How to Ruin a Hot Date and Transform an Ex-Relationship
This is a story about the power of focus, and how it serves us to be very conscientious about where we point that thing.
Once upon a time I broke up with a boyfriend that I shared a beautiful home with.
I had decided that his jerk-side outweighed his sweetheart-side by more than I appreciated. Our up and down romance came to a final and undeniable end.
Although our co-mortgage didn’t.
For a while we stalemated each other, each refusing to move out of the house we both loved, knowing the other would eventually give in and pack his/her bags.
I had several rescued animals – all of which were either senior, blind or feral – that I was decidedly reluctant to relocate. We would wait him out.
In the meantime, I met a fabulous new guy who was super hot, incredibly interesting and ridiculously charming.
My heart beats fast just thinking about him!
He was hot stuff, you guys.
He’d traveled the world and had amazing stories to tell. He was a triathlete without an ounce of body fat. Handsome, rich, successful, respectful of my work, plus he had the sexiest accent I’ve ever dated.
It was jackpot city!
He was ridiculously easy to have a good time with.
And I did!
Where I wasn’t having a good time, though, was back at the ranch, living under the same roof as my ex. Who did not appreciate my new dating life.
He was ornery, argumentative and inconsiderate, to say the least.
(Understandable under the circumstances, but I figured this is all the more reason he should leave once and for all.)
Remember I had multiple animals in my care, so leaving the house wasn’t an option until I could take everyone with me.
All I could do, since I was unwilling to move the menagerie at the time, was to practice my focusing skills as a conscious creator and set the vibrational tone for the life I wanted.
- I chose peace, love and happiness.
- I wanted joy and appreciation.
- I tuned into well-being and ease.
That stuff was easy when I was hanging out with my hot new date. That didn’t take any effort at all.
But back at home, every time I found myself getting mad at my live-in ex for the wide variety of things I resented him for, I had another chance to redirect my focus and shift my vibe.
Because I knew if I got stuck in resentment or anger I was headed for a life I would not savor.
So I purposely went looking for thoughts about him that made me feel better.
I dialed up some compassion by reminding myself how hard this must be for him. How awful it must be to see your ex enjoying the attention of a new lover. To be facing an empty life without blind kitty Elvis or good ol’ Joe or crazy kitty Luna in it?! Surely I could cut him some slack.
And then he’d do something else to make me mad and I had to start all over again with a redirected focus …
… appreciating that he watched the dogs for me while I was out. Thanking him for cleaning the house when I worked late. Noticing that he didn’t delete my favorite show on the DVR after he’d watched it. Sometimes he even waited for me in case I wanted to watch it with him.
He wasn’t that bad.
And we’d had some good times over the years. It was all worth it.
Can you guys guess where this story goes next?
I didn’t, but anyone who understands the power of focus would.
I expected that – with my careful attention to flowing a good vibe – that my ex (or maybe even me, I was learning to be open to it) would eventually decide to move. We’d have a drama free parting, and get on with our separate good lives. Mine of course possibly including a super hot guy whose voice made me melt like a popsicle in July.
Seems obvious, right?! But no …
While I was busy using my focusing powers on my stupid ex, I wasn’t as committed to maintaining good vision for the hot guy. (Who’d have thought that required any effort?! Apparently it does.)
Universe did its thing by using the path of least resistance to match my vibration …
My ex became easier to appreciate. More enjoyable to be around. It got easier and easier to notice nice things to thank him for.
Home life was no longer hell. It actually became rather tolerable. Even pleasant.
While the hot new guy … well, one night he was late for a date. Yes, he texted to let me know, but still. That’s not my favorite thing.
And he kept wanting me to move near him in Park City. Look, my business does well, but a ritzy slopeside home at a ski resort wasn’t going to be my first choice.
He couldn’t imagine having a big yard out in the suburbs. I couldn’t imagine not having a big fenced yard for dogs. And mowing the lawn is one of my favorite things! He hates yard work.
Hmm. This might not be a match made in heaven after all …
And I didn’t redirect those sort of thoughts, because I was concentrating on using focusing skills on thoughts about my ex.
This has actually happened to me before – where the thing that’s easy to enjoy I don’t bother setting any intentions around it because duh, it’s easy to enjoy. It doesn’t need any help! And it turns out okay.
But holy moly, the thing that doesn’t look like any fun – well, it turns out fabulous when I remember to get deliberate and intentional about it! (Have I ever told you the story about my grandma’s funeral? It was amazing!)
That’s how powerful our attention is. Wherever we get focused and intentional, it’s going to show.
I didn’t realize what was unfolding in my love life until it already had.
In hindsight I can easily see it: “Ah, I let myself start complaining about the new guy. I didn’t put those thoughts in check. And I refused to see anything but the best in my ex.”
Seems obvious now, right?
Fast forward one year later, here I am still having a really good time with my ex and reminding myself this gig is going to be whatever I let myself think about it. Do I want to grow problems by dwelling on them? Or do I want to pay attention to what’s going right and let life get even better in the process?
That’s the story of how I ruined a hot date and transformed a relationship with my ex.
I guess the moral of the story is that even super hot guys can be disappointing when I let myself notice things I don’t love about them. And that letting go of “how” Universe answers my instructions for a happy life requires being open about what’s delivered.
Maybe one day I will move, and maybe I’ll invite my ex to come with. Or not. Maybe I’ll stay here, with or without him. I don’t know how the details will play out and I’m not planning them.
All I’m planning is staying dialed on “happiness and well-being” as best I can (by focusing on things I love) and trusting Universe to match my vibe.
And to me that’s all that really matters.
Be an ex, be a new guy – it doesn’t matter. My focus is what makes the difference.