Some of you heard me commit to having this breakup in the vortex, so I thought it time for an update as to how that’s working out.

Quick backstory: last month Russ said he’d had enough, was crystal clear that this wasn’t what he wanted, and if I wasn’t prepared to make immediate and significant change (which meant limits on a friendship with an ex-beau), then we were done.

So we were done.

Just like that.

While reeling from the shock of this surprise turn of events, I turned to my cohorts in creation and committed to having the best breakup I’d ever had.  A breakup in the vortex (ala Abraham).

I’ve never had one of those (a fun, enjoyable, loving breakup?) - so I didn’t know exactly what it would be like or how to go about creating it …

… but I did know from the anger, resentment and fear that was bubbling up that I needed to get very deliberate about what I chose to feel through all this.  Or I could easily get swept up in the typical routine of what we expect a breakup to be.

So in to the vortex I headed.

That trip in started with being really upset, primarily with his idiocy, some other name-calling (in my own mind and to a compassionate girlfriend or two), and a healthy round of blame.

That might not sound like vortex material, but it was an enormous step up from the initial despair and powerlessness I felt in those first red hot moments.

So with the feeling-better momentum in place (even if it came from bad-mouthing and imagining his deep regret about such a stupid move), I swiftly moved on to disappointment and then worked my way up to acceptance.

(When I say swiftly, I mean a couple of days.  This didn’t happen on a dime exactly.)

And get this: after being willing to fully feel all the not-so-nice stuff, I got beautiful access to the higher vibrations!  (It always surprises me how well that turns out!)

After being willing to feel scared and mad and all that other non-fun stuff, it gave me freedom from being stuck there.  Super cool how that works.

In that space, I had the presence of mind to remember that  big change can only mean one thing – good things coming!

Life only gets better (when you know to manage the contrast and go with the good flow), so to have a big shakeup like this must mean life was getting even better than before.  And I thought it was good to start with, so this would be interesting to see how Universe could top it!

I had no idea what “better than before” might look like – a new house?  A new man?  A new focus on me, or maybe my work?  This house to myself?  More cats??  I didn’t know.

I couldn’t see the end result, but I reiterated to myself that it’s only going to get better.

And I knew that would work best if I could flow some surrender and acceptance, rather than resistance.

So I got okay with it.

In fact, after a little bit of practice with the better-feeling thoughts, I started to be excited about what would happen next!

I actually woke up one morning, you know that moment of instant recall once you’re awake again and the flood of realization comes back about what’s happening in life – yeah, at that moment the thought that spontaneously popped in was “I love my life!”

To naturally come up with that thought in the midst of an uninitiated and unwanted breakup?  I knew I was in the vortex!

Which made it easier to appreciate all that was present in my life – not knowing whether I’d be with any of it next week even.

I soaked up the good stuff now: waking up in this fabulous bed, hearing those beautiful birds outside, seeing his ridiculous Frosted Flakes in the pantry, picking up his mail from the mailbox, dating a scratch golfer (surely that wouldn’t happen again!), admiring this gorgeous backyard, talking to him about the vote on Survivor that he missed, even something as simple as saying goodnight.

All the stuff I’d been taking for granted!  Sure I appreciated it, but not like I was NOW.  Now that I realized it might not be here tomorrow.

I mentally traced back the path to how I got here, those early dates in the beginning, what a breath of fresh air he was.  His traits of being super practical and thinking ahead and smelling so good.  And the frustrations, too!  I could even enjoy those now that I knew they wouldn’t be in my future.  No more not letting dogs on the people couch – ha!  No more over-trimming of the lawn.  Ahhhh.

It was a lot of enjoyment packed in those days.

Not to mention a tremendous amount of love and support coming from facebook friends and GVU compadres.  That was a LOT of love you guys sent!

So here I was dripping in love at a time when – normally – one would expect to be fired up with quite the opposite feelings.

It felt very vortexy!

I emailed Russ a sweet and heartfelt note about how I imagined he was having a rough day, because even though all this was his idea I knew it wasn’t easy for him.  I told him how much I admired his courage to do what was in his heart, and how grateful I was that he honored what mattered to him, even when I didn’t agree with it.

And I shared my confidence that good things were in store for both of us.

I even wrote to him suggesting that his next partner would be so much more of what he wanted.  I could genuinely enjoy the thoughts of him being happy with someone else, especially knowing life would get better for me, too.  However that might look!

So when he brusquely asked me to stop writing him and stay out of his way until we got into separate houses, I respected his request.  I knew his way of breaking up was different than mine, and I easily accommodated his request by laying low.  I stopped sending notes and did my best to not be home when he was.

I was turning out to be a really good ex-live-in-girlfriend!

After several days of this, Russ sent a note (when he couldn’t reach me by phone) saying he realized he had complained about things that seemed trivial now, that we had a good life together he had taken for granted, and that he hoped there was a road back for us.

My rather rigid response was that there was no going back, our breakup was official (it was on facebook after all) and that I wasn’t interested in “going backwards.”

He responded that instead of going back to how things were he was committed to moving forward to join me where I was.  In this place of love and appreciation and commitment to feeling good.

Holy hannah – he’s joining me in the vortex?!

Sure enough, that’s what the last month has been.  And continues to be once I dropped my resistancey “rules” about how to conduct relationships with exes.

This union is now better than it ever was – even though we’re technically “exes” – it got even better than it was before.  In too many ways to count.  (If this post weren’t already this long, I’d share some of those ways.)

Although there is one very surprising and interesting side effect I will mention from this vortex breakup: I have never had less interest in other men ever before in my entire life.

Like, I would have expected that in having a new ex I’d feel quite single and open to possibilities – “available” in some sense – since I wasn’t in a committed relationship.

And yet, the opposite has happened.  I couldn’t have less interest in other men.  That surprises me – to feel a deeper  level of commitment in a supposedly “uncommitted” relationship.

So I’m having the best time ever with my newest ex-boyfriend, and looking forward to more of it.  Although I know that if he changes his mind tomorrow, I know how to handle that situation quite nicely.  (Been there, done that.)

Universe delivered exactly what I expected in a way I didn’t anticipate. Big change ushering in even better stuff.  From my personal experience I will say that breakups in the vortex are not to be missed!

This post isn’t done, though, until I give due credit and thanks to those of you who flooded my world with vibrations of love and support.  Seriously, a girl couldn’t have a bad breakup when she’s in the midst of that sea of love!  Thanks, all.

So I dialed him up and asked how he was doing.

He was taken aback by my call, which he explained at dinner a couple nights later.

Apparently just a few hours before I rang, he’d been thinking of me.

In a not-so-nice way.

He had said to himself that he was done with this “one way friendship” where he has to make all the efforts to connect and I only respond occasionally to his messages.  He was fed up that I never took the initiative to reach out.

So it spooked him a little when I rang just a few hours after he mentally wrote me off.

He thought this was more evidence that women respond best when treated somewhat disdainfully, because they dismiss “nice guys” who do all the right things.

And he shared a bunch of examples from his own life and women he knew to prove his point:

• Like, how when he shows up at the club not looking or smelling his best, women are all over him.  But when he cleans up nice, he doesn’t get any attention at all.
• Or when he shows no interest in a girl, she’s practically pounding down his door.  But when he says and does all the right things, she doesn’t want anything to do with him.

I know there are dating experts out there teaching guys to “pick up chicks” by being somewhat condescending and withholding to women.  And getting results from it.

But I don’t think the proper conclusion here is that women need to be treated poorly in order to capture and maintain their interest.

The only reason anything changes is because the energy changed.  And there are lots of ways to create those energetic changes.

Like giving up your resistance about being the only one who calls – that’s one way to shift the energy.

(As proven last week, it gets results.)

Changing the story you tell is another way to shift the energy dynamics.

(Maybe instead of saying “She never calls,” it might behoove one desiring change to entertain a story that goes more like “She’s probably thinking about me even when I don’t know it” or even “She’s good about staying in touch.”)

Another way to shift the energy dynamics in the relationship is to … well, this is where I open it up for conversation with you.

How do you shift the energy when the relationship could use some tweaking?

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Our very own Self Help Goddess shares her recent breakthrough about manifesting love and romance in her life.

It’s a timely topic with Valentine’s Day right around the corner, so here’s Mary on manifesting relationships:

With February 14th approaching, I was thinking about love and romance.  As I contemplated the idea of relationships (I’m not currently in one), this thought occurred to me:

Am I am looking for a relationship right now to reap the benefits of being in a partnership, or to avoid being single?

The question hit me like a ton of bricks!  The distinction is subtle, but important.

When most people think about relationships, they think of spending time with their partner, having someone to share their life with, being able to share their innermost fears and desires with a trusted companion, etc.  And sure, I would love to have all those things!

For me, though, I think that up until now in my life the real motivation to be in a relationship has had less to do with sharing my love for someone and more to do with resisting being alone.

And we all know that “whatever you resist, persists.”

I spend so much time focused on “not being alone” that I actually end up creating the experience I don’t want: that of being alone!  The men I attract into my life are either unappealing to me or unwilling/incapable of commitment, so I just end up feeling alone (the very thing I was trying to avoid in the first place).

I’ve been beating my head against a wall trying to figure out why this has been my experience, but now I can see it’s the result of where I’ve been putting my focus: I’ve been focusing on not being alone versus focusing on the experience I want: a loving, fulfilling relationship!

This got me thinking about how many of us spend time moving away from something we don’t want versus moving towards something we do want.  It can apply to money, weight loss, career success, romance, anything!

In fact, I think it’s just in our DNA to recognize situations we don’t want to be in and avoid them at all costs.  For example, our ancestors had to constantly be on the lookout for wild animals and know how to escape if they were confronted with one in the wild!

But while it may seem like focusing on things you don’t want to create is beneficial because we think it will help us steer clear of them, the law of attraction dictates that we get more of whatever we’re focused on.

Therefore, even if your attention is on avoiding or resisting a particular circumstance, you’ll just end up getting even more of it because you’re still focused on it!

Many people are constantly focused on money and wonder why it’s not appearing more abundantly in their lives.  In essence, they’re trying to avoid the experience of not having enough money.  If you’re focused on the lack of money, however, or on how you don’t have as much as you’d like, then it’s that experience of not having as much as you’d like that gets created over and over again.

In my situation, the constant preoccupation with resisting being alone is just leading to more of the same, being or feeling alone.

So, what to do if this phenomenon resonates with you?

1. Know that whatever you spend the majority of your time focusing on is what gets produced in your life.  Even if you are focused on moving away from something, you are still focused on it!  If you notice your attention is on something you don’t want, shift your thoughts to what you DO want.  You might have to say out loud to yourself, “That’s not what I want!  What I do want is….”  You can literally take control of your thoughts and steer them in a new direction, just as if you were captain of a ship.
2. Try feeling love and compassion for that part of yourself you’re trying to avoid.  In my case, it’s the experience of being alone or single.  Can I just accept that part of myself, and love it exactly as it is?  Can I befriend it and even embrace it?  In the money example, try flowing unconditional love and acceptance to the part of yourself that feels poor or without money.  This helps release the resistance you feel towards a particular situation or circumstance in your life.

By resisting something you are actually keeping your attention on it, which keeps the situation squarely in place.  Whatever you are focused on is what you attract, whether positive or negative.

As you release resistance towards a situation you’ve been avoiding, don’t be surprised if suddenly whatever you were wishing for rushes into your life.  Since you’ve made peace with the situation and aren’t spending all your time giving it attention, you’ll begin focusing on actually having the thing you desire in your life.

Once that happens, it’s only a matter of time before you manifest your dreams and desires right before your eyes!

Mary is known online as the Self Help Goddess because she loves finding, reading, and reviewing the best self help books and products on the market to help others create their ideal lives.  Visit her at www.selfhelpgoddess.com or on Twitter as @SelfHelpGoddess.

Nice observation and insight, Self Help Goddess!  Thanks for sharing it with us here!