Q&A: Stop Negative Relationship Habit?

how to stop expecting negative behaviorWanted to run this relationship question by you all …

… a savvy creator is feeling stuck with how to put LOA to work in her love life.

(Which isn’t feeling particularly lovely to her lately.)

Here’s her request:

I need help. I need clear, simple instructions, kind of an LOA for dummies thing.

I know what’s creating my unwanted situation: observing what is (yuck!), expecting a certain behavior, reacting with more and more anger each time and obsessing about leaving the relationship.

What I DON’T know though is how to do it different. How can I not notice what is, and how can I not be angry when I feel I’m not respected?

How can I notย expectย the behavior that’s been there for a while?

I’m looking forward to your words of wisdom as well, readers, since I’ve been in this routine myself before.

(And it may be that there’s a bigger question to be addressed here.)

Thanks in advance for your input, friends!

  • July 28, 2013
  • Shannon, you rock!! Thanks for sharing that here! As you can see with Noelle’s response, it means so much to others to hear real life experiences like this.

  • Noelle says:

    Oh Shannon THANK YOU for sharing that! Omg,i have tears in my eyes! Wow, I feel like I just shifted to a new perception with you just by reading your experience!
    I needed to hear that today!
    With MUCH Appreciation,

  • shannon says:

    I’m so glad I got turned onto this post because it is EXACTLY what I have been dealing with my entire life of dating/being married. I’ve made some improvements over time, but this past couple of weeks I have really used LOA to blast into a new reality with my husband.
    I was in the EXACT space that your friend wrote about. So I did a Vibration Wheel or whatever Abraham-Hicks calls it. I drew a cricle and put what I wanted in it: A loving and respectful marriage. Then I wrote all kids of new thoughts on the 12 spokes of the wheel coming off of the circle. My hubby had just been super rude to me, so I was in a state. So I really listened to my inner being and I decided to take some time to myself and I went to the park and just kept repeating: I want a loving and respectful marriage.
    Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks: I WANT TO LOVE AND RESPECT MYSELF. I offer MYSELF love and respect. I offer MYSELF all that I want!!! Within seconds, a butterfly was pelting me in the face and it was literally like all of nature turned to me to say YES YES YES!
    Since then, I continue to do the non-work work of LOA around my husband and it is always about me letting go of him, leaving him alone, allowing him to be whatever he is, but offering MYSELF all the respect, love, nurturing, connection, passion, etc., This marriage is really only ever about my relationship to me! If it ends, ok. If it doesn’t end, ok. Doesn’t matter because I AM THE ONE I AM IN LOVE WITH and UNIVERSE has my back all the time. I cannot be hurt, destroyed, forsaken, NOTHING.
    Since this miracle (change in perspective), I can SEE how my husband loves and respects me. I have done Byron Katie’s work on “My husband doesn’t love me” many times, but finally this week when my hsuband was hugging me it was like I could see on a totally different dimension how much he REALLY LOVES ME. It was intense and I’ve NEVER felt so good about me or him ever.
    Thanks for letting me share and for going through this, too. And for your courage to share it.

  • Maggie Reyes says:

    Hi Powerful Manifestors!
    I just wanted to let you all know that I was so inspired by this conversation that I my topic today on DayBreak USA (radio) is going to be: the power of positive thinking and how it can transform your relationship – including visualizing and list making and how what you focus on expands…
    Thank you all for the great inspiration!!

  • Stacy says:

    I’m currently am and have been in what I would call a relationship which has required a lot of growth (Trying not to use the word “challenging”). But what I did was focus on changing what I felt I could about my behavior first. How was I reacting to him in ways that were preemptively defensive that I wasn’t with friends who didn’t push my buttons? Even nonverbally. I would also simply and calmly leave the situation if I felt dishonored and just continue to work on myself. I knew that no matter what, I would still be growing myself and who I would become in any future relationship.
    Most recently we were about to go on vacation and had been having some difficulties and I wasn’t feeling sure if I should go or not.
    First of all, I asked the Universe to please put up a “harmonious roadblock” (meaning no drastic illness, etc.) if the energy of the trip was pointing toward a disastrous vacation. I said, “I don’t want to go if I’m not going to have fun. So please stop me from going…in a nice way”. And then I began working with EFT and asking to begin seeing/experiencing him through the eyes of source. And leading up to the vacation date, every time I would get frustrated or angry, I would start tapping and ask to experience him through the eyes of source (Universe, etc.). And additionally, while tapping, I’d ask to easily experience the parts of him which were the most effortless to love.
    The trip was as close to perfect as I can describe!
    And I cannot tell you how shocking that is even to me. He was an absolute angel in ways that I would have thought too much to ask for. It was as if a miracle had happened.
    Now that we’re back, sure there are slips. As you know we do revert to our patterns and we just have to reset. But I keep doing the above, and really, it keeps getting better. And I’m more patient too!
    Of course never stay in something that is harmful to you. In my case, we keep breaking up and getting back together. And it used to frustrate me that I would let it happen. But I finally came to a place of peace where I believe there must be unfinished business on some level or I would not be drawn back and I need to stop fighting and being angry at myself and allow what needs to be played out or healed to do just that. Because if I don’t, I believe I’ll just carry the pattern with me. And struggling against it creates more struggle. So I just keep working on my own healing and doing my best to be an example and be compassionate but also not a pushover.
    So hope that helps! Good Luck!

  • Jackie says:

    It’s really easy to fall into the trap of noticing things about the person you live with that just get on your nerves. I didn’t how good I’ve gotten at not noticing those things until the other day when my guy did a couple of things that didn’t feel very good to me and it surprised me that I got annoyed. What I mean by that is that I know he does things that I could get annoyed about but I just don’t notice them very often and it surprised me when I did.

  • sonia says:

    Guys, you are great!!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • LM says:

    It was and is my pleasure, Coach! I don’t have a published collection…yet. ๐Ÿ™‚ But I have been tossing around the notion of a collection or two and what format I would like to present them in.

  • JG says:

    What about self-love? What about to stop trying to get it from him and giving some to your self? Maybe that would be a nice -and easier- way to get the appreciation and respect you expect…

  • Noelle says:

    Hi, just had to respond again to elaborate just “lil” bit on my previous response;)
    So, my response comes from being married to a “very difficult” man for 24 yrs so I want you to know I come from LOTS of “in the trenches” experience, lol!
    And, so my experience is that I really LOVE my guy and feel a VERY DEEP soul connection and it FEELS better to me to stay than to go, so for me, right now anyway, leaving isn’t an option! I totally TRUST my feelings, cuz, like Abe says, if it feels good/easier/righter, it IS RIGHT and I do that!
    So, first thing I would do if I was you, is ask that of yourself FIRST! Does it feel better to stay or does it feel better to go? Just pay attention to your FIRST GUT HIT! You WILL KNOW! If it’s to stay, then you can always decide differently later….this is ALL about YOU feeling good(and I don’t mean always bouncing off the walls good, just whatever feeling “good/right” feels like for YOU)!
    Now, with that decision out of the way, I’m guessing you will feel lots better, and have more “space” within to work on feeling better about your mate and relationship, cuz there won’t be a “bigger question” hanging over your head!
    Then, of course do anything that you’ve read here that resonates with you!
    What I wanted to clarify to you about positive aspects is that after you’ve done them for maybe even only a couple days, when you do meet up with your mate, if you truly did your work of thinking about the things you like,instead of focusing on what you don’t like as you have been doing, your vibration WON’T be attracting the same negativity it was before, cuz EVERYBODY is just a MIRROR of ourselves looking back at us!
    Oh,and another great thing to do is positive aspects of yourself too! And you don’t have to be “giddy happy” to do them, but when you do them, I can promise you that you WILL feel better!
    Everything others say and do is because we either at some level feel like that, or expect others to treat us like that! So, that’s why you have to change YOU, not them! Trying to change them is like looking in the mirror while frowning and painting a happy face on the mirror, lol!
    Anyway, that’s it for my 2 cents;)!
    PS: I’ve taken my relationship that was in the “gallows” and almost divorce court(his desire) up to very happy and loving in a MUCH deeper way than it ever was, tho it took a bit to “solidify” the happy so it stuck on a consistent basis! Truly, I feel like I performed MAGIC with my marriage:)))!!!

  • Wow — To each and every one of you who have commented here. So much juicy genius insight bursting from your seamless souls!
    I have nothing to add but my intense appreciation for Jeannette for sparking this discussion — and to each of you for sharing with such abandon here.
    Thank you all —

  • rochellemariah says:

    I just couldn’t help putting in my two cents. There are already so many cents here!
    1. First off, Frank nailed it. You’re totally attempting to go against everything your soul is telling you. Is that what you want? To outwit your soul and convince it you are right?
    Yes, it’s scary, hard, and may not be rational or logical in any way( especially if you share apartment, car, money, kids, etc.)
    2. and this is a big one I just realized with a family relationship i’ve been struggling with. YOU ONLY HAVE THE THINGS IN THIS MOMENT- right now. You can choose to bring 800 pounds of past expectations, baggage, disappointments, lack of respect into the space of this moment OR NOT.
    It will take a while, but give it a week of not bringing those things into the moment, and the relationship will change- things are only happening this way cause you expect them to.
    You have to feel respect for yourself, before your partner can give it to you. So in this case i guess the steps would be…
    1. Decide right now that as soon as you start “feeling” a lack of respect, or anger, that YOU are respecting yourself enough to not let it bother you.
    2. Give it a time frame- like a week- of really dedicated practice in seeing the problem, but not letting it bother you- cause you’re better than this.
    3. Revel in the fact that after this week- you’ll realize that you respecting yourself so much automatically causes the same reaction in your partner:)

  • Natalie says:

    I find that if I locate a relationship in play that it creates so much positive momentum and whush that I don’t often even encounter that much to control my focus around. And even when I do, I’m so motivated to keep playing in the good clean fun that I easily and happily do the work to get free of any lazy focus. So, where are you playing with your lover? Where are the shared playspaces that let you encounter, effortlessly, the best and most uptodate and playful versions of each other?
    I might suggest rocking out a grid or two on what it might feel like to be playing lightly, loosely and organically inside of love.

  • Amanda says:

    When I was in a similar situation I decided that we had to separate (but I didn’t tell him). Each time I felt angry about him I told myself I wasn’t going to have to put up with it forever because we were going to split, even though I didn’t know exactly how that was going to be. So it was easier to let things roll off my back – and “lo and behold” if things didn’t get continually better – and we ended up marrying!
    Just another option for being able to let those reactions subside a bit.

  • Everybody has contributed good ideas so far, and I’d like to add to what Noelle posted, since I come from a line of Abers, and also I study Byron Katie’s The Work, too.
    Noelle made the excellent point of what to do once you are out of the immediate heat of the moment. Sit down and write a positive aspects list and do that every day.
    But what to do when you are in the heat of the moment, unappreciative of all there is to glad for in your life? That’s when I find Byron Katie’s The Work to be most effective. The more torqued out of shape I’m in, the better The Work, or Colin Tippings Radical Forgiveness, will help me to shift out of the foul mood. I love Abraham-Hicks, but I need tools to deal with myself when I’m not on a high-flying disk!
    Thanks Jeanette, for a great blog question!

  • I got goosebumps reading that, L Michelle. Thank you for sharing your work of art with us!!
    (Any chance you have a collection of other published poems?)

  • LM says:

    I woke up this morning to Coach Jeannette’s latest GVB in my email asking for input on this question. And I feel the timing is so divine to share the poem I am about to share. I wrote it literally 2 days ago on July 27 and it was born out of a deep dissatisfaction, anger, and frustration with a professional/personal interaction I was in for the last 2 years and had just a few days prior decided to end. This piece is what flowed from the spirit to me. So now I pass the message along. It may not be THE answer, but it certainly is AN answer. And it solidified for me in my situation, that I’m doing the very best thing for myself. Peace & Blessings.
    Self-Love: Because You’re Worth It
    It’s okay to let go
    It’s okay to walk away
    If it doesn’t serve you
    not working for you
    you truly don’t have to stay.
    Time out for break up and make up
    You deserve better
    You want more
    Time in for shake up and wake up
    That long-suffering routine
    is played like an 8-track
    “I get my thing in action
    (Joy)…that’s what’s happening!”
    Each moment, precious
    The clock, relentlessly ticking
    while you trade hours, days, and weeks of your life
    for whatever experience you’re living
    So spend your time wisely
    In life, in love, at work, at play
    If it no longer serves you
    Just ain’t workin’ for you
    It’s truly all good to walk away
    L. Michelle

  • I have that seen that process work miracles, Noelle. That last statement was from me rather than our questioner (“there may be a bigger question here”) so I may have skewed things unnecessarily!
    Janette, I’m glad to see you here, too, because I thought you might help shed some light on when these responses we have based in anger or resentment might be a sign of an emotional habit that wants to be released. In fact, maybe this is a good time to refer back to your guest post:
    Basically, I’m wondering how does a person know when this is “their” work to do (vibrational work) and how do they know when it’s time to take steps to end a relationship? (Not that those things are exclusive.)

  • Janette says:

    I love the variety of responses here, which may not have that essential ‘LOA for dummies’ quality but do go to the core of saying ‘you get to choose which response you use”. And that’s awesome!
    And here’s my two cents’ worth.
    A relationship with another cannot trigger an emotion within us, unless there is some belief within ourselves being activated.
    If your partner is showing disrespect or lack of care or disdain – you would literally not notice that, unless a small part of you shared that disrespectful opinion. Or you might notice it, but you’d have no interest in staying in the space where that vibe was at play.
    In other words, for every one of us, every relationship we have carries a reflection of our own relationship with ourselves.
    And that’s where I would start.
    Because Frank’s right. Trying to use LOA to extinguish our emotions or our intuition is a bit off the mark. Asking how to use LOA to impact another’s behaviour is asking the wrong question.
    The better question might be ‘how can I improve my own respect for myself?’
    It comes back to self-love. If we truly have that solid core of self-love, we can either look fondly at a loved one’s crazy disrespectful behaviour (water off a duck’s back); or we can choose to walk away (playing in a different sandpit).
    My hubby has moments when he flows less than respect for my intelligence. It used to be SUCH a source of conflict between us, until I chose to fix my OWN lack of respect for how smart I am. Some days he’ll still say or do the same things, and I can chuckle inwardly at him – and at how I used to be. It literally doesn’t affect me in the way it used to.
    So, in the spirit of ‘LOA for dummies’ here are some ideas:
    Use Jeannette’s ‘Art of Self-Love’ work to amp up your self-love
    Try Byron Katie to release any thoughts around not deserving to be treated with respect
    Use the positive aspects exercise to change how you feel about yourself (as well as doing it about your partner)
    And finally, the key with strong emotions is ‘own it, then let it go’. That means when the behaviour you don’t like triggers your anger, walk out of the room. Find some quiet space and listen to any insights that your anger has for you. Imagine he is the sentry guard of your personal fortress, reporting in. He may have information for you about the situation or about your own interior world. Listen to his report, thank him…. and then find something to engage that brings you pleasure and makes you feel good.
    Good luck!

  • Noelle says:

    Ok, so I am REALLY surprised no one else said what I am going to say cuz it is at the CORE of all Abraham/LOA teachings!
    Sit down when you are NOT with your “mate” and write 10 Positive Aspects of him/her EVERYDAY! And if you can’t get to 10 then write 5!!! And ONLY write easy ones, no trying to “make-over” the bad aspects into good, lol!!! If you have to, remember back to when you first met and write what you liked about him/her!
    And do this every day for AT Least a week BEFORE you look for any positive changes! And also, when you write them, DONT be trying to change them, just sit with a lighthearted attitude and in a light way and write!
    For ex…,
    1. He has a nice smile
    2. I like how nice he is to his mom
    3. he really does cook well
    4. I know he works hard and is responsible with the bills
    5. he holds doors open for old ladies
    6. he has a nice voice
    etc like that….
    Try to keep to the big picture and the lighter side! Like I said, don’t go trying to “change” anything about him/her, just think about him and notice simple nice things, and write;)!
    And i have a hunch, especially from your last statement that “there may be a bigger question here”< that you are worrying over whether or not you "should" be with him!
    Well, DONT worry about that now, cuz from your neg. place you seem to be in now, you can't possibly know your best answer to that! You have to get to a higher vibe/better feeling place, to make an "informed" decision! That requires you to raise your vibe and be in a happier place!
    Never make a decision when you're down, always wait til you feel better, so that you are deciding to go "TO" something new/better, and not trying to "get away" from something you don't like!
    Cuz when you "run away" from something you don't like, you take your vibration WITH you, lol, and therefore may attract someone just like the old one/old vibe! After all, YOU'RE the one CREATING him/her AS U SEE HIM/HER!
    Also, after you have done your pos. aspects for a couple weeks, you'll be in such a better place your mate will either rise up to your new higher vibe, or won't be able to, and so will easily and smoothly move out of your presence/environment…..UNLESS you fall off your "positive wagon", so to speak and start focusing on all the neg things about/around him when he's leaving!
    Anyway, in conclusion, to keep it "dummied down":
    Do at least 5 Positive Aspects?!) is better if you can manage, on him/her a day when you are NOT with/around them! Do it for AT LEAST a week or two before you look for any results from it!!!
    Then write us what happened:)))!
    I am positive this will help you!
    Happy Relationship Days:)!

  • Alex, that’s the same approach I used when I was in a similar situation. Universe always works it out when we give it good instructions!
    And Emily, a pray rain journal would be a great way to do that!
    Thanks for adding your helpful thoughts, you two. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • One thing to try is to imagine or journal about how you do want your relationship to go. Stop focusing on what is or trying to accept. Just focus on what you want. I did this recently and it worked beautifully! During the imagination or Pray Rain journalling, I didn’t write the name of my partner. I kept my mind open. It could be him, or it could be someone else. But I KNEW I would get what I wanted. (I did.) ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Alex says:

    Focus on what you want in a relationship without making it about a specific person. Either your current partner will rise up to meet your expectations or you’ll break up.
    This is how I handled things when I was in a less-than-ideal relationship, during which I learned about LoA. It ended in a breakup, after which I found out that there was SO MUCH extracurricular activity happening behind my back. I’m glad that I know, because it reminds me that I made the right decision. (I’ve been tested for STDs since then and everything is fine, so at least my health was unaffected.)
    I had stayed for years because when I first met this person we clicked immediately. We were telepathic with each other in a lot of ways. It felt right, but it wasn’t. I’ve since learned that a deep connection is not necessarily a good connection. It’s like how smart people aren’t always nice; these things can coincide, but they don’t have to.
    After that breakup I started dating someone else. We’re still together, planning on getting married, and this is – by far – the best relationship of my life. And maybe it’s good that I stayed in the previous one as long as I did. Maybe the timing was important for where I’ve ended up.

  • “ding ding ding ding!” That’s what I’m hearing inside as I read your comment, Maggie.
    Thank you for chiming in here!
    For those that don’t know Maggie’s work:

  • Maggie says:

    This one is interesting. Because at the core of allowing for me, is accepting what is, exactly as it is right now and then choosing, from a place of acceptance, how you want it to be.
    Some relationships can be healed in a form that continues and some relationships are healed in a form that includes separation. I would focus on healing and love, asking things like What would love do right now? And then see where that leads…
    Also seeing the person from a soul perspective – seeing them as perfect whole and complete and then acknowledging you may not have a preference for their current behavior, just noticing the preference and then deciding, how you will react that preference.
    And asking what are my personal boundaries? What I am not clear about? And looking at where I can define for myself what is acceptable to me and what is not.
    Any of the above would be a good place to start in my book.

  • Helen, your words are ringing true for me!
    And Frank, you’re right – sometimes deliberate creators turn to LOA/Universe for a solution in order to avoid the action they don’t want to take. Whether that’s the case here or not, I couldn’t say, but some reading this may recognize themselves in that situation.
    In fact, I think Lisa was sort of writing about that here:
    It may also be that a person has a habit of anger/frustration or whatever, and it doesn’t matter who shows up to be the excuse for running it.
    I guess that means we should be sure to honor our hearts with inspired action as well as doing the vibrational work on ourselves, so we don’t miss this present opportunity to evolve ourselves and also don’t do a repeat experience with the next one.
    Interesting discussion, to be sure!

  • Jeannette –
    It seems to me that the question, drilled down to its essence, is this:
    “How can I use LOA to ignore my intuition?”
    The best answer might very well be:
    “It’s time to go.”
    Using LOA to try to impose our will on our reality (the very one we are creating moment after moment) really doesn’t work, not from a deliberate perspective. After a while, it really is like hitting a child because they won’t behave. And, I suspect that’s where the idea comes from for most of us.
    For myself, the key really is in finding the willingness to let the relationship crash and burn. Until that becomes OK and the resistance to the what-is comes down a bit, the feeling of spinning in circles will probably continue.
    In any event, I am deeply imagining and feeling the relief this savvy creator is asking for and will certainly find!

  • helen says:

    Personally it is really about what you are prepared to put up with. It isn’t a matter of loving him unconditionally it is more about loving yourself unconditionally. You can still decided to only look at his good points but that doesn’t mean you have to stay with him, especially if his good points are out weighed by his negative ones. You can give concentrating on his positive aspects a go but you also need to not focus on his negative ones & you need to focus on your positive aspects too rather than your negative ones. But good luck all I know is if you have to struggle to see someones good points then you might be better off without them in your life.

  • I KNEW you guys were going to have really helpful things to share! Thank you already for the wisdom gathering here that I know will benefit many others as well. mwah!

  • Carolyn says:

    my 2 cents worth? try to not let his actions bother you. try unconditionally loving him…not an easy feat I know! but try it for what its worth. as Abraham says see him and your relationship through the eyes of Source. appreciate even if its just that one positive aspect you see in him. theres room for the anger sure …i mean we are human after all…but dont dwell there. move on to better thoughts. to what Source sees and you will see a change. you will eventually only see experience his positive aspects as this is where your attention is. you can only attract to you that which is already somehow in your vibration.
    personally i have tried this and seen it work..but as you all know..its a work in progress because contrast has its own place in all this. so hope this helps

  • Jesann says:

    Thought of this right when I hit “submit” — Pick your battles. Sometimes that can diffuse anger right away. If the problem is that the other person doesn’t pick up his or her dirty laundry on the morning of laundry day, think about whether that’s a battle you want to deal with. Sometimes, that’s all you need to do.
    If there’s major disrespect going on though, that’s adversely affecting your life (promising to pick you up and then forgetting, for example, leaving you stranded), then the anger’s a hint.

  • Leigha says:

    Honestly, I would love to know more. There are things that you can do and stop doing, say and not say that can turn things around on a dime…and also raise your vibration. I can’t exactly say what those are without knowing a little bit more.

  • Jesann says:

    Gosh, not to fan flames, but maybe the issues isn’t “not noticing” it and “not becoming angry.” Maybe it’s “handling the anger in a different way.” If you’re not being respected, especially if that’s happening repeatedly and you’ve told the other person that you don’t like that, getting angry is actually a good thing. Just use it to move in one direction or another, be that talking it out, leaving, or whatever — don’t swallow the anger and seethe, hoping that this time the other person will get it.

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