Guest Post: Wanting a Relationship or Avoiding Single?
Our very own Self Help Goddess shares her recent breakthrough about manifesting love and romance in her life:
With February 14th approaching, I was thinking about love and romance. As I contemplated the idea of relationships (I’m not currently in one), this thought occurred to me:
Am I am looking for a relationship right now to reap the benefits of being in a partnership, or to avoid being single?
The question hit me like a ton of bricks! The distinction is subtle, but important.
When most people think about relationships, they think of spending time with their partner, having someone to share their life with, being able to share their innermost fears and desires with a trusted companion, etc. And sure, I would love to have all those things!
For me, though, I think that up until now in my life the real motivation to be in a relationship has had less to do with sharing my love for someone and more to do with resisting being alone.
And we all know that “whatever you resist, persists.”
I spend so much time focused on “not being alone” that I actually end up creating the experience I don’t want: that of being alone! The men I attract into my life are either unappealing to me or unwilling/incapable of commitment, so I just end up feeling alone (the very thing I was trying to avoid in the first place).
I’ve been beating my head against a wall trying to figure out why this has been my experience, but now I can see it’s the result of where I’ve been putting my focus: I’ve been focusing on not being alone versus focusing on the experience I want: a loving, fulfilling relationship!
This got me thinking about how many of us spend time moving away from something we don’t want versus moving towards something we do want. It can apply to money, weight loss, career success, romance, anything!
In fact, I think it’s just in our DNA to recognize situations we don’t want to be in and avoid them at all costs. For example, our ancestors had to constantly be on the lookout for wild animals and know how to escape if they were confronted with one in the wild!
But while it may seem like focusing on things you don’t want to create is beneficial because we think it will help us steer clear of them, the law of attraction dictates that we get more of whatever we’re focused on.
Therefore, even if your attention is on avoiding or resisting a particular circumstance, you’ll just end up getting even more of it because you’re still focused on it!
Many people are constantly focused on money and wonder why it’s not appearing more abundantly in their lives. In essence, they’re trying to avoid the experience of not having enough money. If you’re focused on the lack of money, however, or on how you don’t have as much as you’d like, then it’s that experience of not having as much as you’d like that gets created over and over again.
In my situation, the constant preoccupation with resisting being alone is just leading to more of the same, being or feeling alone.
So, what to do if this phenomenon resonates with you?
- Know that whatever you spend the majority of your time focusing on is what gets produced in your life. Even if you are focused on moving away from something, you are still focused on it! If you notice your attention is on something you don’t want, shift your thoughts to what you do want. You might have to say out loud to yourself, “That’s not what I want! What I do want is….” You can literally take control of your thoughts and steer them in a new direction, just as if you were captain of a ship.
- Try feeling love and compassion for that part of yourself you’re trying to avoid. In my case, it’s the experience of being alone or single. Can I just accept that part of myself, and love it exactly as it is? Can I befriend it and even embrace it? In the money example, try flowing unconditional love and acceptance to the part of yourself that feels poor or without money. This helps release the resistance you feel towards a particular situation or circumstance in your life.
By resisting something you are actually keeping your attention on it, which keeps the situation squarely in place. Whatever you are focused on is what you attract, whether positive or negative.
As you release resistance towards a situation you’ve been avoiding, don’t be surprised if suddenly whatever you were wishing for rushes into your life. Since you’ve made peace with the situation and aren’t spending all your time giving it attention, you’ll begin focusing on actually having the thing you desire in your life.
Once that happens, it’s only a matter of time before you manifest your dreams and desires right before your eyes!
Mary is known online as the Self Help Goddess because she loves finding, reading, and reviewing the best self help books and products on the market to help others create their ideal lives. Visit her at www.selfhelpgoddess.com or on Twitter as @SelfHelpGoddess.