www.thework.com, but basically it’s a process of challenging beliefs and finding the truth in them. It’s really effective once you get the hang of it! Also, I’m a big proponent of self-love, so flowing love to those parts of yourself that seem “less than” is always my first go-to step to make peace and release resistance.

    Thanks for adding to the discussion! 🙂

  37. P Garg says:

    Friends,

    You should check this site out. This is from Huna. Its called the zero limits.

    http://4189d3siffu9fcdqy6sb49ielb.hop.clickbank.net/

    Huna is ancient Hawaiian science which helps in self growth and development. It would change the way you think about the world and commune with yourself.

    Its powerful and its content is rich.

    Aloha,
    P Garg

  38. engagingthemagic says:

    Mary,

    Thanks for the wonderful post. Boy did I get an aha/lightbulb moment when I read it.

    I have been yearning for the one to come into my life since I got divorced. So after reading your post I immeditately knew that I had never accepted the fact that I am divorced. I have forgiven and moved on but still had not accepted that yes I am divorced.

    Wow what a load of resistance I feel like I have released. Oh it feels wonderful.

    Thank you for this Mary!

    Melissa

  39. Melissa, WOW!! That is a huge breakthrough as far as I’m concerned, and I’m so glad my post helped you facilitate it! This whole issue was a huge breakthrough for me as well, and I see all sorts of areas opening up in my life now that I’m releasing resistance and approaching things from a new standpoint. Sounds like the same is happening for you, too.

    Thanks so much for your comment! Keep us posted on your progress finding The One. 🙂

  40. Mary says:

    Mary,
    What a lovely post! You are just oozing with love so I have no doubt at all that it will in turn be given back to you, many times over! Hugs, Barbara

  41. Mary says:

    Mary,

    My P.S. I wanted to say that I’m really enjoying your comments both here on this blog and in GVU. You are an inspiration to many and really are a wealth of knowledge about all the self-help literature, too!

    I have one observation for thought. I’ve noticed that you refer to your job as “pesky.” I’ve read it several times on your posts and probably the reason I’ve noticed it is that I can relate to your goals and also have a day/benefit job but I do like my work, even though I have intentions of doing other things in my life. And recently our dear friend, Gorgeousophie, made me aware of a word in my old motto of ‘serving OTHERS in love, one step at a time” and asked where I was in the equation (which prompted me to change my motto to “serving in love, one step at a time”)….

    What I’m wondering is this: Might you find a more loving word and feeling for that job? According to dictionary.com, “pesky” means annoying and troublesome, and probably comes from the word “pest.” Seems to me that by loving and appreciating that day thing you have going on, you’ll be shifting that sail on your boat downstream in no time at all!

  42. Barbara, first and foremost, thanks for the kind words and feedback about my post! Much appreciated:)

    Secondly, what a good (and extremely helpful) observation! I have noticed myself saying “pesky” a lot when referring to my job, and I don’t even know where it came from because I very rarely use that word. But I totally agree with you: it is not helping my vibe at all! There are definitely benefits to having my day job right now, and I can see how I would be well-served to put the focus on that. I also like your idea of coming up with a personal motto, which I can then incorporate into my job. After all, I can still bring love and joy to the workplace! I don’t just need to do through that my website, blog posts, etc.

    Thanks so much for adding to the conversation! You know your LOA stuff! 😉

  43. Adrianne says:

    Great article Mary!

    You are right – It’s so important to make peace with where we are. Gotta feel as good as we can about it in order to manifest our next desire.

    It’s the difference between creating from a place of abundance versus a place of scarcity. Feeling really good about your life as it is right now and manifesting from that place of excitement about what else is possible is a very different experience than trying to manifest while feeling lack about what’s not in your life yet.

    Lately, I’ve been working more with my book of positive aspects – writing out all the qualities I enjoy about the major things in my experience. It can be easy to focus on what’s not working but … I am realizing more and more that that old story is just not worth telling any more!

  44. Gorgeousophie says:

    Lol! Yes indeed, I did notice it too and although it did sort of bother me slightly, I thought it was silly of me to ‘judge’/feel such kink since it was part of our lovely Mary’s process to leave it behind and embrace her new career! How very wonderful of you Barbara to remind us all that it is only when you appreciate everything in the reality you are creating (I am copying it 100 times as eeeer…some stuffs I have concocted for myself still do not quite fill me with delight!;o) that said reality starts expanding into the fulfillment of all your dreams and desires! And with this I am off down to the river to pray and immerse myself into the downstream flow! Thanks guys!

  45. Adrianne, I really like this that you said: “Feeling really good about your life as it is right now and manifesting from that place of excitement about what else is possible is a very different experience than trying to manifest while feeling lack about what’s not in your life yet.” That pretty much sums up resistance vs. allowing right there! Couldn’t have said it better myself:) I also like your reminder about using a Book of Positive Aspects. I do that exercise occasionally, but this makes me want to start using it more regularly.

    Thanks so much for commenting, and bravo to you for realizing your new story is sooo much better than your old story! 😉

  46. Gorgeousophie says:

    Oh blast! I had invented a fake website but it did not come through! Unlikelyguru.com;o)

  47. Gorgeousophie, you know what’s so funny? I actually really like the job that I have! It’s perfect for me at this stage in the game, so I don’t know why I keep referring to it as “pesky” and making it sound so dreadful. It’s really not! I guess I would just rather be concentrating full-time on my SelfHelpGoddess ventures:) But I really appreciate both you and Barbara catching me on that, because now I am headed squarely downstream!

    Btw, what’s so unlikely about you? You’re just as much a guru as the rest of us! 😉

  48. Gorgeousophie says:

    Lolol! Thank you Goddess! *gives Mary a cheesy but pretty heart shaped and healthy (?!) chocolate box ;o)* Very good point! I remember a time when I was toying with the idea of going into life coaching but was in such a contrasting place (I love love love being in such a delicious place now *says she whilst forcefully pressing a steaming iron onto her very very few MASSIVE kinks*) that, being a believer of living by example, I could not for the life of me see myself ever guiding anyone towards lighness, joy, fulfillment, success and what have you! Mmmmh, should I start a humorous ‘Unlikely guru’ blog! The mind boggles!

  49. Adrianne says:

    A couple days ago I had the inspired idea to just go ahead and make a portable book of positive aspects 🙂 Like you mentioned, I’ve been doing the exercise kind of sporadically too. When I take the time it’s always really helpful for shifting my vibe in the moment about something that’s bothering me.

    But, I want my vibe shifts to become more permanent! I want to really exude that new positive version of the story I’m telling myself about “the way things are going in my life.”

    So I am carrying this book of positive aspects with me always. I’m gonna writing a page for everything that’s important/ frequent in my experience but that I sometimes see more of the bad than good so I can have an easy reminder of where to focus. I’m also writing a page for everything that’s really easy for me to feel good about so I’ve got it when I just need an easy way to lift my spirits 🙂

    @gorgeoussophie: I feel like the best teachers are always students too or else they can’t really relate to you. If someone has a desire to teach/ guide it’s an indication that they’re meant to and that there are people out there that will be attracted to their message/ that they are meant to serve. I’d definitely read your blog 😉

  50. “Portable positive aspects book” – smart girl, Adrianne!

  51. JM says:

    Wow, Mary…congrats on a really exciting/timely blog feature up on here!! I can definitely relate and am so excited that you could share it here!!

    Barbara…touche….look at YOU flippin’ that ’round!! I admit, I noticed Mary’s use of that pesky word recently, but hadn’t really connected those dots like you did. If I had a hat on, I would certainly tip it in your direction madame!

    So, as a gal who rarely has serious relationships (a fact I have recently dumped in the ‘old story pot’), I can totally identify with you Stacy. You and Jeannette bring up something that has been on my mind lately. While I look forward to sharing my life with someone, that is never really my top priority, so those I attract are (like Mary said) unappealing to me, or not interested in committing to me. I like to pay close attention to messages I receive from the Universe. So, recently I have been assessing my experiences that could or might have come close to relationships and keep getting a message loud and clear. I am obviously not “supposed” to be involved with anyone right now. I know this sounds sad when I say it, but it actually has felt really good to understand that in such a matter of fact way. But just as I think these words I also hope I am not perpetuating that beyond the “right now”. Things sometimes get a little foggy for me between what we want and accepting what is or being open to receiving what you need even if the details aren’t a perfect match.

    And as for your reference, Jeannette in:
    “which goes to show that when people say it will happen when you’re NOT looking can be BS”

    I assume they meant in that…if you know what you want, but have sort of let it go (as we need to!)…it’s probably in that space which you are most likely to receive it. Whereas all those trying to hard to find it….never seem to.

    Do we have some hidden blocks in there? How to find them??

  52. Adrianne, a portable book of positive aspects is a fantastic idea! I can definitely see the benefits of that. I bet before long your mind will just automatically begin looking for the positive aspects of a situation. Are you familiar with Afformations? I’ve been using them for awhile now, and have noticed that my mind now works in a different way, i.e. more focused on the positive outcome I’m looking for.

    Gorgeousophie, I agree with Adrianne. If all the people who wanted to be life coaches waited until they got it “all together,” there would be very few life coaches out there! Besides, sometimes coaches learn a lot more from their clients than vice versa. 😉

  53. JM, you’re asking good questions and offering helpful spotlights.

    This: “Things get foggy between what we want and accepting what is or being open to receiving what you need even if the details aren’t a match” and the question about how to find hidden blocks deserve a separate post.

    Hmm ….

  54. JM, glad to see you here! Was hoping you would chime in:) Your comment reminds me of Fen’s post in the GVU forums called “Having a sub-optimal vibe but not caring.” Have you seen it? There are some really good comments on it, and one in particular spoke to me. It talked about how ambivalence about relationships might actually be related to our lack of belief that we can ultimately have the relationship we want, so we don’t even try. It may or may not be the case in your situation, but I thought it was a really good point!

    Good for you for recognizing that you’re not meant to be in a relationship right now. You can use this time to figure out what you really want and get yourself ready for your ideal relationship, if that’s what you’re ultimately looking for. 🙂

    Thanks for your comment!

  55. Maybe someone else heard Abe’s recent track on Esther and the 30 amp site? Abe said it wasn’t so much that she wanted a 50 amp site for the monster bus, as she really really really didn’t want a 30 amp site.

    (Cause they had that the year before and it blew the breakers, which caused 14 things to not work in the bus any more.)

    Anyway, I heard that and thought of your post, Mary.

    And this morning I realized Russ has done something very similar. He didn’t want to live alone, so he insisted we live together or break up. Now he’s got a girlfriend who lives with him but sleeps better in the other room. So he still feels alone even though we co-habitate. And even if/when we’re in the same bed, I like a lot of space. So watch this guy getting me as close to him as possible, and still feel alone.

    All because his driving force was not to be alone.

    Man, this stuff is fascinating!!

  56. I agree with you, Jeannette. This stuff *is* fascinating!

    I think it was Mother Theresa who said we can’t have anti-war protests to get rid of wars. Instead we should be having peace rallies. Trying to get rid of something by pushing or fighting against it never works. Instead, we have to completely shift our focus to what we DO want.

    So funny that the same phenomenon I described in my post happened in your life, too! 🙂

  57. Adrianne says:

    Jeannette, thanks for the compliment 😀

    And thanks for the tip about afformations Mary! I’ve heard of them once or twice before – briefly. Reminds me of something I read in a Tony Robbins book several years ago. He said, ‘questions are the answer’ and talked about how it’s our brain’s inherent nature to always come up with an answer to whatever question we ask ourselves. So what you mention is a good reminder for me and something I’m going to add more often to my “feel good, stay inspired” repertoire of tools 🙂

  58. JM says:

    Thanks for pointing me to that thread SelfHelp Goddess! I have been spending so much time on G.V.U and still not seeing everything!! It’s addictive though, so sometimes I need to pull myself away and I had missed that post.

    Thanks!!

    Yes, Jeannette..I’d love to know what to do with that fuzzy line between creating the reality we want and accepting what is, because that has been coming up a lot for me recently. With the apartment and allowing myself to look for better roommates even though what I truly want is to live alone (though that hasn’t worked either). And it obviously comes up in many other areas. Certainly with dating…I am giving some people chances now that I didn’t used to…as I don’t want to close any doors. But I know in my heart of hearts when I am into someone to begin with and I have never had success changing that even for people I really wish I could!

    Maybe that fuzzy area has to remain fuzzy but man…does it feel tricky!

    JM

  59. Stacy @ Wealth For Everyone says:

    Ohh, JM – I get that too where if I DO meet men they just don’t appeal to me. I guess that is a symptom of the not making relationships a priority.

    Regarding the “it happens when you’re not looking could be BS” – I’d said that in my original comment. I would get frustrated with people who ALWAYS told me when I was in “wanting a relationship mode” that it only seem to happen when you are NOT looking. I always called BS on that because in my opinion unless you are already in your ideal relationship, single people (or unhappy coupled) people are always technically looking. Like for myself – even though I don’t actively seek it – if the ideal guy came into my life I’d be fine with that.

    I do see some people’s point with it though – and how it does relate to the LoA – that if you’re not so focused on the NOT having a relationship – when you’re so busy with other stuff THAT is when the great relationship will finally manifest.

    I guess I still call BS on it for ME because I haven’t looked for years now and I’m still single. Is that because it isn’t my priority or real desire? Not sure. I am not against being in love and having a great relationship. But I guess I also have beliefs that I’m not meant for that.

    Oh, and Mary – I’m an only child, too! And my dad raised me to be very independent. I think I took it way too seriously though! lol

  60. JM says:

    Hey Stacy,
    I didn’t notice that you had said that first, but I absolutely feel the same way about how you meant it. I too believe that, deep down, everyone would be oh so happy to find that with someone and can believe that anyone who says they aren’t “looking” is a little bs. But maybe they mean in the “actively seeking out” sense?

    I dunno, I know people who have gotten to a point in their lives that they have made it a priority to find someone and settle down. And they do. They might have to put out some money for a personals site, but once they are determined, they make it happen. I want a family of my own someday but making it happen like that just hasn’t felt right to me.

    And as for my often meeting people I am not interested in…it should be restated that it goes the other way as well. If it isn’t that situation, it’s the situation where my strong feelings for some amazing person aren’t returned.

    And why does it always come in waves? Like…everyone at once and then no one for months?

    So weird!

  61. Stacy @ Wealth For Everyone says:

    Hey JM,

    It’s been a LONG time since I’ve been in a place where I found a guy that appealed to me – but yes, I had the same issue with guys liking me and me not feeling that way and then on the occasion that I liked a guy he either didn’t feel that way for me, didn’t know I was alive or was already in a relationship. Ahh, the Murphy’s Law of dating.

    Fortunately for me I do not want children so I feel that relieves me of any biological pressure to find someone by a certain point in time. I could find The One at age 50 and I’m fine since I don’t feel I missed out on the kids thing. I wonder if not being in any rush is going to help it manifest well or if it’s pushing it away. Something to ponder.

    For those who set the priority and it happens – I really wonder what their thoughts are. I figure they must believe enough it will happen that way. Maybe it’s their belief since nothing else worked before that putting all that focus on it will cause it to happen – and then of course it does. OR maybe some people get to the point of settling by then.

    There’s so many nuances to the topic of consciously creating the ideal relationship. I tend to think we have as many screwy beliefs about relationships as we do money!

  62. Stacy,
    Man, I am SOOO sorry I took so long to respond to this. I know we’ve well past this topic, but I have been immersed in G.V.U. and kept forgetting to come back here and do the comments on here!!!

    You are fortunate that you don’t see children as a part of your plan/hope for the future…I think that alleviates some potential stress in regards to time.

    As far as what you said here:

    ” I wonder if not being in any rush is going to help it manifest well or if it’s pushing it away. Something to ponder.

    For those who set the priority and it happens – I really wonder what their thoughts are. I figure they must believe enough it will happen that way. Maybe it’s their belief since nothing else worked before that putting all that focus on it will cause it to happen – and then of course it does. OR maybe some people get to the point of settling by then. ”

    This could be speaking about any goal/intention…be it love, money, career, anything at all I think….

    and I suppose we are all trying to figure out those nuances/eliminating screwy beliefs as we go!

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