Custody Battle in the Vortex?

custody battle and the law of attractionA long time friend wrote today asking me to envision seeing her on the winning side of an ugly custody battle.

It’s the sort of request that makes me take a deep breath.

Because while I feel deeply for her, and can tell how badly she wants this, I also know that approach doesn’t always turn out like we hope.

The reason is because our attachment to results, rather than attachment to feeling puts a kink in things.

If she were as perseverent about how she felt as she is about the outcome she wants to see – this would be a whole different story.

Believe it or not, she doesn’t really want custody of this child – she wants the feeling of well-being that comes in knowing this child is well and thriving. She just doesn’t trust it will happen somewhere else as well as it will with her.

To which she wrote back – respectfully – suggesting I didn’t understand what it was to risk losing a loved one to someone who is obviously not in the child’s best interests.

She asked me to imagine that someone was trying to wrestle away one of my beloved pets. (She knows I don’t have kids, but am nuts for my animals.)

Interestingly enough, I didn’t have to imagine.

I had just been through that very experience last month.

It wasn’t my favorite experience, to say the least.

But in it, I recognized that fighting this fight wouldn’t lead to a happy outcome. To paraphrase Abraham, “Unhappy journeys don’t have happy endings.”

So I did my best – which wasn’t overly impressive – to get okay with the fact that things might not turn out here like they “should.” That this beloved animal who deserves to be happy and loved may very well end up in a home where he struggles, is neglected, overlooked, and uncared for.

But I did my LOA work:

* I decided to trust that he was going to be okay regardless of how things turned out. “His well-being is assured.” After all, I’m not God – I don’t know what’s best for this little guy. (That one I had to work on between thoughts of anger, resentment and vengeance. It was quite the ride.)

* After I practiced better feeling thoughts for a few days, I was able to imagine some good things might actually happen for him in that other home. I mean, maybe this really is a happy ending. I don’t know. I was making room for the possibility, trying not to be attached to the ending I wanted.

* Then I put myself in the shoes of the person who was fighting to keep him, which was easy to feel compassion for someone who so badly wanted this beloved being in their life. We all did! So that was easy to understand, and made it easier to relax about the fight they were putting up. It made sense to me.

And when it did come time to turn my loved one over to exactly the home I didn’t want him to go to, I did my best not to be a b*tch about it (probably got a C minus on that), cried for the rest of the day – and on and off as needed that week – then committed myself to thoughts that felt better.

There were really a lot of good ones to find once I devoted myself to it.

And that’s what I was looking for all along – to feel better. To be happy. To feel good about how I conduct myself in the world and to believe good things were in store for this amazing beautiful baby.

Not to micromanage Universe in how things should happen. 

I did get an unexpected progress report the other day that my little guy is thriving and making friends, which helps fuel more good thoughts.

So my suggestion to someone who wants to see a happy ending in their custody battle is to devote yourself not to the battle, but instead to thoughts of this child’s well-being. Make the effort to see positive qualities in the other parties involved. Trust yourself to be a cooperative component in this happy unfolding.

Remember that everything always works out.

Since my kids aren’t human, though, I’d appreciate hearing from you law of attraction savvy parents (and aspiring parents) on this subject. Got thoughts to share about custody issues in the vortex?

  • July 24, 2011
  • Julie Masters says:

    Hello Evelyn,
    I don’t know any lawyers in Mississauga, but I know that I have utilized free legal aid available at the courthouse here in the States.
    If this is a new “interpretation” of the legal agreement, on the father’s part, it would seem that the document filed would easily determine what the holiday visitation boundaries are.
    There are so many questions to “feel” out though, in regards to your situation. How old is your son? Is he safe with his father? How long has he been away from you in the past? How does he feel about the situation? Why is the father making these changes, if, as you wrote, the time has been split in half previously? The answers are not as important as how you FEEL when you ask yourself the questions.
    Having gone through the years of raising my youngest son in a potentially contentious situation with his father, I have felt extreme fear, frustration, and sadness. Sometimes I have taken one peaceful step at a time through a legal labyrinth. What has worked for me though (and I’m not suggesting it’s easy)is to take MYSELF out of feeling resistant and contentious, regardless of what his father does. Finding my own feelings of trust and love and peace, has moved me, and my amazing son, through it.
    Blessings to you all,
    Julie Masters

  • Evelyn Penny says:

    The above comments are interesting and inspiring. I went through 3 years of a custody battle with a the father of our son who disappeared for two weeks after I told him I was pregnant and proceeded to mistreat me and our son from that day on.
    In our agreement we agreed to split school holidays now Christmas is approaching and the way the court order is written up our son’s father is interpreting that he gets the entire Christmas and News Year school vacation with our son. I have sent to two e-mails requesting that the Christmas school holidays be split in 1/2 like it was the year before. Our son’s father is not bending on this. I am one of those people who has spent $30,000.00 (my average earnings in $20.00 an hour) in Ontario to make sure my son is raised in his home town of Mississauga where our son was born. Our son’s Dad lives in Ajax.
    Do you know any lawyer in Mississauga that will represent me for free so I can have Christmas holidays with my son this year like have had every year since he was born?
    Your help is greatly appreciated.
    Evelyn Penny

  • Anne says:

    I am reminded of the story of King Solomon and the two women who came to him arguing over custody of a baby. In his great wisdom he solved the case by suggesting that he cut the baby in half and give each women a half. The real mother said, “no, no don’t do that, she can have him/her.” Kind of a backwards version of finding the feeling that feels better and focusing on the well-being of the child (the life of the child in fact).
    Its a wise judge that understands the vortex and non-attachment and the kind of parental love that truly cares about how the child/puppy will be thriving. This is a hard one and would be attached here to the quality of the divorce proceedings which often take place outside of the vortex.

  • Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Some wonderful responses and different scenarios here! Jeannette, you know that my underlying intention as an attorney in divorces is for a loving outcome for all involved, especially the children. It doesn’t matter what side I’m on or whether it’s a collaborative divorce, amicable or heated, I always set powerful intentions with myself and my client – and I ALWAYS put them out there and suggest we all set them with the other side when we meet, that the children will be well loved and cared for as our main goal.
    There are scenarios where a parent may not be in the child’s best interest, but it’s rare. Typically the ugliness is between the parents, not having anything to do with the child and not at all threatening to the child. Most parents love their children and are going to d the best they know how to care for them when they have them. The problems arise where one parent judges how the other parent does things and makes them look like a bad parent as a result, and then the other side is usually prompted to find things to make them look like a bad parent too.
    In most scenarios it’s safe to look at the person I’m dealing with and remind them that they chose to have a child or children with this person and at the time they must have thought they had a loving partner to raise kids with. I also tell my clients that children choose their parents before they get here and it’s not up to us to interfere with that choice. Barring any true threats to the child, every child has the right to a meaningful relationship with their parents. Unfortunately, our legal system doesn’t phrase it this way or consider a child’s rights. We do have a “best interest of the child” test, but the rights are always the father or mother’s rights. Hmmm…
    That just inspired me to come up with a Child’s Bill of Rights in divorce. I love when that happens.
    Thanks for bringing us an opportunity to be truthful and open about a tough topic. In the end, everyone is always doing what they think is best.

  • Wow – a restraining order AND joint custody? Wow.
    Clearly – and I love that we have the gift of seeing how that decision played out for you and your son! – clearly it served well for you not to take the adversarial position. Kudos. I can’t imagine that was easy. But it also isn’t surprising to hear it from YOU!
    Thanks for sharing your experiences on this one, Julie. Much appreciated!!

  • Julie Masters says:

    This is a tough one Jeannette–but one of the reasons I enjoy your insights is because you never shy away from the tough ones!
    I have a permanent restraining order with my youngest son’s father. We separated shortly after I became pregnant, but I made the choice to share joint custody, even when the judge herself suggested against it. There was a lot of fear involved, but I adored my son, and I believed that the best way for him to be safe was if I didn’t take an adversarial position. From the time he was an infant, I never prevented his father from spending time with him. As Stella commented, we don’t know what soul contracts have been made, and can only control ourselves, not outcomes.
    It has been fourteen years of practice for me in surrendering my desire to have control of that safety, but I always believed that my son was, and is, a powerful channel of love. I continue to relax into that knowing.
    He saw his father weekly, until last year, when he very calmly, and with that same powerful love, told him that he never wanted to see him again. Initially I felt concern at the intensity of his commitment to that decision, but I recognized that he had practiced what I’ve heard my Buddhist friends call “ruthless compassion”, (what I had done myself when I requested the PRO)and that it was the most loving thing he could do for both himself and his father. I watch him relax and laugh and flourish in his new spacious reality, and I appreciate that my choices never placed him in the middle of a battle. A battle that would potentially not only hurt him, but prevent him from stepping so powerfully and confidently upon his own life path.
    I continue to send e-mails and photos to update his father on our son’s well-being, although our son has no communication with him. He knows it is our son’s decision, and has respected it as such.
    I appreciate endlessly that our relationship allowed such a brilliant light being into my life.
    Blessings to all concerned,
    Julie Masters

  • No doubt, Stella!: (“we don’t know about the underlying energy currents involved, the soul contracts, the lessons chosen to be experienced and the inner equilibrium of each individual concerned so we cannot dictate the end result beyond what we have control over (ourselves).”)
    Let’s hear it for free will!! 🙂

  • Hi Jeannette,
    I’m not a parent at this point, but I wanted to add that I think what you said “devote yourself not to the battle, but instead to thoughts of this child’s well-being” is spot on! I get a lot of clients in the throes of divorce and custody battles and I always work their spell around “the highest outcome for all concerned”.
    Because as you so rightly asserted, we don’t know about the underlying energy currents involved, the soul contracts, the lessons chosen to be experienced and the inner equilibrium of each individual concerned so we cannot dictate the end result beyond what we have control over (ourselves).
    We can only shape our role in creating the best possible outcome by standing in our power and managing our vibration, not based on our perception of what should be, but solidly based on the premise that all is well and as meant to be.
    Bright Blessings*

  • You know what surprised me, Barbara? In researching for this post, I was pleasantly surprised to find a couple of different ATTORNEYS web pages sharing Abraham information about custody battles and divorces!!
    (I was so thrilled to see adverts for legal services on the same page as Abe quotes! That’s my kind of attorney.)
    So – it might not be out of the realm of possibility that the attorneys involved might actually be dialed in on the same thing Lorraine suggested: “harmonious outcome for all.” Stranger things have happened, right?! lol
    Loved your tip: “Get in the vortex, and THEN divorce.” Sigh. Wow. What a thought, huh? I think we’ve got readers here who have actually done that. And your tip to focus on their best qualities is a brilliant way to do that.
    And that you can say you’re a better parent because of all that – that’s reassuring too. Thanks for chiming in, and for holding the good thoughts! You are a gem, my friend.

  • Barbara says:

    Lovely post, Jeannette! This one is near and dear to my heart. I went through a terrible custody battle many years ago (that didn’t turn out like I wanted it to at the time), but because of that process, I grew to learn that no fight in court is anywhere near being in alignment–because it’s a fight. So since this is all happening tomorrow, I would encourage BOTH parents to focus on the well-being of their children. Unfortunately, the lawyers in the case will be trying to help them “prove” that one parent is better than the other….so there will be many “old stories” that won’t serve anyone towards feeling good.
    Meditating, visualizing, focusing on the positive aspects of the children and both parents would be my suggestion here. After all, children benefit from both parents (even if one parent doesn’t feel that the other is parenting very well). There is beauty in the contrast! While it may be a bit late, it would really help if your friend could remember the positive side of why she had children with the guy in the first place–Instead of preparing herself for all the “reasons” why she’s better than him.
    While I went through a very contentious divorce and custody battle, my ex and I are now friends again. People who are close to us can hardly believe it (and at first, it was strange for our kids), but now things are so much better. I used EFT on my anger and made lists of positive aspects about my ex, and things got better very quickly. I will say that I’m a better parent because of it, too.
    Abe says that the best time to approach divorce with kids is of course to first get in the Vortex, then divorce. And the way to get in the Vortex, is to remember the positive about your soon-to-be-ex. Fighting never ends up in the best interests of the kids, but it looks like your friend is headed that way tomorrow. So I will hold your friend and everyone involved in my highest intentions for harmony, peace and love during this time.

  • You’re reading my mind on that one, Lorraine! I thought, well you can’t have a “battle” in the vortex – at least, I don’t think you can. Not in mine, anyway. lol Maybe in some people’s vortices there’s great battles – but I like your suggestion to dial on “harmonious solutions for all.”
    Nicely put. 🙂

  • Lorraine says:

    Ah, one more thing, Why visualize being on the winning side of an ugly custody battle?
    How about visualizing a harmonious solution that everyone is happy with? How about visualizing an easy custody battle, or an easy solution that is for the best for everyone involved?
    Definitely detach from the reality of a custody battle – if that’s what’s happening and get onto another story altogether, asap 🙂

  • Lorraine, literally with every paragraph I read from you, I thought, “Wow, that’s really good.” I can’t even pick a favorite one – it’s all so brilliant!
    Coming from a parent, too, it means a lot.
    Thanks for that! 🙂

  • Lorraine says:

    My most powerful is to remember that my child is PURE POSITIVE nonphysical energy and that no matter what she will be ok. And, I know that when I am worrying about something that I don’t think she can handle or that may not be good for her or will make her unhappy I am sending her the vibe that I don’t think she can handle it.
    The most powerful thing for her to learn is that no matter what she can handle it and she will be fine. And, even with young children, who may not seem to be in control of their thoughts and reality yet, they get that vibe from us….that we know that they are a powerful creator and no matter what they will be fine.
    I would go with the best feeling soothing thoughts I can find. The ones that help me release the most resistance, and that one, that my child gets to decide her own thoughts and her own experience, and she is a powerful creator usually work for me. Also, that contrast ultimately creates more desire and leads to more amazing experiences once we line up with it – and we came to experience contrast.
    I’ve heard ABE say that children of divorced parents have a great opportunity to see and experience first hand two different people and how their thoughts and choices and energy create their life. And then they get to make a decision about how to live their own life. So, you want to be the parent who knows that no matter what, all is well, and that you can focus on what makes you feel good. No matter how bad you think what the other parent does is, your child can have you as a model of how to line up with love and joy – at the same time that they experience the contrast.
    If you are not lined up with love and joy, you can’t help your child in any way that really matter.

  • “Mini magicians”! Now THAT’S a feel good thought, my friend.
    Yes, trusting that it isn’t up to us to pave their good way in the world, but knowing they have a vortex and guidance and that they’re very often better at this stuff than we are … that’s a good thought to remember when we’re struggling with what seems a lack of control to ensure their well-being in the world.
    Thanks for launching the conversation, Peter. 🙂

  • Petecito says:

    Yay, I get to be first!
    Great write-up Jeanette and from one who doesn’t have kids.
    Often parents worry most about the outcome for their kids but after observing mine and being an LOA parent, I know that they are way closer to their vortex/inner selves/god as us adults. I know they’re more powerful and see the world in a much more positive way and that gives me huge trust in knowing that they really will be fine.
    And that makes *me* feel good, too, when I see friends going through the same process, knowing that the mini magicians will flourish in some way.

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