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When Self-Love Feels Selfish



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For those who feel conflicted in practicing self-love because it seems selfish, this is for you.

Most of us have been trained to feel that we either put ourselves first or we put others first. As if they didn’t go hand in hand.

This is intended to help get straight about what it means to be selfish and to be good to ourselves. Read and comment here.

  • December 6, 2016

When Self-Love Seems Selfish

When self love seems selfishAbraham says nothing is more important than that we feel good.
That’s why not liking yourself is such a vibe-kinker. And why so many LOA coaches and teachers suggest self-love.
Because learning to be good to yourself, in thought and action, is the single-handed most powerful way to come into alignment.
We won’t really truly feel fulfilled until we like who we are.
And that’s a practice, guys. (At least, it is for those of us who were trained out of it.)
Here’s the obstacle some of my clients run into when I ask them to engage self-love …
Actually, they run into two challenges:

  • the first is not knowing what that even looks like (to practice self-love), and
  • the second is that it violates the conditioning they’ve received to put others first.

They think that to love themselves means they’re not being good to others. And that conflicts with their very basic programming to put others first.
As if you either love yourself or you love others. Because if you’re being good to yourself, someone else suffers.
I want to go on record to say that’s a bunchacrap.
A bunch of crap, you guys!
Nothing could be further from the truth!
To be good to yourself is to be good for the planet and everyone on it. There is no conflict.
Anything you think is a conflict is an illusion and a myth.
We are not serving others when we sacrifice our own desires and feelings for a “higher good.” There is no higher good than being good to ourselves!
I know that thought doesn’t fly with a lot of religious programming. But to be good to yourself is to bring your very best to the planet earth party.
Here’s another way to think of it …
If it really seems selfish to love yourself, then you need to know that it is a good thing to be selfish.
That is a habit you would want to cultivate and celebrate.
Because you aren’t doing anyone any favors when you live “less than.”
I shared an extreme example of this in a new podcast episode, of a mom who didn’t like being a mom. Who fantasized about leaving her kids behind to travel to another country, where she could pursue her life passion properly.
When she said yes to what she really truly desired, it changed everything for everyone.
It always does when we honor our true heart.
So if there’s any part of you that isn’t loving yourself properly because you think it negatively affects someone else, you’re invited to rethink that.
There is no way we’re better off because you’re shutting down something good for yourself.
That’s something worth getting straight about.
Your alignment depends on it!

  • December 6, 2016

When It Feels Good to Get Mad

When it feels better to get madIn a recent podcast I told the story of how good it felt to throw an engagement ring across the room at my fiance.
That might sound like a strange thing to delight in.
It was delicious, though. To this day I rank it as one of the best moments of my life.
Here’s why (and why contrast can be so valuable) …

Even though I was in my 30s and old enough to know better, I had pretty much devoted my life to pleasing others.

I was a good girl with a strong track record of doing what others wanted – straight A student, summa cum laude college grad, excelling at work, and general expert at pleasing parents, friends, teachers, bosses and boyfriends alike.

I was so good at doing what others wanted that when my fiance insisted I stop talking with an ex who was also a good friend, I acquiesced.

Even though there was nothing romantic between us and no reason my fiance should be worried, I did as he wished. Seemed a shame to give up a good friendship for no good reason, but back then I believed that relationships required compromise.

So I did what he wanted.

My fiance also insisted that I move in with him, because he didn’t like that we lived 30 minutes apart and wanted us to have more time together. Even though that tripled my work commute and meant uprooting several dogs and cats.

If that’s what he wanted, I’d do it. Because that’s what I did – what others wanted.

In preparation for that move I was painting before a friend moved in as my new renter.

My fiance came over to “help,” which meant watching me paint while talking about his day. I noticed his new shoes and complimented them.

“Oh yeah,” he said. “My ex picked these out for me.”

“Your ex? Picked out those? For you?” Just like in a car wreck, I could feel time starting to slow.

“Yeah,” he said. “We were shopping together and she picked them out.”

There was silence while I processed what he was saying and found my next words …

“So, I can’t even talk to my ex, let alone see him, but you can go shopping with yours?”

“Hmm,” he replied. “I see your point.” There was a three second pause while he looked up at the ceiling to think about it.

“But no.”

He would not hold himself to the same standard he held me to.

And that is when the ring came off.

With trembling fingers and a pounding heart, I finally said no. I finally stood up for myself and put my own desires above someone else’s.

Lil ole people-pleasing me, finally drawing the line.
It was like in the Matrix when Neo stops running and turns to face the agent.
I was becoming myself. Instead of what someone else wanted me to be.
(And maybe ring-throwing wasn’t necessary, but even in hindsight I think it was a nice touch.)
And that’s what I would wish on everyone
A chance to hear their heart, and the courage to say yes to it. Even when it’s hard. Even when others don’t approve. Even if it’s delivered through contrast.
That was the gift my fiance gave me.
Abraham says we didn’t come here for feathered nests and nothing but joy and bliss. (If that’s what we wanted, we’d stay on the other side of the veil!)
Contrast is part of the gig here.
It’s not a sign of failure when we’re in it. In fact, it’s very likely bringing one of the best gifts we could ever have. So when it’s that time, let’s roll with it.

  • July 18, 2016

You Are Legend

Some days we forget just how fabulous and well-supported we are.
Here’s a reminder for the next time you need one:

You Are Legend

You each walk with a Divine Entourage every single moment of every single day … perpetually surrounded by higher power beings who see you fully for the miracle that you are.

They never leave your side and they only – and always – love and adore you.

This full time support crew is not only your biggest circle of fans, but also your most committed confidantes and experts – sprinkling your path continually with an abundance of solutions and synchronicities for every fleeting desire and ambitious dream you dare entertain.

Your sacred cohorts know you can achieve anything you choose, and each and every one believes in you fully, even when you don’t.

Your spiritual posse sees your success before you even have a whiff of it, and celebrates every single step in your adventure of life as yet more proof of the legend that you are.

  • April 15, 2016

How To Tell If You're a Rock Star

How To Tell If You're a Rock StarJust how big a rock star are you? This ten point analyzer will give you a clue to the extent of your fabulousness …
First of all, if you’re reading this, you are definitely a rock star.
Visitors here are exceptionally fabulous. (Just read any comments at random to see what I mean!)
So the fact that you are reading now is already a good sign.
For further proof, consider this 10 Point Rock Star Analyzer:

1. Have you ever encouraged anyone who was down?
If so, you’ve definitely got Rock Star in you.

2. Ever given a sincere apology?
That’s Rock Star material there.

3. Do you whistle? Or sing out loud?
Either one counts for this Rock Star measure.

4. Tendency to share valuable tips and resources?
Might seem obvious to a Rock Star, but not everyone rolls like that. Just Rock Stars.

5. Ever do a favor for a stranger?
Rock Star.

6. How about sending a silent blessing to someone in need?
Definite Rock Star.

7. Have you ever shared your really good dessert?
My kind of Rock Star!

8. Given someone the benefit of the doubt?
Hats off to you, Rock Star!

9. Shared your skills with someone who could use the help?
Rock Star move, no doubt about it.

10. Have you scratched a dog’s head, opened a door for a cat or otherwise shown love to an animal?
That’s a special kind of Rock Star.

Extra rock star points/credit for any of these three:

Spoken kindly to yourself when you needed it.
That makes you a Rock Star of love.

Let yourself off the hook when it was the kind thing to do.
Not everyone has achieved this Rock Star status.

Taken a pause to fully appreciate this amazing life.
You’re an official Rock Star.

Just in case you’ve been taking your Rock Star self for granted. 😉

  • December 30, 2015

Sneaky Self Love Test

Self Love TestConscious creators know alignment is the name of the game.
Whether you think of it as alignment to Source, or alignment to what you want, or lining up with who you really are – it’s what makes the difference.
Closing that vibrational gap is a game changer!
And we also know that the external reflects the internal.
Which is why this little test of self-love can reveal your state of alignment.
All you do is look around the room until your eye lands on something in particular, and as you’re contemplating this item, answer the question, “How is this thing like me?”
Don’t overthink it; just let your answers be uncensored and unedited – whatever comes to mind.
Note that you’re not answering this question with your conscious mind; rather you’re just making room for your subconscious to speak up.

For example, you might glance around and notice the cup holder full of pens on your desk. As you focus on it, ask yourself, “How is this like me?”

And you might hear yourself saying something like: “A colorful variety of potential. Bright, fun, ready to play.”

Or you might hear something like: “Chewed up, used up, not working right, ready to be replaced.”

Can you see how this thing you’re describing can offer insight into how you feel about yourself?
It’s kind of magic.
Again, it’s a simple test:

  1. look around for something specific to focus on.
  2. while looking at it, answer the question, “How is this like me?”
  3. don’t edit your responses!

Your answer will be a reflection of how you feel about yourself.
Let’s try another example …

Maybe you glance around and see the Scooby Doo bobblehead on your shelf.

When you ask how this thing is like you, you might hear: “Delightful, entertaining, beloved by all. A true classic.”

Or you might hear: “Outdated, past its prime, no use to anyone. Taking up space.”

I don’t know what you’ll hear, but I suspect it will clue you in on your state of alignment these days.
So if it isn’t glowing and lovely, it might time to amp up your practice of self-love.
If you need tips for that, I wrote a whole book on it.
I talk about this subject a lot because I believe it is the single most important key to successful manifesting (let alone successful living).
But a powerful self-practice can begin with something as simple as learning to treat yourself (in thought, speech and action) the way you would treat someone you love.
It doesn’t have to be complicated.
At any rate, I hope you have fun with this little alignment check. I’d love to hear your results if you care to share!

  • June 24, 2015

Game Changing Advice from Archangel Michael

Daniel Scranton, channeling Archangel Michael

Daniel Scranton channels Archangel Michael

You guys know I’m a big fan of practicing self-love as a key to alignment.
Which may be why I so love this message from Daniel Scranton (channeling Archangel Michael).
Here’s game-changing advice that anyone could benefit from:

If we were to give you one piece of advice to live by and to apply to everything that you are living, we would tell you to give yourselves more credit.
If you were to give yourselves more acknowledgement, more praise, more love, you would see instant results in your life.
Not only would you enjoy your lives more, and not only would you feel better all that time, but that which is the reflection of your world would immediately show you how much it has to give.
Giving yourselves the credit that you deserve does not mean that you have to tally up all of your accomplishments and praise each one.
It means that you acknowledge the light that is you. The light that is you does not need to accomplish or achieve anything. The light that is you simply is. You are all gifts unto this world. Your gifts are not your talents. Your gifts are your being-ness. Your mere existence is a gift.
So many of you want to do something with your lives. You want to find your calling and your purpose, and you want to take the necessary action steps to get to where you want to go. You want the world to acknowledge your light before you do.
But what we recommend is that you look within yourselves for the light that you are, and without changing a thing, you give yourselves that acknowledgement and that credit and that love for simply existing as you are.
And then by all means be the light that you are, shine the light that you are, extend the light that you are out as far as you can.
Stop looking for your purpose. Look for the light that you are. Become your biggest fan. Be willing to let yourselves off the hook. Be willing to measure your success by how much you are acknowledging yourselves in the here and now for the unique expression of Source that you are, and for no other reason than that.
And everything that you do and say and are will follow from that acknowledgement. And you will shine. And others will notice. And you will show them how to find and acknowledge their own.
We are Michael. We are infinite. We are Love.

Find more channeled messages by Daniel Scranton here.
(And thanks to Flavia for sharing this with us in the GVU forums, and to Daniel for giving me permission to share!)
If you’re wondering how to go about becoming your biggest fan, it can be as simple as learning to be as good to yourself as you are to the ones you love.
Pay attention to how you show love for others, whether it’s a best friend, your kids, a kitty cat, your garden or even a stranger. The way you talk to, think about and interact with what/who you love – just start treating yourself the same way.
Because you already know how to do this. In fact, you’re an amazing lover. Let yourself in on that party.

  • October 23, 2014

Why Your Next Lover Wants You to Get Some Sleep

Get Some SleepLast night I stayed up later than I should have and am paying the price today … feeling groggy, dragging, less than usually enthused.
(But I really wanted to finish that movie!  That I fell asleep three times during …)
I told someone with a habit of staying up too late that this is the kind of activity that keeps his next love interest at bay.
Because we don’t attract people who are good to us when we treat ourselves like jerks.
Someone who is ready to love and adore you will be blocked or invisible until you’re a match to that energy, which means loving yourself.  YOU set the tone for how everyone treats you.
So if you’ve been really good at attracting jerks in your life, this might be a good time to check in on your self love practices.
If you find that you:

  • aren’t giving yourself the rest that lets you be your best or
  • eat less than fabulous foods or
  • work too hard or
  • don’t play enough or
  • put up with things you generally don’t like,

don’t be surprised when the people in your life aren’t so good to you either.
Like attracts like, and the world reflects how you feel about and treat yourself.
The good news: the change starts within.
So if you’d like love interests or family members or co-workers who treat you like gold, your mission is to treat yourself better.  In thought and action.
Because it matters more than you may realize.  (And it’s also great insulation from jerks.)
Coming up short on self love isn’t the only way we attract people who are less than fabulous to us, but it can be a contributor.  Which makes for good incentive to pay attention to how you treat yourself.
All right, nap time for me.   🙂

  • June 5, 2013
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