When Self-Love Seems Selfish

Abraham says nothing is more important than that we feel good.

That’s why not liking yourself is such a vibe-kinker. And why so many LOA coaches and teachers suggest self-love.

Because learning to be good to yourself, in thought and action, is the single-handed most powerful way to come into alignment.

We won’t really truly feel fulfilled until we like who we are.

And that’s a practice, guys. (At least, it is for those of us who were trained out of it.)

Here’s the obstacle some of my clients run into when I ask them to engage self-love …

Actually, they run into two challenges:

  • the first is not knowing what that even looks like (to practice self-love), and
  • the second is that it violates the conditioning they’ve received to put others first.

They think that to love themselves means they’re not being good to others. And that conflicts with their very basic programming to put others first.

As if you either love yourself or you love others. Because if you’re being good to yourself, someone else suffers.

I want to go on record to say that’s a bunchacrap.

A bunch of crap, you guys!

Nothing could be further from the truth!

To be good to yourself is to be good for the planet and everyone on it. There is no conflict.

Anything you think is a conflict is an illusion and a myth.

We are not serving others when we sacrifice our own desires and feelings for a “higher good.” There is no higher good than being good to ourselves!

I know that thought doesn’t fly with a lot of religious programming. But to be good to yourself is to bring your very best to the planet earth party.

Here’s another way to think of it …

If it really seems selfish to love yourself, then you need to know that it is a good thing to be selfish.

That is a habit you would want to cultivate and celebrate.

Because you aren’t doing anyone any favors when you live “less than.”

I shared an extreme example of this in a new podcast episode, of a mom who didn’t like being a mom. Who fantasized about leaving her kids behind to travel to another country, where she could pursue her life passion properly.

When she said yes to what she really truly desired, it changed everything for everyone.

It always does when we honor our true heart.

So if there’s any part of you that isn’t loving yourself properly because you think it negatively affects someone else, you’re invited to rethink that.

There is no way we’re better off because you’re shutting down something good for yourself.

That’s something worth getting straight about.

Your alignment depends on it!

  • December 6, 2016
  • Satya Singh says:

    I found this article very interesting and informative. The formula for being more loving and compassionate to oneself resonated and easy to understand and practice. Its so true that we cannot help others unless we love ourselves.

  • Anonymous says:

    Thank you for sharing this Jeannette! I go through the struggle of wanting to avoid relatives because of how I feel around them but also not wanting to upset them for not seeing them. I feel like blood family is really overrated. The people I feel the most deeply connected to are not part of my family (or maybe they’re part of my astral family. 😉
    Do you have any suggestions about buying what you can afford now or waiting until you have more money to buy what you really need/want? Something I’ve been wanting for a very long time is a laptop for music production, but I can’t afford one right now. I can afford an iPad though, but the apps for producing music are not as in depth as the programs the computer. I don’t really see how I could obtain either without my own money, which is why I’m asking this question. Despite focusing for a long time on the what, I could not come to believe that I would receive either a computer/iPad as a gift or in another way not involving me paying for it. I feel like I can’t wait anymore, but if I get what I can afford now, then I’m not sure how happy I’ll be with it.
    For money blocks, do we have to do the conscious belief shifting work, or could it be enough to have a form of energy healing, like chakra balancing or reiki, performed? I feel that the intellectual LOA and digging up limiting beliefs approaches aren’t working for me. I find myself drawn to other methods but feel unsure about trusting this information.

  • Matt OGrady says:

    Jmaw, SUCH a great topic. One that I’m sure all of us on this path have had to face one time or another…if not dozens or hundreds of times! 🙂
    After 20+ years of playing the Self Love game, I’ve realized that, for me, the problems arise when we try to think about this topic in a ‘self vs. them’ kind of thought process. If thats the case when we do focus on ourselves its probably not going to be too self loving anyway. It does not have to be a me or them scenario, a my kids or me, or the muslims or me, or the right wings or me, etc. it can be a “We are all One” mindset, or at least a “We Are All Connected” mindset. As Abraham says, we can ALL get what we ALL want. Its a very inclusive approach, rather than exclusive approach.
    Truth is, in my experience, is that when I am intimately, truly, and vulnerably, self loving, I am more that with others. Therefore, the more honest, and kind, and maybe even intensely passionate and compassionately focused on my Self, I am that sending that towards my Self, and that is immediately reflected out from my being in all directions, it becomes my focus point of vibration, the frequency Im tapped into so all who feel me, see me and love me, also feel it and receive it. I think its easy to forget as we live this life as human beings, that we are Soul first. Spirit first, Energy first. However, we can quickly bring it all back into alignment by vibrating Unconditional Love, which includes Self Love.
    One way that feels good to me is focusing on the keyword here, and thats Love. If we focus on simply being more loving, in all areas of our lives, others, self, the Universe, animals, trees, rocks, bugs, etc just every thing, it keeps the focus on Love rather than an Ego and we are uplifted and inspired every moment that we do so…
    In fact, I’m doing it right now! 🙂

  • Shan says:

    In my view, we owe it to the planet to honour, love and accept ourselves exactly as we are; this way we live courageously and authentically in our own rhythm. If more and more women did this (as women are mostly the ones who get on others’ trips), we would stand the best chance of making our unique contribution, coming from the essence of who we are with joy. And I really cannot see how that can happen when women call themselves and one another’guys.’ Every time I hear this I feel sad.

  • Nikki Davis says:

    Thank you so much, Jeannette, for writing this!
    I wish I would I have received this blog post years ago as that would have saved me so much suffering, energy, money, time, etc.
    The takeaway that is so timely is that I have decided to eliminate higher good altogether from my vocabulary and then this comes along!

  • Remika says:

    Thank you so much Jeannette for addressing this; I totally get how I was guided to read this post because I was struggling with this issue my entire life. I had always been a ‘people pleaser’ and by LOA I would attract those to me who would take and take and take. I also unknowingly at the time, attracted those who felt lack within themselves as they were reflecting the lack I felt within myself. I had difficulty honouring my feelings up until recently when I made the decision to just back away from the groups I was attending for meditation/yoga & so-forth.
    It was difficult for me to do this, especially telling a friend of mine I couldn’t honouring my commitment to helping her move her shop. I thought after telling her that, she would stop being friends with me. I was more afraid of her rejection vs honouring my feelings. Of course, when I made the decision to honour how I am feeling currently (I just want to be alone at the moment actually) and when I expressed that to the women of my group and my friend, they responded with such support I couldn’t even believe it. But of course after that I could because this “subtle” shift of valuing my feelings allowed the Universe to reflect back that value to me in the support that I got.
    I just had to face the possibility that my friend would reject me or that the women of the group that I attend would reject me. As difficult as that was, I knew that what I was choosing for myself at this moment felt better than fulfilling obligations out of fear of rejection. As I write these words, my throat is tightening up so perhaps I still have some cleaning up in my frequency to do. But like you said, it’s a practice, and one that I feel I going in the right direction.
    Thank you so much for posting this, again this was confirmation for me that I am on the right course and I just need to keep honouring how I feel and trusting that all will be well so long as I follow my heart. Wishing you much love and light 🙂

  • Janice says:

    From what I’ve learned from spirit … we didn’t come to earth to please others. We came to earth to create a joyful life.
    And yes .. we will disappoint others who may have agenda for our life .. that they shouldn’t.
    We should just kindly go about living our fabulous life .. even if others are disappointed. We are to learn to comfortably disappointing others. I’ve talked with many souls on the other side who on earth .. regret being here more for others than themselves. Live your life with no regrets!

  • Cindymc says:

    Love this post. My son and I were discussing this topic a few months ago. He said to me, “Mom, they got the golden rule backwards. Instead of ‘treat others the way you want to be treated’, it should read ‘treat yourself the way you want others to treat you’. Law of attraction!

  • Christina in FL says:

    I was recently reminded of airplane emergency procedures… put on YOUR OWN oxygen mask first BEFORE you help others.
    Nuff said. 🙂

  • Jennifer says:

    This was so timely for me, that it’s almost scary!
    Talk about being conditioned!
    I have been doing this to myself for a while now, and have allowed myself to be so well trained, that I even bow to the needs of our four legged family members before giving consideration to my own. (big sigh! – but, what can I say? they charm me lol)
    keeping this link in my inbox for that immediate, ready to revisit reminder that I so often need.
    Thanks once again, Jeannette, not only for doing what you do, but, also for putting it out there in the ‘no holds barred’ fashion that some of us ie: ‘me’ … desperately need, at times 🙂

  • Mia says:

    For me, self-love just simply means letting myself be as I am.
    Not wanting to improve myself or change myself, letting myself feel how I feel, letting myself be tired when I am tired, letting myself want what I want, letting myself be open and honest with myself and others, …
    It sounds simple and obvious but for me it makes the biggest difference. It doesn’t seem that selfish either because I also try to extend the same “permission” to others: Letting them be who they are. I admit, that’s not always so easy though! 😉
    Robyn L. Posin’s writings have definitely helped me with being more gentle, kind and allowing to myself.
    If anyone needs to practice that a little more, I highly recommend Robyn’s website (especially the tale finder) and her book (the title alone makes me feel good!):
    Go Only As Fast As Your Slowest Part Feels Safe To Go: Tales To Kindle Gentleness and Compassion For Our Exhausted Selves (Robyn L. Posin)
    P.S.: I love that bunny picture, Jeannette! 🙂

  • namaste says:

    I love this point you made, “We are not serving others when we sacrifice our own desires and feelings for a ‘higher good.’ There is no higher good than being good to ourselves!”
    I never thought much about self-love one way or the other until I heard this webinar done by Lori Hamann a few years ago. It’s an hour long but the part on self-love is only a few minutes. It really helped me to get this topic in a big way. The self-love part starts at 27:30 and finishes at 32:00 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=samX7PblcA0&index=22&list=LLOnrs2XEhWtOp7V9dSdOlqA

  • Nikky says:

    Well, I have been told that when I started the process of loving my self and putting myself first. I’ve been called Selfish, get off your high horse, arrogant etc. And that too by family and friends ( Friends no more)
    Well the family eventually came around and I value my relationship with myself and woundnt have it any other way.

  • Leslie says:

    Self love is one of the most difficult skills I’ve had to master — and I’m not yet a master, but working on it! Thanks so much Jeannette for this reminder — eloquent as always!

  • Dana Bouse says:

    Prevalent in society, and brainwashed into many young women … “serve others before serving yourself.” It’s been, and continues, to be an un-doing for me personally. I was “trained well” to anticipate everyone else’s needs, and never once did adults convey the utter importance of considering myself, unless of course, it somehow served them. This is how we lose ourselves. We grow up, become adults, and have no idea what we like, what floats our cork, what makes us laugh… Thank God for mentors, spiritual teachers and wise friends — not to mention Source, who’s relentlessly loving us, and helping us to remember (re-member, as in to make us feel whole again) just how frickin’ important, significant, and above all worthy of love we are for just BEing.

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