When It Feels Good to Get Mad

In a recent podcast I told the story of how good it felt to throw an engagement ring across the room at my fiance.

That might sound like a strange thing to delight in.

It was delicious, though. To this day I rank it as one of the best moments of my life.

Here’s why (and why contrast can be so valuable) …

Even though I was in my 30s and old enough to know better, I had pretty much devoted my life to pleasing others.

I was a good girl with a strong track record of doing what others wanted – straight A student, summa cum laude college grad, excelling at work, and general expert at pleasing parents, friends, teachers, bosses and boyfriends alike.

I was so good at doing what others wanted that when my fiance insisted I stop talking with an ex who was also a good friend, I acquiesced.

Even though there was nothing romantic between us and no reason my fiance should be worried, I did as he wished. Seemed a shame to give up a good friendship for no good reason, but back then I believed that relationships required compromise.

So I did what he wanted.

My fiance also insisted that I move in with him, because he didn’t like that we lived 30 minutes apart and wanted us to have more time together. Even though that tripled my work commute and meant uprooting several dogs and cats.

If that’s what he wanted, I’d do it. Because that’s what I did – what others wanted.

In preparation for that move I was painting before a friend moved in as my new renter.

My fiance came over to “help,” which meant watching me paint while talking about his day. I noticed his new shoes and complimented them.

“Oh yeah,” he said. “My ex picked these out for me.”

“Your ex? Picked out those? For you?” Just like in a car wreck, I could feel time starting to slow.

“Yeah,” he said. “We were shopping together and she picked them out.”

There was silence while I processed what he was saying and found my next words …

“So, I can’t even talk to my ex, let alone see him, but you can go shopping with yours?”

“Hmm,” he replied. “I see your point.” There was a three second pause while he looked up at the ceiling to think about it.

“But no.”

He would not hold himself to the same standard he held me to.

And that is when the ring came off.

With trembling fingers and a pounding heart, I finally said no. I finally stood up for myself and put my own desires above someone else’s.

Lil ole people-pleasing me, finally drawing the line.

It was like in the Matrix when Neo stops running and turns to face the agent.

I was becoming myself. Instead of what someone else wanted me to be.

(And maybe ring-throwing wasn’t necessary, but even in hindsight I think it was a nice touch.)

And that’s what I would wish on everyone

A chance to hear their heart, and the courage to say yes to it. Even when it’s hard. Even when others don’t approve. Even if it’s delivered through contrast.

That was the gift my fiance gave me.

Abraham says we didn’t come here for feathered nests and nothing but joy and bliss. (If that’s what we wanted, we’d stay on the other side of the veil!)

Contrast is part of the gig here.

It’s not a sign of failure when we’re in it. In fact, it’s very likely bringing one of the best gifts we could ever have. So when it’s that time, let’s roll with it.

  • July 18, 2016
  • Namaste says:

    Warms my heart reading a story about you putting your foot down and saying, “No” to compromises in relationships. I also use to associate relationships with compromises. Thankfully, a woman gave a similar gift that caused me to say, “No more.” Her gift led me to Relationship Anarchy which is worth looking into for anyone who is stuck compromising their lives away in relationships https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Relationship_anarchy

  • Pat says:

    Love that story Jeannette….I too have had a few moments with my ex-husband like that (not quite with the ring throwing) but finally standing my ground and putting up some boundaries after getting kicked in my accommodating ass…

  • anonymous says:

    This has been me many times! Getting angry can be a huge relief!
    Do you have any tips for manifesting a new computer and software? Right now I don’t have the money to afford what I’m looking for, but I keep thinking about it and all the amazing things I’ll do with it!

  • Margareth says:

    Yes, yes and yes….I sooo get this story. I’ve experienced a story like that although there was not ring throwing involved lol.
    However it did take a long time for me to see that this was one of the best things that could have happened to me and really set me free of my people-pleasing, overly-supportive and (as a result of that) self-destructive behavior.
    Thanks for the reminder Jeanette, i’ve come such a long way since that story and i’m loving it!

    • Jeannette says:

      Time does that, doesn’t it, Margareth? We don’t necessarily see in the red hot moment what a cool gift we might be getting – but thankfully hindsight helps with that.
      Here’s to celebrating the self-love ground we’ve covered and hopefully inspiring a few others to do the same. 🙂

      • Shan says:

        I LOVE this story, Jeannette; I an feel the energy of it and the authenticity of your action all the way over here in Ceredigion!!! And the way you write it is so brilliant. Thanks for making me laugh!
        Btw, where do you send notifications of podcasts? Idon’t seem to receive them any longer.

  • Steve says:

    You might have washed it off in the paint for him just to show there were no hard feelings. 🙂

    • Jeannette says:

      haha yeah. To his credit, he was smart enough to know this was no time to talk, and quickly made an exit. He sent his brother over later to collect the ring after reconciliation attempts were ineffective. lol

  • Karen says:

    I looooooooved that story!

  • Jesann says:

    “It’s not a sign of failure when we’re in it. In fact, it’s very likely bringing one of the best gifts we could ever have. So when it’s that time, let’s roll with it.”
    Thank you. 🙂

    • Jeannette says:

      I talk with creators regularly who think it means they’ve failed as a manifestor if they experience anything bad or negative.
      That just isn’t so.
      It’s part of the process. How we navigate it could be a sign of our LOA prowess (which I did not have at the time of this story!) but it’s not like we’re measuring success based on never having an unwanted experience ever again.
      Thanks for reading, Jesann. 🙂

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