Fellow creators, I’m tapping your expertise to answer a big question from a kind soul about moving on after a breakup …
If you’ve ever sorted out how to feel better after a heartbreaking loss, I want to hear from you.
While I have a few ideas about what can help, this is one of those questions better addressed by the community rather than just me.
Here’s the question I’d love your help in answering:
Do you happen to have ideas for how to move on? From a breakup when you still love the person?
How do you get in a happy place now and not feel lonely?
If you’ve got tips or wisdom to share, please kindly post. Many thanks!
Five weeks ago my live-in boyfriend of almost four years ended our relationship in one short and heated discussion.
Some of you heard me commit to having this breakup in the vortex, so I thought it time for an update as to how that’s working out.
Quick backstory: last month Russ said he’d had enough, was crystal clear that this wasn’t what he wanted, and if I wasn’t prepared to make immediate and significant change (which meant limits on a friendship with an ex-beau), then we were done.
So we were done.
Just like that.
While reeling from the shock of this surprise turn of events, I turned to my cohorts in creation and committed to having the best breakup I’d ever had. A breakup in the vortex (ala Abraham).
I’ve never had one of those (a fun, enjoyable, loving breakup?) – so I didn’t know exactly what it would be like or how to go about creating it …
… but I did know from the anger, resentment and fear that was bubbling up that I needed to get very deliberate about what I chose to feel through all this. Or I could easily get swept up in the typical routine of what we expect a breakup to be.
So in to the vortex I headed.
That trip in started with being really upset, primarily with his idiocy, some other name-calling (in my own mind and to a compassionate girlfriend or two), and a healthy round of blame.
That might not sound like vortex material, but it was an enormous step up from the initial despair and powerlessness I felt in those first red hot moments.
So with the feeling-better momentum in place (even if it came from bad-mouthing and imagining his deep regret about such a stupid move), I swiftly moved on to disappointment and then worked my way up to acceptance.
(When I say swiftly, I mean a couple of days. This didn’t happen overnight.)
And get this: after being willing to fully feel all the not-so-nice stuff, I got beautiful access to the higher vibrations! (It always surprises me how well that turns out!)
After being willing to feel scared and mad and all that other non-fun stuff, it gave me freedom from being stuck there. Super cool how that works.
In that space, I had the presence of mind to remember that big change can only mean one thing – good things coming!
Life only gets better (when you know to manage the contrast and go with the good flow), so to have a big shakeup like this must mean life was getting even better than before. And I thought it was good to start with, so this would be interesting to see how Universe could top it!
I had no idea what “better than before” might look like – a new house? A new man? A new focus on me, or maybe my work? This house to myself? More cats?? I didn’t know.
I couldn’t see the end result, but I reiterated to myself that it’s only going to get better.
And I knew that would work best if I could flow some surrender and acceptance, rather than resistance.
So I got okay with it.
In fact, after a little bit of practice with the better-feeling thoughts, I started to be excited about what would happen next!
I actually woke up one morning, you know that moment of instant recall once you’re awake again and the flood of realization comes back about what’s happening in life – yeah, at that moment the thought that spontaneously popped in was “I love my life!”
To naturally come up with that thought in the midst of an uninitiated and unwanted breakup? I knew I was in the vortex!
Which made it easier to appreciate all that was present in my life – not knowing whether I’d be with any of it next week even.
I soaked up the good stuff now: waking up in this fabulous bed, hearing those beautiful birds outside, seeing his ridiculous Frosted Flakes in the pantry, picking up his mail from the mailbox, dating a scratch golfer (surely that wouldn’t happen again!), admiring this gorgeous backyard, talking to him about the vote on Survivor that he missed, even something as simple as saying goodnight.
All the stuff I’d been taking for granted! Sure I appreciated it, but not like I was NOW. Now that I realized it might not be here tomorrow.
I mentally traced back the path to how I got here, those early dates in the beginning, what a breath of fresh air he was. His traits of being super practical and thinking ahead and smelling so good. And the frustrations, too! I could even enjoy those now that I knew they wouldn’t be in my future. No more not letting dogs on the people couch – ha! No more over-trimming of the lawn. Ahhhh.
It was a lot of enjoyment packed in those days.
Not to mention a tremendous amount of love and support coming from facebook friends and GVU compadres. That was a LOT of love you guys sent!
So here I was dripping in love at a time when, typically, one would expect to be fired up with quite the opposite feelings.
It felt very vortexy!
I emailed Russ a sweet and heartfelt note about how I imagined he was having a rough day, because even though all this was his idea I knew it wasn’t easy for him. I told him how much I admired his courage to do what was in his heart, and how grateful I was that he honored what mattered to him, even when I didn’t agree with it.
And I shared my confidence that good things were in store for both of us.
I even wrote to him suggesting that his next partner would be so much more of what he wanted. I could genuinely enjoy the thoughts of him being happy with someone else, especially knowing life would get better for me, too. However that might look!
So when he brusquely asked me to stop writing him and stay out of his way until we got into separate houses, I respected his request. I knew his way of breaking up was different than mine, and I easily accommodated his request by laying low. I stopped sending notes and did my best to not be home when he was.
I was turning out to be a really good ex-live-in-girlfriend!
After several days of this, Russ sent a note (when he couldn’t reach me by phone) saying he realized he had complained about things that seemed trivial now, that we had a good life together he had taken for granted, and that he hoped there was a road back for us.
My rather rigid response was that there was no going back, our breakup was official (it was on facebook after all) and that I wasn’t interested in “going backwards.”
He responded that instead of going back to how things were he was committed to moving forward to join me where I was. In this place of love and appreciation and commitment to feeling good.
Holy hannah – he’s joining me in the vortex?!
Sure enough, that’s what the last month has been. And continues to be once I dropped my resistancey “rules” about how to conduct relationships with exes.
This union is now better than it ever was – even though we’re technically “exes” – it got even better than it was before. In too many ways to count. (If this post weren’t already this long, I’d share some of those ways.)
Although there is one very surprising and interesting side effect I will mention from this vortex breakup: I have never had less interest in other men ever before in my entire life.
Like, I would have expected that in having a new ex I’d feel quite single and open to possibilities – “available” in some sense – since I wasn’t in a committed relationship.
And yet, the opposite has happened. I couldn’t have less interest in other men. That surprises me (I am a libra sun after all) to feel a deeper level of commitment in a supposedly “uncommitted” relationship.
So I’m having the best time ever with my newest ex-boyfriend, and looking forward to more of it. Although I know that if he changes his mind tomorrow, I know how to handle that situation quite nicely. (Been there, done that.)
Universe delivered exactly what I expected in a way I didn’t anticipate. Big change ushering in even better stuff. From my personal experience I will say that breakups in the vortex are not to be missed!
This post isn’t done, though, until I give due credit and thanks to those of you who flooded my world with vibrations of love and support. Seriously, a girl couldn’t have a bad breakup when she’s in the midst of that sea of love! Thanks, all.
My patience was sorely tested at lunch with dad the other day when the table behind us had 14 kids running around like they’d just been let out of the nuthouse.
(Yes, I can say “nuthouse” after that lunch. I earned it.)
Literally – they were running around!
From the restrooms to the fountain back to their table, then to the empty section (where they didn’t stay nearly long enough) before they burst through the doors to make the rounds again.
In moments like that, I totally get parents who beat their children.
And .. okay, it was probably more like four kids than 14, but still. It was nerve-wracking.
With their frazzled mom whisper-shouting their names every time they passed, and their dad retreated to the parking lot to spend his lunch hour in peace, no doubt. It wasn’t fun.
But my lunch date wasn’t phased. Dad just commented the kids must be full of energy and happy to be here. And that’s as negative as he got.
(Seriously, dad? Are you kidding? What kind of drugs are you on?)
His biggest challenge was sharing a meal with someone ranting about how they should have child-free restaurants, the same way the Disney Cruise has an “adults only” island, and how some movie theaters don’t let you bring in babies.
(Good ideas for those of us who haven’t developed immunity from screaming kids!)
I didn’t wonder too long how it was he and I could have such dramatically different experiences in the same place at the same time under the same circumstances – until my boyfriend broke up with me earlier this week.
(If you just gasped and said “what the …?!” – that’s what I said, too!)
But my beau of almost four years was fed up, tired of not getting what he wanted, done with compromise and through with the dissatisfaction he felt in this relationship.
Which was news to me, because I thought we had a pretty good thing going.
Sure, it wasn’t perfect, but it mostly was.
The parts that weren’t perfect were just my chance – and my responsibility – to clean up my focus (i.e. change my dial). Not change my partner.
But that was just my version. Turns out he was telling a different story.
Where he saw indifference, I saw acceptance. When he felt isolated, I felt independent. What he thought was “wrong,” I thought was very, very right.
How could two smart and observant people be in the same relationship and yet experience it so dramatically differently?
I think Dani Webb helped reveal the answer on her facebook page the other day. She asked:
Why is the mindset of lack and/or “it won’t happen” sooooo much easier to be in than the place of abundance and possibility?
It’s a good question.
How dad can be in the same restaurant with the same screaming kids and still have a pleasant lunch while I thought the manager should blacklist the whole family, is the same reason Russ can be in a dismal relationship while I’m thinking we’re on our way to happily ever after.
The difference is our point of focus and how we choose to perceive things.
And that is a choice.
A choice I made again when the breakup was revealed to me.
I chose to enjoy the process (although it did take a minute to get there), to be glad for forward movement, and told members of Good Vibe U that I got to practice breaking up in the vortex.
That’s a separate post in itself, but things got so vortexy (with GVU members’ reminders that it’s a breakthrough, not breakup, and that these are sacred days to be embraced, not resisted) that Russ soon saw things how I’d been seeing them. As perfect. Not to be changed a bit. The sort of thing that makes you realize you’d been living a dream come true life.
Yeah, I know that – how could he not have seen it?
Well, the same way I didn’t see those kids as full of energy and happy to be here. I dialed in differently.
And thank goodness we each get to choose how we dial in!
Our point of focus is not dependent on our upbringing, our astrology, or our past experiences. Although those things can certainly affect us, they’re not more powerful than our ability to choose. We get the chance to pick a dream come true life or a “This sucks, you suck, I’m outta here” life.
Today, just like yesterday and the day before, I get to choose whether to dial in on “He’s an idiot and an ass” or … something else.
So, what are you dialed in on?
If it’s what you want, kudos to you! If it’s a conscious choice you’ve made every day until it became habit, you’re my hero!
And if it’s not, remember each and every day you have the choice to change your dial.
You choose what you want long enough, and pretty soon you’ll happily forget that other settings were even possible.