December 18, 2009

Guest Post: Coach Iyabo on How to Not Give a Rip

blooming lotus flowerBecause most of us were trained at a young age to please others (make parents happy by eating vegetables, doing homework, making bed, being nice, etc.), we deliberate creators can find it challenging to hear and follow our own inner guidance above all else.

Doing what feels good without worrying about what someone else thinks about it isn’t the way most of us were raised, right?
Which is why I asked Coach Iyabo to share some insight on this topic for us.
Here’s what she shared:

First of all, let us be clear:
When it comes to the issue of “what others think,” you are the issue, not them.
It is all about your perception when it comes to what others think about you and of course, you are only worried about it if it is a negative judgement. So it is about judgment.
Being the law of attraction savvy people we are, we know that if we are concerned about what someone else thinks of us, it means we are judging ourselves!  Duh!
Epiphany, huh?
Ok, so why are you judging yourself?
Because you are not seeing yourself as perfection through the eyes of Love!
When it comes to judging myself, I know all about it and the truth is that I have been very unkind to myself.
I judged myself a lot when I decided that I really did not want to practice law any more.

  • “What would people think?”
  • “What would my family say?”
  • “How could I waste all that money I spent on getting a legal education?”
  • “What would other lawyers say?”
  • “Would people think I was ‘flaky’ by calling myself a ‘life coach?’”

Obviously I needed to make peace with it myself. And I did.
It came down to this: My happiness is far more important than what anyone else thinks anytime, anywhere!
Sounds simple enough, huh?
Let’s look at it this way, too …
We humans have a need to belong and unconsciously seek that sense of belonging. So our drive for “approval from others” comes from the desire to belong and not be cast out of the tribe.
It’s a good thing to liberate yourself from this mindset.
Which you can do by remembering we’re no longer in the the dark ages. Today, we get to choose who we want to be around. You are no longer in survival mode. You are in thriving mode. So, as a thriver, whose approval do you need the most?
Yours, of course!
If you wake up each day and remind yourself that there is no need to be defensive and that no matter what you do, you love and approve of yourself, you’ll be well on your way to freedom.
Start loving and approving of yourself. Find things to enjoy and appreciate about you and you’ll find the judgments of others falling away.
And while you are at it, Stop Judging Others!
(If you are concerned about others judging you, trust me, it takes one to know one!)
Now, my final trick for this issue is practice h’oponopono and I practice it often:

  • I am sorry (maybe, maybe not.)
  • Please Forgive Me.
  • I Love You.
  • Thank you.

Remember that your judgment of another – even your perceived judgment by another – is likely sourced from your judgment of yourself.
You do not approve of yourself, your actions and your thoughts on that issue 100%!
So please, give yourself a big hug and lots of love. After you are done loving on yourself, know that I love you too.

Wise words, Iyabo!
I suspect many of you reading this have insights on additional methods to liberate yourself from what others think. We’d love to hear them!
Thanks in advance for sharing, and thanks, Iyabo, for accepting my invite to write on this topic.

  • JG. says:

    I read your blog, and only write to wish you a Merry Christmas!…

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Adrienne, I love that. I will share the love on that one!
    Hugs to you,

  • Adrienne says:

    A friend told me a line that I find very liberating when I start to “assume”/”make up stories” about other people’s feelings/thoughts as it relates to me based on MY observation of their actions or lack thereof: “It’s none of your business what someone else thinks of you.”
    I remind myself of that line so as to get out of THEIR head, and then to get back into MY head, I remind myself of all the wonderful things that I think about me :).

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Aline, thank you so much. I promise you that I really struggled with being nice about it too! LOL!
    Hugs to you for being so awesome and sharing your heart here.
    Monica, thanks for stopping by.

  • Monica says:

    Wow, fantastic story Iyabo!

  • Aline says:

    wow, that’s a really moving story. thank you for sharing!
    it gave me a new insight of how to turn frustration into something good.
    now, i guess i will just have to learn the “how to bring my point across in a soft and nice, friendly way”. often, especially when it personally concerns or moves me, i tend to loose it with my tone of voice and offend people that way unintentionally. definitely want to change that though in order to share my feelings in a way people can hear it and deal with it.
    thanks again so much!

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Thank you Aline! I appreciate you stopping by. I have had this issue come up for me several times with a friend who is into all the designer stuff and is constantly asking me who made my shoes, my clothes, my handbag, etc.
    I noticed that long before she came over, I got sucked into that vibe. So I would anticipate it and I would put on my nicest stuff, and enter into the vibe. I hated that vibe because it made me feel inadequate. I have never been much of a dresser but I always feel bad around the “coco-channel suit” wearing individuals.
    Well, of course every single time I saw her, she asked those crazy questions that drove me mad.
    One day, I noticed my participation in this crazy vibe and I made sure I did not enter into it any more..
    So she came over once day and she started out with the questions. I told her that it was none of her business and I did not care for her questions.
    I told her that I do not want to feel that I am being judged when I spend time with her and I felt very uncomfortable with those questions. I held back on my anger and said it softly and nicely.
    This led to the most amazing conversation. She said she always wanted to be a fashion designer (something I did not know) and that she sees everything through the eyes of fashion. She apologized profusely. I also felt bad because now I had hurt her feelings.
    However, it turned out to be an amazing opportunity.
    As a result of this conversation, she has been importing batik fabric from Africa, where she is from and is designing outfits for other African women here. I own two of her dresses and my friendship with her is deeper and sweeter.
    Please stand up for yourself and allow your friendship with yourself and your neighbor to deepen.

  • Aline says:

    Thank you for your insights!
    I have a neighbor who is very judgemental and every time she comes to my house she tells me what I should or should not do with my life, partner, house, etc. In the beginning it really frustrated me, bothered me, I asked myself why do I even bother, why does it affect me?
    It is so easy that a judgement of another person can make your self esteem smaller until those judgements become yours.
    As much as I believe in myself, my opinion, strenght, etc. judgements of others do affect me.
    So I thank you all for sharing your thoughts on this one. Seeing that no-one is free from judging or being judged already make it easier 🙂

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Meg, thanks for dropping by. I love your picture. What a great hairstyle – you look like someone who does NOT give a rip! I love it.
    Tiffany, thanks so much for stopping by. I love that you worked it out already. I love how you are for yourself.
    I am also glad you got to practice H’oponopono and it does not matter the order – I do not think.
    Hugs and love to both of you.

  • Tiffany says:

    I love this post! This was one the hard concept for me to wrap my head around. People-pleasing was a HUGE source of stress for me until I found LOA. It used to drive me to tear sometimes when someone was upset, this combined with a low self esteem was lethal haha.
    I’m glad I’ve come to a place of final relaxation and know the truth. I deserve every great thing I get in life. Someone doesn’t like it? Who cares, I do! 😛
    By the way, I’ve never practiced h’oponopono, but today everytime something upset me or made me mad, I wen through it saying “I’m sorry. please for give me. thank you. I love you.” (out of order, I know). But it made me feel better! So thanks for that tip!

  • gemstone3 says:

    Iyabo, Jeannette and all~
    I really needed this post. Thank you all so much for enlightening me.

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    LOL, Jessica! I love that perspective.
    You know, it struck me reading your post that sometimes our own energy must be all over the place and this allows others to stay in our business.
    All you want to do as far as your daughter goes with those conversations is to provide health for your child. That is all.
    Nobody is up with you at night if she does not feel well. No one else is parenting her with you.
    I love a mom who gives her kids cereal and monitors their ice cream consumption. You obviously think outside the box and it is working for you.
    Thanks for your story. All is One.

  • Jessica says:

    I had a funny day once that put this topic into perspective! At work, I had a co-worker interject about how I need to lighten up as a parent and let my daughter have more than “one” ice cream if she wants. (feels crummy when people tell you how to parent when you are just trying to keep your kids healthy.) Then later that night, on the phone with my Aunt, who I only touch base with every few months, reacted strongly when I made a comment that maybe my daughter and I would be having a simple dinner of cereal for dinner… she started to shame me into how kids need balanced diet and vegtables and protein, etc. That cereal is not ok for dinner (even though she had no idea what my daughter had eaten throughout the week or day! again, feels crummy considering I take such care to make sure she has healthy diet!) So in the same day, I’m being told I’m not being healthy enough and being told I’m being “too” healthy! haha.
    Makes it clear that we can’t please anyone else (Or worry about what they think!) but can only do what is best for ourselves! How can I be both ends of the spectrum? Then again, how can I not be both ends of the spectrum at all times? (All is One).

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    O Monica, wiser words have never been said. Thank you!

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Kim, thank you so much for coming by here. What a great perspective on a writer who puts her books out there and people buy it based on what they think of us!
    But isn’t that what we all do? Whether we are writers or coaches or employees at a company, or ceos on Wall Street, we create our lifestyle and income (most times) based on how others perceive us – the value they attach to our goods or services.
    We just have to put what we do out there with the confidence that we are powerful magnets and mirrors and we attract what we are.
    I love how you use the worthies. Perfect, perfect example of it.
    Indeed, you are worthy of rave reviews and of every person on the planet buying your books!

  • Monica says:

    Well, I’ve been thinking about it some more, and my current thought is that we will all give up judgment when we realize that nothing is ever wrong.

  • Kim Falconer says:

    Wonderful post, Iyabo! You take a seemingly convoluted issues and make it so simple to understand.
    If we are concerned about what someone else thinks of us, it means we are judging ourselves! Bingo!
    I find if I get worried about what others think (like every time a book comes out and it’s reviewed by readers and critics, the results accessible to millions of people online….) I do my ‘worthies’. Jeannette taught me this! I just list out things I’m worthy of (like a reminder) and so soon (even in the face of critique) I’m feeling light again!
    I am worthy
    I am worthy of respect
    I am worthy of love
    I am worthy of rave reviews
    I am worthy of joy
    I am worthy of all the fun in the world
    I am worthy of all the energy in the world
    I am worthy of communication
    I am worthy of emotional honesty
    I am worthy
    I am worthy . . .
    Try them the next time you think you’re being judged and feel the energy shift!
    Thank you again Iyabo and Jeannette!
    xxx Kim

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Robert, indeed you are spiraling out of control! To funny land! You are so funny!
    But so true! We do this type of damage to our own energy.
    If we just imagined what it feels like to be so critical of Source Energy, we would not do it any more. We are Source Energy – we are one with all.
    Thank you Robert and big hugs to you!
    I appreciate you for stopping by.
    Also, with the h’oponopono, the energy of “I am sorry, please forgive me” is the energy of sloughing off to me.
    I think if you took the posture of letting go of what no longer serves you as you enter into the “I love you and thank you” part of it, you may find that it is just as powerful and effective.
    Hugs to everyone!

  • You are hilarious, Robert.

  • Robert says:

    The thing that I think is so funny about “worrying about what other people think” is that I have spent so much time worrying about what others might think, EVEN in matters that no one would ever know about.
    For example, I find it extremely liberating to eat a baked potato and not feel guilty about not fixing anything to go with it. Oh, and today my “lunch” consisted of cheese and crackers!
    Wait, I better not post this, I mean, what will people think when they read it! –spiraling out of control…

  • Well, Janette, you and Iyabo have me rethinking my two-sentence version of ho’oponopono.

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Janette, I love how you expand and extend this process. I appreciate you and thanks for stopping by.
    You really flowed in “Santa” energy by practicing h’oponopono on the guy in the store – LOL!
    I love it!

  • Janette says:

    I love ho’oponopono – especially when it presents me with a challenge. If I have trouble saying “I’m sorry” that tells me I’m trying not to take responsibility, and gives me the opportunity to step up and acknowledge that i create EVERYTHING in my reality (even the old guy who yelled at me in the supermarket today because the Christmas queues were too slow, LOL!).
    And when I say “I forgive you” I’m forgiving myself AND the bit of any other co-creator which is out of alignment with their Inner Being. I need the act of forgiveness because it also reminds me that I have total choice about how I respond.
    The thanking and loving is all just part of the joy.
    It’s the perfect recipe, I reckon!! Thanks Iyabo, great post (and thanks Jeannette for hosting!)

  • That IS a powerful question, isn’t it, MissyB? “Is it true?”
    It stops a lot of struggle and heartache right there when we simply stop to question!
    Thanks for reading and especially for chiming in on this conversation, girlfriend.

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    MissyB, Thank you for commenting.
    This is what I am finding out more and more each day: We are so hard on ourselves. We are so critical of ourselves. Many of us some how believe that we are fundamentally flawed and so we keep looking for what is wrong with us.
    Believe me, I know. I have been there.
    The moment you get that you are perfect. You are amazing. You are awesome. You are the perfection of beauty! Ahhh, yes! That is you and that is me!
    The moment you get it, all this other stuff sloughs off and your energy becomes so clean.
    So any time you think or feel, “What is wrong with me?” Just laugh, that is what is wrong – thinking that something is wrong.
    How about instead of exploring the self appreciating aspect of yourself, just assume it!
    I am grateful you came by and left your wonderful comment.

  • MissyB says:

    Excellent post – thank you – needed it this morning as I am currently wanting to explore the self appreciation aspect of myself.
    I was a highly critical person – of others and therefore myself. I came from a critical family…they still are and I’m breaking free. I try to replace every critical thought with a postive thought. Easy when I can catch myself in the act…not so easy when criticism is so well ingrained in my thought process.
    Pernille – I love your friend’s and now your process for dealing with the “gossip”. I’m going to try that now. I use Byron Katie’s process normally when I think someone is not being nice – do I know its true. For example – my friend hasn’t called me. I’d worry because I’d think I’d dome something wrong (see why I need self appreciation now !) The moment I catch myself, I just ask myself do I know its true. This slap allows me to move on.
    As always – love it here. Thanks.

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Hello Monica and thanks for commenting. A lot of folks have that issue with the forgiveness part of h’oponopono. Even Joe Vitale says he does not do that part of the equation.
    However, many of us have a problem forgiving ourselves. I would even venture to say that if you are very caught up in wondering what others think about you, you are judging yourself and it is reflected back to you.
    The funny thing about h’oponopono is that you use it to talk to God, Source, Universe, Yourself, Your energy, others, etc. So for me, it works that it puts me in the space of cleaning up my own energy.
    Thank you so much for commenting.

  • I can relate, Monica.
    Is it still ho’oponopono if I just use “I love you, Thank you”?
    Well, even if it isn’t, that’s what feels good to me!

  • Monica says:

    Iyabo, you have a way of really getting to the heart of the matter! Great post.
    I do have to say though, that I have always had a problem with h’oponopono. Source ALWAYS loves us and never needs to forgive us. So to think that we did something to be sorry for is to be out of alignment with Source.
    Pernille and Mitch, I guess you are both really saying similar things, that we decide how we interpret things. Good ideas.
    Good times!

  • That made me laugh out loud, Mitch!! (“It’s all about me!”)
    Thanks for the smile – always a pleasure to hear from you!

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  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Mitch, thank you so much! You really are awesome! Here you go also with the power of choice. You get to choose what you want to believe about yourself and about what others think about you.
    I love how you are practicing the power of choice.

  • Mitch says:

    Great post, Iyabo! You bring up some really good points. I always love to hear you talk about releasing these kinds of programs from childhood. You have such a good understanding of it!
    I’ve been playing with the idea of my opinions of me vs. others’ opinions of me lately, so this topic is perfect for me right now.
    I’m having a lot of fun exploring the idea that everything I experience in this life comes through the filter of my mind, and I can make that filter into whatever I want it to be. Even thinking in these terms for just the past two days has made me feel so liberated! I’m finally understanding that there isn’t some outside entity that I need to please or satisfy, and that if I’m looking for encouragement or validation, I can give it to myself!
    In short, it’s all about me. 😀
    Seriously, though, practicing these thoughts regularly is actually turning my whole world upside down. In a good way. It changes the landscape of everything I say I want and why I want it. This is big stuff you’re illuminating for us. Thank you!

  • I agree, Pernille – we’re making it up anyway, may as well make it good.
    That’s a powerful habit of self-love to practice.

  • Iyabo Asani, The Inner Genius Coach says:

    Thank you Pernille! I appreciate you. I like that one. You highlight a very key point, which is, you have a choice what you think. Even when we decide that others are thinking negatively about us, it is a choice we make.
    Thanks for bringing that up!
    Great strategy!

  • Been there – done that – imagining what others might think/say! – for very many years!
    However, experience has taught me, that I NEVER know what other people think about me!!!
    Which means I’m only guessing and I’m probably guessing wrong!
    Some years ago a friend told me that she knew she was only guessing, so she simply chose to “guess something nice and positive every time”.
    I liked the idea very much and decided to try it out myself. So every time I was in a situation where I had the feeling that someone was talking about me, I imagined they were saying something very nice – and you know what? – it actually felt very good 😉
    I’m still practicing this, and I’m convinced it has helped me a lot and is part of the reason why I don’t think much about what others might think about me!
    Great post, Iyabo!

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