Q&A: Does LOA In Romance Require Games?

This question comes from a sweet soul who’s ready for love and wondering if the advice she’s getting about what it takes to make it happen is accurate.
Here’s her situation and question:

The Rules bookI’d like the fun, full of laughter, good times, gorgeous smooching, juicy chemistry, banter, relaxed & exciting 3 month doesn’t end horribly wrong relationship with someone I really fancy inside and out.
With someone who is intelligent, warm, there’s ace chemistry, smells good – literally and metaphorically – fun, straightforward, only plays blackjack, backgammon, pool, scrabble games.
THEN I’d like the long term commited, long term loving relationship with the one of ones.
I’ve done the “how to manifest more sex” for months now.  Even bought plenty of new underwear.  Woo!
As a woman I don’t play games, am not manipulative, am straightforward, chatty, intellgent, am myself, wear my favourite outfits, have great times, go out, am proactive when I meet people and suuggest meeting up with them again; platonically, as well as romantically. And as a post femisit equlaitarian: I always get a round of drinks in, pay my share: because it seems fair, decent and the right thing to do.
So far, this is what’s happened:
I go out, meet people, romance is not the focus, and then meet  a guy whom I get on with, and am curious about romantically.
They state/grumble that women are: manipulative, play games, are dumb, there isn’t intellectual as well as physical romantical chemical ‘spark’, there’s no banter, they’re no fun, negative, etc.  Said chap realises I’m not any of these things: call me all kinds of awesome with actual comments like:

  • You have the most amazing face; I hope whoever you end up with appreciates it.
  • You’re the best kisser in the world.
  • I’ve never met anyone like you.
  • Wow, I’ve never had a great time like this before.
  • You’re fun.
  • I can be myself around you.
  • You’re gorgeous.
  • You’re beautiful in every way.
  • You have the biggest heart.
  • You’re decent, funny, sorted, you know what you want in life, great to spend time with, funny, you’re amazing intimately…

Chap and I don’t have sex, they say they want to meet up again; and in some cases, that’s the end of it. In some cases said chap then gets together with the very woman they claim to loathe.
Some of my single (or divorced) female friends who find out that I pay my share on dates, scold me for it, then suggest I play ‘The Rules’ type games.
My male friends say when a guy doesn’t call me back that it’s unjust.  When I explain that I haven’t played games or anything like that, they say that when they play games and are rotters, *that’s* when they get the lovely person.  When they’re honest, decent and trustworthy, that’s when they get left.
My married older mates applaud me for not playing games, and for being decent straightforward, and lovely.  My male single mates say I’m doing the right thing and as men they really appreciate women like me.
I don’t want to play games.  I’d like the straightforward lovely deliciousness.
Am I doing something wrong? Is this a Law of attraction thing that I’m not aware of? Do I have to play games and be rubbish to be with someone lovely?
Yours with love and blessings

Okay, readers, you’re up!  What’s your take on whether games are required to get a decent guy?
And got any advice for what our girl could do to leverage LOA in her favor?

  • July 8, 2011
  • LOALoveCoach says:

    Hi There,
    I couldn’t help but sound in on this. One of the frustrating things for women in this time is the strong vibration of independence that is necessary to be single in our culture.
    Independence brings great rewards for women and single women particularly are caught in a trap by this strength. In a way, women become very masculine in order to be the captains of their own ships in this life time.
    Men then don’t know how to approach a woman who is this strong. So, is game playing necessary? No, I don’t think so but creating a strategy to be seen as approachable and vulnerable is a good idea.
    Here are some ideas:
    1. Ask for help. Anytime you can. Don’t stretch to reach, don’t struggle to open things, don’t try to change your oil. Look for ways to ask men to help you.
    2. When you go to the market and the teenage boy asks you if you need help to your car with your purchases. SAY YES.
    3. Allow Chivalry. Wait for men to open doors for you and to treat you with kindness and respect. Be old fashioned in this way.
    4. Practice quiet contemplation. See yourself calm and quiet sitting next to your man. Breathe deeply and connect with quiet satisfaction. Imagine yourself FULL and happy next to him and not because of him.
    5. Re-write your list. When you write of the scrabble playing and deliciousness and all of that, I sense a lot of head energy and not so much heart energy. How will it FEEL when he is doing each of those things with you? Write your list with that in mind.
    6. I am a big fan of Arielle Ford. Her book, The Soul Mate Secret is step by step magic for attracting Love. Her story is amazing. She writes the exact steps that she used to meet Brian at age 44. I know Arielle and Brian personally and they are the real deal.
    I hope these thoughts are helpful!

  • Catherine, what you’re saying is very much what Mat Boggs (“Cracking the Man Code”) shared with Lisa Hayes on her Relationship Rx show earlier this year.
    That concept is very eye-opening to me! (As someone who usually insists that she doesn’t need help and can do it all herself.)
    Thanks for weighing in on this one – your opinion is a valuable and important one to hear!!

  • natalie says:

    Hi sugar plum! What a delight this post is! I love how the freshness of your language reflects the freshness of your joy in being You. What occurred to me as I read, is that it feels like you are already playing by some romantic rules, ie. buying a round, and being a good sport and the comments you get back reflect the good-sportness and GENERAL loveliness of you, but maybe that generalness is setting a tone that is different from the one that brings in the incredible and unique playmate who will be a match to your particular amazingness, rather than a good sport/proper romantic girl vibe. I think you need to take a different sort of account, as you frolic in your romantic playgrounds, and begin to invite yourself deeper and deeper into your own business, and get out of theirs. Asking questions like, am I liking this? want more? less? what’s calling me now? And then just let yourself be greedy and childish about following those good feeling urges. It clutters your vibration to focus on the woobliness of others, and it purifies it to get into your personal sweetmeats of each date, or yummy encounter by intentionally doing a list of 10 things that you loved about this, and let the list be tuned in, a kind of poetry, an invitation to yourself to really find the moments of enoughness or strange inspirations, but ten things that you truly loved about it, and let these lists, and this focus begin to realign your idea of yourself as a romantic player. And set the unique tone of you, being satisfyingly immersed in your love playground (which has no end). What if you reframed your current journey by saying: maybe I’m emitting some kind of wonky vibe cuz I’m not getting exactly what I want, but instead of trying to figure it out, and spin my wheels, I decide I’m going to play my way up. Because I’m good at playing. And I acknowledge that at some point, someone who is so what i prefer is going to sally into the game, but that isn’t my focus, because romantic playgrounds are sweet and sexy, and I think I’ve just been a tad lazy w/ my focus and am manifesting a mixed dating bag, than trying to figure out the rules of that mess, and I’m going to cut the cord, on the mess part of that, like letting go of the ballast, and release into the joy of the playing! cheers!

  • “Frolic in romantic playgrounds” – I love that vibe, Natalie! As well as your observation that we’re ALREADY playing by some rules.
    And “personal sweetmeats” and “play my way up”?! Girlfriend, do you have a blog?! Because you should be writing!!
    So glad you chose to write here for us on this topic! Thank you, Natalie!

  • Terri says:

    have only a few minutes because I have to leave for a date.
    Why on earth would you want to be with a man who thinks such negative things about women? I think a woman as terrific as you sound deserves to be with a man that finds women to be the most delightful creatures on the planet. He finds women fascinating, soft, warm, playful and he wants to find one that he can spend his days loving and being loved by. He does not find them to be deceitful although he may have encountered a few along the way. He does not generalize. He finds the good in others, especially in women. And that seems like the right type of man for you, my dear.

  • Nice point, Terri! And I like the way you said it. lol
    I think we should ALL have a Terri in our lives for moments like this! 🙂

  • MissyB says:

    Can’t think what the film is called but its where a girl hires a male escort to go to her sister’s wedding just to piss off her ex. Only to find out her ex had slept with her sister. Anyway, the escort says something along the lines that women are in the relationships they want/choose to be in. I agree with that.
    I feel a total empathy with the questions being raised here and what has been said…I could have written that.
    Back to what was said in the film…I looked within and found that the reason I find all these men that like me…but not enough to settle with, is because that is all I (underlined/in bold) can handle right now. I can’t settle with anyone right now. I did that and I got hurt. So I am choosing, at some deeper level, the relationships I have. Though I still get hurt (hmmm go figure that one MissyB).
    The Rules or no rules – I think look within for therein is the answer.

  • Indeed, that is always the case, isn’t it, MissyB? (That the answers are within.)
    Love your conscious awareness about where you are and that that’s where you choose to be – for now.
    Thanks for popping in on this one!

  • KE says:

    Natalie, I loved reading that! You have a vibrant way with words, and I especially liked the term “woobliness” 🙂 And the advice is spot on too, I’m going to apply it to my own life, sans woobliness ;D

  • Juergen says:

    Be your authentic you, continue to be open and positive and you encounter the ‘right’ people.
    Playing games or being fake does not work, especially in the long run.
    One is better off scaring 90% of dates away (that one could fool around with games) but if only 10% (or just 1-2 people) stay for whatever ‘fits’ both (may it be friendship, sex, relationship).
    For me, this authentic approach might have shocked some people but most actually appreciate the honesty.
    Enjoy 🙂

  • Thank you, Juergen, for pointing out that even if it seems “most” play it that way it isn’t worth compromising our own selves to join them. And you’re right – it only takes one or two to make it worthwhile to be true to our hearts.
    Actually – remaining true to our hearts IS worthwhile in itself!
    Thanks for posting, my friend. 🙂

  • Amanda42 says:

    I’ll try to offer more wisdom later, but MissyB, the movie is “The Wedding Date” with Debra Messing.

  • Carol says:

    “Stay true to you”!!!! Even if that means that you’re still single. Any attempt to play games and live by rules you’re not comfy with is just gonna throw off your vibe and attract a whole new bunch of players.
    I was in the same boat. I consider myself sorted, fun, independent, down to earth and genuine. I’ve LOA’d, Called in the One, emptied my closets, parked on one side of the garage till I was blue in the face. Till one day someone showed me my wobbliness ( love that Nathalie!! ).
    My financial planner suggested that I commit to a 5 year savings plan. To your average reader, it might not sound like much of a big deal, but after I left that appointment there were tears, I was irrational, borderline hysterical and hyper ventilating. How could I, who has lost almost my entire net worth after my divorce COMMIT to a 5 YEAR savings plan??!! What if I lose my job? What if can’t make the payment? What if, what if, what if??
    I had to own that maybe, just maybe, I had the same deeply rooted fear of committing to another relationship. What if I wake up after 15 years and my husband tells me he leaving… and I lose everything… again??!! What if, what if, what if??
    So maybe leave some room for some wobbliness in there too, coz we’ve all got out own wobbles in there somewhere. Those very same wobbles are sometimes the things that bring out the best in a person, you know, once you get past the irrational hyper ventilating ;-)))

  • Carol, I got goosebumps reading your response!
    And your last line made me laugh out loud.
    Thanks for that! And on behalf of our questioner, thanks to you and everyone else who is weighing in so thoughtfully here!

  • Amanda42 says:

    “I’m going to play my way up.”
    Oh my goodness, Natalie! I love this! This seems like such a better option than wallowing! Wow. That really resonated with me. Life gets so much more fun and wonderful when we play more, and as the To Catch A Dog post taught, “desperate energy sends anything running desperately!” (If you haven’t read that post, look to the left and up a bit; it’s one of the most-read posts and it ties in brilliantly with what Natalie says.) So if we want better dating experiences (or really any type of experiences – I think I’ll try this with my job search), it might be more beneficial to play our way up rather than worrying or fretting! Thanks, Natalie!

  • Amanda42 says:

    In case I didn’t make it perfectly clear, we attract better things with playful energy than with desperate energy.
    (I’m tired and sometimes I don’t quite get to the point when I’m tired! 🙂 )

  • That’s a good summary, Amanda! And a good reminder of what serves us best.
    Thank you for that! 🙂

  • Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    So many wonderful responses already! I love Catherine’s and Natalie’s responses. You do have to be true to yourself, but if you’re paying or doing the things you do for any reason other than it’s what feels best to you, make sure you check in with that.
    One of the biggest mistakes women make in dating is trying to figure out what men want and play to that. Your questions are all about what HE’s thinking and wanting and saying on the date and how HE follows up after. One of the first and constant things I do with my clients is walk them through learning how to articulate and understand what YOU think, want, feel and how YOU want to follow up. Do you even like a guy who talks about how “most women” are xyz? What are you thinking about “most men” if you are attracting men like this? Usually like attracts like.
    One of the most attractive and effective strategies I used when I was out there dating was to really focus on what I wanted and thought. Then I would just assume if I was thinking it, the man I wanted to be with must be thinking it too. It worked.
    I agree with the others who said allow a man to open the doors, treat you to dinner, carry something for you, etc. I have to ask why we women feel so strongly that we must do it all just because we can. When I finally decided to allow someone to take care of me, he showed up. My husband LOVES to take care of me and when I let him take care of me that is when we are happiest. I am one of the most independent, strong women out there – lawyer, business owner, money maker, home owner prior to marriage all by myself, etc. But my husband genuinely LIKES buying me dinner, airing up my tires, carrying my briefcase to the car, taking the dogs out in the rain for me, etc. Ask yourself how it might feel to be cherished in that way.
    You don’t have to play any games. But you do have to remember that you are trying to marry a MAN, and I often think they might wonder what we need them for. They need to feel needed. Trust me.

  • Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    One more thought on the kissing or physical stuff and how soon you go there: It’s totally up to you, and if you feel it’s game playing to wait when you feel like you want to kiss or sleep with someone, then go for it. However, you want your mate to respect you. Many men who are worth the wait want you to be worth the wait, too. There’s plenty of time to get to know each other that way. For men, it can be about the thrill of the chase. If that sounds like a game, well…ask yourself to define games. It’s more of a dynamic that they thrive on in relationships. It applies when you’re married, too. It’s not just first date stuff.

  • I particularly liked how you said this, Dana:
    “One of the biggest mistakes women make in dating is trying to figure out what men want and play to that.”
    I see manifesters do that with Universe sometimes, too. ha

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