How to Ruin a Hot Date and Transform an Ex-Relationship

How to Transform a Relationship through Your Power of FocusThis is a story about the power of focus, and how it serves us to be very conscientious about where we point that thing.

Once upon a time I broke up with a boyfriend that I shared a beautiful home with.

I had decided that his jerk-side outweighed his sweetheart-side by more than I appreciated. Our up and down romance came to a final and undeniable end.

Although our co-mortgage didn’t.

For a while we stalemated each other, each refusing to move out of the house we both loved, knowing the other would eventually give in and pack his/her bags.

I had several rescued animals – all of which were either senior, blind or feral – that I was decidedly reluctant to relocate. We would wait him out.

In the meantime, I met a fabulous new guy who was super hot, incredibly interesting and ridiculously charming.

My heart beats fast just thinking about him!

He was hot stuff, you guys.

He’d traveled the world and had amazing stories to tell. He was a triathlete without an ounce of body fat. Handsome, rich, successful, respectful of my work, plus he had the sexiest accent I’ve ever dated.

It was jackpot city!

He was ridiculously easy to have a good time with.

And I did!

Where I wasn’t having a good time, though, was back at the ranch, living under the same roof as my ex. Who did not appreciate my new dating life.

He was ornery, argumentative and inconsiderate, to say the least.

(Understandable under the circumstances, but I figured this is all the more reason he should leave once and for all.)

Remember I had multiple animals in my care, so leaving the house wasn’t an option until I could take everyone with me.

All I could do, since I was unwilling to move the menagerie at the time, was to practice my focusing skills as a conscious creator and set the vibrational tone for the life I wanted.

  • I chose peace, love and happiness.
  • I wanted joy and appreciation.
  • I tuned into well-being and ease.

That stuff was easy when I was hanging out with my hot new date. That didn’t take any effort at all.

But back at home, every time I found myself getting mad at my live-in ex for the wide variety of things I resented him for, I had another chance to redirect my focus and shift my vibe.

Because I knew if I got stuck in resentment or anger I was headed for a life I would not savor.

So I purposely went looking for thoughts about him that made me feel better.

I dialed up some compassion by reminding myself how hard this must be for him. How awful it must be to see your ex enjoying the attention of a new lover. To be facing an empty life without blind kitty Elvis or good ol’ Joe or crazy kitty Luna in it?! Surely I could cut him some slack.

And then he’d do something else to make me mad and I had to start all over again with a redirected focus

… appreciating that he watched the dogs for me while I was out. Thanking him for cleaning the house when I worked late. Noticing that he didn’t delete my favorite show on the DVR after he’d watched it. Sometimes he even waited for me in case I wanted to watch it with him.

He wasn’t that bad.

And we’d had some good times over the years. It was all worth it.

Can you guys guess where this story goes next?

I didn’t, but anyone who understands the power of focus would.

I expected that – with my careful attention to flowing a good vibe – that my ex (or maybe even me, I was learning to be open to it) would eventually decide to move. We’d have a drama free parting, and get on with our separate good lives. Mine of course possibly including a super hot guy whose voice made me melt like a popsicle in July.

Seems obvious, right?! But no …

While I was busy using my focusing powers on my stupid ex, I wasn’t as committed to maintaining good vision for the hot guy. (Who’d have thought that required any effort?! Apparently it does.)

Universe did its thing by using the path of least resistance to match my vibration …

My ex became easier to appreciate. More enjoyable to be around. It got easier and easier to notice nice things to thank him for.

Home life was no longer hell. It actually became rather tolerable. Even pleasant.

While the hot new guy … well, one night he was late for a date. Yes, he texted to let me know, but still. That’s not my favorite thing.

And he kept wanting me to move near him in Park City. Look, my business does well, but a ritzy slopeside home at a ski resort wasn’t going to be my first choice.

He couldn’t imagine having a big yard out in the suburbs. I couldn’t imagine not having a big fenced yard for dogs. And mowing the lawn is one of my favorite things! He hates yard work.

Hmm. This might not be a match made in heaven after all …

And I didn’t redirect those sort of thoughts, because I was concentrating on using focusing skills on thoughts about my ex.

This has actually happened to me before – where the thing that’s easy to enjoy I don’t bother setting any intentions around it because duh, it’s easy to enjoy. It doesn’t need any help! And it turns out okay.

But holy moly, the thing that doesn’t look like any fun – well, it turns out fabulous when I remember to get deliberate and intentional about it! (Have I ever told you the story about my grandma’s funeral? It was amazing!)

That’s how powerful our attention is. Wherever we get focused and intentional, it’s going to show.

I didn’t realize what was unfolding in my love life until it already had.

In hindsight I can easily see it: “Ah, I let myself start complaining about the new guy. I didn’t put those thoughts in check. And I refused to see anything but the best in my ex.”

Seems obvious now, right?

Fast forward one year later, here I am still having a really good time with my ex and reminding myself this gig is going to be whatever I let myself think about it. Do I want to grow problems by dwelling on them? Or do I want to pay attention to what’s going right and let life get even better in the process?

That’s the story of how I ruined a hot date and transformed a relationship with my ex.

I guess the moral of the story is that even super hot guys can be disappointing when I let myself notice things I don’t love about them. And that letting go of “how” Universe answers my instructions for a happy life requires being open about what’s delivered.

Maybe one day I will move, and maybe I’ll invite my ex to come with. Or not. Maybe I’ll stay here, with or without him. I don’t know how the details will play out and I’m not planning them.

All I’m planning is staying dialed on “happiness and well-being” as best I can (by focusing on things I love) and trusting Universe to match my vibe.

And to me that’s all that really matters.

Be an ex, be a new guy – it doesn’t matter. My focus is what makes the difference.

  • November 1, 2014
  • Kurt Sun says:

    Very powerful stuff Jeannette. What you did was no easy feat. Kind of reminds me of the saying “If you want to change the world around you, first change the world within yourself.” Your situation just proves that with the right focus, you can make the best out of your relationships; no matter how seemingly hopeless it already is. People do respond positively to good vibes.

  • Jeannette says:

    Good question, Anonymous! I think it’s quite the opposite (that focusing on good things would make it harder to move on) – focusing on good things can only lead to more good things. One way or another.
    Of course, that does depend on how you’re focusing, I suppose. Like, if you focus wistfully or yearningly, that’s not so helpful. But focusing on good things with pure appreciation – my friend, that can only take you to good places. Especially when you know your happiness and well-being is not at all dependent on him or anyone else.
    I also look for all sorts of thoughts that feel better. One of my go-to’s is that if it didn’t work out with him, it’s because he wasn’t a match to the good things I had in mind. And I can only be happy that he’s out of the way to make room for someone who is a better match for the happy ending I’m conjuring up.
    But there are a wide variety of thoughts that might feel better … our work is to find them and entertain them so the vibration continues to attract good things next.
    Hope that helps?

  • Ani Bell says:

    Jeanette — Loved this post. You’ve a knack for making me think twice about what it is I’m thinking about. THANKS!

    • Anonymous says:

      Hi Jeannette!
      Loved this! How do you recommend you improve your focus for a situation that didn’t go according to hopes if the person isn’t in your life? Having zero thoughts seems to be like trying to not feel feelings- do you focus on the ways you are glad they aren’t there, how the universe has better plans, or the good things about them nonetheless? By focusing on his good things, would it be harder to move on?
      Fellow Sun conjunct Uranus:)

  • Michael says:

    Thanks Jeannette,
    Although I’ve loaded some Aura paintings on my FaceBook page at: michael.david.grossman
    I’m afraid it’s not working. If anyone is interested in trading their skills, cost and time to set up and manage a new Art webpage site for me,
    in trade for your Astral Oil Portrait, or that of a friend, relative who may have crossed over, or pet, please let me know. My email is, and If you email me of your interest, I will be happy to respond with some examples. I also channel Spirit Guides in my paintings, at their request.
    Be happy,

  • Michael, you made me laugh out loud with this insight: “My comment is absolutely, and that may also be the secret to a good divorce.”
    So true!
    And such a pleasure to see you chiming in here. Thanks for sharing, and next time we hear from you I hope we also get to SEE your gifts of painting auras.

  • Michael says:

    My name is Michael, and I’m an Initate of Jeannette’s God Vibe Astrology, the biggest Astro-LOA gathering in the universe. Jeannette has always been kind, and inspiring to me. I am a psychic artist, which means that in a portrait, I am Blessed to see and paint a subject’s Aura, as a timeless healing vibration, of their best and highest good.
    In relationships I am the veteran of a 35 year marriage, which included many ups and downs, and produced two beautiful sons, who are truly caretakers of their Mom.. We recently concluded a no-fault divorce which included a quit-claim deed, transferring for a dollar my half ownership of the home, our car, and personal items to my former wife, who I am proud to call my friend.
    I live alone in a suburban motel, and feel relieved for my actions, which have been supportive to those I love, my family, and myself.
    Reading Jeanette’s blog, has been a privilege for me, and your comments equally informing, and helping me to see and better understand the world of relationships, …and how LOA works. I studied your blog, writing down questions and comments, and then slept on it last night, …before deciding to contribute.
    To Jeannette, a LOA teacher, coach, and friend, I admire your inner strength and commitment, to searching for the truth in all matters, while sharing your personal path, with self-respect , good will, and confidence.
    Jennifer’s comment resonated to me regarding her self-awareness and personal commitment to “always keep my gaze focused on reaching the next level.”
    Chris’s comment that “sometimes it feels good to relax the deliberate focusing process, otherwise I get focused on focusing.”
    Jeannette’s comment to Chris, “…no need to judge, not making it hard work, … but making it habitual”.
    Jeannette’s comment to Jennifer, “…the best way to continue a partnership, (relating to business) is to stay focused on what you love and appreciate about your partner. I guess that’s the secret to a good marriage too.”
    My comment is absolutely, and that may also be the secret to a good divorce.
    I liked Carolyn’s comment, “Nicely put Jeannette, as always.”
    Nichole’s comments captured my attention, “…our reality is a reflection of ourselves. …”I’ve chosen to feel appreciation for all my reflections, …appreciating their aspects that I enjoy. When I’m with a new relationship, I appreciate how fun they are to hang out with, …or how lucky they are to have met me.”
    I never had this thought or feeling before. I appreciate it Nichole, very much.
    And Laura’s response, …”Nothing better than a clear-cut of LOA doing it’s thing.”
    Far out!
    This story of relationships, and re-relationships is ongoing, and important.
    …to the love we show ourselves, and each other, may we All grow in LOA Abundance.
    Wishing you all the best in fulfillment and love,

  • Laura says:

    OK, I love this story. Nothing better than a clear cut example of LOA doing it’s thing. 🙂

  • carolyn says:

    A point of clarity Jeannette. Does that mean you and Russ are romantically involved or do you just not date at all?

  • Melanie says:

    What a fantastic blog. And… an uber powerful reminder.

  • Nicole, I love that you also know how lucky they are to have met you! That’s some nice ‘worthiness’ flowing there!
    And I have to say there does seem to be something very magical and healthy for a relationship that hasn’t made a lifelong commitment to “better or worse.” At least, in my world relationships sure seem to work out better when we use Abe’s approach.
    I also wanted to spotlight your brilliance with this statement: “all of our reality is a reflection of ourselves.” That can be a challenging truth to accept on occasion, but also a liberating and empowering understanding.
    Thanks for chiming in, Nicole. 🙂

  • Nicole says:

    Awesome post! I’ve certainly gone through a lot of these experiences, in multiple relationships while living with an ‘ex.’ It certainly has its challenges. But what I am reminded of is that all of our reality is a reflection of ourselves. What I think and believe of myself reflects back to me…in multiple aspects, multiple reflections. I’ve chosen to feel appreciation for all my reflections, appreciating their aspects that I enjoy. When I’m with an ex, I appreciate how good it is to be friends with a great guy whose kind, or fun. When I’m with a ‘new’ relationship, I appreciate how fun they are to hang out with…or how lucky they are to have met me 😀
    I think it doesn’t matter who the person is…whether they are living with you, or across the country…whatever you appreciate in all your relationships, will begin magnetizing to you the most.
    On a side note – lovin with an ‘ex’ can be a lot more fun than sleeping with someone you are tired of after living together for a bazillion years LOL (reminds me of no strings attached?) As long as you are in alignment with it, of course, as long as its a healthy relationship between you and you.
    I love what Abe says about romantic relationships – “I like you pretty much, let’s see how it goes.” 😀
    Thanks again for sharing your intimate experiences Jeanette!

  • You’re reminding me, Jennifer, of how they tell business partners that the best way to continue a good partnership over the years is to stay focused on what you love and appreciate about your partner. When you’re dialed in like that, you can’t help but have a good time together.
    I guess that’s the secret to a good marriage, too. 🙂
    Here’s to staying focused in a way that takes us where we want to go!

  • jennifer says:

    love this!!
    gave me a great idea, because I generally lose focus when I’ve manifested something, too… so, from now on, the thing manifested is only the ‘landing’ in the midst of the staircase for me… but I plan to keep my gaze focused on reaching that next level!! thanks for the eye-opener!1 🙂

  • That’s so true, Chris – I can’t count how many times a client has returned for coaching after manifesting their most amazing dream come true (a job, a marriage, a pregnancy, a move) because things got a little sideways on them after they got what they wanted.
    I know that’s the process of life – contrast continues. Which is a good thing since it fuels expansion, as Abe tells us.
    So no need to judge it, I suppose.
    It’s funny how the wildly challenging stuff calls us forth to our best focusing game, though, huh?
    Your question is a good one … I think ideally I’d be deliberate about dialing up the love all around. Not making it hard work, although it sure felt like that with my ex at times – but just making it HABITUAL, you know what I mean?
    I don’t know, let me think on that one some more …
    Thanks for posting on this one, my friend! 🙂

  • Check you out, you Deliberate Focuser! 😉
    Many blessings,

  • I guess this story, Cassie – actually, the several I’ve had with him in particular – are testimony to how they tell us we live with our best teachers, huh?
    I’ve definitely learned a lot about myself and conscious creation with this guy in my life.

  • Hey Jeanette,
    This is such an instructive story about how it’s easy to lose focus after you feel like you’ve “made it.” While I was reading it I thought about the times that I felt I made it to a destination and now I could just sit back and relax (but not focus on being relaxed in a deliberate way.) What that did, in effect, is make my focus less sharp and it started introducing resistance to that perfect manifestation.
    If you experienced this emotional narrative again (letting go of negativity related to a past manifestation and goosing up a current manifestation), what would you do differently? Would you focus more often so you could include deliberate attention to both, or would you split the time between the two? Sometimes it feels good to relax the deliberate focusing process otherwise I find I get too focused on focusing (whew, our minds are tricky things. Aren’t they?)

  • Cassie says:

    Oh Jeannette I love this!! I REALLY love this. Of course every time I see or hear about Russ, I too think what’s going on because it always sounds really nice and caring which totally makes sense now. I love it!!! As always, you rock!!!

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