Q&A: How Do I Get Him to Shape Up?

qa3Last week an ezine subscriber I’ve come to know and love over the years sent this short question (edited for anonymity):

Hi Jeannette,
Our co-worker is quite lazy and inept.  How do I keep from letting this situation into my experience and, yet, make him more accountable and earn his pay?  Any suggestions?

I wrote back suggesting this reader knew more than he gave himself credit for, to which he responded:

I can choose to ignore the situation and give little thought to it, but how does that change his action/inaction…he has to have some measure of  accountability or nothing will get done.

That’s when I realized this topic was worthy of Good Vibe Community attention!
My short response back outlined a four step formula for manifesting change:

  • First we have to feel our feelings or they’ll just get stuck inside.
  • After that, our work is to make some peace with what is.
  • And after that, we start seeing what we like/appreciate about this person/situation.
  • And maybe finish it off with a little imagining what we want.

In most of my client sessions we eventually cover the subject of our influence on those around us.  Most of us aren’t conscious of the effect our energy has on others, but when we become aware of that and manage it deliberately … well, the transformations that take place can seem a little spooky!
I know many would suggest a Byron Katie take on this situation where we not stick our nose in someone else’s business.  And that’s super effective when we can implement it.
But sometimes someone else’s business affects us in ways we aren’t successful at ignoring, right?
(Like my neighbor who made death threats against my dogs and boyfriend and plumber, or an HOA member who threatens to sue us as board members, or when we think the boss wants to fire us – and those are just the calls I took while writing this post! Let’s face it, we’ve all been there.)
I’m turning this one over to you for an in-depth exploration of what to do when we’re feeling challenged by someone in our immediate vicinity.
When it doesn’t feel good (or seem possible) to walk away or ignore it, what do YOU do to best manage the situation?
Thanks for in advance for your excellent input!  Your real life examples are super helpful learning opportunities for the rest of us.

  • June 24, 2009
  • money attraction says:

    First, I will tell a story of myself.
    Before knowing the law of attraction, my girl friend had a bad relationship with my mother because my mother did not like her. I felt it difficult to make them living harmoniously. This situation continued until I found the book “creative visualization”. I began to visualize the result I wanted, for example, my mother smile to my girl friend, or praise my girl friend. things came to change little by little. my girl friend had more chances to prove that she is proper for me. and the ice between her and my mother got melted.
    Later, I knew the law of attraction and began to apply it on the relationship. I tried to visualize the picture that my girl friend and my mother sit together eating, with big smile on their faces. At the same time, I tried to let myself be in that situation and felt that harmony. I kept visualizing every morning, and 3 months later, my visualization came true.
    for the question, my suggestion is:
    0. the most important thing is that you have to admit that you create such situation. you must be responsible for it. This the base to change any situation, no matter you are aware of it or not.
    1. you must believe that you can change the situation you see, feel, hear or touch. you must first know this result and then you can build your confidence little by little.
    2. make clear what you really want. What do you want your work relationship with him like? visualize it, try to be in it and feel it.
    3. release your anger, complain, grudge or any other negative feelings towards him. feel love towards him. you can read the book “zero limit” or search “release technique” in Google. or, read my blog for further information.
    You can certainly change our situations and because your co-worker is in your situation, so you can change what him in your reality.

  • Kimberly Gauthier says:

    I work with a lot of strong (big) personalities and sometimes we clash. What I find that works is…
    1. I except that the only thing I can change how I react to a person, not the person
    2. I think of things (sometimes I write a list) that I like and appreciate about this person; I focus on this list until I start to see the person in a new light
    3. I remind myself that it’s not personal and move on; once I’m in a place where I can move past their actions/behavior, it doesn’t get to me
    In any situation, I always try to keep in mind that I don’t know the entire story behind why someone does or doesn’t do something. This keeps me from making snap judgements that put me in a negative place. And what I term “bad behavior” in others just gives me examples of what NOT to do and makes me an even better employee.
    If the person asking the question is the manager, then maybe it’s time to talk to the employee about cutting back their hours since they don’t seem to have enough to do to warrant full time employment. This is an honest assessment of the situation and may be a great wake up call. It’s amazing how often you really need to tell someone about the effect their actions have on others; some people are truly clueless.
    It’s better to be short staffed and have everyone work a little harder as a team to get the job done, then be at full staff and have employees working harder because one won’t carry their weight.

  • Is it actually even possible to add to this fantastic discussion?!
    My own experience tells me this…. Every time I find myself judging another being – ie: they are lazy or they are mean, crazy, horrid, slow or… whatever. Every time I do that I am aware – I am in judgment mode and the person I am probably judging the most is ME!
    So… for me it is a big eye opener that I’ve got some old stories running around in my head that are actually about me. Not necessarily related to the judgment of the other person – but definitely related to my own self worth.
    When I am feeling really, really good about me – I never notice the lazy coworker or the arrogant cashier or the slow waiter…..
    Does that mean they aren’t there or I just don’t see them? Either answer fits – as the real answer is – If I don’t “see” them – they aren’t in my present reality.
    So…. “seeing” the lazy and slow and mean people are for me a message… Hey Ellie – time to take a break and get back into alignment with the greatness of you!

  • Aglo says:

    I am going to quote Joseph Campbell,Master Mythologist.
    You want to change “The World” change the Metaphore.

  • Anna says:

    When someone comes to me with less-than-flattering things to say about another, once they’ve finished venting, I usually ask them one of two questions, depending on the relationship between Joe and Joe-Bugs-Me…
    If it’s a close, personal relationship, as in Joe is my partner and keeps doing this and thinking that and saying those other things that hurt and bother me – Well, I ask if Joe-Bugs-Me has actually let Joe know these feelings.
    Usually, the answer is “no.” How can we expect someone’s behavior toward us to change if we don’t let them know it bothers us?
    In acquaintance-type or work relationships, where we tend to put our best facade forward while Joe continues to bug me because his work discipline sucks, his home is a pig sty, and his priorities are messed up –
    “So? What’s it to you?”
    I’m not saying this is highly effective in the pacifying sense. It can be, however, most beneficial for discovering and moving through our apparent urge for judgement… Which in my view, is ultimately the core problem – that blasted ridiculous desire to JUDGE. It makes us angry, whether we’re judging ourselves, the busty woman in that tube top, the neighbor who drinks everyday, or that lazy coworker Joe. We’re upset and feel crappy every time we think about them… I mean, how silly is that?!
    It’s just as likely that they don’t like everything about us, too, so… what’s it to us?
    There are as many things going on with Joe, and in Joe’s mind, as there are with Joe-Bugs-Me. Call it a draw, live and let live, and focus on our own life. In other words, chill out.

  • Oops typo! “weren’t going to fly” guess I was flyin’ !

  • “”you did attract this person and situation into your life for a reason… and that reason is that it is mirroring something you have not yet accepted or owned in yourself. Oh so painful, but true!””
    One of my big values is honesty and I cldnt figure out why I attracted situations and people that were the opposite in the past month. I realise now it’s cos I wasn’t “showing up fully” or living from integrity / authenticity myself.
    Once I “woke” up and started re-aligning myself last week, things wasn’t going to fly anymore and the U orchestrated a wonderful happenstance to really bring it home. Lucky I learned my lesson fast!!
    I’m now aligned with myself and love, and attracting who I am being. This is showing up everywhere in my life. I’m a goshdarned powerful manifestor and create what I want within days! I am honest, loving, compassionate, kind, magical, empowering, inspiring, loyal, exude energy and confidence and good vibes and attract the same in people and relationships and events in my life.
    SO blessed! MWah
    Giggity 😀

  • Hi all!
    I haven’t had time to read all the comments yet, but I’ve been in this situation before myself and here’s what I did… and it worked!
    1) First, you gotta feel all your feelings: b****, complain, moan, and gripe about it to your best friend, spouse, whatever! Get it all out first before you work on fixing your vibe. Don’t worry about the LOA bringing more of that negative stuff back to you… as long as you are just getting out the gunk, it’s cool to vent and feel the negative feelings for a bit.
    2) Get really introspective and figure out how you attracted this situation into your life and why it is bothering you so much. As Iyabo so correctly pointed out above, you did attract this person and situation into your life for a reason… and that reason is that it is mirroring something you have not yet accepted or owned in yourself. Oh so painful, but true! Figure out what this situation is trying to teach you about yourself and make peace with it, preferably once and for all so you never have to repeat this again!! I’ve noticed that I tend to attract lazy co-workers who remind me of my mom, so I’ve had to clear up that vibe and make peace with it.
    3) Now you can start flowing the love to change up your vibe! Personally, I imagine flowing pink or golden light to the other person because it really helps me get into the feeling of flowing love to them. Just do this in your head and visualize flowing them love, in whatever way resonates with you. You can also do a Book of Positive Aspects (from Abraham-Hicks), where you list out all the positive aspects of the person or situation to take your attention off the negative and put it on the positive. There’s always positives if you look hard enough… 😉
    Good luck with this! I’ve had to deal with this more times than I care to admit… but I’ve become a pro at turning a lazy co-worker that I can’t stand into my best friend, and it’s pretty cool when that happens!

  • Sweetie, I have one thing to say to you:
    Please don’t EVER apologize for “taking up too much space”!! (ESPECIALLY here!!!)
    You are a PLEASURE to hear from – the more, the better!! REMEMBER IT!!
    Thanks for the message and the link on ho’oponopono. I can finally type it – but I still can’t pronounce it. And I aspire to be as good as you at utilizing it.
    Thanks, Pernille!

  • I just read through all the wise comments again and saw that you mentioned ho’oponopono – I didn’t think about it in this connection, but it actually fits in nicely, doesn’t it? I’ve been using it myself for the last couple of weeks and I think it’s quite interesting. It implies that as I’m the creator of my reality, I’m responsible for everything in my world, EVERYTHING!
    I may not have created the pain in my hubby’s bag and the hostility of my 22-year old on purpose, but I’m still responsible. And therefore I’m the one to say I’m sorry (to the Universe), please forgive me (to myself), thank you and I love you. (It doesn’t imply that I’m to “blame”, just that I’m responsible).
    As mentioned I’m quite new to using this method, but I’ve already felt on several occasions that this method takes off the charge of the situation as soon as I accept my responsibility. And then the way to peace is very short, cause there is really no-one to blame!
    Here’s a link on ho’oponopono if anyone should want to know more:
    sorry for taking up so much space to-day!

  • I love what you’ve shared here, Sonia! That sums it up nicely.
    Thanks for your contribution!

  • sonia says:

    I forgot one thing, you can make others change because when you stop judging them, when you see only the best in them, they can’t help it, they behave as you expect them to do. But, sometimes, you just can’t seem to find one single quality to focus on, you’re so hurt, so angry, that positive things are out of reach. It’s ok. Don’t try to make yoursel feel loving, just look somewhere else, love something else or someone else, appreciate other things and just for a moment, forget about them. Your vibration will shift and either the person will change or they’ll just walk out of your experience. It’s ok to feel bad. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to have negative emotions. Accept them, feel them and then let them out. When I’m in great despair, I just leave it to the universe. I say “this thing is too big for me. I just can’t handle it. Will you please take care of it?” and then I cry and complain and do my human stuff and every single time, the universe takes care of it.
    Sorry… forgot to say great post – can’t wait to read your next one!

  • sonia says:

    I forgot one thing, you can make others change because when you stop judging them, when you see only the best in them, they can’t help it, they behave as you expect them to do. But, sometimes, you just can’t seem to find one single quality to focus on, you’re so hurt, so angry, that positive things are out of reach. It’s ok. Don’t try to make yoursel feel loving, just look somewhere else, love something else or someone else, appreciate other things and just for a moment, forget about them. Your vibration will shift and either the person will change or they’ll just walk out of your experience. It’s ok to feel bad. It’s ok to be angry. It’s ok to have negative emotions. Accept them, feel them and then let them out. When I’m in great despair, I just leave it to the universe. I say “this thing is too big for me. I just can’t handle it. Will you please take care of it?” and then I cry and complain and do my human stuff and every single time, the universe takes care of it.

  • I spent a lot of time there myself, MissyB! I know that gig well.
    Good for you for feeling the true hard core feelings – that’s vastly more important than most realize.
    And no one can tell you what you SHOULD be doing different or how long before you start shifting them. Just consistently go with what feels better and you’ll do fab.

  • MissyB says:

    There’s much interesting stuff here as well as the link back to the neighbour post.
    I’m not going to offer a suggestion(s)…why ? Because right now I’ve a neighbour from hell and I’m so angry that I don’t want to find anything nice about her or the situation. That’s a huge hurdle to cross so I am reading with interest.
    Boy am I grateful for another timely post …

  • sonia says:

    TIA, what a great post! I love it. I’ve had issues with my husband and walking away wasn’t un option. And living with him brings up those issues over and over again so I felt kind of stuck in that situation. Then I discussed with Jeannette, read some stuff, listened to some other stuff and what I did was: accept totally where I was. I accepted the fact, that somehow, I created this and I let myself feel bad. I cried, I played victim, I did the “why me” thing, the “poor me” thing, knowing all the time that “I” did it to me but playing victim felt better. I did it for a couple for days. I let everything out, privately. And at a certain point, I was calmer, I thought “I did this so I can do different, what is it that I want?” I started “pray raining”. It’s been 4 weeks now and things really start to change. First, the changes occured inside of me. somehow, I could look at him with compassion, I could see that he never wanted to hurt me, that he was just trying to feel good himself cos he felt so bad. It was as if I stepped out and saw the whole thing from distance, as if I wasn’t emotionally involved with it anymore. The relief was just incredible. I loved him right the way he was and God, I felt free for the first time in my life, free of judgment. And…this is the best part, things changed on the outside as well. It’s almost like I’m scripting my life. Certain things I write in my pray rain journal just materialize. I put words in his mouth and he says exactely the same things, he acts as I’m describing him. Of course, sometimes I just go back to the old pattern of thoughts but it doesn’t last long, it’s as if my natural state now, is feeling good.
    Jeannette I can’t thank you enough, for taking the time to comfort me and above all for the miracle of pray rain.

  • Sara Exley says:

    Here is a great communication tool I learned from working at a life-skills summer camp. It’s called OTFD which stands for “Open the Front Door.”
    O is for Observation
    T is for Thoughts
    F is for Feelings
    D is for Desire
    Let your co-worker in on what you’re noticing. Communicate thoughts and hunches about why the co-worker might be slacking off. Communicate some kind of feeling word (frustrated, confused, etc) and simply state what you would like to see happen.
    You can use this for anything, whether you’re communicating a request, an acknowledgement, a compliment, etc. It’s a good formula for being clear and to the point – which is important if you’re in a managerial position.
    Sara E.

  • Toni says:

    I used to think like Sara just described – that negative feelings were really bad for you and that they should be avoided at all costs. Now, however, I recommend thoroughly exhausting your negative vibes – get it all out, shout if you feel like it, swear, write a letter directly from your angry state of mind, but don’t spend time revising it, hanging on to it for days, reliving every little insult or frustration – just empty your mind completely and immediately when you feel the negative feelings welling up. Don’t try to ignore it, and don’t just deal with part of your frustrations: Look it in the eye and pull it all out into the daylight.
    However, this is a very personal process and whether you decide to write or speak, it’s vital that you do this in private. What you are feeling about anybody or anything is your business only, so keep it there – if you’re dealing with something most critical and traumatic, you may of course want the support of a friend or a coach, but don’t just use any old person who just happens to be there; don’t wait forever to deal with it either; and, most importantly, don’t go on and on about it – you don’t want to make it this important for you that you incorporate it into your life story – if you do, you haven’t let go at all, and you’ll only empower the negative.
    Next step is how to let go of the negativity. If you wrote a letter, that’s fairly easy: burn it, flush it down the toilet, leave it in your surrender box, tear it up and throw it in the trash – regardless of the method, you’re surrendering it to the Universe. And it’s most cleansing getting rid of the evidence, too – you’re literally cleaning the slate 🙂
    If you used your voice or your body (shouting/speaking and/or punching a pillow, etc.), you may want to refresh and cleanse your entire organism. Take a bath, go for a walk, meditate, pet your cat, have a massage – the important part is you make sure you get all the tension out of your system and that you do something completely different. If you find yourself still thinking about the problem, you haven’t gotten it all out in the first place. Normally, when you’ve given it your very best in the first place, you’ll feel calm and a little tired.
    There’s already been a lot of wonderful comments about how to deal with the guy directly, and this is the next step if you’re dealing with a problem that is influencing your life and action must be taken: talk to him calmly and professionally, pray rain, appreciate his perfect manifestation of an easy job (that’s a really wonderful idea :-)), etc. – I’m learning so much from you guys here, thank you! 🙂
    With workplace frustrations, I prefer going straight to the person I’m having problems with – and as quickly as possible before I get too worked up about the issue and before it escalates – instead of discussing it with co-workers. I’m thinking, although we’re working with energy here, we shouldn’t be afraid of action either – as long as it’s inspired action, of course. Again, it’s important that you check if his behaviour really does influence your life and well-being. Otherwise, it’s none of your business, and whatever feelings you’re having about it all are part of your old negative belief patterns which you need to deal with yourself.
    Whenever possible my next step is to find something to appreciate about that person and get on with my life. And if I can’t, I remove myself from the situation – in one extreme case when nothing was done about a lazy co-worker, four of my colleagues and I myself resigned and created new wonderful careers elsewhere.
    If something’s really bothering, don’t just live with it and with the frustration, visualize the best outcome you can and then take some action. You’ll always feel when the time is right – and it’s rarely ever when you feel the most pain or frustration about it, but rather when you’ve let go and feel energized with the thought of something else.

  • No kidding, Dena!
    I like where you went with that!

  • Dena says:

    What a fun topic and oh so many ways of looking at the situation. Just thought I’d throw in one of my tricks when I observe someone doing something that I think I would never choose….which would be going into a state of wonder and amazement at how good they are at manifesting whatever it is that they have going on. As in, boy look how great this guy is at manifesting a job in which he completely shirks his responsibilities and gets paid well for it AND doesn’t seem to care one whit. Wow, he’s good.
    Getting to that place of amazement and wonder tends to lighten my mood and sometimes will even teach me a lesson or two.
    With Love,
    Dena Z

  • Sara Exley says:

    Oh boy, lots to say here. Not so much because I’ve experienced lazy co-workers, but more because I’ve come to understand my own frustrated feelings more “allowing” kind of way.
    When I first started my spiritual exploration, I had patterns of thought that looked, sounded, and felt a little something like this:
    “It’s bad and wrong for me to dislike someone or someone’s behavior. Negativity and negative feelings are unspiritual. Negative feelings are a sign of imperfection. It’s unloving for me to notice something someone is doing and disapprove of it.” LOL!
    I laugh to myself, because what I’ve come to realize is that none of the above are true. There is nothing unloving or unspiritual about observing something or someone and not liking it. Negative feelings are perfect and wise just as joy, appreciation, and gratitude are. ALL FEELINGS whether they feel good or not, come from the same place, which is Divine Guidance.
    Just coming to a different understanding about what negative emotion is, has done worlds for my vibe-shifting skills.
    Negative emotion is simply divine guidance telling you:
    1) you are on your way to something you don’t want.
    2) there’s a new desire that you have yet to give your attention to.
    So check this out, your negative emotion is always giving you two very clear options about where to go next. You either stay on course towards more of what you don’t want, or you follow the path of the new desire.
    Shifting your vibe is not about trying to feel better about something that doesn’t feel good. It’s simply about putting your attention on what does feel good. (I point this out, because I used to have this very bas-ackwards.)
    Another easy, vibe-lifting approach is amping up the clarity.
    What have your feelings caused you to be clear about? That’s an easy, open ended question that could unlock a world of inspired answers. Give it a go and see what sprouts.
    Sara E.

  • Yeah, I don’t think it’s so much that we’re “changing” them – but rather just eliciting something else that was already within them.
    My experience with crazy Kymm was a huge reminder to me that we’re all capable of more than we might have given ourselves credit for (good and not so good).
    Thanks for sharing your process, Tia. It’s insightful and helpful!

  • “””But sometimes someone else’s business affects us in ways we aren’t successful at ignoring, right? When it doesn’t feel good (or seem possible) to walk away or ignore it, what do YOU do to best manage the situation?”””
    I’m not reading any of the responses cos I don’t want to be influenced by what I read as I answer.
    There was a sitch in my life Monday where I was “privy” to a conversation that was between 2 other people. Something that really was between them and none of my business. Yet, it affected me in a way that was impossible to ignore / walk away from. I wish I could explain but I’ll have to stay with my part of it.
    My reaction was anger, betrayal, hurt, revulsion, disgust, rage, sorrow, sadness – you name it. My gut felt like it had been wrenched out of me and hung to dry. I cldn’t do much about it then but when I was alone I let myself feel the pain and anger, cried for 2 straight hours, journaled, wrote an angry letter, cried some more…
    I didn’t want the pain but I also recognised that it had triggered something and worked my way to the core fear of abandonment. Having clarity on that (by writing what I felt, how it made me feel and then doing Katie’s 4 Q work on it at 2am!) I fell asleep asking the U for guidance and support.
    Tues I woke up looking for signs and got some. Realised that it didn’t matter WHAT had been said or done, and this pain was mine to take care of. So I took off to the beach and let myself feel everything I needed to (again!) as I cried and healed my hurt, frightened inner child singing her a little made up song to the tune of “hush little baby .. ” about how i’d never leave her etc. Went from angry to sad to teary to loved to peaceful in about 10 and made it about ME.
    It took me about an hour to get there and I decided to be loving and compassionate with myself AND with the other party. Intended to be graceful and kind and talk about the sitch AFTER dealing with my anger.
    It was a real revelation to do things this way (the past was all abt accusations, hurt egos, guilt trips, etc in the midst of unresolved feelings). I recognised the part of me that wanted to hurt the other person for hurting me and took them OUT of the equation.
    Coming from a place of love and compassion rather than fear and mistrust ….can I just tell you about the PEACE that settles around you when you do that? It did for me! I focused on what I needed to do to make sure I would be ok. Hint: I felt, I accepted, I healed and I TRUSTED that no matter what, I will get thru this.
    I don’t know the outcome and what will happen but I am CRYSTAL on what I want, what I deserve and what I will accept. That’s a beautiful, empowering feeling! And the best way I could have managed this vibe and turned it around. Awareness, clarity and self management.
    What works in the real world? What I just did. FEEL everything you are feeling!! Vent, scream, cry, wish them the worst, do whatever it takes to really ALLOW yourself the horriblest, nastiest thoughts. Note I’m not saying Say this to them or act it out – make sure you do it alone or with a really trusted friend.
    You are HUMAN. Feel it or watch as it comes back again in some other way. What you resist, persists.
    And once you’ve spent that energy and acknowledged your feelings, THEN you ask yourself “what is this about, what do I need, what do I want to feel” etc.
    I don’t believe I can make others change and do what I expect / toe the line but I CAN look after my needs and walk if they’re being trampled on.

  • Pure Potential says:

    So the questions for me are why does the co-worker’s ‘attributes’ of lazy and inept bother me?
    Do I perform the co-worker’s responsibilities when s/he doesn’t? Thereby rescuing them.
    Do I resent qualities that I fear in myself?
    Why is my co-worker’s behavior my business?
    As Bridgette and Jeannette point out, my resentment, lack attack or ego has me in the co-worker’s business.
    In a similar situation, I did the work and chose to stay out of the co-worker’s business until it directly influenced my workload. Then I went to management and was clear that I would not take on the co-worker’s responsibilities and if asked to do so while the co-worker was still employed, I would either refuse or ask for recompense.

  • MSNikki says:

    Hmmm…What about taking the focus off of the guy and putting it on you instead? Meaning direct all of your energies into doing extra-oh-so fabulous work that you are buoyed about the results of your own positivity instead of getting bogged down by the coworker’s lack of ambition? He has his own thing going and so do you!

  • … well, it’s not the whole truth! – people do change or disappear, but I change too (never thought about this before, but right now the way I change seems to be the most important part of it!)- and anyway, our mutual relationship or connection changes – or ends!
    I hope this makes sense!

  • Melissa says:

    Oh Jeannette, I loovve this post. I feel like you pitched it perfectly to me.
    I can still remember the lazy and inept coworker who used to send e-mails with his half-thought through ideas and then do nothing. Oh yeah! Boy did he make me mad.
    So be forewarned, I’m coming at this straight on.
    Does he directly report to you? Do you have any influence on his performance review or role on future projects? Are you running the team? If yes, then it’s time to release your frustration and then have a straightforward sitdown where you lay out expectations. Because if you are managing him, then that’s your responsibility – to him, and the team. Yes, this takes more of your time and attention.
    Not reporting to you, but just annoying the heck out of you because he’s not pulling his weight? If you’re working with Jeannette and LOA, you probably know this already. You can’t make someone accountable or change him. Nope. I’m curious as to why you believe it’s your responsibility to make someone earn their pay – are you paying him? You can assign work to other people, ask a higher-up for more people, or communicate that timelines won’t be met without someone who can commit more time and skills to the job. Another option is to tell this guy (in a calm, confident manner) that because he does (list one or two key behaviors here e.g. doesn’t meet deadlines, is late, etc) that the perception of him on the team is that he’s lazy. You wanted him to know so he’d have the chance to alter that perception before he gets a bad rep. —Mind you, he might not care one bit.
    Overall, it sounds to me like your own resentment is holding you back. What you’re experiencing is very common in the workplace, unfortunately. What can you do to feel how you want to feel at work, with the people you enjoy? How can you spend less time with him? How can you release it regularly?
    With love and empathy,

  • Oh boy, hot stuff on the blog to-day – how interesting!
    Well, first of all thanks for reminding me how important it is to start by feeling you feelings – I sometimes tend to take a little easy on that part.
    What works best for me when I’m feeling upset and challenged by someone is – after feeling my feelings, of course! – simply to start telling another story (to myself) the way I would rather want it to be. In the above example it could for instance be something like “isn’t it wonderfull how our co-worker is both dilligent and pleasant to be around. I’m so glad I can always rely on him to do his work on time – Man, do I always get the best co-workers!!!”
    This way of telling myself another story makes me feel so much better AND magic often seems to happen – people either change or dissappears from my life!!

  • Wow, way to take a stand, Pure Potential! Very clean process you created.
    Thanks for pitching in!

  • Very practical and “real world” words people can relate to, Melissa.
    Thanks for sharing them here!

  • Inner Genius Coach says:

    You know what, Jeanette. I am catching it from every side. I am on my mastermind call talking about some disappointments and I am being royally called out to feel my feelings and stand up and “be authentic” about negative feelings.
    The nerve of those fabulous ladies and you have the nerve to call me out on it too and you know how much I love you and the fabulous ladies.
    So there!
    OK, you are right. Feel your feelings first about the bad coworker. You are right to feel those feelings. Scream, yell, curse, swear, have an official temper tantrum.
    It is important to do it. Not to the person but you have to discharge those feelings.
    Then maybe possibly you could do the other stuff and if all else fails, pull the person aside and tell them how you feel.

  • I think you nailed it with the feel the feelings but don’t fondle the story, Bridgette.
    I’m also a huge fan of Katie’s work – for purposes of cleaning the slate and giving ourselves a fresh platform to create from.
    After cleaning that slate, though, I’m definitely taking it to the next step where I don’t “see him” or “know him” as anything other than what I want. If for some reason it matters to me that my coworker is productive and on top of things, you better believe he is going to be that for me.
    It’s not exactly my style to care about that, but if I did … I’m going there.
    I’m just checking in to see if that’s truly how I operate – and indeed, there are some things I care about when it comes to other people (boyfriend in particular, neighbors too, waiters, etc.).
    I’m not just making peace with rude or slow waiters; I’m creating wait staff that makes my experience at the restaurant a delight.
    I’m not content with the “reality” that my neighbor is a strung out threat to the neighborhood; I’m creating a neighbor who contributes to an atmosphere of peace, love, appreciation and quiet. Because I create it all. Right?
    Bridgette, do you ho’oponopono? It teaches a level of responsibility that most wouldn’t agree with. But for some reason, I was thinking you practice it. Am I wrong?

  • Well, a whole lotta practice helps in that regard, Dana! ha
    There are some vibes I can tell I’m still in and not by choice … Looking forward to extricating myself from those as well.
    Do check back with your thoughts and insights on this topic, please, Dana!

  • Whoo!
    Hot stuff on the GoodVibeBlog today–love it!
    For me, it’s about feeling the feelings, but not fondling the story. I’m a firm Byron Katie fan on this one, I find that minding my own biz works best for me. What that means for me is not ignoring what’s going on, but looking at my thoughts about why this person is bugging me so much and doing inquiry, self-coaching, pillow-punching or whatever works on those.
    Another concept that really works for me here is that when I want someone to be different, I am fighting reality. The reality is he’s inept. You can want him to be different all you want, but that’s not going to change this dude’s behavior. So… I try not to spend energy fighting reality b/c I found that to be incredibly futile. I get a lot of release from this. It goes something like, “Oh! This guy is a total a-hole! Has nothing to do with me, but yet there he goes with his a-hole stuff.” When I recognize that and don’t fight it, I also can detach from the situation and act from a more calmer, centered place. What actions I take could really vary. It could be I wish him well, I could ignore him, I may share my observations calmly and professionally with the boss, I might choose to be entertained, I might have a frank yet calm conversation about how he could improve his contribution at work… but I will act from the place of seeing what is, not wanting him to be different.
    He might not change a bit and my actions may not change a bit, but I’ll feel calm and centered and that makes a huge difference.
    My two cents…

  • Dana - Your Inspired Coach says:

    Iyabo – I must say that I have witnessed you fully own your feelings. I know you do it as your first step as well.
    We love you too!
    Jeannette, we all thought (the other day together) that you would be the perfect person to answer this question because you seem to have this magic ability to not be sucked into others’ vibes.
    This is a big one for me. I will think about it and respond back…I look forward to the posts from others in the community to inspire me so I can learn and grow with your callers.

  • Well, I think we’re saying the same thing, actually – I just took the slow “gear up” approach.
    First, we air out the frustration or anger or blame or whatever. Then we make some peace (get into neutral) and then find some love & appreciation. Then finish it off with a nice little fantasy.
    You just got there faster than I did.

  • Inner Genius Coach says:

    O boy Jeannette. Good one.
    I must say that I have been playing with a very different approach.
    The love approach.
    How about upping your vibration by looking at that coworker through the lens of love. What is nice about the guy? What is good about him? What is even better about him?
    Ok, about being a team player, what is the vibe and image you have about the team, about the whole office. What are your intentions for your team or office?
    This is how you create change within you. Change your perspective.
    His higher calling may be to keep the team in a place of humor and laughter and that is why he goofs up all the time. His “job” may be to be a slacker so that every one else on the team values not being a slacker.
    Do you see what I mean?
    So that is where we let go of attachment and let him “be” in your life. He is there to teach you and support you and support you. Can you see him as that?
    How can you love him right where he is with what he is doing?
    You see, what you see in him is a mirror in you.
    Do you sometimes secretely feel lazy and do you worry about your own contribution to the team? Are you accountable yourself?
    Your co worker is showing up as a mirror image in some way. Your lack of accountability may be at home and not at work but it is bugging you because, I really loathe to tell you this, it is reflecting something going on in your life.
    Just your awareness of this will lessen the charge on it.

  • Please remember I’m the one who just hung up with a couple of folks right in the midst of their problem! lol
    I may not have the highest vibing perspective right now.
    But what I said we do first, before we can shift ANYTHING, is feel these feelings out. I know it’s not pretty, I know it’s not noble, but we can’t pretend they’re not there.
    If we try ANYTHING before we feel what we’re feeling, we’re hung up.
    And I’m open to being wrong on that.

  • Here’s what I know: it’s really easy to not get caught up in someone else’s stuff.
    So it’s easy for US to suggest loving this co-worker, because he’s not aggravating US every day, or costing US additional work, or whatever.
    But if you had told me to love my neighbor, or crazy Kymm, while I was in the red hot moment of feeling really bad about it, it would have fallen on deaf ears.
    Know what I mean?
    If you asked me to look in the mirror while I was ranting about my (other) neighbor accusing my best friend of stealing his dog (when in fact my friend was responding to the neighbor’s request for help in getting rid of her – the guy just didn’t want to pay the adoption fee to get her back after his daughters freaked out that he got rid of their dog) … anyway, if you asked me to look in the mirror in that red hot moment, well, now I’d just be mad at you too. lol
    Let’s talk what works in the REAL WORLD at the time we’re in the grip of the ugly energy.
    Or maybe it’s just me that can’t get there on a dime?
    If anyone can do it, Iyabo, I suspect it’s you. You are impressive that way!

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