When It’s Wise to Hear the Peanut Gallery

May 23, 2013 | 13 Comments »

law of attraction and others' opinions

what to do with potentially detrimental input

It’s easy to understand why Abe suggests we pay no attention to the “peanut gallery”

… because letting someone else’s opinion matter more than our own inner guidance isn’t helpful.

And since we don’t all have to agree (we each get to be right about whatever we choose to focus on), it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks anyway.

I get that.  (And I can practice it!)

But I recently noticed a situation where it might be wise to pay closer attention to someone else’s opinion

For the sake of a deliberate creator’s personal privacy, let’s go with hypotheticals on this.

Let’s say you’re in close quarters with someone important to you – a friend, lover, colleague or family member, perhaps.  (I hope you wouldn’t experience this with a mentor or spiritual guide!)  And let’s say you work or live together, so there’s a lot of daily interaction.  And let’s also imagine this person has a critical opinion of you.  And that you get to hear that opinion over and over, day after day, month after month.  Maybe even year after year.

(Maybe some of you don’t have to imagine it because you’ve experienced it.)

Guys, you’ve got to have mad focus skills for that kind of input to not take root on some level.

We know how brainwashing works, right?  And affirmations, for that matter.

It’s the systematic repetition of information that we eventually come to know as truth.

When you’re hearing something personally damaging, over and over again – I think that’s a smart time to pay attention to someone else’s opinion.

Just so you can get that sh*t handled.

Not because it’s true, but because it can wear on your vibe when you subject yourself to that kind of verbal abuse over and over.

Abe has said  that when a stranger shares a negative opinion about us, it’s easier to shrug off.  When it’s a parent, a spouse or a boss, and you’re hearing repeatedly how wrong/idiotic/incompetent/worthless you are, that’s harder to ignore.  And yet – sometimes we try by turning a blind ear to it.  (For one reason or another.)

Are you ignoring potentially detrimental input from others?

That’d be fine, if you really could (ignore it).

Or if it wasn’t an important reflection of our own inner vibe.  But there’s something important to pay attention to here …

I’m not saying that the other person involved is to blame.  (Although, hello, they may deserve credit for being a first class ass.)

We know we can’t experience what we aren’t a vibrational match to.  And if you’re repeatedly hearing something negative from someone you love (or used to love, or have to work for) – that’s a reflection of something inside you.

That deserves some cleaning up.

Inside and out.

But we have to be aware of it in order to do that work.  Which is why I’m advocating paying attention to those opinions that I used to be such a big fan of ignoring.

Your work here is to get straight with yourself and remember what the truth is – you are perfect, whole and complete.  As is.  Always.  Automatically.  Already.  Right now.  Forever more.

That’s the truth.

(I guess that also applies to the one who’s telling you how rotten you are, too, technically.)

But if this input recurs repeatedly over time, that’s not good to ignore, my friends.

I’m not saying there are easy answers for managing it, but pretending it isn’t a problem does not strike me as a self-loving alternative.

And I might have this all wrong.  (I’d love to hear your thoughts, please!)

Where I land with it is if you’re dismissing someone’s abuse because

  • you don’t recognize it as such, or
  • you’ve been hearing it so long you don’t even “hear” it any more, or
  • maybe because there’s a part of you that thinks it’s true –

it’s time to get that straightened out.

It’s not good for you or your vibe to be exposed to repeated long term negative opinions about yourself.

This is Self Love 101.  Or maybe it’s the graduate level 501 course – I don’t know.

But I do know that it’s not just a matter of addressing the external – the job is to get aligned to truth and love within as well.

What do you think?  Is it possible to ignore verbal abuse from a loved one and not be affected by it?  Thanks in advance for sharing!

(Picture: Right Sizing from www.f1me.net)

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13 Responses to “ When It’s Wise to Hear the Peanut Gallery ”

  1. Kim Falconer says:

    This is such a good question, Jeannette. I remember a counselor telling me years ago, “Sometimes we mistake abuse for love.”

    Gads!

    I think if it was a situation that we couldn’t readily change, (like change that instant) it would be good to ignore the abuse (and that kind of critique is undermining, toxic abuse no mater how many happy faces you paste on it)AND, while ignoring it, say NO to it. No. You don’t get to treat me this way. Ignore while you pack, Jack!

    I also know that we take our vibe with us wherever we go, so it’s a three step process:

    1. say no to abuse
    2. eliminate that energy like we would a ‘toleration’ because, oh boy, energy drain PLUS self-esteem sapper magnum!
    3. Amp up self-love

    Sometimes just saying No aloud, or walking away, or changing jobs or eliminating the abuse from our lives can be such a powerful act of self-love that the next job, lover, friend etc is a beautiful, supportive vibrational match, but I would always put the focus on #3, more self-love, and as you say, clean up the vibe within too.

    This is a case where the action (‘no, you can’t treat me like that’) can be like a tin of Draino and really unclog the energy flow. Sometimes the action shifts the vibe, and it takes the inner warrior to stand up for ourselves to attract people who respect, honor an appreciate us!

  2. helen says:

    If people in our lives are mirrors, might you not conclude that on some level you dislike yourself? Maybe getting good with all aspects of yourself could help.
    Especially the bit where you “love” someone who would say nasty things to you. And I would tell them that if that particular thing they were being verbally abusive over bothered them so much they could leave anytime. personally I don’t think it is ever fine to put up with anything because in putting up with it you are noticing it and saying yes to it, ensuring more of it……..isn’t that how it works? xox

  3. Dragonwyst says:

    I think for me that bit about when one DOES need to pay attention kicks in when I start hearing the same message from different sources. It’s easy to ignore if one is functioning along a habitual path of interaction, but when messages come through from other places, it’s time to pay attention.
    We have our perception of ourselves, but it doesn’t always gel with what other people see and we all have blind spots.Being open to opportunities to learn about those blind spots can increase our overall self-awareness and can be very positive and growth-enhancing.

  4. Jesann says:

    I’d agree with Dragonwyst up to a point. If a bunch of people in different areas in my life note that I’m angry, judgmental, cranky, or whatever, maybe it’s time to do some private thinking and see if there’s anything I want to change.

    But if a bunch of people in one area of my life — say, co-workers, or people who are all in a club I’m in, etc. — start insulting me, belittling my abilities in a non-constructive way, then that’s a bullying situation. I’ve been bullied at scool, camp, work, by family, by frenemies, etc., over my life. Just because the abuse comes from a group does not make it valid. It certainly says I’m radiating insecurity and attracting other insecure people, and that is something I would need to look at. But it does not mean I’m actually stupid, slow, or whatever the insults say.

    If someone’s dealing with one person constantly doling out the verbal abuse, self-love is getting away from that person. He or she might be a jackass because that’s how he or she learned to deal with situations, but that does not make that behavior right or even excusable.

  5. Dr Z says:

    When our lovers are acting like jerks (accurately mirroring back our own inner-critics), they still need to be pushed back. Every projection has a hook (i.e. it’s based on an objective reality). Just because it’s a projection of ourselves, doesn’t mean the mirror isn’t an abusive jerk in their own right. And it’s startling just how much I find myself putting up with…

  6. Serena says:

    I really love what Kim said. “Ignore while you pack, Jack!” In the past ive had situations in which a sudden and surprising change in a relationship is just my inner guidance telling me it’s time to move on. For example a boss who was great and wonderful suddenly becoming downright mean. Well I leaped and never looked back and it was the best decision. Actually I wonder if that happened with exes and I was just too emotionally wrapped up to just say “ok time to go. Thanks”

  7. Dena says:

    Oh Jeannette! You so Rock! Thank you for this post. It’s just what I’ve been struggling with for the past week. I’ve been wanting to “change” ( uh oh, red flag here) what I’ve been feeling someone else has been thinking of me. Meaning I thought THEY needed to change

  8. Dena says:

    …..my inner knowing tells me that if I don’t have that feeling or belief within myself, it wouldn’t be mirrored on the outside. It’s an inside job. When I’m in a high vibration, loving, released state, there’s no “sticky” paper to what another says or thinks about me. Thank you for this enlightening post! Mmmmuuuuwaaah!

  9. I think you got this right, Jeannette. Any kind of repetitious input begins to affect us, even on a subconscious level…AND…it wouldn’t be there in the first place if we weren’t aligned with it, so it’s ours to clean up.

    My experience with this has been that when I first clean up my energy (after noticing behavior I don’t like) the outer expression dissipates or disappears. Since I’ve taken responsibility for my own energy, there has been no need to confront the “offender”. They either shift into kinder people or they shift out of my experience.

    Many blessings,
    Nancy

  10. Barbara says:

    I didn’t know that in the past, but I know now, because I was dealing with this quite a lot in my life — for example criticism outside is pointing on criticism inside… where I am criticizing myself? Outside is always a pointer what is going inside. Lately I experienced also some doubters in my entrepreneurial endeavors – I was angry at first, but than I recognized that my faith is not so strong as it should be obviously and I used that as a sign to strengthen belief in my success. But I am always making the other person responsible too – at least I tell them about that I don’t like the way they are treating me… at the end of the day the words are coming out from their mouth, don’t they, haha 😉

  11. I experienced this with my husband probably 5 years ago or so. He had started criticizing me daily. Every morning, he would tell me what I did that wasn’t right. It was not a happy time for me. Looking back, I’m know that I was criticizing myself or he would never have started doing it in the first place. He doesn’t even remember it now and I usually don’t think about it either, but it came up a few days ago and he looked at me like I had two heads. He said “I would never treat you like that.” It’s true that he didn’t at the beginning of our relationship and he hasn’t for years. I really think I created his behavior at that time.

    How did I shift out of it? I used On Jeannette’s techniques of saying “I love that about me.” At first, I said it inside my mind and not out loud, but then I started responding to any criticism with “I love that about me.” At first, he said “How could you love that about you? You love that you left the door unlocked and we could’ve gotten robbed?” and I would just answer, “Yep, I love that I trusted that we are safe.” Over time, he quit criticizing me and now one the rare occasions that he does, he always follows it with “But I love that about you.” Everyone in my house uses that phrase when they “mess up” now.

  12. Julie B says:

    LOL… “(Although, hello, they may deserve credit for being a first class ass.)” hahahahahahahahahahahahaha…. okay I’ll go back and read the rest of the pose.. that had me chortle out loud!
    Julie

  13. Julie B says:

    Michelle – I love that idea, thanks for reminding me “I love that about me”… that’s great. I live alone and yet I can have the largest critic … me! My self-talk can ruin a perfectly good moment. The trick (for me) is to catch it early and deal with it and not let it spin out of control.

    I just heard Esther say that when she catches herself w/ a negative thought she’ll stop and say “well that was unpleasant” and go to the feel better place. Good things to remember! Self love is the key!

    Loved everyone’s post. So agree w/ Kim’s ignore while you pack, Jack!

    I was in a marriage years ago where everyday, I swear I couldn’t breathe right. I’d have these great relationships at work, and on the way home, about 10 minutes from the house, I started noticing how tense I would get, my breathing would change. I observed a thought “well, I wonder what it will be today”. !!! That’s when I almost slammed the brakes and went “WTF?” I left that relationship (in a hurry – whole other story) and I never looked back. In fact, it was amazing how amazing my life got when I removed myself from that (what became) toxic relationship.

    Another thing I thought of, I just learned w/in the last year or so. I swear I think I heard it from Jeannette – a communication tool, the “IR IR” (pronounced like “sir” w/o the ssss sound):

    Inform, Request
    Insist, Remove

    Quite simply one of the most powerful communication and relationship tips I’ve ever received!! A loving act is to Inform someone of a behaviour, mood, action, whatever, that isn’t working for me, and Request that they kind don’t say that, act that way, be mean, etc.

    If the request doesn’t work, then it may be time to Insist that the behaviour, mood, etc cease or change and then Remove yourself or the other person from the moment, life, job, marriage.. whatever. There are different ‘frequenices’ of it.

    Anyhow… works for me!

    Have a great weekend all! Good stuff here Jeannette.
    Julie

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