When you’re manifesting a new love relationship, how do you handle hookups … yay or nay?
Does a casual connection mess with the alignment to a committed relationship, or does it have no effect at all?
Or might it even help in manifesting the love we want?
That’s the question from a fellow creator.
I’ve got thoughts, but this one felt worthy of running it by you all.
Here’s the question word for word:
What your thoughts were on hookups if you’re also looking for a relationship? Not necessarily with the person you’re hooking up with … but can you attract a great guy and have a little fun with someone else along the way?
Good question, right?!
What say you, wise ones? I’d especially love to hear from those with personal experience.
Thanks in advance for sharing your expertise!
This post is by request after Mia asked how I manifested the guy who felt like “home sweet home” the first time I laid eyes on him.
I’ve probably shared this story somewhere else, but I like it so much I thought it worth retelling. 🙂
It’s 2006 and I’ve been actively dating a bunch of fabulous men for about a year or two. I’ve had an absolute blast with amazing guys, but the whole “rotation,” we’ll call it, is starting to lose its luster.
I’m (finally) in the mood for a keeper.
Someone I can put some time in with. To get to know someone in a way that you don’t during 3 month stints. I want a relationship that’s got legs.
My name for him is “One of the Ones.” (Because I don’t believe in just One.)
But I’m ready for someone Significant. Someone to go the distance with.
So I decide to manifest One of the Ones. My attitude about it was, “Bring him on, Universe, I’m ready for a keeper!”
That wasn’t out of frustration with dating, or being treated poorly by men. I was having a great time. I was just ready for something else.
(I think that vibrational setup matters.)
I had loved being single and loved meeting new guys. But now I just wanted to love a new guy for a longer while.
After deciding this (not wanting it, not wishing for it, but deciding it), the next thing I did was make a list. The ubiquitous manifesting list.
Mine’s got 47 things on it, including that he’s a dog lover and drives a truck. (I’m thinking a down to earth kind of guy who loves animals.)
I wrote the list once and mostly forgot about it. (I might have read it once or twice after for fun, but it certainly wasn’t a regular practice.)
Due to what I knew about vibration and attraction, I strongly suspected I would meet this guy doing something that I loved. Right? Love your life, and life gets even better.
So I suspected I would meet my new guy while doing something with my dogs. Probably a dog walk up the canyon. But maybe Petsmart, maybe at the dog park. Maybe at a volunteer event. But probably up that favorite canyon of mine.
On every walk I had an eagle eye out for cutie patootie guys with no rings. “Oh, maybe that’s him!” I would think when I turned the corner to see another handsome stranger smiling at me. (I was probably throwing off some strange energy.)
Other than those dog walks where I knew I was eventually going to meet him, I’m enjoying other parts of my life as if he were already here …
So basically I’ve got a couple of LOA elements in play:
I know he’s coming (because I said so). I’m expecting to meet him on a dog walk someday (no hurry, no time pressure). I’m enjoying myself in the meantime and also acting as if he’s already here (in certain moments where it works to do that).
In the meantime, back at the ranch, I am done with dating and have no interest in reactivating my online dating profile. Great entertainment, but no keepers. That was my assessment.
Here’s where Universe started to surprise me …
One day I’m on the computer and an ad gets my attention for eharmony. Never did eharmony; have no intention of starting now.
Except inspiration is crawling all over this thing.
Like, I can’t ignore it. I feel something pulling me to check out this eharmony thing.
Seriously, eharmony?! Sheesh. I don’t know what Universe is thinking – I’m meeting my guy at a dog park. But I know not to ignore inspiration, even when it makes no sense.
So fine. I put up a profile. Just to satisfy that guidance that said to.
And sure enough, it was such a bad idea that I asked eharmony for a refund when they only returned three matches. One of which was already hooked up and hadn’t taken himself off the site yet. They apologized for not having more matches and refunded my fee.
There was one match, though, who requested a fast track so we could exchange messages. I didn’t know the whole fast track routine, but I said yes and we exchanged a few notes. Nice enough guy. Kind of funny. Attentive, but respectful. I wasn’t having a bad time.
Until he shared his must-haves and can’t-stands. (I think it’s called something different now.)
His must-haves included something like “fashionable” or “stylish” and “financially responsible.”
Okay, stylish is the last thing anyone is ever going to call me. And the last time I balanced my checkbook was after mysterious untraceable money kept showing up in my account. I figured it was my easy money intention coming to fruition, and stopped tracking that balance. So if he’s looking for someone with her nails done and her bank balance accounted for, I’m not her.
I tell him it looks like we’re not a match and I shut down my profile.
Eharmony delivers his impassioned plea for me to reconsider. He thinks we have potential. He thinks there’s something worth exploring.
Something in me has a yes for this, although I really don’t want him to get in the way of the guy I’m meeting on my dog walk.
Okay, fine, I say, we can meet up in person.
Soon after I’m driving to meet him for a movie date.
As soon as I saw him, I felt like I’d come home. It felt like I’d been on vacation all my life and I was finally coming home sweet home.
He just felt so right.
It wasn’t that he was the most handsome guy I’d ever seen. It wasn’t that he was so charming and witty that he swept me off my feet instantly. It wasn’t that I was dazzled by his wealth and success in life.
I just knew this was where I was meant to be.
Bizarre, right? I’d never experienced anything like that with a guy before.
He didn’t have a dog and he didn’t drive a truck. But as we got to know each other I learned he was 43 of the 47 things I’d put on that list.
I had a girlfriend once who told me about how the first time she saw her husband, she knew they’d be married. He was just a guy in a bar, and she came to work the next day knowing they would marry. (They did! And they’re married to this day!) I didn’t understand how anything could work like that.
But I do now.
The time from deciding to call in One of the Ones to meeting my guy online was three weeks. That was nine years ago, he reminded me the other day when he said happy anniversary. 🙂
To recap this manifesting process:
What wasn’t part of it was looking for him on the dog walks. Go figure.
People regularly ask how to keep others from bringing you down when you’re trying to hold a good vibe.
It’s something we’ve all run into before, I suspect.
In fact, you guys gave great advice for how to handle that in this Q&A post from last year.
Since it’s such a common question, I wanted to address it again.
… it’s good for a conscious creator to know how to handle that kind of input.
We all know how wearing it can be to try to help a faultfinder see things differently. In fact, if we spend too much time doing that, we may end up as discouraged as they are.
Here’s what I’ve found works:
1. Limit exposure.
Sometimes it’s as easy as choosing not to interact with the negative nelly in your life. You can end friendships or romances that require more work to stay in positive territory than it’s worth. You can even minimize time spent with family members who are chronic complainers.
If you’re stuck at work with a co-worker who brings you down, I know people who have employed ear buds, strategic turning of chairs, adjusted schedules, etc. to create time away from the draining colleague.
Often this is the path of least resistance that we don’t even consider choosing. But if that doesn’t feel fab, try the next suggestion:
2. Let them have it their way.
Because we know the power of thoughts, we’re often tempted to help friends and loved ones switch out of their negative mindset. But that can backfire. (What we resist persists.)
In the interests of not offering resistance, you might even try “loving this about them.” You know we practice that with our own self-love (loving the ‘unlovable’)? It can be a transformational experiment to practice embracing them with their negativity and all.
After all, you know why we love Oscar the Grouch, Grumpy Cat, and Up’s ornery old guy so much? Because they’re rather entertaining when we know they can’t hurt us.
So best advice is to remember that we don’t all have to agree, and your good vibe doesn’t depend on theirs. So don’t exert a lot of effort trying to convince them life is good. Just let them be (maybe even love them for it) and follow the next tip:
3. Get grounded in your perspective.
Don’t let them sway you to the dark side. There’s this thing called entrainment, where someone who is strongly committed to a particular vibration can sweep others up in it. Remember how you want to feel and keep your thoughts focused where they serve you. They’ll make their exit soon enough if you can maintain your good vibe.
Here’s an example of that:
One day I was having a perfectly lovely afternoon when a boyfriend walked through my door in an exceptionally angry state of mind. I can’t remember what he was so mad about, but it was definitely directed at me.
As he ranted about whatever he was so upset about, I felt my blood pressure rising. I was starting to get hot, too (“I didn’t deserve this! What’s wrong with him?”), and I took a breath to fire back – but in that breath I had a flash of insight: this isn’t how I want to feel. I was having a perfectly nice day – why would I ruin it? This isn’t even mine. He’s the one who’s mad – I don’t have to join him in it. I know better. And I exhaled that breath I’d taken to let him have it, and instead let him continue his tirade for another minute.
And that’s about all it took for him to realize I wasn’t going to join him in this “upset” energy. He paused for my response, which I think I said something to acknowledge that I heard him. When I didn’t take the vibrational bait he turned on his heels and slammed the door behind him.
Because peace and love can’t hang with anger and hate for very long. Something’s gotta give. Make sure it isn’t you.
4. Ask them to keep it to themselves.
This isn’t appropriate for all situations, but sometimes the easiest thing to do is make a request of the person shoveling the sh*t your way.
“I’m making a concerted effort not to worry about this, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t add to my concerns.” Or maybe something like, “I get that that’s how you feel; I see it differently. Let’s leave it at that.”
Yesterday Russ practiced this with me by simply saying, “I’m not going to argue with you about this.” And that was that. (Hint taken, sweetheart!)
I’ve asked my animal rescue friends to not share horror stories with me. They know to call me with good news. When my contact calls for help, he keeps the “problem” part of the situation to a minimum. It can be surprisingly effective to just make a solid request of someone to be more considerate about what they’re sharing.
5. Pre-pave your interactions.
And then there are times to just get magical about it. You can use your creative powers to have a different experience with the negative nelly in your life:
Set an intention in advance. Plug into the feeling you want to feel before you get there. Practice knowing them differently. Imagine positive exchanges unfolding instead of bracing for the onslaught of negativity.
My success rate with these techniques isn’t 100%, but it’s close enough to feel like magic when I remember to use it!
Bonus tip: crossing paths with someone dialed on the negative can be a wake up call to check our own perspective. If we’ve been repressing our own negative thoughts, sometimes they come out of someone else’s mouth.
More than anything it gives us a chance to walk our LOA talk by remembering external circumstances do not dictate how we feel. Rather, we choose how we feel. And we can do that right now, by choosing not to be brought down by Mr./Ms. Grumpy Pants.
Lead your own party by choosing how you want to roll, and let them make their exit if they aren’t up to speed.
Hope that offers some helpful alternatives for the next time you’re in this boat.
And I’d love to hear what’s worked for you. If you’ve got a great story to share or a tip that we haven’t covered, thanks for sharing in the comments.
This is a story about the power of focus, and how it serves us to be very conscientious about where we point that thing.
Once upon a time I broke up with a boyfriend that I shared a beautiful home with.
I had decided that his jerk-side outweighed his sweetheart-side by more than I appreciated. Our up and down romance came to a final and undeniable end.
Although our co-mortgage didn’t.
For a while we stalemated each other, each refusing to move out of the house we both loved, knowing the other would eventually give in and pack his/her bags.
I had several rescued animals – all of which were either senior, blind or feral – that I was decidedly reluctant to relocate. We would wait him out.
In the meantime, I met a fabulous new guy who was super hot, incredibly interesting and ridiculously charming.
My heart beats fast just thinking about him!
He was hot stuff, you guys.
He’d traveled the world and had amazing stories to tell. He was a triathlete without an ounce of body fat. Handsome, rich, successful, respectful of my work, plus he had the sexiest accent I’ve ever dated.
It was jackpot city!
He was ridiculously easy to have a good time with.
And I did!
Where I wasn’t having a good time, though, was back at the ranch, living under the same roof as my ex. Who did not appreciate my new dating life.
He was ornery, argumentative and inconsiderate, to say the least.
(Understandable under the circumstances, but I figured this is all the more reason he should leave once and for all.)
Remember I had multiple animals in my care, so leaving the house wasn’t an option until I could take everyone with me.
All I could do, since I was unwilling to move the menagerie at the time, was to practice my focusing skills as a conscious creator and set the vibrational tone for the life I wanted. Continue reading
Are you ignoring potentially detrimental input from others?
That’d be fine, if you really could (ignore it).
Or if it wasn’t an important reflection of our own inner vibe. But there’s something important to pay attention to here …
I’m not saying that the other person involved is to blame. (Although, hello, they may deserve credit for being a first class ass.)
We know we can’t experience what we aren’t a vibrational match to. And if you’re repeatedly hearing something negative from someone you love (or used to love, or have to work for) – that’s a reflection of something inside you.
That deserves some cleaning up.
Inside and out.
But we have to be aware of it in order to do that work. Which is why I’m advocating paying attention to those opinions that I used to be such a big fan of ignoring.
Your work here is to get straight with yourself and remember what the truth is – you are perfect, whole and complete. As is. Always. Automatically. Already. Right now. Forever more.
That’s the truth.
(I guess that also applies to the one who’s telling you how rotten you are, too, technically.)
But if this input recurs repeatedly over time, that’s not good to ignore, my friends.
I’m not saying there are easy answers for managing it, but pretending it isn’t a problem does not strike me as a self-loving alternative.
And I might have this all wrong. (I’d love to hear your thoughts, please!)
Where I land with it is if you’re dismissing someone’s abuse because
it’s time to get that straightened out.
It’s not good for you or your vibe to be exposed to repeated long term negative opinions about yourself.
This is Self Love 101. Or maybe it’s the graduate level 501 course – I don’t know.
But I do know that it’s not just a matter of addressing the external – the job is to get aligned to truth and love within as well.
What do you think? Is it possible to ignore verbal abuse from a loved one and not be affected by it? Thanks in advance for sharing!
(Picture: Right Sizing from www.f1me.net)
This guest post on using law of attraction to manifest love comes from Jarmila Gorman:
Relationships are one of the most important things in our life. We are all looking for that special someone to share our world.
Sometimes it feels like we will never meet the right person, but we can turn our love lives around quickly by using the law of attraction for relationships.
If we really want to have a wonderful and fulfilling love-match, we have to let go of our fears and desperation and start putting positive energy out there to attract the right person. This means letting go of loneliness and showing the world how strong and confident we are.
The problem with loneliness is that it quickly becomes a cycle of desperation and unhappiness. We have to let it go, otherwise, we will always be lonely. The law of attraction says we attract, or create more of, whatever we settle our attention on. When we give our sad and lonely thoughts all of our focus, we only ensure that these feelings will never end for us. That they will be perpetuated in cycles that never end as we meet and attract the wrong person, are happy for a moment, and then find ourselves alone again, or, simply never seem to find anyone to share with.
Along with our sad, solitary thoughts, we have to relinquish desperation. This is a very unattractive energy, and if we feel as though we would do anything to find someone and keep them in our lives, or willing to betray ourselves or our friends, this definitely needs to be checked. The thing about desperation is that it is repellent to healthy, happy people, and attractive to dangerous, unhealthy, and manipulative people. At best, this sentiment will attract someone just as desperate and lonely, and, at worst, it will attract someone with more sinister motivations.
Finally, we have to dispel any thoughts of low self-esteem, doubted self-worth, or undeservedness. If we don’t feel like we deserve to be loved, celebrated, and treated wonderfully, we just never will be. The truth is, everyone deserves love and happiness. The only way we can compromise this is to feel as though it is something we can never have, or something we have to take by force. Inherently, everyone is loved and worthy of love, and love is readily available all the time, in many, many forms.
Now that we have discussed the ideas and thoughts which may be keeping us confined and unhappy, let’s discuss what kind of thoughts can help us expand and find the one we have been waiting for.
The key to really having all we want is to think and act as though we already have it. One simple exercise is just to close your eyes, right now, and picture yourself with the person of your dreams. Imagine you are smiling, laughing and feeling everything you would be if that person were with you. Notice how you actually feel these emotions and this happiness. Let yourself smile. Then, open your eyes and keep that feeling with you. Be grateful for it, and take it out into the world.
Daily, we can use positive affirmations to get rid of our negative thoughts. This requires watching ourselves to catch when we have negative thoughts, such as, “I want to find someone,” “I need a boyfriend/girlfriend” or “I am so alone.” None of these thoughts, should we say them and believe them, will do us any good at all. All they do is keep us miserable and searching.
Instead, we can say something like, “I attract love to me,” “I deserve someone great!” or, “I let go of any desperation when it comes to relationships or my love life.” These positive thoughts immediately change our emotional landscape and help us project and be happiness. As we all know, happy, confident people are wonderful to be around and very attractive to other healthy, happy people.
While we can’t help but wish for someone special to come into our lives right away, we can change what we tell ourselves about our current circumstances. Not only will this make us feel better, it will tell the universe that we are ready for good things and happiness to come and find us.
Instead of communicating loneliness, desperation, and need, we communicate joy, confidence, and radiant love. The end result is, we get joy, confidence, and radiant love returned to us. We find that we can attract someone who also has these treasures to share, and want to share them with us.
* * * * * * * *
Jarmila is a writer in the personal development niche with a strong and ever growing desire to help people create their dream lives. She is a passionate student of the amazing abilities and potential of the human mind. Jarmila is a writer with a goal to inspire you to LIVE your life, on purpose, out loud and with a big smile on your face. You can find more of Jarmila’s articles on meditation at the Silva Method Life. When she is not writing, Jarmila is outside taking photographs, hiking the Colorado mountains or cycling to the far horizon.
I tried LOA once over the past year – it was hard work and felt like moving a mountain to get to a positive thought about my very difficult and abusive 18 year old daughter. It kind of helped, though. She came home for about a month, but there was another explosion and she was off again.
She came back but has barely been in the house and there are many difficult communications. (Her ignoring texts, calls, being dismissive; me saying don’t come back till you apologize.) Very distressing and feels like I’m reaching an empty tank of love and care.
I’m finding it very hard to work out how to do LOA in this situation. It’s very upsetting when she doesn’t respond well or contact me.
If you have any tips or suggestions that might help me generate some LOA that will bring the happy resepctful relationship I want – I will be forever grateful!
What say you wise parents? I imagine some of you may have successfully navigated similar situations that might be helpful to share with our mom here, or maybe you’ve got a couple inspiring thoughts to help get her through this tunnel.
Thanks in advance for whatever you’re able to offer!
We regularly hear how transformative it is to focus on the best in another.
To notice what we appreciate most, to get deliberate in seeing nice qualities – that’s reportedly extremely effective in changing the nature of an otherwise contentious relationship.
I believe it’s true, but wanted to get some recent research on the process.
What do you say we experiment with it together?
We think of someone we normally have mixed feelings about (for many of us that may be someone under our own roof) and then just take a few minutes to dwell on all the best parts of them. Even if we have to make some of those parts up.
Then I say we check back here in a week and report what, if anything, has changed in that relationship.
I’m actually going to post my good thoughts & nice observations in the comments, so they’re easier to remember if I find myself doing the “mixed” version again.
Feel free to share yours, too, if you like. Anonymously if that works better.
And we’ll check back after several days and see if anything’s different.
Thanks in advance for playing!
This is actually the process I ask clients who’ve hired me for relationship work to practice as we end our coaching, to ensure they keep things on the good track they created!
Again, our experiment is simple:
Most importantly, have fun! 🙂