Secret Payoffs Holding Things Up?
In one of the forums I lead we discussed how unconscious payoffs serve as ties to limiting thoughts and behaviors that we profess to want to drop.
After writing about it, I looked at the clock and wondered if I should go look for my missing cell phone before my next client call. After all, my boyfriend has looked for it, my ex-boyfriend (whose phone it actually is) has also looked for it, and I’m leaving town this weekend to speak at a coaches convention in Chicago, so it might be nice to have.
But it’s been missing for over a week and still hasn’t turned up!
I have to admit, though, I’ve taken more than a little pleasure in being a person without a cell phone.
I like the simplicity of it, the traveling light feeling, and the freedom from thinking I should be charging it or checking messages. (I rarely do either, but occasionally think I “should.”)
So as I thought about officially manifesting it back into service, I recognized I was getting a nice payoff from creating it as “missing.” A payoff that may be strong enough to thwart my apparent efforts to locate it.
I share this because my clients (and some of you, I gather) do this same thing with money all the time – although not always as consciously.
They say they want a big savings cushion, but it never happens. They claim to want a higher paying job, but the promotion eludes them. Or my favorite: they’ll declare war against their credit card debt, but never actually stop using it.
If someone didn’t know better, they’d think it was either crazy behavior or really lousy manifesting.
But what’s sometimes happening behind the scenes is that we’re getting a hidden benefit (or payoff) from the condition we say we want to change – that until we recognize and clean up, our efforts to change remain handicapped.
What sort of payoffs would a person get from remaining in financial struggle? Good question. Here are some I’ve seen personally:
A college friend was continually sabotaging her career advancement. After hearing about another missed promotion, I asked what this allowed her to continue doing or keep her from having to do. (She was savvy enough to take responsibility that she’d created her career standstill, not perceiving herself as a victim in the situation.) In considering the question she realized that by not making more money, she was ensuring her husband wouldn’t (or couldn’t) quit his job.
She recognized a (seemingly ludicrous) fear that if she made significantly more money, he would want to quit his job and stay home with the kids while she became the primary income earner, which was a responsibility she wasn’t interested in.
How insightful (and liberating) to see how we sometimes let an unconscious payoff hold up a manifestation!
Or take the case of another friend who is continually scraping by financially, always by the seat of his pants. When I asked him what this behavior allows him to continue doing or keep him from having to do, he told me to go to hell. Not in exactly those words, but he didn’t appreciate the insinuation that he was responsible for his lack of financial abundance.
In his situation, I have to admit I don’t think he has a payoff as much as he has a setpoint. (Setpoint being a financial level that we’re used to, that we somehow always find a way to maintain – even though it looks like external circumstances are responsible for it.)
But a different friend who has created a very similar situation of barely getting by each month, I suspect her payoff from financial struggle is that it allows her to continue living with her aunt & uncle rent-free. It’s not the free rent she appreciates so much, I suspect, but rather the connection with family that she thrives on.
If she were interested in changing her financial situation, I’d suggest she stop connecting money struggles with family connections. As she lets herself enjoy family connections in other ways, she no longer has to hold money at bay to continue this particular connection. Or hey, maybe she could just come clean and say, “I really like living here and I hope no matter what my income level is I can always stay with you.” Maybe, huh?!
That’s me doing armchair analysis, which is pointless other than to offer examples of how we sometimes say we want something but get a payoff from lack of it that keeps our professed desire from manifesting.
My time might be better served to leave my friends alone and work on shifting my own beliefs about what it means to have a cell phone – so I can let that puppy come out from hiding and still enjoy freedom and lightness.
I’d love to hear your answers to the question “What does this allow me to continue doing or keep me from having to do?” in regards to slow manifestations!