January 30, 2009

Who's Responsible For This?

responsibleThe other day my sweetie let me have it for something he did not approve of: I let my ex-beau pick up the dogs at our house for a dog walk (which Russ has repeatedly asked me not to do). 

My guy was upset for a variety of reasons so we were talking it out.  Among other things, he looked for reassurance that I wouldn’t ever have a physically intimate relationship with my ex again.
“I really don’t see that happening,” I said.  (I know not to say “never,” since that word often involves resistance, and flowing resistance is a fabulous way to invite it in.)  
As I gave serious consideration to Russ’ inquiry and thought about the unlikelihood of a future sexual rendezvous with my ex, I realized that now the two of us were thinking about said rendezvous – and we all know what thoughts lead to
Especially thoughts driven by strong emotion!
What popped out next did NOT help: “Well, I don’t see it happening … unless you keep focusing on it.”
Oh, boy. 
Even if Russ doesn’t completely believe in the law of attraction, he knows I do.  And he did not like where I was going with it.
Which meant I was now in the hot seat for justifying my (theoretical) “bad behavior” on Russ’ vibration.  He was exasperated at the thought that I would have an affair and blame it on him because his fears brought it about.
If he understood energy the way deliberate creators do, he would know that makes perfect sense.  Wouldn’t he?
But his argument got me thinking …
I wondered how many law of attraction-savvy folks let themselves off certain hooks by saying something like “Well, if you weren’t vibrating it, it wouldn’t have happened.”
Like the couple times I’ve been stiffed by clients.  My ego wants to blame them for not following through on promises to pay, while the more rational part of me knows I can’t experience something I’m not vibrationally lined up with.  I’m not a victim of “non-payers.”  Rather, I’m responsible for what happens in my world.  Including not getting paid. 
One of my girlfriends who is familiar with the law of attraction basics has been known to tell family members that she is not responsible for their happiness and well-being.  (She usually reminds them of that after she’s late for Thanksgiving dinner or insulted the intelligence of her sister’s kids.) 
Her family has come to think of the law of attraction as a big excuse for someone to shirk what they are really responsible for.
When I hear about her exchanges, it sounds a little harsh that my friend says and does things she knows upsets her family, and then tells them it’s their own fault for being upset.  She reasons that because they can choose how they feel, why don’t they choose something that feels better than “upset”?
I get the logic, but something about that doesn’t sit quite right.
And yet there I was ready to blame Russ for a potential affair I might have with my best friend.  (Although, it’s not an affair if you’re not married, right?  Anyway …)
All of this has made me question … what are we responsible for?
In sorting this out, my conclusion is yes, we are indeed responsible for what happens in our world.  And we are continually CO-CREATING with others
So Russ can’t manifest my steamy hot night with an ex unless I (and my ex) are lined up with that.  I can’t manifest longstanding receivables unless clients are dialed into not paying.  Family members don’t get irreverent daughters showing up late for dinner unless everyone’s flowing a common vibe on it.
It’s the beauty of how Universe syncs up like vibrations. 
When we’re happy, we attract people and circumstances that reinforce that feeling.  When we’re disappointed, we attract the people and circumstances who are capable of reinforcing our disappointment. 
Rather than vibrating me into bed with an ex (ooh, kinky) it’s probably more likely that if I’m vibrating fidelity while my sweetie is vibrating worry about my infidelity, then our dissimilar vibrations wouldn’t allow us to stay in close proximity
Either we’d fall away from each other, or one of us is going to learn the other’s vibration.
You know which option I’m going with, right?  😉
As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic.  How have you noticed others’ vibrations affecting you?  And where do you place the responsibility for what that leads to?

  • Tristin says:

    This was an AWSOME Post Jeannette!
    Very Real, and thought provoking! I love it!!!
    This is the sort of stuff we all need to think about. Thankyou for sharing this with us.
    Luv Tristin X

  • Mmm, excellent observation, Paul. (As usual!)
    Using the awareness that we’ve been “hooked” as a trigger to check in on what part isn’t synced up with your higher intentions.
    And thanks for the Abe quote! I’m going to copy, paste and print this puppy out, and label it “In case of emergency.” lol
    Thank you!

  • Paul. says:

    Not to fill up the Comments section again but I just came across this Abe quote (from the Closing of the Mexico cruise 2008) that speaks a bit to this topic:

    Do you like knowing that the others who surround you are like you, finding their way?
    And that nothing has gone wrong when anyone is, in any moment, is not allowing the fullness of who they are to flow, because in the slightest, or the greatest, pinching off of who they are, of who you are, there is the simultaneous launching of desire for yet a further expansion. Which means even in what could be seen as the negative moment, there is value that is coming forth from it.”

  • Paul. says:

    I know I’m late to the party but, wow, what an interesting discussion and fascinating perspectives here! (And that’s saying a lot ‘cuz here at the Good Vibe Blog, the discussions are all interesting.)
    This discussion brings me back to the role of the subsconscious in our attracting. I know Abraham would tell me that I don’t need to figure out or analyse my subconscious but I think my own experience and these stories give a different testimony.
    Fortunately, I don’t think we need those years upon years of intense Freudian analysis (although I will confess I’ve benefitted from my time “on the couch”). For me, when I find myself in such interactions, I try to find where I’m out of alignment. Lately, I’ve found myself in challenging encounters with my family. (I think I may have shared with you all examples of their craziness.) While I’ve gotten skilled at Allowing their creating, when I get “hooked” and start acting out, it’s a good sign for me to stop and find out which part of me isn’t synched up with my intention to be compasionate, supportive and detached from their vibrations. They can be miserable and destructive, but I am responsible for managing my vibe, my behaviour and my reactions. And, you know what? That attitude took me out of “victim” mode a long time ago and has kept me more authentic to my Inner Being.

  • Very good point, Kim.
    Good one to remember.
    Just confirmed with Judi that she’s inviting me as her blogtalk guest to discuss omniamory the week of the 15th. I’ll keep you posted and make sure you get a link to the recording!
    (Hopefully it’ll be at a time when you can at least log on to join the chat room, if not dial in live.)

  • Kim Falconer says:

    Mmmmmmmmmm I get the feeling that if we see limitations in anything, we aren’t seeing very far 🙂
    Jeannette, where is this twitter OMNIamory? I’m missing out on my fav topic 🙂

  • Thank you, Glad, for making your way here and adding your voice to the conversation!
    Please come again soon. 🙂

  • Glad says:

    Found your blog today. I am discovering the power of LOA and trying to learn to manifest abundance and joy in my life.
    Glad’s last blog post..Faces I Love for Love Thursday

  • It’s an interesting topic to consider, isn’t it, MsNikki?
    Thanks for sharing your perspective – it’s adding a depth to the conversation that I was hoping others would bring!

  • MsNikki says:

    Hmmmm…..I had to read this a couple of times to absorb it! I am still conflicted about this. I do agree that when people come from a peaceful place of non-judgment, then they do attract more positive people and situations in their lives. Ever since I decided to make positive modifictions in behavior and thought, I have attracted better quality friends. No lie.
    However, I do believe in freewill and choice. For example, I had to take my car for emissions the other day. It was true that I wasn’t really looking forward to taking time out for emissions BUT I was told that it would be really quick. So, I drive up and felt funky vibes emanating from one section. I immediately tried to drive to the next section but was directed back to the original one. I was nice and polite to the emissions guy but he was a totally …ryhmes with pr**ck!! He *chose* to be a jacka** whereas I chose to be nice and polite to him.

  • Wow! What an interesting example and experience, Wes! You BOTH got what you wanted, BOTH stayed true to your vibe!!
    I’m appreciating your question, too: “What would LOVE do?”
    I think all the twitter discussions about polyamory (and even better, OMNIamory) are taking good hold. Judy Kinney’s threatening to organize a joint public call on this topic next week – I have to say, I’m looking forward to it!
    Thanks for reading, and especially for commenting, Wes! Much appreciated. 🙂

  • Wes Hopper says:

    Great question, and here’s where we hit a limit in the LOA. As powerful as vibration is, your vibration cannot make me do something. We still have the power of choice. And we cannot place the responsibility for our choices on others. The woman who chooses to be rude to family members has made that choice. It’s not “their fault.”
    Let me give you a personal example. In a previous life I was married to a woman who was very insecure about fidelity. (Her father was a womanizer, and she was determined to repeat the family drama. But I digress.) She told me that her 2 previous husbands had left her for other women. She was jealous and suspicious of me. So we know where she was vibrating! Her suspicions and use of sex as a control mechanism seemed designed to cause what she said she feared.
    So how did that affect me? Well, it destroyed any intimacy in the relationship, but I feel strongly about fidelity in marriage, so I did not choose to have an affair. Eventually I divorced her when she refused to go to therapy. So her vibration of men leaving her was fulfilled, but in a way that was consistent with my integrity. Interestingly, she told my daughter that I had left her for my “girlfriend” which shows how invested she was in her story.
    The bottom line? Negative vibrations are contagious and they can ruin relationships, but they can’t “make” someone do something. Your boyfriend’s jealousy is destructive to your relationship, but it can’t make you have an affair with your ex. You would own that one!
    Since I know you’re a loving person, you might look at what love would do in this situation. Insist on the relationship with the ex even though it makes the boyfriend unhappy? Insist on living with the jealous boyfriend even though it threatens your important friendship with your ex? It’s your call. No one said it would be easy!
    Blessings, Wes

  • I love how you are laughing as you tell that story, Mary! That’s such a good sign there’s no lingering “charge” for you.
    Indeed, who wouldn’t be upset when their opinion/request is so obviously not respected – especially by their loved one? I don’t blame him a bit for that.
    And you nailed it, Mary – he’s not so much worried about cheating, but rather he doesn’t like the idea of coming home to his house to find an ex-boyfriend parked in the driveway. Maybe that is driven at the core by territorial issues – ha – I don’t know. I don’t understand it. And I haven’t respected it. Which is where the issue comes from.
    But here I am taking my attention off the issue and ON the picture of what I want. Smooth, easy relationships, relaxed, trusting conversations and actions, maybe I should throw in their a healthy dose of respect. But if it feels like a “should” I’m not doing that one. lol
    Oh boy. Got some work to do still, but thanks for the help along the way. 🙂

  • MaryK says:

    Hi Jeannette,
    Oooh, interesting post!
    Well, I’ve been cheated on and in hindsight I was definitely focused on him cheating on me. I was thinking to myself, “Gosh, this guy is so wonderful, so good looking, so successful, everything I’ve ever wanted… but there’s no way he could truly be interested in me. There’s no way he will ever truly commit to me.” And whadda ya know, one day out of the blue I got a call from the other woman telling me to leave “her” man alone! ha. 🙂
    Anyway, a few things jumped out at me in your post: 1) In the very beginning you mentioned that Russ has repeatedly asked you to not let your ex come over to take the dogs out… seems like if he has asked you repeatedly and things are still not changing, he would have good reason to be upset. And 2) you said that it’s not really an affair if you’re not married… in my book, cheating is cheating, married or not.
    Regardless, what jumped out at me is that while Russ is focused on and vibrating you (possibly) cheating, it seems like you might be focused on creating suspicion within Russ. Does that make sense? Because if Russ has repeatedly asked you to not let your ex come over and you’re still letting the ex come over, I can see why Russ would get upset…
    So I guess for me the issue is not so much that Russ is focusing on if you would ever cheat on him (and I don’t think you ever would), because I think if you started focusing on vibrating ‘no more suspicion’ from Russ then all of this would clear up. Because if you vibrate that Russ completely and utterly trusts you, not only will he no longer be suspicious that something might happen with your ex… but he also might even start letting the ex come over to take out the dogs!
    Hmmm, I’m not sure I’m making sense here or just trying to resolve my own previous issues with cheating, but I wanted to share… 🙂

  • “Ex sex” – ha – now we have a term for it! oh my. lol
    THANK YOU for the test question, Kim!! You’re absolutely right – that’s where my opportunity lies!! And it will be a nice stretch for me. Mmm. That feels so much better than standing off to the side thinking “he’s got a screwed up vibe.” lol
    I already KNOW Russ’ vibe will shift, because I indeed have been thinking of him as the insecure misfocused boyfriend, so I’ve been helping to create this.
    Thanks for the eye opener!! Ahhh.
    My open, easygoing, incredibly trusting and relaxed boyfriend … oh my gosh, that feels good!! woo hoo!!!

  • Kim Falconer says:

    I love this…the comment I just made on the ‘Does it Really Work’ topic fits this very nicely. When my vibe was ‘best date ever’ and my date’s was, well, perhaps a little daunted, he stayed home …and I had the best date ever, by myself!! The day we did go out (both together at the same time) he sent a note after thanking me for letting him soak up some of my beautiful vibes. 🙂 lovely. He’s not LOA savvy but he knew a good vibe when he felt one.
    We are like water, us humans, and when pooled together we seek a level. That’s why meditation or masterminding in groups can be so powerful.
    As can bitch sessions, though maybe in a less creative way.
    But this interesting opportunity with Russ is exactly what is happening to my Gf and her new BF. The new sweetie says it’s ‘wrong’ for her to spend time with old friends which are ex’s. I think that’s ridiculous and asked her ‘What, he thinks you’ll put down your coffee cups and have sex on the table the minute he turns his back?’ She said, basically yes, that’s what he fears.
    I said maybe what he really feared was that HE would have an affair. Why else would he be so attached? When those kinds of control issues come up I don’t think it’s ever about the other person. I think we are freaking out trying to control ourselves.
    I wouldn’t assign blame to someone else for my behavior but if I had a sweetie and he was putting both our focus on ex sex, I’m pretty sure one of us at least would be having it before long. Energy follows thought. . .
    Test: can you see Russ as your open, easygoing with the ex’s sweetie who is relaxed about sex in every possibly way?
    I guess the risk there is that your sweetie indeed would have those qualities, but his name might not be Russ.
    Or would Russ’s vibe shift because you expect it to?
    Let’s test it 🙂
    Thanks for this thought provoking topic. I’m going to send it to my GF now!
    🙂 Kim

  • I owe us a feel good post after this one, huh, Bonni?
    Dana, that sounds like very wise teachings from your dad. Nice that you learned those vibration management skills from the beginning!
    Makes for a much more empowered way of living, huh?
    Thanks for posting!

  • Dana says:

    I’ve found that rather than focusing on what vibrations are floating around me, I focus on my vibration and know that those I love will pick up on mine, because I’ll get back what I put out.
    My dad isn’t into LOA, he probably doesn’t know what it is, but he always told me that I can’t control other people’s reactions and behaviors, but I can control mine. So when I start to feel a negative vibe or have those goofy thoughts come into my head as if someone I love may be having negative thoughts or manifesting what they don’t want, if I’m able to be aware enough, I shift my vibration and focus on what I want and know that we are together because we have similar vibrations, so he HAS to be thinking what I’m thinking and manifesting in line with me.
    At least that is what I hope for. It seems to work.

  • bonni says:

    Well, I don’t understand what walking the dogs has to do with sex to begin with. Isn’t that taking the term “doggie style” a little too literally?
    I do get the rest of the post, of course. I’ll think about it for a while before commenting further. I need to integrate it and see what I can take away from it.
    I was just really thrown by the “walking the dogs equals hot sex” thing. Weird. And very much fear-based.

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